to Sometimes get fed up being the pivotal person in my house?

[ChaosTrulyReigns]

Had a bit of a melt - down today, for many reasons.

I know that there really is no escape, but I seem to be the one who:

reminds,
decides,
repeats,
Is asked what/where/wgen/who/how,
and so on.

Does anyone else get fed up with nothing seeming to happen unless they provides the encouragement or urging or reminding or deciding to get it done?

If you asked DH he'd say he does it all, but when I was ill last week DD missed her dance class, they went to Pizza Hut for tea and I was the only one home to deal with the shopping delivery. All of which was in the family calendar.

I work away from home a lot. My husband always asks me to leave him a list of things to do when I am away, such as 'take DD to party, check she has done her homework, etc.' And then, when I get home after 3-5 days away, asks 'do we have anything in for tea tonight?' I Don't Fucking Know, I Have Not Been Here For The Last Few Days! It's a phrase I use too often. I also find it demoralising when I have been to the shops, stocked up the fridge and cupboards for the days I will be away, and come home to find the same food in the fridge, out of date. Because you can be sure in our house cleaning mouldy veg out of the veg basket is women's work!

If you are as am an or women in charge of a job then you do get it done. It comes down to always being responsible for that job eg always taking the children to school - my father drove us every day until we were 18 for example in the 1960s/70s. He hoovered the house on Saturdays. If you know what your tasks are you do them whatever your gender. Same sex couples have the same issues. I have them with my adult son and me. He cooks every night for him and his brothers.

If instead you normally do a task and suddenly want the other person to do it then yes it's harder. That seems to be most of the examples on the thread. Instead you want a fair division in the first place really.

My children 's father had had his own house and when we married he was the one who knew about houses, dishwashers, washing systems etc. so he was better than I was at first. In suspect for many couples it starts the other way round but all of them can learn these very very simple tasks if they are in charge of it.

Obviously if a slob marries a neat freak whatever their genders sparks will fly.

Every single time, without fail, at the weekend when we are heading out with the two children, 3 and 1, my lovely kind, supportive DH asks me what needs to be done.

Shoes and coat on. That's it. That's bloody it. Arrrrgghhhh

I'm laughing loudly at 'I'm not the fucking cheese monitor'. Brilliant! Going to try that one the next time DH starts asking where things are.

I too get totally pissed off with having to think for everyone. It would never cross DH's mind to - shock horror - check to see if we have bread or milk, or to see if the lunchboxes have been washed up, or anything like that. And he asks me where everything is, all the bloody time. Especially things that he's lost. I just say I don't know now whenever he asks me anything. DD does brownies once a week and he always, always without fail asks me each week about what time she needs picking up. I've just started saying "I dunno, what time do you usually get her?"

Grrr.. my DH is lovely but it astounds me how often he swears we never had the conversation about parents' evening / half term arrangements / the food I have organised for the kids' tea tomorrow, etc. So my brain has to deal with it all twice. [hurty brain]

At the moment I am stuck in bed post surgery so am trying to resist the urge to conduct remote control parenting. Luckily I am on nice drugs, so the fact that the kids haven't had a bath for three.. or is it four.. days is kind of floating over me with only a mild level of interest.

And here's a nice example. In hospital while chatting to the (male) consultant after the operation we had this conversation.
Consultant: It's my mother's birthday today, she's xx [some impressive age].
Me: How lovely, are you doing something nice for her?
Consultant: Oh, yes! Actually, I'll have to ask my wife what it is I've got for her.

Reading these I realise I have started the passive aggressive resistance line too.

Dh without fail asks what time ds2 needs picking up from footy. My stock answer is oh usual time He has learnt not to ask what time 'usual' is.

I get in the questions before he can ask, so if he gets home before I do I'll ask 'What's for tea?' just to see the look of slightly confused panic on his face as he realises he's in charge of cooking. (He's a good cook but it's the thinking that's beyond him.) Also in my repertoire are Has ds got any clean school shirts for tomorrow? and Wow the dog looks hungy. Amazing that you must have only just fed her !

I am really unhappy about the gender bias on this thread as it does not reflect my experience either in the relationship between my parents or my own or how my adult children are. How awful that so many women have to suffer disorganised men and why is that - that some of us don't and some do? Is it just that in some houses women work part tiem or don't work so the men leave everything domestic to the women and in houses where the women might well earn double what the men do the men pull their weight? Is it all about money and power?

I'm still reading but I can answer the what happens if you stop reminding

(1) MOTS get missed and spouses get fined. Ditto tax.
(2) Household insurance lapses
(3) Mother's birthdays (theirs) get forgotten and you think she's a BoB now wait till after that happens.

And that was just in one week of me refusing to remind.

Fanny. But I think that that is great.
Much rather having a consultant consulting than out buying a birthday present.

Yes, you can enable the behaviour you hate by always picking up the pieces, same with bad habits of children. If they know you wil always be there to do XYZ they won't do it.

and can I add that my children do not get proper food unless I physically put out food and say 'this is for you dinner, you must cook it thus ' - I come home from work and find they've been fed Monster Munch 'well that was what they wanted'

Cockwomble!

Oh my, I was having a huge rant about this just this morning! Sooooooooo over being the responsible adult!!!

Who moved. YYY to the house in surname, that was us this week....and whose responsibility was it to get it sorted?? Sometimes it's easier just to do it yourself.

How awful that so many women have to suffer disorganised men and why is that - that some of us don't and some do?

I can answer the some of us do question. My freaking MIL did EVERYTHING for her kids. They never had to lift a finger, not even when they got to Uni. She'd turn up clean up and pay bills and sort out any issues. DH was a CHILD in that respect, and I was too smitten and immature to realise he'd only change VEEERRRYYYY slowly. It's the thing most likely to fail our marriage. It's really NOT that hard to be a proactive person and not a reactive one, yet it seems like Everest to DH....and now DD seems to have inherited the trait. Que much arguing in this house, and much 'tough, you don't do it YOU face the concequences' with her. She hates it, but she'll thank me for it once she's a fully functioning adult! (I hope)
Sorry for the triple post...but my bloods up now!

Ugh. Insurance not in surname, and cue not que!!

You need to read 'Duct Tape Parenting' by Vicki Hoefle. It has opened my eyes and kicked me into action. You aren't doing your children, your family or yourself any favours at all by taking control of everything. My DH doesn't remember any of his families birthdays - this reflects on him not me. If my DD forgets her PE kit then she will miss out on PE and guess what - next time she won't forget it. What are your children going to do when they leave home or go off to Uni? If you continue to run their lives for them and take responsibility away from them they will be left floundering.

If your DH does disgusting stuff like leaving dirty underpants on the floor, not bothering to clean up then you are partly to blame for this. By picking up/clearing up after him you are enabling this behaviour. Being in a family is about respect and responsibility.

Women need to move away from this 'they can't cope without me' and become proud that actually their family take responsiblity for their lives and work as a family. If I see a mother who is running around working full time, micro managing her family with numerous organisers etc I don't think wow look at that she's in control. I think why, why, why?

If abled bodied neuro typical adults cannot be relied upon to fulfil simple tasks like renew their car insurance or remember their mother's birthday then something is very, very wrong with both people in that partnership - both with the lazy cockwomble and his enabler.

If you allow people to assume the role of lazy incompetent, then don't moan when the live up to it with gusto.

This is my life OP. DH finds it easier to ask me rather than read the notices on the board or look at the calendar! It gives me the rage! Glad to hear I am not alone.

if I couldn't rely on my H I would wonder what the point of him was, tbh

I just bloody well lost it on bloody DH.

I want someone who is present in this family, participating in it together. Not using some ridiculous minor excuse "well you were busy and you snapped at me" bullshit excuse for sloping off to watch television by himself while the rest of the family is busy clearing away dinner, filling in trip forms, writing cheques, updating calendar and diaries FFS. Especially after not being here all week and me with my wrecked knee and massive work deadlines having to keep all the fucking plates spinning. Oh, the wife will handle it. Like everything. I am FUMING.

He can fuck right off. I am not apologising.