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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think people are selfish to not go to a wedding if it's adults only?

783 replies

Birdo83 · 02/03/2014 08:02

Just read another thread where several members said they would refuse to go to a wedding if their children weren't invited. Not for child care reasons but just cause they thought it wasn't right.

Space at weddings are limited what with both peoples friends and family. Are people really expecting some of the bride or grooms friends or family not to attend THEIR wedding so people's kids can take up all the seats? Our wedding was adults only because of course I wanted to prioritise my loved ones over other peoples children who, on the whole, don't mean so much to me. I'd have to have turned several of my closest friends if I'd let everyone bring all their children which I'd hate to do.

It's also worrying how many people can't seem to enjoy themselves without their kids. Ditto people who refuse to go to parties that our adults only. Very odd.

OP posts:

Yonineedaminute · 02/03/2014 11:02

Who is it that is inviting you guys to these 'boring' weddings (and hen dos for that matter) that are just such a burden to attend?

Because for the most part I have found myself invited to weddings because, you know, I am friends with the person and I have been excited to see two people I care about get married. My usual reaction to a wedding invitation is overwhelmingly positive!

Some of you sound so fucking joyless, I am surprised you actually get invited to any weddings in the first place!

FryOneFatManic · 02/03/2014 11:03

Not accepting an invite because your children are not invited could be just a cover for any number of reasons.... Reasons that you might not want to make public.

And maybe they were pushed into having to give a reason. OP doesn't give the impression that she'd accept a simple "sorry, we have to decline on this occasion" response, with nothing else added.

HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog · 02/03/2014 11:06

OP is going by what she's read on MN though.

Not by the reasons people have given her to a hypothetical wedding.

HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog · 02/03/2014 11:07

She hasn't said she's arranging a wedding anyway. Where did you get that from?

Original poster

Birdo83 · 02/03/2014 11:07

And maybe they were pushed into having to give a reason. OP doesn't give the impression that she'd accept a simple "sorry, we have to decline on this occasion" response, with nothing else added.

I just think it's polite and good manners to give an explanation if it's a close friend or family member. If I had to decline a friends wedding I'd explain why.

OP posts:

BillyBanter · 02/03/2014 11:09

It's up to the B&G whether they want or can have children at the wedding and it is up to the guests whether or not the want or can leave their children behind in order to attend.

Neither B&G nor guests should bother their arses to be offended at the others' choices.

Yonineedaminute · 02/03/2014 11:11

And obviously this is only my opinion, but:
Spending the day having drinks and a laugh and relaxing with people
Vs
Being on edge all day because I am worried my 2 year old is bored/hungry/going to run into the cake table, and not having more than 2 drinks because I don't want to be drunk in charge of a small child.

Hmm, tough choice.........

the childcare issue obviously not coming into this before anyone says btw

Gileswithachainsaw · 02/03/2014 11:13

Agreed yoni

I went away for a night for a friends wedding. Having a hotel room on my own and no kids or dp was bliss :o

LtEveDallas · 02/03/2014 11:13

It's not 'joyless' to not want to go somewhere without your children. It's an acceptable choice that some parents make. It's not right or wrong, and certainly not joyless.

No, the OP can't understand people declining the invite because their DC are not invited even when they are not family.

So what was with all the snarky comments? If she didn't understand, why not just ask "why do people decline childfree weddings?" Why be sarcastic and PA about it?

fluffyraggies · 02/03/2014 11:13

It seems to me that all the
'' proper friends wouldn't mind leaving their kids behind for my day '' people

wouldn't be particularly good friends with all the

'' proper friends would understand that i don't want to leave my kids behind '' people anyway -

so ... i think this is why its really ts mostly a MN issue!

HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog · 02/03/2014 11:17

LtEve because as usual on MN, people attack the OP from the off without reading the post properly. It's no wonder people get defensive.

Also I get the tone of the OP because I read the other thread.

It's bonkers.

LtEveDallas · 02/03/2014 11:18

I just think it's polite and good manners to give an explanation if it's a close friend or family member. If I had to decline a friends wedding I'd explain why

Actually etiquette states that you DONT do this. The correct way to decline an invite is a hand written card (although pre-printed cards can be purchased) that says words to the effect of:

"Mr and Mrs Dallas thank Mr and Mrs Smith for their kind invitation to the wedding of Sally and Jim on 1st June 2014, but regret that they are unfortunately unable to attend"

I've seen and sent many of them - including to senior royalty. If that is good enough for them, then it should be good enough for you

Yonineedaminute · 02/03/2014 11:21

The 'joyless' aspect of it was more referring to people being made to watch an attention seeking bride flouncing around in her frou frou dress, whilst having to force down warm champagne while secretly still frothing about the fact that you were asked for cash in the invite, all while keeping a fake smile plastered on your face for the day.

If you hate weddings so much then Just. Don't. Go. Stop bitching about it.

HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog · 02/03/2014 11:24

I just told DP about this thread.

He looked like this

He said 'why on earth would you want your kids around pissed strangers anyway?'

He has a point

Yonineedaminute · 02/03/2014 11:24

When I say 'you' I didn't mean specifically 'you' by the way LtEve I meant 'one'!

fluffyraggies · 02/03/2014 11:31

But really, this is likely to be more of a 'friends' than family issue isn't it? And even then a distant relative/friend, surely? i mean How many people here really have had the problem of being so out of kilter with the feelings of a really good friend/close relative that they've actually fallen out or been that deeply bothered over the issue of kids at a wedding?

Thurlow · 02/03/2014 11:35

I'd explain to friends. Why would you not 'Yes, we've been friends for fifteen years and this is one of the most important day of your life so far, but instead of explaining why I can't come to your wedding I'll just send a pre-printed card that says sorry, no, and leave you to wonder if I've suddenly decided I don't like you'...

Everyone's entitled to their own opinion re childfree weddings, seems quite a straightforward mix on this thread.

But sometimes attitudes on MN to basic politeness such as explaining to a friend why you can't attend a wedding or party or, to give some other recent opinions, not acknowledging a friend's child having surgery 'because why should I remember something like that? I'm busy', or thinking it's fine to not pay nieces and nephews any attention because you have your own child...

Just baffling.

FryOneFatManic · 02/03/2014 11:35

OP the politeness and good manners bit only relates to declining politely.

Reasons why are not part of that, as they well be very personal and the person may not be wanting to tell anyone why.

Yonineedaminute · 02/03/2014 11:37

I agree fluffyraggies. I thought people tended to invite people to their weddings because they like then and want to share the day with them. A lot of the weddings on here sound like people barely know the bride or groom at all and it's a total mission to go.

fluffyraggies · 02/03/2014 11:43

For eg: at our wedding 2 years ago although it was a small but posh 'do', but we happily had all the kids that needed to come because we knew all the guests would have struggled with childcare OR been a bit sad to have been asked to leave their kids behind. We know how they'd have felt to have been asked to leave their children behind, and we love them enough not want to make them feel bad.

Last year we were invited to an adults only wedding. Distant (childless) cousin of DHs wedding. On the invite it said no kids are allowed as everyone wanted to 'let their hair down'. We didn't go in the end for other reasons. If we'd had a baby, as we do now, we wouldn't have gone because we wouldn't have wanted to have left her for the sake of going to the trouble for people he never sees.

... also - i've been to one of these amazing 'let your hair down' child free receptions. They're no different to the ones with the kids running around! A middle of the road band, a few drunk uncles and some buffet food. Not as if everyone's shooting up the corners and having sex on the wedding cake table is it!?

ginbin54 · 02/03/2014 11:44

Just re-read my post. Godchildren not grandchildren!

Yonineedaminute · 02/03/2014 11:45

But fry if I was close enough to the bride and groom to be invited in the first place, surely they would be close enough to me to deserve an explanation of why I was declining the invitation?

My cousin got married in her home country over the Christmas holidays. I could have gone but was fairly heavily pregnant and it would have been expensive, plus Finding childcare for ds would have been a bit tricky. I could have just sent the RSVP card back sayin we were declining, that would have been polite enough. But I bought another card as well and wrote a little explanation in there of why we would not be attending - I thought seeing as she had been courteous enoug to invite us, we could be
Courteous enough to give a small explanation of why we wouldn't be there.

Littlegreyauditor · 02/03/2014 11:48

Ugh. The phrase "my special day" gives me the nyerks. Possibly because I have been on the receiving end of it, when it was used as a catch all to excuse behaviour which would have shamed a 2 year old in full on floor smacking tantrum.

The minute anyone says "on this, my special day " they are being very fecking unreasonable.

BillyBanter · 02/03/2014 11:49

Thing is if this is a close friend then you could have politely explained your invitation policy to them as easily as they could have explained their refusal policy to you.

Without knowing your invitation policy they may have been expecting their kids to be invited and then felt offended (rightly or wrongly) that their kids weren't invited.

Personally I don't think people should have a 'principle' that invitations should include children. But nor do I think you should have a principle that people should not be able to decline an invitation without giving excuses.

A wedding is important to the couple and although it's nice if family and friends can make it, it's not necessary for them to be there.

HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog · 02/03/2014 11:51

Not as if everyone's shooting up the corners and having sex on the wedding cake table is it!?

Depends on whatever floats your boat really doesn't it

I went to a 50th birthday party recently. I got offered crack when I went to the ladies

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