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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to Sometimes get fed up being the pivotal person in my house?

542 replies

ChaosTrulyReigns · 03/03/2014 20:11

Had a bit of a melt - down today, for many reasons. Sad

I know that there really is no escape, but I seem to be the one who:

reminds,
decides,
repeats,
Is asked what/where/wgen/who/how,
and so on.

Does anyone else get fed up with nothing seeming to happen unless they provides the encouragement or urging or reminding or deciding to get it done?

OP posts:
MumblesUk · 05/03/2014 12:36

YANBU. I often have this kind of meltdown! But unfortunately if I left things to sort themselves out the house would probably fall down. I am away from our house for 12 hours a day three days a week, and when I get home on those days I still have to help clear up tea, toys, cleaning, think about washing, school bags, etc etc etc My sis (child free) has suggested I delegate but sometimes it's too difficult - nothing would get done!

WeatherWitch · 05/03/2014 13:16

YANBU - on Monday I had a bit of a a massive strop about this after mentioning that I never seemed to have any time to do the things I wanted because I was too busy running the house and sorting out ironing and laundry and shopping lists and arranging the dog's vaccinations etc etc etc and being told "yes you do - you really enjoy cooking". This then resulted in a counter-grumble from DH about how busy he is and all the important things he does around the house and how he never sits down and has to organise everything whereas I just get to do lots of lovely leisure activities like making dinner and mowing the lawn. Luckily he's away for a couple of days so I could drain down on my mother last night, whose response was, "Of course - he's a man."

Carriemac · 05/03/2014 13:27

Run a mutual online calendar like google calendar with every single activity listed
split the jobs in a fair way reflecting work and childcare commitments
don't criticize each others way of doing things
when things are lost/missing dont look for them or even take an interest in where they might be
write packing lists for every situation on the ipad
sleepover/cub camp / weekend away/skiing

MNHQ
KatieMumsnet · 05/03/2014 13:34

Hi AnnaLegovah, yes it's taking place here in London, but via Google hangout, so you could join from the comfort of wherever you are....

YouTheCat · 05/03/2014 13:48

I lived with one of these manchildren (and his mother who is firmly stuck in 1950). Even when I was working and struggling with the kids (ds has autism) I was still expected to do every single thing. Luckily he's now my ex.

Living with my partner now has been a revelation though. He works long hours and I work part time. I do most of the housework/admin/decorating but he mucks in plenty and without me ever having to ask/nag/cajole. There's no more resentment in my life and it's great.

LornaGoon · 05/03/2014 14:19

Oh how familiar is all of this! I've tried leaving any mess but as I'm a SAHM I just don't want to live in it all day. I don't want the DC in mess or filth.

DP wants a thousand house points for Gryffendor if he does anything around the house. However, he frequently does a half-arsed job, pushing the dirt under the sofa with the hover, has left dirty nappies on the floor, food left in the sink. Just disgusting. It's very unattractive to be honest.

DP has got so poor at thinking for himself that he couldn't be arsed to close the back door behind himself this morning. God help him if he ever says again, "I'll babysit the kids for you to help you and give you a break".

I used to work in admin/PA stuff but really don't want to go back to it. If I thought I'd have to go out and wet-nurse grown men (and sometimes women!) who are too lazy to think for themselves, get paid more than me and then come home and do it all again, I would probably just cry.

13loki · 05/03/2014 14:59

I have had a massive tantrum. I do the banking, take DD1 to childminders, do all the shopping, all he Washing, all the ironing (only DHs shirts). I also am the one who is up in the middle of the night breastfeeding. I do most of the cooking and cleaning. DH takes DS to before school club and picks him up after school. At the school where he works. DH carefully put the clothes I washed, ironed and folded for him in his floordrobe! I have reminded him I am on maternity leave, not cleaning leave. My car battery is dead. He has said he'll jump start it. It's only been a week. I need it going so. I can get it booked in for a service and some simple repairs before his parents borrow it in 6 weeks.

StormyBrid · 05/03/2014 15:17

I read Wifework while pregnant in 2012. Made it very clear that I wasn't prepared to do all the thinking and organising for all three of us. Then-P smiled, nodded, and kept playing Xbox while I ran around trying to do everything.

He's now sitting in a shitty room in a shitty shared house, wondering what the hell happened. I, meanwhile, have very much enjoyed this thread for the reminder of all the things I no longer have to do. Thanks for starting it, OP!

ProfanityMere · 05/03/2014 16:21

YANBU - this is fast track to divorce. My DH and I were like this a year ago when I had had my explosion. I work FT, bring home the primary salary and yet did everything. ALL the cooking, houswork, nursery and school runs, all the banking, bills, car, holidays, family and friends' birthdays. Every single thing. He is a loving man and a great dad but he had been lulled into thinking I was his mother. We sat down and discussed it and I gave him a list of half of the chores/admin tasks and he admirably rose to the challenge and took on his share. I listened to his requests too (the house doesn't have to be immaculate 24/7 etc). Now we sit down every Sunday eve and sync our diaries and catch up on "to-do lists" for the week ahead and things are great! We are a genuine equal partnership.

Don't let this continue OP, it doesn't have to be like this.

LauraBridges · 05/03/2014 17:17

Well done to profanity. I also suggest due diligence. before we married he showed me how he organised his house, his system for drying shirts etc. If you instead marry a man child whose mother is in a sexist relationship and has been brought up to think women serve men you are getting yourself an awful life.

I would say don't tolerate this kind of thing even for a day. Make things fair. Don't enable these kinds of awful men.

cherrylola · 05/03/2014 17:47

I do it all too, have done forever, ever single tiny thing, EXCEPT... When I got pregnant 18 months ago we decided to buy our first house. I had just started a new high pressure job and was dealing with serious fatigue and morning sickness, so I said NO MORE! If he wanted to move he had to sort it out. And to my utter surprise he DID!!! Everything, all of it, mortgage paperwork, insurance stuff, hire van, everything!
He did make one slight fuck up which cost him a couple of hundred quid (I of course would not make this mistake!) but we moved and I didn't have to stress about it.
I now do everything again tho, not quite sure how that happened, might have to have a word Wink

comicsansisevil · 05/03/2014 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doasbedoneby · 05/03/2014 18:02

Is there a possibility by doing it all, that people are perpetuating the situation and their children will think a woman doing it all is normal?

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime · 05/03/2014 18:33

i dont think ranting or tantruming is the way to deal with decades of cleaning up someone else shit and them not even noticing.

if you get together in your 20s or thirties, how many years would you be a free domestic servant for a manbaby before you died? its a lifetime of being taken for granted. and being seen as lesser than them.

it needs a serious sit down and a firm and resolute statement that the balance of work in the house must be fair. there is flexibly around who does what and to what standard, but both parties contributions to the house must be equal. shirking is not acceptable.

why have sex with someone who thinks you a lesser than them? that's grim. its all grim, its not ok and threads like this cannot normalise this behaviour.

its not supportive to women to make other women think this is normal.

BettyBotter · 05/03/2014 18:34

A key difference I've noticed between me and dh:

I couldn't sit and relax if somebody else is doing chores. I feel obliged to help until everything's done. Dh on the other hand will ask what needs doing, does a single job e.g. put the washing on, that I've pointed out needs doing and then will blissfully sit and relax while other people (me) are still charging round clearing up, hoovering, signing school planners, cleaning loos, etc etc etc etc.

I've actually asked him if he feels guilty sitting on his fat arse watching me working, while he's doing nothing. How surprised he looked at the idea
" No why would I feel guilty? I put the washing on ! "
Angry

Varya · 05/03/2014 18:36

For some reason I arrange our buildings and contents insurance, the tv licence, the gas/electric/water bills and I pay for them as well. My husband pays for food, council tax, phone and internet connection. He has always earned more than me!

unlucky83 · 05/03/2014 19:06

Betty - that is part of the problem too - 'he asks what needs to be done'
It is obviously your responsibility to know what needs to be done ...he couldn't look and think right 'the house needs a tidy up', or 'the school planners need signing' ...you have to make that decision for him...(and I bet he is thinking he put the washing on 'for you')
My aim is to give DP (when he has got his confidence back - and I really think he has become dependent on me - not just a lazy arse (although I would say he might be that too)) set responsibilities and then leave him to them...

unlucky83 · 05/03/2014 19:09

You see I still bloody think 'give him' - like I'm dealing with a DC -
It should be we decide as a couple of adults who has what responsibilities...ahhhhhh (almost gives up hope!)

BigBoPeep · 05/03/2014 19:11

YANBU. I do fucking everything too. I can go on 'strike' and seriously, things just pile up, don't get done etc. no matter what the consequences, without so much as a comment - it's terrible!!! Women make the world go round. Fact.

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 05/03/2014 19:30

some good points.

I think getting angry is good.

This situation can creep up on you, especially if you start of with the woman going on maternity leave, then once at home starts doing the lion's share of the chores, then somehow it stays that way (this happened to me).

We had reached an almost breaking point in our relationship a few weeks ago. When I was just soooo angry, and told DH exactly what I do all day (I work part time, we have a puppy who I do all the walks/looking after for, two kids (at school, mostly ;) + everything else, oh yes, I am even the DIY person, the car person and everything else).

So, when I got angry (again) DH cried and said he would do anything at all for us to stay together. I said he had to stop saying "I love you" when looking up from his computer game/e-bay whilst I am doing the washing up." It is easy to say "I love you". Show me the love by fucking helping, and doing your bit!

The annoying thing is that things only change when I actually seriously start thinking about leaving.

It has to be bad for DH to change, but he does change. He gradually does more in the house, without prompting.

does anyone el;se experience this? I was really seriously thinking about calling it a day. That's how bad it had to get.

Silverfoxballs · 05/03/2014 19:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

horsetowater · 05/03/2014 19:45

By not doing anything they make themselves completely obsolete. If DP and I separated I would have an organised home, wouldn't have to keep repeating myself, wouldn't be wondering why I'm the only person in the hospital with dd on my own when everyone else is there as a couple.

The only difference is I would have to put out the bins once a week. Oh, and I would get a good night's sleep without snoring on a clean bed that doesn't have bits of footscraping at the bottom.

It's a crock of shit, it really is. Exactly what's in it for us? A regular salary, a few bad jokes and the occasional conversation of an evening.

horsetowater · 05/03/2014 19:48

That's my way of saying, yes, I do everything too. Always have done and can't be arsed now to change it. I really don't want to have to think about changing it any more it's exhausting.

AnnaLegovah · 05/03/2014 19:53

Agree with you horsetowater - it reaches the point that aside from the second income there's nothing a partner adds to life. Thats when something has to change. And its sad for it to comesl to that point.

Not sure I'm a fan of delegating something 100% either - if breakup/death were to happen to the other person would you really want (or even be able) to pick it up in those terrible circumstances? Far better for everyone to at least have a basic knowledge of how the household runs, at least in my book.

RandomMess · 05/03/2014 20:02

I delegated food shopping, meal planning and cooking to dh - we don't eat as healthly but it's fine.

He also notices the overflowing washing basket and puts loads on - he does nearly all emptying, hanging out & putting away/forcing dc to put away.

Uses the vaccuum cleaner.

Failings: the bathroom & cloakroom are firmly my domain Sad

I am now reading Wife Work the statistics are absolutely shocking and I realise that what dh does do it fair and not me being unreasonable/pig headed.