to Sometimes get fed up being the pivotal person in my house?

[ChaosTrulyReigns]

Had a bit of a melt - down today, for many reasons.

I know that there really is no escape, but I seem to be the one who:

reminds,
decides,
repeats,
Is asked what/where/wgen/who/how,
and so on.

Does anyone else get fed up with nothing seeming to happen unless they provides the encouragement or urging or reminding or deciding to get it done?

Chaos - you've tapped a rich vein of female resentment

I'm not sure though that the solution is being even more organised. I think a better response is very clear and deliniated delegation. e.g. I have told dh he is in charge of the gas/electricity. i refuse to answer questions about when to pay the bill/ read the meter etc (We are direct debit ,so ffs...). It also means I have to bite my tongue when dh loses us money by changing providers and failing to claim back our over-payment .

I have also announced that I don't think about meals or cook on Sundays. I don't care if we eat takeaway, go out or another family member cooks but I am not deciding.

I haven't yet resolved the issue of -
Assorted large teens and dh : Betty, we've run out of loo roll/toothpaste/bread/dog food/ cash (delete as appropriate)
Me : Have you looked for more in the cupboard/ freezer/ shed/bank where we have kept the supplies for the last 15 years?
ALTADH : Oh, I didn't know there was any there...

I can remember having a similar conversation with my mom when I worked full time and was the major earner in the household. She was disgusted I didn't iron DH's shirt for him, as a we had decided to iron our own stuff. Her response was "well, I did it all these years for your father". Yup, that was her whole argument. I snorted.

Things have changed from the previous generation, my girls know that I do a lot of the traditional chores in our family, because that's what we decided, and not because I have boobs. They are told this a LOT! They see me mending things, moving the lawn, decorating, and their dad doing the weekly shop and cleaning the bathroom when he's around. I try to be a fair role model for them, even though ou choices and circumstances hthrown us into traditional division of labour.

I do not move the lawn.

But I bet you could move the lawn if you set your mind to it Chaos! .

Yes, that the key. Division, not delegation. One of you 100% responsible for XYZ and the other ABC. My children's father took all 5 to the dentist for 17 years. I did not take them once. I never thought about dentists or made appointments. It did not have to cross my mind. He also did 100% of the ashing at one stage and I did not even know how to use the machine.

However you have to be able to trust the other person and not think you are some kind of minor female domestic God who gets upset if your domain is organised or done differently from your one true path. I never had any trouble ceding to his method of stacking the dishwasher - stack away - I am happy to have nothing to do with dishwashers. Make as few areas as possible your responsibility or domain and there is the path to a happy life.

It's being the bloody general all the time.
The classic 'just tell me what you want done and I'll do it' line... I don't want to have th bloody well think of everything. Look around, look at what needs doing - are there dishes everywhere, is the washing basket overflowing, is the floor crunchy, etc etc.
I don't want to be in charge of everything.

there must be a big differences between how people see themselves... my partner would have been with you all the way until the last sentence, which would have been replaced by "he always takes the easy option. he doesn't understand me at all". perhaps you think that too, but when you imagined it in writing you changed your mind because it seemed so intolerant? I'm beginning to think that the longer a relationship lasts, the more you learn how little you know about your significant other. the sooner this is accepted by both people, the sooner a couple can take the right decisions to forge a happy and successful life together. at least, that's what I'm counting on :D. I'm not sure that my partner is ready for such a clinical dissection of something that is traditionally presented as romantic/mystical/destined...

it moves quickly on this board! that was in reply to:

"He said we should have a takeaway tonight for ease, and he's just cone and asked what I want. I know it's lovely and courteous, but all I can think is another fecking decision!

I'm a ungrateful wretch."

moves quickly ?

the last reply before yours was 2 and a half hours ago !

haha, yes, I think I thought the bottom of a page was the end of the discussion. I even reloaded to check. duh. spot the newcomer!

Several months after my sister-in-law died my brother now left in charge of two small children sadly remarked " I never realised how much xxxx did"

that is very tinpin

This is where the glass ceiling lies, not in the boardroom.

Lazy bastards. Bet they aren't as unthinking at work.

I started reading this thread this am and was thinking how much it's like us. I even read the op to DP ( who rolled his eyes and sighed a little)

He seems incapable of multitasking. Eg. Heating leftovers in microwave for tea? Stands beside microwave, ignoring the fact the table needs cleared and set.

Incapable of thinking ahead- getting up on time to get a shower before work etc.

Dressed 6 week old in clothes from boxes labelled 6-9 months and 9-12 months. Then sighed when I pointed it out. Would have left him to it if we weren't in a rush and heading to baby clinic where I felt we I would be heavily judged on baby's attire.

HOWEVER the thread inspired me to stop spending every second dd2 (exclusively breastfed) wasn't in my arms either catching up on sleep or housework when DP just watches tv or plays video games even when house is falling down around him. Instead, since he spent 3 hours at the cinema earlier, I handed him the settled baby after dinner and i sat down and designed my next sewing project.

It felt great once I got over the slight guilt. I intend to do it again on DPs next night off.

And from Friday after health visitor visit I will not be doing anything but the basics, not picking up after anyone but myself and baby for the entire weekend. There's an event on o Saturday. If no one else is ready when its time to go, I'm going without them. Will be interesting to see the result.

Hello everyone, hope you don't mind me nipping on this thread. Lots of nodding going on here, especially about the thinking, but before I digress, I just wanted to let you know about an event that JustineMumsnet is doing with Red Magazine which is very much on this issue.

Red are hosting a 'Google hangout' with Justine, Sarah Bailey, Editor of Red and author Sharon Meers. The event is taking place on the evening of the 20th March and is focussing on the ideas behind Sharon's latest book 50/50: How working parents can have it all, which aims to help parents stay engaged with their kids/ homelife without sacrificing their careers.

The event will be screen live on youtube, and we'll post it on the site afterwards, but Red are looking for two Mumsnet users to take part.

If you're keen to talk about the reality of splitting home life responsibilities fairly, the impact of life on work, and how you and your partner try to meet these challenges (or indeed any other points) please do drop us an email at [email protected]. To take part you'll need to be free on the evening, have a google plus account (which is easy to set up, but needs to be in a real name) and have a fixed internet connection, wifi might be OK but not ideal.

Any other questions, do ask on here, and please do email if you'd like to take part.

My DH deals with the post, does the finances, insurance, car tax that kind of thing. He also makes the shopping list (based on my meal planning) and does the shopping and loads the washing machine. He does the hoovering. He cooks at the weekend (He works 4.5 days a week and has my youngest for a morning). I don't have to remind him about these things as these are 100% his jobs.

I work three days a week and have my youngest on the other two (elder is at school). I plan the meals, cook during the week, clean bathrooms and dust, change beds and towels, hang out washing and put it away, do ironing.

I also organise everything DD needs for school or her activities (packed lunches, all the kit, permission slips, fancy dress, trips, homework, daily reading (though I sometimes delegate to DH, its me that remembers) and anything DS needs for going to his grandparents or his activities. I organise all birthday cards and presents, and all thank you cards. I organise most of DH and my social life, including making sure we reciprocate and that we take wine etc.

I think it is a fair split and it works quite well. The key is that you are 100% responsible for your own jobs.

I fell into the ML trap of feeling I should do everything as I was at home, only to discover on returning to work DH had 'forgotten' how to do anything and seemingly had no intention of starting to help out with anything again. However, the following conversation got things back on track:

Me: I'm really struggling with doing everything and can't see what you are contributing, besides your salary from working and I'm working too. What do you think your role at home is?

DH (with sad puppy-dog eyes): Keeping you and DS happy.

Me: Well you're failing miserably at that...

He became far better, and now in ML with DC2 and am not falling into the same trap again...

I live abroad and although I'm learning the local language the regional dialect is far beyond me - I do absolutly no home admin except planing holidays and trips to the UK. I thouroghly reommend it!

^This is where the glass ceiling lies, not in the boardroom.

Lazy bastards. Bet they aren't as unthinking at work.^

YY a thousand times Y! DH manages to run a small team and has a stable, reasonably well-paid job where he is respected. It's like his brain switches off the second he stops the car outside our front door.

KatieMumsnet that sounds interesting - is it being held in London?

CHAOS TR I am hopeless at home admin. When terraced houses were cheap I would like to have bought a block and moved home every time
the disorder became unbearable I would be in my 10th house by now

I do absolutely everything at home and my DH would be the first to admit that he is lazy and lets me. I also get a sense of satisfaction from looking after people so that combination means that although I struggle a lot of the time and complain when he doesn't do anything, I also find it very difficult to ask him to do things and by the time I've explained on a step-by-step basis what I would like him to do I may as well have done it myself! As I also work full-time and have a 1 yo DS I'm pretty exhausted most of the time.

I like Bumpsadasie's idea of owning tasks and taking complete responsibility for them. I might suggest that as I think DH would cope better with that than me just asking him to do things sporadically.

Yes, the key thing which is why it worked for us and others on the thread is having your husband be 100% responsible for some tasks, a fair share. Then it works and has always worked. In the 1960s my father did the hoovering, he emptied the bins around the house (on Saturdays) and did my brother's bed time story whilst my mother did ours etc etc. It was a fair division as fair nice couples have always had. Some women seem to choose lazy sexist men. Avoid them like the plague.

I just cannot imagine living with someone who thinks its my job to clean up their shit.....and do any other jobs they don't want to.

it is just bullshit that otherwise capable men are become incapable at home. and it is so disrespectful.

a partner who does not think I am completely their equal is just a user.

these men sound like very unsexy menbabies who want a mother not a lover.

AHhh - I've fallen into this trap with DP ...
Firstly English isn't his first language (but seeing as he has lived here for 20+ yrs now he can stop using that as an excuse!)
Secondly he used to have his own business which involved working 90+ hrs a week (but actually at time I was doing longer hours then he was)
Thirdly I'm Ms Independent - and perfectly capable (and in fact better than DP!) at doing DIY, Car maintenance, gardening etc etc as well as traditional 'woman work'...and doing all the admin etc etc
I think it is easy to let someone become too reliant on you and then they lose their ability/confidence to do things for themselves...
I think what sums what I mean is he can now surf the web on a computer. For his boat (see below) he would need to buy things off ebay I helped him set up his own account etc..but he would still come to me with a list (his friend had printed off for him) and ask me to buy them for him... I wouldn't do it ...the next thing I know he was bribing DD1 (12) with sweets to do it for him !!!!
I am slowly redressing the balance ...it is painfully slow though ...but it can and will be done...
My first target is that he can take care of himself - so eg I refused to do his car insurance renewal for him - after much whinging he did it himself (just accepted the renewal -didn't shop around etc though) and then said how easy it was...why had I made such a fuss about it
He bought a boat that needed refurbishment (bear in mind we are I am refurbishing a house for us to live in at the moment!).
I refused to even look at it...he does have a friend who knows about these things and helped him (a lot!!) but at the end of the day he did manage to do the work, sell it on and has even bought a new (smaller) one...(and has now bought himself basic tools - whole other thread how annoying it is when you need a hammer to find yours is 11 miles away and locked in a workshop for the weekend!!)
Sometimes I nearly fall into the same trap again ... but stop myself...
(like his recent plan to do a new outdoor activity with DCs - he really wants to do it, sounded great - he wanted me to go too - (which I understand - I wouldn't want to go on my own either the first time). Said I would go for moral support and then suddenly it was all down to me to organise everything ...how to get there, what we needed to take/book in advance etc etc - it still hasn't happened ..and unless he sorts it out it won't....