to think people are selfish to not go to a wedding if it's adults only?

[Birdo83]

Just read another thread where several members said they would refuse to go to a wedding if their children weren't invited. Not for child care reasons but just cause they thought it wasn't right.

Space at weddings are limited what with both peoples friends and family. Are people really expecting some of the bride or grooms friends or family not to attend THEIR wedding so people's kids can take up all the seats? Our wedding was adults only because of course I wanted to prioritise my loved ones over other peoples children who, on the whole, don't mean so much to me. I'd have to have turned several of my closest friends if I'd let everyone bring all their children which I'd hate to do.

It's also worrying how many people can't seem to enjoy themselves without their kids. Ditto people who refuse to go to parties that our adults only. Very odd.

The last wedding we went to cost somewhere in the region of £300 per head. It was ridiculously expensive and 'posh'. The B&G have extremely well paid jobs and had pushed to boat out for the wedding (including £15K on midnight fireworks )

There were about 20 kids there in amongst 100 or so guests, ranging from babies to 10 year olds. Yes there were kids on the dance floor, and kids sleeping across chairs at the end of the night but it was a bloody lovely wedding. The B&G even ordered knockerblockerglories (sp?) for the kids - you've never seen so many happy faces!

At the same time there was an Indian wedding going on in a marquee in the grounds - even more kids there and the party looked amazing (we politely gatecrashed to say congrats to the B&G, and they returned the favour).

Maybe I'm lucky in that I've never been to a wedding where kids have ruined it? I'm very glad of that.

I'm glad you get it too Janine

It's also NOT about people who decline because they can't get childcare/too expensive

I got it. Many haven't. It's about people who get offended that their children aren't invited.

I read the OP as a post about someone who didn't realise that people can decline invitations for any reason that they (the invitee) hold important. It is not only 'reasons approved by inviter' which matter.

Of course you can't invite everybody but if you've got close friends why on earth would you be bothered if their children are with them?

Because there's not always SPACE for all the children! Especially if you're in an area with few options and the venues tend to be smaller. A few of my friends now have five children, three families like that and that's 15 seats! If the bride and groom have a lot of friends then it's just more practical and nicer to make it adults only rather than picking and choosing which children can come or leaving out certain friends completely.

Love the idea that people have to have an "acceptable reason" for refusing to come to a wedding. OP, if someone says to you simply "No, sorry, I can't come" do you demand chapter and verse for their reasons?

I would be a bit miffed if a close friend sent such a cold and curt response. I would reply "Ah, that's a shame, how come you can't make it?"

Actually I find the whole tone of the OP and her subsequent posts quite shitty. Calling people 'selfish' for not attending a wedding? Passive aggressive postings about 'worrying' about people who cannot be separated from their children? Saying things like 'with friends like these who needs enemies'? Calling people 'bitter' and 'odd' and wanting "acceptable reasons" for non-attendance?

Sounds like a bride getting shitty to me.

LtEve, I agree - a pretty shitty attitude. Giving everyone 'advice' about how their future lives will be utterly miserable when their kids move out. Predictable comments like 'precious little darlings' and 'joined at the hip'.

I think you have a relevant point to your latest post LtEve

Money has a big part in it where the B&G are concerned.

If they can have a wedding, entertainment and food for all the children then I'm sure many people would invite more.

It's not the fault of the B&G that some venues/caterers etc add £££'s on to the bill as soon as you mention it's for a wedding.

It's the wedding industry.

Anyone who used childcare as an excuse wouldn't be a friend of mine but thankfully the ones who couldn't make it had acceptable reasons they couldn't make it.

And this is the biggest issue of the lot.

You can't just "politely decline" these days, people are so precious about their "special day" they are demanding reasons for not coming. Reasons that they are judging as to whether they are acceptable or not.

If you invite someone to a wedding, then accept with good grace if they decline. The reason behind that decision is, quite frankly, none of your business. It's not up to you to decide whether that reason is acceptable to you.

Sorry, post up thread LtEve

but OP was saying people were selfish to turn down the invite because they did not wish to go when DC's aren't invited,

they selfish and entitled to moan that DC's are not invited to the bride or either family,

however if it was very close family like your brother or sister not inviting a niece/nephew I think B&G would have to be a bit thick to realise that this may be hurtful, also to invite one child in a family and not the others would be the same

but if your Dc are cousins or more distant relatives or the invite is from colleague or a friend that does not know either DH/DP or DC then to expect invite is BVVU

however it is not selfish to politely decline any invitation without giving reasons and wishing the couple well and/ or buying them a gift

Anyone who used childcare as an excuse wouldn't be a friend of mine but thankfully the ones who couldn't make it had acceptable reasons they couldn't make it.

Well, that would be me then. Childcare would have been my excuse as I never had any. Not everyone has willing GPS/Families/Friends that can help.

And the last time I looked, weddings weren't three line whips that you had to attend, no matter what. They're a social occasion that can cost the invitees an awful lot of money these days. So you should be absolutely free to decline for whatever reason.

Dont forget what the friends/colleagues go through in the year leading up to the wedding:

• cooing admiringly over all the different wedding dress options and there will have been a lot of these
• fielding phone calls from bemused florists trying to find the right shade of pinky turquoise
• biting their lip over the different options of cash requesting poem to go in the invitation
• offering careful opinions over different chair swags

By the time the wedding actually comes along the friends will feel as though they have already lived it 100 times over!

In return they get a token invitation (poem included) to a childfree evening do. If they politely decline dont think worse of them they have already given more than you will ever know.

YANBU. The last wedding I attended you couldn't hear the vicar, the vows, readings etc due to a small child screaming. Did the parent(s) take the child outside so the couple could make their vows in peace? No, of course not.Why would you want to take your dc to an event when they will be bored silly? If you can get childcare, why would you not jump at the chance of a child-free shindig? Obviously if it's very close family you might want to take them we just had nieces/nephews & grandchildren at ours. Since we had children we have not been in the least offended if they are not included on the invitation. If we could get childcare fine, if not just one of us would attend, no big deal.

Fry, I agree these days some people are aggressive in wanting a reason why.

When my dd was 6 months old and really old friend of mine invited me and dh to a child free wedding in London (where we don't live) on a Friday. She stated in her invite that she was sending invited out early so no excuses for childcare issues!!
I live over a hundred miles from any family. Indeed my own do refused to do any babysitting until they were out of nappies but that's another story!)

As a solution, I accepted, dh declined and had to take a day off work (and use a days holiday) to look after dd.
The bride was pretty incredulous about it and virtually told me off for dh not being there. She just didn't get it.

Now she has 3 dcs of her own, she gets it.

I would be a bit miffed if a close friend sent such a cold and curt response. I would reply "Ah, that's a shame, how come you can't make it?"

Really? Might it occur to you that, if they haven't given reasons, that's because they are private? For instance, a serious illness in the family that they don't want to broadcast the details of?

Gah. Sorry for typos.

YABU. If people don't want to come to a wedding, for any reason at all, it's up to them. They don't have to come, any more than they have to come to a birthday party or a christening or any other celebration. Weddings generally involve a degree of inconvenience for the guests (travel, buying a new outfit, buying a wedding present). If on top of all that they're asked to leave their kids behind, they're quite entitled to think: "You know what? I'd rather stay at home."

Maybe the OP worded her posts wrong

But I got what she is trying to say.

Thats AIBU for you, people will pick apart your posts just to try and 'win' the argument.

It's fun on a boring sunday morning

I really don't get these vitriolic responses; folk not wanting to waste their day staring at the bride in a frou frou dress etc. - some jealousy issues here, methinks? not have the wedding you wanted, or no wedding at all for you? JUST DECLINE if you hate the idea so much. And as for the poster who thinks all those who had adult only weddings regret it later, my wedding was child free and fab. My sister's was child free, and although we had one year old twins and no family available to mind them, we managed. I was matron of honour.
In recent years I have been to weddings of young colleagues and several included young children. At one, a child dressed as a page boy (unofficial) didn't like his kilt so took it off and pranced up and down the aisle in his pants, screeching. At another, parents brought a couple of small children despite saying later that one was unwell. Said child vomited at the table. I also don't buy into the idea that small children running amok and poking at food adds anything to the couples day.

I ditched some friends over this. They invited us when I was preggers, then waited until we was a month old before telling us 'children' weren't invited. Two weeks before the actual wedding. Apparently they seriously expected us to leave a six week old, b/f baby, and feck off for the day -100 miles away! And he had kids so no excuse for not realising how impossible it was.

They actually had the cheek to moan about it when we said we couldn't come. Claimed the venue wasn't child friendly - as it was a vineyard. Don't know what havoc they thought a babe in arms would cause. Idiots.

Until DS was a month old, darn Kindle.

I had this edam, though not quite as bad.
I was invited as an evening guest when my dd was 1 week old (true she was 2 weeks overdue). I politely told them that I was just too sore and exhausted to attend. They were really surprised and I got the whole 'we thought you'd appreciate a night out' thing.

indigo18 -JUST DECLINE if you hate the idea so much.

But that's the issue. OP is only accepting people declining if she thinks their reason is good enough for her.

I have declined a wedding invite in the past. This was when DCs were small and DP and I had a rare day off at the same time. We didn't want to waste it and went off somewhere else.

Yes, we could have managed to arrange childcare, and DP and I would have gone without the DCs. But, as we rarely get time off together as a family, we decided that the wedding was not something we wanted to do. Card, present, good wishes, etc took care of that. DCs would have been okay at childcare, but DP and I wanted to enjoy some time together as a family.

As it is, fast forward a few years and we have another wedding coming up this summer. DP will not be able to get that day off work for several reasons, so this time it will be me plus our DCs who go. Each invite is weighed up against every other option taking place in our lives at that time.

But that's the issue. OP is only accepting people declining if she thinks their reason is good enough for her.

No, the OP can't understand people declining the invite because their DC are not invited even when they are not family.

There is a difference between the reasons you give.