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Original poster

to Sometimes get fed up being the pivotal person in my house?

542 replies

ChaosTrulyReigns · 03/03/2014 20:11

Had a bit of a melt - down today, for many reasons. Sad

I know that there really is no escape, but I seem to be the one who:

reminds,
decides,
repeats,
Is asked what/where/wgen/who/how,
and so on.

Does anyone else get fed up with nothing seeming to happen unless they provides the encouragement or urging or reminding or deciding to get it done?

OP posts:
YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime · 07/03/2014 08:18

I agree with all the sceptical posters. reading the endless stories of these men who are competent at work and unable to perform basic household tasks makes me think, who benefits?

  • they are competent at work - who benefits? they do
  • they are incompetent at home - who benefits? they do

and they care about what their work colleagues think of them. their female partner is not considered in this way, they are just the unpaid house keeper, kept on side through occasional crumbs.

...and so the next generation of men who 'just don't think the toilet ever needs cleaning' and the female domestic appliances.

generation after generation as free housekeepers.

and there terrible thing is: It does not have to be like this.

Twintery · 07/03/2014 08:21

Spero, of course some men change!
It is emotional laziness to just say they dont , dont try and change them, and ditch them.

Spero · 07/03/2014 08:30

Twintery - have you read the thread?

There seem to be very many women who have struggled with this situation for YEARS.

Now, maybe they are just gritting their teeth and smiling sweetly every day and these men have NO IDEA. But hmmm, that doesn't seem to be true does it? As many of them talk of how they express their anger. Sometimes every single day I bet.

Of course most of us have the capacity to change. But here's the kicker - only if WE WANT TO.

And why would these men want to? Particularly if they are motivated by strong internalised belief that housework is 'shit work' and to be undertaken by women.

I tried for very many years to 'change' my relationship as I had a small child to consider. It began to dawn on me that I would spend the rest of my life 'trying' and would never be met even half way.

So I left. Life is too short to spend it with someone who drags you down.

Spero · 07/03/2014 08:34

And if I could go back to my younger self I would say - don't let this rumble on for years.

Tell him he's got six months. And if no improvement at the end of that time, you walk. And mean it.

Then if he really IS a good person and he really DOES love you, he will get off his arse and put these 'feelings' into action.

But if he is in fact a lazy and contemptible cockwomble, at least you don't waste any more time finding that out.

Hogwash · 07/03/2014 08:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LauraBridges · 07/03/2014 08:46

Is it about money and power though? I earned 10x what he did ergo he did a bit more than I did at home, not just helping me but being in sole charge of much of it (we both worked full time). Mind you when we first married we earned the same and he had had his own house for a few years which he'd bought and cleaned it, managed his washing etc etc so perhaps it's just a question of has that man adequately run a house before and did he have a sexist set of parents?

If we did a graph showing female earning relative to their men, educational level and which within the couple works the longest hours would we see a pattern emerging?

Crowler · 07/03/2014 08:49

I invented this problem in my marriage. When I met my husband I was one of these stupid girls falling all over myself to do things for him. I was born with a love of all things domestic so it's always been a way that I express love/affection to people.

If I could go back to my younger self, I would absolutely look for different things in a man. This is not to say that I wouldn't have wound up with my husband, who I really love, just that I would have cast a very steely eye at many of his shortcomings.

Bonsoir · 07/03/2014 08:53

"When I met my husband I was one of these stupid girls falling all over myself to do things for him."

Don't blame yourself exclusively - IMO boys/men are often looking to be looked after. I am in the process of weaning my DSS1 (18), who loves to be looked after and has grown up equating it with being loved. We are definitely making headway - I don't want him to choose his wife on the basis that she will be his nursemaid.

Crowler · 07/03/2014 08:55

Sure it's got a lot to do with money and power, but I think gender roles are much harder to break than we like to think. I should also note when I met my husband I was making probably 4/5x what he was. We fell madly in love and had the quintessential whirlwind courtship - I think it really drew out my traditional side.

Crowler · 07/03/2014 09:08

Don't blame yourself exclusively - IMO boys/men are often looking to be looked after.

Sure, but this is the problem. I really hope boys (and girls) can change, because I wouldn't wish the early years of my marriage on anyone.

Twintery · 07/03/2014 09:35

I don't think men like this ever change because they are motivated at heart by contempt and dislike for women in general.

That was the sentence I was objecting to. Too much projection of your own circumstances.
Glad to see that you moderated it.

Spero · 07/03/2014 09:55

O I don't moderate it at all. It is what I believe - from my own personal experience and after 15 years as a family lawyer.

I would be very grateful to be shown I am wrong - but this thread will not be the place to achieve that aim.

minouminou · 07/03/2014 09:56

God this resonates.
I'll give you a fucking classic example from DP:

He spilled some milk on the kitchen floor, I was stood nearby doing the washing up. He got a cloth and some spray and cleaned it up, but left the floor (tiles) very wet and soapy.

DD walked in the water and slipped. I picked her up to comfort her and noticed the wet floor, so told DP he should have dried it more...
"Well you should have been watching me and told me..."

Spero · 07/03/2014 09:58

sorry - does he have learning difficulties?

If he doesn't WHAT IS HIS EXCUSE for creating a potentially lethal situation in the kitchen?

minouminou · 07/03/2014 10:02

He literally can't think for himself. He defers all non-work decision making to me, even something like asking for a price check at the supermarket is beyond him. I made him do it once and retreated to a safe distance... He looked like he was about to shit himself.

Crowler · 07/03/2014 10:04

That's pretty bad minou.

minouminou · 07/03/2014 10:05

But, as he ranted last night, he does everything...he shops once a week, pays all the bills (by direct debit), does the washing up (badly), does 50% of the school runs (during which he forgets to talk to teachers/hand in forms/leaves book bags, bike helmets/ clothes behind.

I'm fucked off in the extreme.

minouminou · 07/03/2014 10:07

To be fair, he is 50/50 with the kids physically....absolutely. But it's the micro-management, the foresight, the staying two steps ahead and all that...that's all me. And then he complains that I don't earn enough.

minouminou · 07/03/2014 10:09

He also said during his rant that if it weren't for him and his salary there'd be no house etc and that I don't appreciate this...or him.

minouminou · 07/03/2014 10:10

Sorry....I'm on one today.
Today, I am not made of sunshine.

Crowler · 07/03/2014 10:10

Yes. I understand. That's what's so vexing, is the "good" man who still can't rise to the occasion.

minouminou · 07/03/2014 10:12

The thing is, if I got a full-time out of the house job ;self-employed from home at mo), he'd have to do more logistics. He can't ask for both.

LisaMed · 07/03/2014 10:15

I once stood in the centre of the supermarket and yelled, 'Change the habits of a lifetime, make a decision!'

Not my finest hour. I was only asking if he fancied a swiss roll.

Crowler · 07/03/2014 10:19

Eh, working outside of the home... It doesn't guarantee much. When I talk about the "early" years of our marriage... I was working & traveling full time/100%. My husband had some "adjustment" issues to parenthood, yes? He was at home working on some ill-defined PhD related tasks on a year off from said PhD and so we hired a nanny - the crap I did on the weekend would make your hair curl. No cleaner, so I cleaned; he didn't do shopping (no delivery in NYC in early 2000's) so I shopped; I got up with the baby, I did everything. I did the carrot/sweet potato puree ice cubes on the weekend when he started on solids. It was grim.

Like I said, I blame myself and I can't believe that I tolerated it, but when you're in the eye of the storm you sometimes can't see the forest for the trees.

Spero · 07/03/2014 10:20

But leaving water on a kitchen floor is likely to create a serious hazard - as was shown when your daughter slipped in it. She's lucky she didn't bang her head and get concussion or worse.

This ISNT about not wanting to make decisions.

I think stuff like that is quite deliberate - a passive aggressive two fingers up at you for 'making' him do 'women's work'. So he will do it but do it so badly that you don't ask again.

If he has got two normal functioning arms and hands and an IQ above a chicken's he can wipe milk off a floor and do it safely. He choses not too.

So - if I am just projecting as a bitter old spinster who had bad experiences in relationships, can someone please offer me an alternative explanation for why an adult man of (I assume) normal intelligence and functions, behaves in this way?