to Sometimes get fed up being the pivotal person in my house?

[ChaosTrulyReigns]

Had a bit of a melt - down today, for many reasons.

I know that there really is no escape, but I seem to be the one who:

reminds,
decides,
repeats,
Is asked what/where/wgen/who/how,
and so on.

Does anyone else get fed up with nothing seeming to happen unless they provides the encouragement or urging or reminding or deciding to get it done?

Same here though DH is very hands on and does lots while he is here. Could always do more though.

I am currently reading "Mums on Strike" courtesy of MN and I showed it to DD and DS2 this morning. DD kind of said Oh and DS2 was too engrossed in his book so I said I am thinking of doing the same. No response.

I am forever saying I am going to stop doing all the extras for them but tbh I feel I need to do them for me as much as them .

We have a five column calendar but only I write anything on it but dh will if I tell him too as it needs doing and I am doing something else.

I have suggested the kids get everything ready for school the night before, especially ds1 as he is up at 6.30 and out at 7.20 but yet there is still one child who needs something finding at least once a week. I tell them that is why I said..... I am definitely cutting back on all the backside wiping I am doing and after being sent to hospital one day and taken 5 days later I am asking them to do more things around the house. No one has melted.

I am teaching the kids it isn't my job to do everything, should have started years ago and tbh they were a lot better at chores when they were smaller.

If I'm honest I should do more when she's out and if I sometimes think 'what's the point it won't be good enough' a bit too readily. To be fair to her I don't have a particularly logical mind and her way is probably more efficient. But to have every movement criticised is very dispiriting.

The other place it manifests itself is in the car (she can't drive but keeps up a constant critical commentary) but that is a thread in itself.

We've tried talking but argues yhat whilst she knows she is wrong she can't help herself.

compos that sounds terrible. If your wife has time to stand over you then perhaps she should do it herself, especially if she is a self-confessed control freak.

However.

I am pretty laidback. My house is not a show home. I am quite lazy myself. There are not many things that I feel passionate about doing perfectly. I am happy to accept something done differently for the trade-off of not doing it myfuckingself. But my DH will still sometimes trot out the old "but I don't want to do it/organise it/plan it without checking with you because I don't want to get it wrong."

The veiled suggestion is that I am a control freak.

I take issue with this. But of course if he perceives ANY comment by me on his plans, or his execution of something, as a criticism, then what can I do about that? Be unfailingly grateful for whatever he does, however inefficient/badly thought-out/poorly executed/could be done better with a little care and consideration?

For example, he does the laundry. Puts a load in that causes a dark colour to run into a lighter one. Hangs it up without care, so it is crumpled. We don't iron in this house, so actually, now it has made work. If I comment, I am ungrateful. If I don't, he'll do it badly again...

squirrels I honestly don't know whether it is a case of me doing things badly or just differently. It is difficult to tell. It is possible that some of the things I've done are done badly so she needs to take over.

fiscal - I am definitely trying that. How much should I charge DH?

I have told DH many times I don't mind cooking the dinner but sometimes I just do not want to have to choose what we eat.

It can change though. A few years ago I'd just had enough of making all the decisions. Although dh was very 'good' in that he cooked and cleaned and would do chores when I asked him too, i just got fed up with doing all the thinking.

I told him that I was very unhappy with the situation and things have really changed. I keep track of some things, he keeps track of others and some we both do (meal planning, washing, kids' activities etc).

My parents think I'm lazy and he's put upon and that I'm 'very lucky' but 'running a home' being women's work is just so ingrained that it doesn't occur to them that maybe it's just fairer to set things up that way. I'll never forget (or forgive actually) my mum sitting me down just before I got married and telling me I'd need to stop expecting dh to 'help me out' with housework and childcare once we were married or dh would leave me

I feel your pain.

My DH is great and does lots of the taking/collecting of the DCs but he does not think about anything. It is always me.

i work the same hours as him mon-thurs but feel like I am still rushing around most of the evening organising everything for the next day. He would do any of it if I ask him and will often offer but it is the thinking that I find a constant drag!

The other day I unexpectedly had to take DS2 somewhere and got home just at the DCs bed time, DH had not given DS1 tea as they had both forgotten. DS1 decided he was starving but of course could not have actually realised that at tea time.

I feel awful moaning as I know DH works hard and is a fab dad/husband but I literally do all the thinking for my whole family, this regularly extends to my brother and parents!

Fabbaker, start by being honest to yourself.

the choosing of the menu is part of the cooking, so you DO mind doing the cooking all the time. I do too.

That's why we had cheese on toast and an apple yesterday.

Some days we just have bread and ham/cheese, a glass of milk and some fruit. I lived in the Netherlands for a few years, and those are quite acceptable tea options! No pressure on women to "cook from scratch" every day. Pasta with pesto a good stand by option too.

Inspirational!

On days where you don't fancy cooking, don't. as long as there is bread in the house, they are fine.

I should say about this, I am guilty of what Compos has written about (I am a control freak, and I do like an absolutely perfect kitchen which is really stupid & boring). But I am aware of it and even when I relax my standards by say, 50% my husband still doesn't make the mark.

My husband making dinner = making a very adventurous pasta sauce that requires 12 different kinds of spices, several things from the freezer (bacon frying! crabmeat!) & several tins of tuna, beans, etc all left out as he goes along, and he makes such ENORMOUS quantities because he uses so many ingredients and the kitchen winds up looking like a movie set: "messy kitchen" and it is just not helpful to me in the least.

Perhaps you've summed yourself up and Compos's partner perfectly. Perhaps both of you need to learn a little about positive reinforcement.

Just wanted to agree with the reinforcement of gender roles from my parents! My Mum is terrible, I am 'very lucky' that my husband cooks - if he's got a couple of meetings in the city they live in he'll stay over as it's easier than commuting two days, and as a thank you he might cook - I get a text message singing his praises. Then there's the 'I gave x , did you find it when you unpacked his bag?' Why would I unpack his overnight bag?! He's away at least one night most weeks so it mostly stays half packed, and he knows what needs to be in it! And don't get me started on how wonderful he is because he has to do his own ironing because, 'we all know HullBird doesn't iron.' Grrrrr, fortunately my husband finds it quite funny too (that's better, I think it was winding me up more than I let on! Thanks OP!)

My husband sent me this blog today which I thought was very interesting.

I emailed him back in agreement, but then wondered if it doesn't have something to do with some men's tendency to remain willfully ignorant about all things domestic!

yes, my mum refers to DH as "The poor man".

As in "The poor man needs a hot meal after a day in the office"

It's hard to change things if you get that sort of thing, though I mainly ignore (nod and smile, and vent on MN)

Oh I get that from my in laws, my FIL was horrified that DH does all the ironing and said I should give up my little job to look after him, told me that it was embarrassing for my DH to do the school run, because it's a woman's job and told me I was emasculating my DH when he saw me with a drill putting up a curtain rail.

My father in law is silently embarrassed by my husband performing domestic duties as well.

Aw Chaos doll, look forward to your outing to HQ, they promised Gin.
I hate it when I ask what they want for dinner and every time they say 'don't mind'.
Then when I do a stir fry it's all, 'don't really like stir fry, might go and get a kebab. and

Think I read on a thread here yesterday

'All I want is somewhere for everyone in my family to store their brains.
They all store them in my head and it's getting crowded'

I wrote it down as it sums up my life perfectly

Yiu lot are great, thanks for the comforting words and shared experiences.

DH decided to work from home today rather than on site, he did the school run, Let have a lie-in (weekday lie-ins are the most sweet) and I wasn't disturbed once. It all went fine.

I'll reiterate that this isn't a make/female inequality problem that has got me down, it's the relentlessness of a "job" that I have taken on happily that's just worn me down couoled with an extended period of ill health and some unusual stresses.

I've decided that if I can raise the bar of my organisination (ensure there's bus fares, clean uniforms, reply slips are efficiently processed, calender upto date and clear communication within the family) then things should be more seamless and less need fir reminding.

Oh and I'm going to do a Big List for the Chaotic Four, the bare minimum that needs to be done each day. Then I won't have to ask, will I? misplaced optimism?

Cheers again.

You lot rock.

Chaos, that all sounds very sexist. We both full time (I have not read the whole thread to see if you both do). Secondly we divided jobs at home rather than one helping the other. Eg he did 100% of the ashing, I never even thought of it. I did our tax returns. I got the school bags ready. I read stories at bed time to the two of the children whilst he did the rest (same division my parents had actually in the 1960s - I am from a long line of feminists going back to at least 1900. We do not tolerate sexism at home ever.

Also now the youngest are teenagers I seem to have very organised sons actually. They like things being on time, know what is needed when and it all works pretty seamlessly. It was not always like that when we had 5 children at home.

I do think the key is one of you being 100% responsible for X and the other for Y rather than hoping one will occasionally help out. Eg he could do all present buying and Christmas cards to his and your family or he could do all the washing and you the cooking or vice versa.

No, once you have given them a list you will never have to ask again.

Ok I'm lying.

but once they know what they are responsible for you can just holler- have you done the stuff on your list? Rather than listing every single item individually which will save you about an hour a day

I'm glad you are feeling a bit better.

I think it's normal to have a bit of a meltdown sometimes. I don't think it means there's anything inherently wrong with your life- I mean if it was something that bought you to tears every day you would change it wouldn't you?

But every now and then it all gets a bit much. Just the daily stuff
Then you have a bit if a rant, shout at everyone (or is that just me?) feel better and carry on

Laura, I don't think out division of labour is s exist because we have happily decided to do "traditional" roles.

It may seem like I've chosen a 1950s style life, but with a DH who either lives away or is out the house for 16 hours a day (sometimes 7 days a week) the female-stylee chores became mine, as my work is very flexible. It works for us.

Thanks TAB, I'll try the multi-holler.

A friend of mine who has a very traditional family set up has a husband who outsources thinking about any kind of task that he deems non-critical. He never ever opens the menu at a restaurant - he lets everyone else order and then tells the waiter he'll have what X is having, X being the person round the table whose menu judgement he trusts the most.

I am sorry to see that some of you are living in some really horrible situations. A special ugh for Compo's wife just to show I realise it's not always women living under a fucking dictatorship.

I remember once having a falling out with my MIL because I "made" my H do his own ironing and when she tried to tell me it was the woman's job to remember every single extended family member's birthday and organise a card/present (even those not on my side, some of which I had met only once or twice)/ She didn't speak to me for a while after that one.

Things were fraught for a while with her, but she now tells me admires my strong stance. When she had a young family she worked FT, arrived home and started doing chores/cooking before she had even taken her coat off. All this while her husband was in the pub. She never gave it a second thought.

it is possible to change things markedly within one generation.

Oh Chaosy-poohs - I am shaking my imaginary pom-poms in support of you.

@ ` @
.\/

I do sympathise with you in your situation; having had a similarly traditional set-up with a husband who was/is away sometimes for months on end.

There are some things that only you know need doing - and how and when to do them. Only you can do them because, for most of the blimming time, you're the only one there. Poor Mr Turnip rarely ever got to a parents' evening, a school meeting or a doctor's appointment - but if and when he was around, he'd make damned sure he attended.

I think you're absolutely right to be delegating tasks to the 4th Royal Corps of Chaos - I've sent my lot up enough chimneys over the years.

I let them forget things and make mistakes, too - and pick up the consequences. They are all the better for it as adults - I'm not the first port of call in any crisis any more, which makes for a much more tranquil existence.