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Original poster

to Sometimes get fed up being the pivotal person in my house?

542 replies

ChaosTrulyReigns · 03/03/2014 20:11

Had a bit of a melt - down today, for many reasons. Sad

I know that there really is no escape, but I seem to be the one who:

reminds,
decides,
repeats,
Is asked what/where/wgen/who/how,
and so on.

Does anyone else get fed up with nothing seeming to happen unless they provides the encouragement or urging or reminding or deciding to get it done?

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 04/03/2014 11:08

The outsourcing (to me) of thinking is the really tiring bit. People don't seem to realise at all how hard one has to work to find workable solutions to the problems they have no clue how to tackle themselves.

AnnaLegovah · 04/03/2014 11:09

Finding myself nodding like a fucking nodding dog to all the posts here. It makes my blood boil.

Issues like the many written here are exactly why I'm refusing to have another baby. DH wants more (we have just one) because its 'what he wants' and he seems to think makes him more of a man or something.

I have to keep reminding him that not only would I have to do the whole pregnancy and labour thing, it's a whole other person I'd then have to do all the household thinking for. He thinks the fucking fairies do it. Angry

figgypuddings · 04/03/2014 11:10

Do you ever have a complete brainfart when you are delegating, deciding and everything then forget the names of the children of the things you are having to make decisions on?
Because I certainly do.

And, AND (on a rant now) the family inadvertently throw extra into your cauldron of tasks like asking for juice 'in the orange cup' or other such hellishness whilst you are running about with a brush up your bum sweeping the floor as you are doing things.

Let's go on strike.

mrsjay · 04/03/2014 11:11

tbh reading this post as well as all the thinking and sorting it is being responsible imo that we find irritating and exhausting I feel like stomping my feet sometimes and saying I don't wanna Grin

chipshop · 04/03/2014 11:19

The trick of leaving things doesn't work with DP. His pants will stay on the floor for weeks, nothing will be done.

I once came home from a work trip a day early and the house was disgusting, no loo or kitchen roll, sinks vile, unidentified stink in the fridge as he doesn't throw anything out, spare room covered in piles of crap, our bed not made... he was horrified, he had been planning to do a last minute blitz and got caught out.

tinypumpkin · 04/03/2014 11:24

Figgy, that made me laugh. That is exactly what sent me over the edge this morning. It's the multiple tasks, cup colour, squash flavour, plate design etc.... Agh. I am on strike with you :)

DH had the audacity to say he did not have the time to make a phone call. Really? He does not know the true meaning of that phrase.

And yes, I do forget the names of the children and sometimes what I was actually originally doing before the latest direction from someone.

AnyFucker · 04/03/2014 11:24

How on earth do women find these manbabies remotely fuckable ? Confused

fryingpantoface · 04/03/2014 11:25

I have a good dh, he cleans, and is hands on, but it's still always me who does laundry, cleans the bathrooms, makes bottles for ds2, meal plans, and buys the food. It gets a little much

addictedtosugar · 04/03/2014 11:29

The thing is, I DO go away with work, and leave them to it for a week.

DH is late to work every morning, 'cause he can't get everything done in the mornings

The kids ran out of clothes - Nursery anounced with great glee one day that DS2 had some rather large trousers the previous week, as DH had bought new ones rather than wash them. They were a size too big (but the right age, we have kids who need clothes smaller than their age)

The house runs, but its the one offs - presents for people, insurances etc etc that don't happen. I suspect they WOULD happen, but just not on a time scale that I'd be happy with - I don't like leaving things to the last minuite, and would rather risk being early than late.

So maybe its not DH's problem, but mine for being too prompt with things?

Doshusallie · 04/03/2014 11:32

I decide everything. What we are doing, where we are walking, what everyone in the house is wearing.

What we eat, where we go out, what everyone gets for their birthdays and for Christmas.

How much money for Book Day, whether we have pancakes or not, what goes on them.

Whether the children do music lessons, which instrument, when they do their homework, where they do it, whether they go to Beavers/Cubs..

I don't necessarily carry out all the work associated with these decisions - DH cooks, made the pancakes, will produce the book money if asked, does drop offs at Beavers etc.....but the decision is ultimately mine about how time is spent. The only decision DH has made unilaterally about the children is that DS1 will play football.

Doshusallie · 04/03/2014 11:35

addicted - same here - I go away for up to a week at a time sometimes and they do survive. But the house is a bombsite, they don't do beavers or cubs because DH can't manage to get them there....he is pretty good about getting things done, but I have decided what and how

HuntingforBunting · 04/03/2014 11:36

Op I feel for you.

Here's how I am trying to manage dh currently:

I do none of his laundry. I will point it out when it smells. This frees me up for dcs.

He is in charge of the admin of all bills.

I only run my car. He sorts his.

I organise every thing to do with dcs. I work full time. I cook. We eat well. He cleans up. The house is generally a state. I help with homework.

Dcs do less activities than they or I would like. I can't get them to them. Dh takes them to one class at the weekend. I rest.

It's a total grind but with some refusals and deciding on what is absolutely vital and basically letting some things slip, I am just about hanging in without being withered with rage. Which is where I was getting to.

Your dh sounds nice though. Lots are really mean about piling the pressure on.

Solidarity «fist bump »

I

hattyyellow · 04/03/2014 11:38

Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes. You are not alone.

I've been fuming about this all morning. Sheer laziness over so many things - if I'm away for work the one day that DC have swimming lessons - they just don't go. If I decide to have a bath after a long day of work, house etc - I come down and DH is staring at freezer asking if we are eating microwave meals tonight and if so, why can't he find any in the freezer? As clearly cooking pasta as he did pre-marriage, has been removed from his skill set as we left the church on our wedding day.

He can be a great dad in many ways, but I end up doing so many things as well as working. I did read a scientific study once that said that men just do not notice overflowing laundry baskets etc - rather than choosing not to notice them. That made me feel marginally better.

I have been thinking a lot about generations - I can't quite articulate what I want to say - but it's along the lines of our parents generations still having been pretty traditional in male/female split. i.e. women do housework and men go out to work until relatively recently. We know we deserve more and that things should be fairly split at home, but if we married men whose mothers did everything for them and accepted doing all the housework - they grow up with that example and pattern. Which makes it harder to fight against.

Dh's mum went to a covent school and married at 18. She never had independence/questioned authority - going straight from her father's authority to her husband's. He still makes all the decisions/pays all the bills etc. They are still totally living in the 1950's. So, DH grew up with that. Which doesn't excuse his laziness, but does help to see where it comes from it a little. My mum did everything around the house too, but I've been brought up in a different generation so I'm trying to enforce my rights to not to all the housework but I'm still fighting against the past and what I grew up with. Will be interested to see if our children have different expectations when they find partners and have their own children - you would hope that our generation of women might teach more equal sharing of jobs around the house, but I don't know if I am :(

AnyFucker · 04/03/2014 11:41

Read "Wifework" everybody. It will change your life. If you want that, of course.

ScienceRocks · 04/03/2014 11:42

chipshop that has happened to me, except my DH wasn't horrified that I got back early, he had a go at me for it.

AF I don't.

AnyFucker · 04/03/2014 11:44

Yup

So, carry on complaining. < shrug >

comicsansisevil · 04/03/2014 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 04/03/2014 11:47

Who doesn't understand ? You mean he chooses not to ? Men do see overflowing laundry baskets. They have the same eye sight as us. Some of them simply choose to leave it to the women who carry on picking up after them. That is an incredibly sexist thing to say and does no one any favours.

encyclogirl · 04/03/2014 11:48

I would say my Dh does more of the household stuff, and school pick ups than I do, due to his working hours. Which is great. But he does a miniscule amount of actual thinking, thats what drives me mad

This. Absolutely this.

comicsansisevil · 04/03/2014 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hattyyellow · 04/03/2014 11:50

It was actually a genuine study, I read it quite a while back re housework/how women on average noticed low level household tasks far more frequently than men. Can't find link, but will have a look later.

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 04/03/2014 11:51

I was thinking Wifework, anyfucker…

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 04/03/2014 11:52

all this stuff is classic "wifework"

ScienceRocks · 04/03/2014 11:52

Wifework ordered, thanks for the recommendation AF. If anyone else wants a copy, it is available for less than £3 on the likes of Amazon and Ebay.

AnyFucker · 04/03/2014 11:52

hatty, I could find a "genuine study" to support any ole shit

it may be true that women "notice" more, meaning they notice it and do something about it

lazy people notice then leave it to someone else, regardless of gender

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