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AIBU?

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Original poster

to Sometimes get fed up being the pivotal person in my house?

542 replies

ChaosTrulyReigns · 03/03/2014 20:11

Had a bit of a melt - down today, for many reasons. Sad

I know that there really is no escape, but I seem to be the one who:

reminds,
decides,
repeats,
Is asked what/where/wgen/who/how,
and so on.

Does anyone else get fed up with nothing seeming to happen unless they provides the encouragement or urging or reminding or deciding to get it done?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/03/2014 20:08

If you keep "handling it" he will keep sloping off to watch tv while you fume and raise your blood pressure

The definition of madness ? You need me to quote it ?...

unlucky83 · 06/03/2014 20:22

any I do often wonder that ...Grin
And spero the penny has dropped with me - I was an enabler and am trying not to be but it is slow progress...
He really does seem to have become so dependent ...and it isn't just laziness - scary really - if I died I don't know how he would cope Blush - unless he would just get his shit together and be fine Hmm..
For me at least it was something I just fell into eg when his English wasn't so good it was 'normal' for me to speak on the phone etc for him (I have done the same for other non- English speaking friends) and I'm sure if we lived in France it would be the other way round (when we visit he does speak for me) but now there is no reason for it except a lack of confidence that he can ...
(Actually what makes me laugh - and I don't think he does it on purpose - but his accent on the phone is much stronger than in RL - the opposite of putting on your best phone voice!!)

AnyFucker · 06/03/2014 20:25

unlucky if you died, he would simply find another enabler (probably a rescuer type of woman) to look after him

don't kid yourself you are indispensable...that is a very big mistake

Preciousdaisybear · 06/03/2014 20:43

Thank God it is not just me. I swear that nothing would happen, no one would ever leave the house and do anything if I didn't organize it. Actually Christmas this year might be interesting as I am going to hand it over to DH who always moans about how much I spend. Well it's his turn this year. Mwahahahaha!

Preciousdaisybear · 06/03/2014 20:46

DH had the startling discovery a few nights ago about how dispensible he was. Think it caused him to think, if not to act.

AuditAngel · 06/03/2014 20:47

We have had a good week this week. DH has actually made 2 telephone calls for himself. The only reason is that I cannot pretend to be Mr AuditAngel on the phone (believe me he did suggest it) to his insurance company and our schedules this week mean he cannot do what he normally does which us make me call them, he tells them to speak to me then leaves me to do all the work.

DH does cook if he is here (he is a chef) I cook because we have to eat whereas he enjoys it. But I have to tidy afterwards. We used to joke that whoever cooked went to fetch the kebabs had cooked so the other would clear after, but now I have to do both (because DH has done the hard bit taking it from the bag and putting it onto a plate) Confused

DH always takes the kids to the dentists, although I book the appointments, put them on the calendar and forward the email reminder the dentist sends.

DH also takes the DC to dancing and waits for the youngest to finish whilst I collect the older two later.

But I still have to do the shopping, the thinking the washing, the homework..........and know ego needs to be where and when. The one that winds me up the most is that DH usually doesn't work Thursdays, he has DD2, collects older 2 from school, takes to dancing, yet if he has to Orkney 3 times this month FFS) then why am I the one who has to arrange alternatives?

AND this week (having arranged that his mother will mind DD while he has to work) he moaned that it meant he had to get the train to London from a different train station (like it really matters?)

AuditAngel · 06/03/2014 20:50

By the way, for those saying they would not know what to do re paperwork without their DO, DH has asked me to do a special folder "For when AuditAngel dies" so he knows who the life assurance is with, the house insurance, the pensions, the kids bank accounts etc.....

TheFalconsmistress · 06/03/2014 21:02

Yes constantly angry about it :/

RedPencils · 06/03/2014 21:20

This is the story of my life. It's not so much the doing everything, it's just having to kmow everything. Where stuff is, what time stuff happens. Why do I have to fill my head with this stuff and he doesn't?

From yesterday, Parents evening. DT1s teacher comes for us when its our turn. As we walk to the classroom with her, he asks me is this for DT1 or 2? Ffs DT2s teacher is a man. And it's not the first time he's met them either.

Spero · 06/03/2014 21:24

You don't have to. I don't any more. No one has to.

unlucky83 · 06/03/2014 21:40

any I know I'm not indispensable - fell into that trap and I'm working on getting him to get it together...he is dispensable at the moment...and I think he has come to realise that...
Audit you could be me - really so many similarities it is scary ...the phone thing - DP has done that - passed the phone to me...
And the cooking (DP is also a chef) He would cook massive fancy meals - things he wants to eat and we don't and leave me with the tidying up ...or make a bad job of doing it ...he would also complain my cooking was too plain ...I would put a plate down and he would jump up and make an omelet or something too Angry...
My solution is I don't cook (or shop special things) for him. He used to work evenings and not be around so I find feeding Dcs easy. He can have what we are eating - and not make a fuss etc - or make something for himself and tidy up after himself...and he cooks for the DCs usually when he is off (and me if I like it or I will make something for myself)
My stuff is organised if I did die (nearly did in my mid 20s - so know how fragile things are) there is a letter to my sister telling her my computer password (work too & has to be protected) and DP is still not good with doing more on a computer than surfing the web...
Everything is labelled in the filing cabinet - but then I bet DP couldn't find the wills - but our solicitor has them and will keep him right...

GarthsUncle · 06/03/2014 22:02

This thread is going to make me Sad and Angry, isn't it?

AnyFucker · 06/03/2014 22:04

yup

sixlive · 06/03/2014 22:08

Today I realised that being the font of all decision making that it will be me that is blamed if it goes wrong. If you never make decisions you can't be wrong.

ILoveDolly · 06/03/2014 22:09

You have to fight for your right to.... Just be. I get asked where things are that I literally have not seen/touched like 'do you know where I put my passport'? Apparently they regard me as omniscient. I have clearly stated what I don't do and if it doesn't happen I won't accept the fallout. Grinds teeth.

Hogwash · 06/03/2014 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GuineaPigGaiters · 06/03/2014 22:19

Well if a partner is not physically there because they are working very long hours then it's understandable that the other picks up the flack (if they work less hours or are sahp) ...but I'd imagine that the conversation would have to be had that both parties were happy with that arrangement. Did he take up the responsibilities again when he WAS home and working better hours??

Diane31 · 06/03/2014 23:28

Chaos - I could have written your posts Chaos. He does the car repairs, decorating, works fulltime and cooks (much better at that than me!) but most other stuff falls to me. I don't mind, though sometimes it is overwhelming and I much prefer the school hols! No worrying about uniforms, packed lunches, getting them out of bed!

NightLark · 06/03/2014 23:35

We had an extension built recently. It was oddly relaxing, watching things the builders had organised, happen. Joists arrived and were fitted, bricks arrived and were made into walls. No-one asked me how to do any of it. It was quite nice.

QuiteQuietly · 06/03/2014 23:48

Same meals every week on set days has revolutionised our lives - same online order turns up every week. Amazon subscriptions for toilet roll, bleach, toothpaste etc.

Automate as much as you can and if the kids aren't working for you, they are working against you. Eliminate choices (only 1 colour of cup, 1 flavour of squash/yogurt). Don't be a martyr or dependable or "needed". Life is better for everyone if my absence is not noticed, even though my mighty attachment to being critically important is hard to overcome.

Shocking to read some of these posts, but it truly takes two to create some of this disadvantage.

GarthsUncle · 06/03/2014 23:59

Ah. It did.

I'm going to use fiscal's tip on DS1 though.

Cardamom, I'll look out for your thread on Relationships when you're ready.

LauraBridges · 07/03/2014 07:13

(Yes I find it shocking what some women seem to accept. Where do they find these kind of child men?)

horsetowater · 07/03/2014 07:44

Quitequietly are you saying DP is an oaf because I failed in some way? Is his failure to take responsibility now my responsibility as well?

fluffycushions · 07/03/2014 07:51

single mum, so do it all.

but being single makes it easier, as there is not someone else sitting around NOT doing anything, which would drive me mad.

There's no option other than to get on with it.

Spero · 07/03/2014 07:58

horsetowater, I think what is being said - or at least what I am saying - is that yes, it does take two people to permit this kind of situation to develop and persist.

there does seem to be a subset of toxic men who are perfectly competent but pretend to be hopeless in order to release themselves from any domestic burden which they consider quite beneath them.

This makes me furious because not only is it lazy, it is indicative of an enormous contempt for women and what they perceive to be our 'role'.

But they wouldn't get away with it if they didn't find women who let them.

After many years of being asked where the towels were by a man with post graduate qualifications I am very happy being single. The stress and strains of organising a house as a single working parent are nothing compared to the stress and strains of managing some awful man child who professes ignorance about the simple workings of a household and tries to off load everything onto his 'partner' AKA unpaid and unappreciated housekeeper.

As with all shit situations in life you do have choices. You can end the relationship or you can put up with it. I don't think men like this ever change because they are motivated at heart by contempt and dislike for women in general.