to Sometimes get fed up being the pivotal person in my house?

[ChaosTrulyReigns]

Had a bit of a melt - down today, for many reasons.

I know that there really is no escape, but I seem to be the one who:

reminds,
decides,
repeats,
Is asked what/where/wgen/who/how,
and so on.

Does anyone else get fed up with nothing seeming to happen unless they provides the encouragement or urging or reminding or deciding to get it done?

Our set up s much more equal than many here but not pefect by any account.

One thing I learned about myself is I can act to not perpetuate things. I don't know about other women, but I certainly feel a deep need to be seen as competent...

It has taken a lot to reprogram myself to not wag my tail and try to be The One Who knows every time.

I have built a stock of responses, 'no idea' 'haven't a clue' 'nope, ask me another...' Etc.

Once I got over not being the competent one, it got so, so much easier.

I have a book recommendation for you all:

The Second Shift by Arlie Hochschild:

www.amazon.co.uk/The-Second-Shift-Arlie-Hochschild/dp/B000CDG842

She articulates exactly this problem and how so often domestic arrangements are unfair.

I agree with divide, don't delegate.

And choose what you DON'T DO carefully so it doesn't tread on too many toes:

DP doesn't 'belive in dusting' or ever notices that floors need washing (hoovering he does constantly, mopping never). He has a Joan Rivers attitude to those two aspects of cleaning really...

I have taken the bins out once in the whole of our relationship. I have used the hoover once in the two months that we have lived in our new house. And that was to clean up a mess I had made...

I do most of the cooking, he bakes the bread and does the packed lunches most days.

He does most of the laundry as he doesn't work on Fridays, but I do woollens/delicates and any stain removal.... you get the picture. Some tasks are firmly divided.

We generally do not comment on the other's refusal to do some chores. Even when it needs doing. It is the code.

And in return for never doing the bits we hate, we do the fair share of the rest and are understanding about the pressures the other is under. However, that part does involve not being in a long term relationship with a wanker...

yanbu
I don't work outside of home atm but I keep saying that this is the hardest job I've ever done and for very little appreciation it often seems!!

I hear you Chaos!

This drives me crazy in my house. DSS would never have anything he needs for school etc. DH would never find anything, have any clean clothes. Sometimes I want to leave everyone to their own devices, and watch it all fall down around their ears!

I was in Brussels for 2 days, tried to get dd to agree a we'd costume weeks ago. Utterly stressed out and busy trip. DH found out we'd is tomorrow, and decides dd will be Wally, despite her wants, and I am sent to find the hat (we had the rest TG). Traipsed Bru in my 2 hours downtime before getting to airport, after a bad nights sleep and when I need to do more real work. Got home midnight last night. Spent my lunchtime traipsing again, instead of gym for swim and shower, so had to get Burger King lunch to eat at my desk! and we STILL had strops tonight (from both), as well as DH glaring at me cos he forgot to make so,etching for the au pair to eat for dinner (I think he expected me to prep tonight's dinner when I got in last night! but it was piss easy to make just needed to be done and put on the oven timer).

I am stressed out at home and work, but have to be the one to keep all DDs stuff together, track DHs international travel, chase my boss to finish things off, chivvy my staff to get things done and not eat the head off senior staff, suffer sleep deprivation die to DDs bad sleep habits, never catch up due to her weekend activities,....I really could go on but it would only depress me further.

Have had a quick scan through this thread and it all sounds v v familiar. Great DH who will do whatever I ask but it's the constant thinking for everyone that gets to me. Last week he called me as I was driving home from work and said "I'm already home, I'll cook tea" "great" I reply, "what shall I cook?" he then says! I just wanted to scream!!!

DS13 is a nightmare at organisation and just can't get himself up in the mornings so much shouting, nagging in our house was the norm until I decided when he went back to school after Xmas he was on his own. I make sure all his uniform, kit etc is ready on a Sunday but no more nagging, wake up calls etc from me. And you know what, he's managed to get himself up, bag packed, right sports kit on right days etc without a hitch. So OP, depending on the age of your kids it really won't all fall apart it you leave them to it.

It is really hard but you need to step back and let them suffer the consequences - they are capable they just see it as your job and therefore not their responsibility.

They may not do it your way but it will be perfectly adequate and survivable.

My 11 year old is widening her range of snacks and meals she can make!!

UnearthlyChild Yes, being less competent does help, as does getting dcs to do stuff. It has really helped psychologically for me to respond to a stupid question with 'mmm?', or 'I don't know, whatever you want' etc. DP still continues to try it on and catch me out. He also almost certainly deliberately gets things spectacularly wrong sometimes, in a similar attempt to get me to take the job back on again.

Now I just say 'Oh dear' and move on. Years ago I would have got annoyed or reacted. Neutral voice and neutral face seems to help.

Yep when dh has spoilt clothes due to putting a dark silk blouse in a normal 40 degree wash, not treating stains on white cothes, washing strong green and pale yellow together it has been hard to just accept that he's made a mistake and let it go with only a passing remark on why you have to look at labels and if in doubt leave my "posh" stuff in the dirty basket.

He is much better at using colour catchers now though

When something is wrecked I just say "never mind I'll just get a new one" and remind him how much it cost.

Yanbu
I've gone on strike and everything has gone nuclear round me.
It just makes it harder to clean it all up and carry on

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if something happened to me.

And last week I threw a bitch batshit crazy fit and they all looked at me and said 'what do you want us to do' gah!!! I couldn't even leave (I had my coat on ready) because I was afraid my youngest twos needs wouldn't be met while I was out

I feel for you op x

All so familiar I'm afraid.

My husband used to open the dishwasher, pull out the racks and then shout to me "Are these dishes clean?"

What! Are you incapable of looking and making that decision without input from me?

Whenever I get this question I now become a screaming Banshee so it doesn't happen very often anymore.

ComposHat's post just made me apologise to DH who I called a bad name when he bought so much food at Aldi (doubling up on everything) that we went overdrawn.

He's a good lad, as are you Compo.

My husband used to open the dishwasher, pull out the racks and then shout to me "Are these dishes clean?"

LOL! I think I got that yesterday evening. I said 'I don't know' and carried on moaning about him on mumsnet .

What a bunch of incompetents. When we need to change a lightbulb do we go 'Are these lightbulbs working?' or 'Is this a 40w or a 60?' or 'Where do you keep the lightbulbs'. No. We don't. We WANT to make it work, we WANT to get the job don, we will actually TRY.

I actually have my OWN toolkit so I can just get on and do what needs to be done without having to consult him on where the Philips screwdriver might be and then be completely ignored, or told 'I'll do that later' which of course he won't.

Just out of interest, would you think it's fair the woman does pretty much everything in the home if she is a SAHM and the man was sole earner and worked long hours?

My DH works and sorts our finances. He works hard and for long hours with quite a bit of travelling. I do everything else. All DIY, car maintanance, all the kids stuff, all shopping etc. We have very clearly defined roles and it works brilliantly - we never argue about who does what. He is respectful of what I do and will do things at home if he has time off such as cooking. He also doesn't criticize me about how I do things either - I don't consult him about household 'stuff' It is easier because we can afford a cleaner and I don't have to be too careful about what we spend.

Don't worry that we have some sort of dreamy eyed perfect relationship, he can annoy the hell out of me about other things but we have the 'who is responsible for what' side of life sorted.

do you want me to get a haircut? when are the easter holidays? what are we doing this weekend? do the kids have any parties on? what will I get my Mum for Christmas? Can you get it? And don't get me started on when he has to get them dressed. I've actually put outfits together and photographed them for him so he can see what goes with what. And still he'll put them in clothes 2 years too small, or no socks, or ds in dd's top

I've just texted the hair dresser. Left to his own devices DH would never ever have his hair cut.

And this is why I am glad I am single. Amazing that there are so many men who hold down jobs but appear to be so stupid, lazy and incompetent in every other area of their lives. And sad that so many women allow this.

yes spero. the only job I do for DP is book his dentist appointment when booking my own (as I would rather have a clean mouth to kiss).

however if he needs a haircut, dry cleaning collecting etc., I don't even see it as my job so ignoring it come naturally.

so if his hair looks a mess or he has no clean suits - its his issue. and not my problem.

Yanbu. It's the being responsible for every decision that drives me mad. The other day Dh was in the kitchen, the cat was winding itself round his legs yowling in front of an empty bowl, and he shouted to me "shall I feed the cat?"

He has stopped asking me if we have any cheese/eggs/etc whilst standing with the fridge door open, as I just yell "who am I, the fucking cheese monitor??" Back at him

Can I join in too ?

I've finally caught the sodding virus that the kids have brought back from school twice in three weeks . I feel like fucking shit . I was promised a day in bed by the DH . So how come at 08.15 I've got two DC's sitting on the bed having their faces painted for book day ? And how come I get up at 4am , do a stupidly busy 8 hours shift , drive the 100 miles home and then get greeted with 'what's for dinner ? ' to which my response was 'whatever you fucking cook'

I'm no pushover , really , I'm not . But no one , NO ONE seems to be able to do any forward fucking planning . Like thinking about dinner at any point sooner than 5.30pm on the day in question . Or keeping enough wood cut so that we're not hunting about in the woodshed with an axe at 9 o'clock at night so the uniforms can be dry in time for the following day . It's not fucking rocket science , is it ? Just once , I'd like someone else to have all the decision making responsibilities , because I'm fucking sick of it .