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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to Sometimes get fed up being the pivotal person in my house?

542 replies

ChaosTrulyReigns · 03/03/2014 20:11

Had a bit of a melt - down today, for many reasons. Sad

I know that there really is no escape, but I seem to be the one who:

reminds,
decides,
repeats,
Is asked what/where/wgen/who/how,
and so on.

Does anyone else get fed up with nothing seeming to happen unless they provides the encouragement or urging or reminding or deciding to get it done?

OP posts:
minouminou · 07/03/2014 10:23

Oh I can see it.
There's no way DP would be as bad as your DH...but it's the mental space that is taken up by managing everyone, while he dies work full time, earns a good salary, sets up a few direct debits, drives everyone around for a couple if hours a week, THEN can switch off.

I'm part time, but being self-em

minouminou · 07/03/2014 10:23

...em

Crowler · 07/03/2014 10:23

And I threatened to divorce him many, many times in the early years. I felt totally trapped by my job, I developed a niche skill that required 100% travel as the years progressed and I wouldn't have considered anything but sole custody of my children, ever. Looking back I can see that I had options, but I couldn't see that at the time.

minouminou · 07/03/2014 10:23

Try again...
Employed means never switching off....always admin/invoices/ looking for new work etcetc

DaffodilLily · 07/03/2014 10:25

Aaargghh!! Very timely ...
My mil lives in the 60s, does everything for her lazy dh. He never lifts a finger (apart to move the mouse around on the computer). Latest thing...he had the audacity to ask my dh 'why does 'she' do a lot of the diy?'

As for my dh 'where did YOU put my ...' Me: 'it is where YOU left it ...'

'What do I put in my sandwich...' while standing with the fridge open.

'When does my car tax/MOT/Insurance run out ...' He decided my filing system was rubbish (I could open the file and go straight to the paperwork - colour-coded/labelled etc)

'What time does dd5 finish school...what day is her assembly...' etc

'Don't worry, I'll look after your child ...' (exploded at that ... it was so I could have a bath ... )

'What can dd5 wear ... ' (staring into the open wardrobe)

He wanted to renew dd5's passport 'I don't need your help' (then proceeded to ask me a zillion questions ...)

Wants a round of applause when he does something he considers to be my domain - like washing up.

Apologies for rant; we have fallen out over just how crap I am at parenting -according to him. (I spend 90% of my time with dd5)

Soo looking forward to this weekend ...

minouminou · 07/03/2014 10:27

I don't think it's so much contempt for "women's work" as sheer blindness and naïveté. He's quite happy to do menial stuff, but just some of it is half-arsed. He knows I'll ask him to do it again rather than do it myself, though.

Crowler · 07/03/2014 10:27

Honestly the one true thing that I know in my marriage now is that I don't have super-young children anymore :-) I like to think things have improved but the reality of the situation is that we have a lot more money than we did 10 years ago (largely due to my husband) and he would happily have me outsource everything, so he puts his money where his mouth is so to speak; and I don't have the drudgery of toddlers to deal with anymore.

Twintery · 07/03/2014 10:33

What do you mean by alternative explanation Spero?

Why not start a new thread and ask mumsnetters whether their partners have changed behaviour, and how long it took if they did.
If you want to of course.

Spero · 07/03/2014 10:33

minouminou - sorry I missed what you said about his attitude to finances.

That stinks. That is a massive red flag. I see this all the time in divorce cases - 'its MY house, I bought it why should SHE have any of it'.

Er, because without her you would have had to pay £30K plus per year for a nanny and £20K plus per year for a housekeeper.

They really can't get their heads round the concept that people contribute to marriages in different but equal ways.

And I don't care how much you earn or how 'important' your job is, or how long your hours are... you damn well wipe up spilt milk from your own floor without being told.

Crowler · 07/03/2014 10:36

I read that incident differently - he cleaned up the milk, but couldn't anticipate the knock-on effect of not cleaning it up properly. This lack of foresight viz the domestics is a common theme. Not self-importance, so much, just not knowing what to look for.

Spero · 07/03/2014 10:36

Twintery - I have been on this forum for nearly six years now. I have read very many of these threads.

I don't think I have EVER read a thread about How My Previously Useless Man Child turned it Around Due to Love and Respect for Me.

Of course, I accept that people don't tend to write about the 'good stuff' - they are too busy enjoying it! And I accept there are lots of lovely decent men out there and I have read threads about them too.

But this is quite specific. If your partner, over many years, displays the qualities of a contemptible cockwomble, what proportion of those men ever change and become decent human beings?

From my experience both personal and professional I would say 0.01%

Spero · 07/03/2014 10:39

And just something for people to think about... I am driving to see my dad today as my mum died on Tuesday. It was a very traditional marriage of 47 years. She did EVERYTHING. She moaned about it and was unhappy about it but wanted things her own way and said it was quicker to do it herself.

When she was dying, she asked my dad to help by sweeping the kitchen floor. He came in with a mop.

He is terrified, not merely by the loss of her but the fact he is now left helpless in his own home. I live a good four hours away so unless I can persuade him to move in with me, god knows what will happen to him. I suspect he will also die quite soon, out of sheer fear and worry.

I don't actually think you do people any favours by allowing them to become so helpless.

Crowler · 07/03/2014 10:40

Spero - I'm so sorry to hear this. Hope you're OK.

AnyFucker · 07/03/2014 10:41

I am sorry about your mum, spero

Spero · 07/03/2014 10:43

I am actually fine and sorry, not trying to derail thread. My mum had a very good life and did what she wanted, within the confines of her time and class. I don't have any regrets about our relationship and I am glad she died quickly and at home, not in hospital after years of dementia, as did both her parents.

The only thing she did regret about her life was that she felt she had to get married as she was perceived as being 'on the shelf' in the sixties at the age of 26! and she did find it very hard that dad would bumble about professing helplessness in the face of very simple tasks. But I think she would have agreed she allowed this to happen.

I think she would be upset to see that in 2014 women are still buying into this. I had hoped we had moved on since the 1950s and 1960s, but maybe not.

Crowler · 07/03/2014 10:45

Really not a derail, a very good point. I expect lots of people have to deal with fathers who fall apart after their mothers die, not only for emotional support but logistical support as well.

horsetowater · 07/03/2014 10:54

Twintery / Spero

It's absurdly simplistic to just say 'if you don't like it, leave'. Life really is not that simple and a real relationship is normally about compromise and change, managing change together through partnership.

Having lived with someone for a long time as a self-sufficient individual I wasn't prepared for the shock when children came along, that not good enough just wasn't tolerable any more.

By the time I realised that things weren't moving the dcs were getting older, with disabilities thrown in to. Life and elderly parents, family crises all get in the way. It's not quite enough to say you kicked Daddy out because he forgot to pay the Road Tax.

Of course men can change, it's their choice whether they want to or not. Many don't and I'm stuck with one like that now. However as one dd is doing GCSEs and we have had a spate of family tragedies the last thing I need right now is for someone to say that me staying with my partner is enabling him and amounts to condoning his behaviour.

Life isn't just 'I walked so you should too' Spero.

Spero · 07/03/2014 10:55

It is that simple.

It really, really is. You have one precious life.

Are you going to spend it with someone who causes you rage and pain nearly every day?

I wasted YEARS moaning 'o its not that simple! Relationships are supposed to be hard work! Maybe he will change!'

Sorry but its bollocks. If you decide to accept this situation YOU HAVE MADE A CHOICE.

You can make other choices.

Spero · 07/03/2014 11:02

Not for nothing is my favourite saying:

'the truth will set you free. but first, it will piss you off'.

Better go and see what state my dad is in, after 47 years of being 'looked after'. What's the betting its not good?

Good luck and good wishes to all of you in relationships that bring you more pain than joy. I hope that changes... I'm just not confident it will.

Badvoc · 07/03/2014 11:08

Spero. I'm so sorry for your loss x
My dad died very suddenly last July. My mum was totally dependant on him for everything.
It's been horrendous.
I have had to take a step back as - by basically taking up where dad left off - I am not doing her any favours.
It's hard though.
Very hard.
:(

minouminou · 07/03/2014 11:09

I'm wondering how to leave. Kinda painted into a corner at the moment, but doing a lot of thinking. It's true...we don't get long on this planet.

minouminou · 07/03/2014 11:15

Very sorry too, Spero.
I hope he decides to move near you, as a sort of halfway house to independence.

Twintery · 07/03/2014 11:22

Sorry about your loss too Spero.
And what you wrote is indeed relevant to this thread.

horsetowater, I agree with you.

Yes, a person may not change behaviour after many years of being asked, but at the beginning of what Spero wrote, she did just say chuck them out. They wont change. Full stop.

And yes, I may start a thread at some point.
Unless someone else wants to.

horsetowater · 07/03/2014 11:36

Sorry for your loss Badvoc. When my Dad died my brother took over some of her affairs, I have taken some and she has a cleaner and several lovely healthcare people. I have delegated as much as possible and found it's the best way. I think in any long term relationship, jobs get divided up - it's inevitable. Then when one passes, there are gaps left.

It's not a weakness to not know how to do everything though.

Spero it's not 'Bollocks' to want to keep it together for your family. It's 'Bollocks' to expect people to up and leave at the whims of a handful of worthies on the internet.

LisaMed · 07/03/2014 11:48

My father 82 is more capable on the housewifery front than my husband in his forties.

MIL did everything. This meant that when DH went to uni he literally lived on pot noodles for the first few weeks. He has picked stuff up as he has gone and now is pretty good cook, but hasn't cracked ironing yet despite trying.

I honestly believe that MIL sending off her child to uni in 1980s unable to feed themselves was outright failure as a parent.