to Sometimes get fed up being the pivotal person in my house?

[ChaosTrulyReigns]

Had a bit of a melt - down today, for many reasons.

I know that there really is no escape, but I seem to be the one who:

reminds,
decides,
repeats,
Is asked what/where/wgen/who/how,
and so on.

Does anyone else get fed up with nothing seeming to happen unless they provides the encouragement or urging or reminding or deciding to get it done?

AF people have come on here to have a bit of a moan and a winge some of the women on here are just tired of the drudgery some are quite upset you coming on this thread telling these women they are (not your words obviously) stupid for putting up with manbabies is not very supportive or helpful

The thing is, DH does a hell of a lot more than I do in the house.
He does the ironing, the cooking, the school run, the never ending run of dropping whoever to what activity they are at.
On paper, I am apparently "lucky"

But it's the thinking. There's no point saying oh yes I am taking one of the DS to football on Sunday if you haven't checked which one to take or where the actual fuck you are going is there?

On one memorable occasion he took ds2 to football training with no boots. Because he didnt think to check a 9 year old had everything he needed.

Tbf, since then he stands at the front door with whoever is going where with a checklist. Do you have boots? Shin pads? A drink? A waterproof? Etc etc

I think he waits until things fuck up once before taking action in the future. Whereas I try and pre empt any fuck ups in the first place IYSWIM.

hey, mrsj, I'm not the bad guy here

the blokes making their partners feel like they do are the ones at fault, especially the ones who know they are doing it because they it's been pointed out but they carry on regardless

Maybe we should all ask for a copy of Wifework as a mother's day present

In the meantime, Chaos hope you are feeling better today.

Dh did an online shop with Tesco which came yesterday. He didn't do a meal plan, just got whatever. So today I have the wonderful task of coming up with a meal plan when the shopping has already been done

somebody you have to micro manage and take the role of "mother" with is not remotely sexy, there is nothing wrong with saying that

the relationships board is full of women who lose respect and sexual desire for the bloke that treats them like a domestic appliance, and then they get it in the neck again for not putting out

it's not fair, and it's not right

whinging is one thing, but don't expect anything to change if you still maintain the same mindset

OCh AF you are right but most of us are just having a whinge some are not though and it is these women i think should be supported, in a family there is things to do stuff to sort some of us are just tired of stuff and sorting,

anyfucker, I'm not saying it excuses not emptying the laundry basket. It isn't a great situation to be in, to have an unequal balance of household chores.

But, different people have different tolerances to mess and to things needing to be done. I know my husband can be lazy, but I know that I can also take on too much and not delegate. Or impose timescales that aren't actually necessary at times. Yes, it's bloody annoying if he doesn't get round to taking the kids swimming as their class is only on one night a week. But if I'm getting rattled about the dishwasher not being emptied as it means the kitchen looks a mess with plates all over the worktops, that isn't actually so pressing.

I guess I'm trying to find a balance in my own relationship, between getting DH to do more without nagging and letting go of the stuff that's not as important as I might think. Otherwise I just nag all day.

If you can find a study to support any random shit, you can have a job with me. I'm trying to prove all sorts of random stuff and tenuous arguments at work today. :)

I have Wifework. I've read it, several times. Unfortunately there reaches a point where unless you're willing to LTB things won't change. And LTB is never as easy as it sounds (but that's a discussion for the Relationships board really).

I do agree with AF though.

Husbands have to read it (and sign up to the message) too, of course.

Ok, I'm going to buy Wifework as I see it mentioned a lot

I expect it not to tell me anything that I don't actually know. But hopefully it'll put the wind up DH (my usual go-to book is The Whole Woman - it'll be good to ring the changes!)

But: I think there's a difference between having a minor therapeutic whinge and being in LTB situations. On this thread there is an entire spectrum, from minor gripes to real, red-flag waving situations. I'm lucky in that mine is a minor whinge. to those whose situations are more serious.

and TBF my whole family drive me nuts

I have a trick, everyone, LISTEN, it works!

If the DC (9 and 11) can't find their shin-pads/socks/book/swimming trunks I say:

" Are you really sure? If I go into your room and find it within 2 minutes, you have to pay me a pound. o.k.? Now, are you sure?"

They are suddenly not so sure. Look again properly, and find it.

I now just say" POUND!" whenever they ask where something is.

they have gotten much better at finding things. Much much better.

The downside is they think I am nuts, but hey-ho. IT WORKS!

If DH can't find the milk/cheese in the fridge I ignore.

it's one thing to have to teach your children/teenagers to have respect for the rest of the family, but a grown adult ??

but tbh, why should they listen when a skewed dynamic is being played out before their very eyes ? (not talking about you personally, mrsj)

fiscal - i like your thinking :)

will try that with the DC this very night..

I raise my finger and do a mad swivel-eye when saying "POUND!". In a Jack Nicholson in the Shining sort of way.

They laugh. But scurry off

try it

I agree that there's a range of situations on this thread.

I'm aware that sometimes I need to step back and realise that if DH was in charge of everything things would be different, but not necessarily worse IYSWIM. The DDs would do many fewer activities and would not learn an instrument; they'd have to take responsibility for their own homework which would be done with less frequency and in a more slap-dash fashion; party presents would probably be a box of maltesers from the petrol station; we would constantly be being chased by school for permission slips and money. It would be different, but not necessarily the end of the world for anyone.

In our particular house the problem is that my wife can't cede control, cant bear not being on top of the situation and be her own admission is very much 'her way or the highway' so feels the need to stand over me whilst I do routine tasks and will snatch the hoover out of my hands if I am using a different attachment than the one she'd use or make constant critical comments on the way I chop vegetables to such a degree my hands shake with nerves (not good if you have a knife in your hand)

The situation does neither of us any good at all. She feels she does everything, I feel useless and belittled.

My DH requires a list by text to go shopping if asked to buy more than 3 items. And never proactively sorts out other people first (but is obviously fine at organising himself.) I am required to think about everything, and have had the takeaway strop pretty often.

Last week, I was away with work and my MIL kindly came to help out. She came a day EARLY in order to "ask me what needs doing and get instructions". My DH was around to tell her that stuff! I wonder where he gets the attitude from. . .

For example, this morning, I am not well, and have had an undisputedly crappy week. There was a pre-breakfast event at school. I thought he was doing the school run early, in order to get to it, as he was working from home. It is my day off, but my understanding was that he was getting up to do it, whilst I stayed home with DC2. But when he did get up, apparently I had upset his plans because he had a meeting set up mid-morning that required a lot of prep, none of which he had started the day before. So I did the school run. Fine.

But apparently, not being a mind-reader is my fault. I ended up saying "You may have told me about the meeting but my wondrous brain FORGOT. You know, how you FORGET sometimes?".

Grrr. It's as if his stuff can always be accommodated, and his planning never involves anyone else's needs, whereas mine is fitted around everyone's schedule. If it was my meeting, I'd have prepped it the night before, on the basis that I wouldn't have time in the morning, what with all the school run/morning routine etc.

And don't get me started on the housework.

Rant over now. As I said, a crappy week.

I think as somebody said upthread some of our moans are trivial and gripes some of them quite serious and tbh some have me at what is going on in these women lives, Living in a family can be hard sometimes work kids thinking doing can get on top of all of us but having an unsupportive husband partner is very different,

compos - that sounds really awful. I really wish I had something constructive to say I guess asking if you've talked about it is really daft...?

Compos - I think that's the other side of the coin to a lot of the moans here (although your situation does sound bad ).

I think my dp would say he feels like compos.

AF - I am thinking of LTB.