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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think people are selfish to not go to a wedding if it's adults only?

783 replies

Birdo83 · 02/03/2014 08:02

Just read another thread where several members said they would refuse to go to a wedding if their children weren't invited. Not for child care reasons but just cause they thought it wasn't right.

Space at weddings are limited what with both peoples friends and family. Are people really expecting some of the bride or grooms friends or family not to attend THEIR wedding so people's kids can take up all the seats? Our wedding was adults only because of course I wanted to prioritise my loved ones over other peoples children who, on the whole, don't mean so much to me. I'd have to have turned several of my closest friends if I'd let everyone bring all their children which I'd hate to do.

It's also worrying how many people can't seem to enjoy themselves without their kids. Ditto people who refuse to go to parties that our adults only. Very odd. Confused

OP posts:
LtEveDallas · 02/03/2014 09:50

Well it is TimetoFly, if the Bride then gets shitty about her invitation being declined. If the bride is fine about it, then there is no problem.

Bride has the right to have a child free wedding. Guests have the right to decline. Everyone needs to accept everyone else's choice, rather than ranting about it in RL or behind their backs on MN.

HappyMummyOfOne · 02/03/2014 09:50

Gosh, I always thought a wedding invite was just that ... an invite not a summons Hmm

Sadly weddings do turn most brides into believing they can have everything theit own way as its their special day. In turn, it usually meams the guests will be put out in some way ie their partners or children cannot attend, they need to pay for a hotel and journey as its not local, some even specify a certain colour for outfits etc.

And to top it all off, a request is usually made that they would like guests to fund their honeymoon or recoup the costs of the wedding.

Yet its the guests that are entitled Hmm

I've declined several invites to weddings and parties and would again if they dont suit or its an evening only/cash request.

HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog · 02/03/2014 09:51

My cousin had a child free wedding when my DD was 2.We struggled to get childcare for the whole day. Her DGM could have her for the ceremony but had to work in the evening.

Both ex and I attended the ceremony, then he left to look after DD while I stayed with my family and had a good drink and a dance.

It was no issue at all.

pinkdelight · 02/03/2014 09:52

"A proper friend would be excited for their friends happiness"

You have a very limited definition of friendship. I can be excited for my friends over the whole course of their lives and supportive in many ways. Making it all about one day either for their marriage or about the friendship is daft. It's just a wedding. Some people don't like them but they're still 'proper friends'.

momb · 02/03/2014 09:52

I don't understand the wedding angst either tbh.
If I invite people to a party, I say if it's for families or for adults only and people reply on that basis. I don't get why weddings are any different.
When I was 22 we had a wedding with no children invited. It was a formal meal followed by drinks and dancing. There was lots of drinking, adult conversation, and posh frocks. Kids would have been bored. I didn't know many anyway.
This year I'm getting married again and we're inviting lots of children.

If people want a formal day to celebrate their marriage then they should be allowed to do so.

What I don't really understand is people who do want a formal grown up party and then invite children, who are forced to be 'on their best behaviour' for a whole exhausting day.
It would be unreasonable for the couple to invite people to a formal party and then get upset if people decline, but it isn't unreasonable for them to have a party and invite who they want to it in the first place.
OP YANBU. It's the equivalent of a child declining a soft play party invitation because you think they should have booked a magician instead.

WooWooOwl · 02/03/2014 09:52

This is something that very much works both ways.

If you want to be a decent host and have people around you that care about you when you get married, then you have to consider the needs of your guests.

If you're expecting people to travel and spend one or two nights away from home and to pay for it, then it is not very gracious if you make that difficult for them by excluding their children.

But guests have some responsibility here too. There are so many stories of people allowing their children to make noise through the vows or speeches and parents can be too selfish to take their children out, so it's no owner that some people want to keep children away from their wedding.

momb · 02/03/2014 09:53

Editing having reread the OP. YABU: it's not selfish per se to decline the invitation. It's just odd.

meditrina · 02/03/2014 09:55

"Some people expect the B&G to spend hundreds more on food and entertainment..."

I disagree. There is no need to spend hundreds on a family wedding, and there is not necessarily any expectation of lavishness.

If you are rich and want to spend a lot, that's fine; or if you want to spend beyond your means, then you are free to do so.

But if you see a wedding as an event uniting two families, not a glossy set-piece of consumption unrelated to your normal style of entertaining, then you just make sure at the outset that you can bung enough seats in the church hall (or wherever else suits your pocket and normal style of holding rite-of-passage parties).

HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog · 02/03/2014 10:01

It's not just people who are a part of those two uniting families that get their knickers in a twist, its friends too.

I'm in my 30's and DP in his 40's. Our friends and familyare around the same age as us. They all have 3-4 or maybe more children than that. Adults would most definitely be outnumbered.

It's my idea of hell tbh.

MistressDeeCee · 02/03/2014 10:03

Agree with Bluegrass re. inclusiveness

I wish people would just invite the children as well as the parents, and just leave it at that. Whats the biggest deal? Of course you can't invite everybody but if you've got close friends why on earth would you be bothered if their children are with them? For events such as weddings and christenings etc. I don't think I could find it in me to say 'you're invited but can you not bring your children'. Its not for me to think 'can't they have a child-free day'. Theyre parents, its up to them not anybody else. You can't dictate. Maybe they don't see having their DCs with them for a day as hassle, or aren't thinking 'great, a day without the DCs'.

Then again perhaps this is a new thing, or cultural. I love weddings that are like family celebrations. & I can't imagine a good friend would have said 'can you come to our wedding but your children aren't to come with you'.

I can understand some people won't but if you're going to pick & choose about separating families in terms of invites, then I think its fair to accept that some will pick and choose as to whether its feasible to attend, or not. Thats life. The main thing is getting married, isn't it.

nennypops · 02/03/2014 10:03

Love the idea that people have to have an "acceptable reason" for refusing to come to a wedding. OP, if someone says to you simply "No, sorry, I can't come" do you demand chapter and verse for their reasons?

JanineStHubbins · 02/03/2014 10:03

YANBU OP.

If people can't go for childcare reasons, then fair enough.

If people refuse the wedding invitation out of pique because their precious little darlings haven't been invited, that's a bit worrying. I feel quite sorry for people who lose their sense of identity as an individual and as a couple to that extent.

SapphireMoon · 02/03/2014 10:07

It's not child free weddings I object to but ones that have some children and not others.
You find out where you stand in the pecking order of things and can be hurtful.
Generally best to swallow hurt and behave well as a guest but that does not mean you necessarily go to the wedding...

Timetofly · 02/03/2014 10:07

I have never had anyone get "shitty" at me just because I've sent them a note saying "What a shame, we won't be able to come to your wedding because we're not free on that day. Hope you have a fantastic time, we'll be thinking of you. Look forward to catching up and hearing all about it!".
However, if I got involved in phone calls to double check whether my children were really, honestly, truly not invited. And then regaled the happy couple about why I can't come because my mother's sister's daughter who normally babysits can't... I would fully expect them to feel, if not actually get, "shitty". Grin Grin

HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog · 02/03/2014 10:08

Why should someone also change the venue just to have your children there, just because you don't think its right they are not invite?

There are very few nice places to hold a wedding/party in my local area. Plenty of run down community community centres with graffiti on the walls though.

Would it get your approval to have my wedding in that community hall just so you could bring your children, just because you thought they were entitled to be there and you were not close family?

HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog · 02/03/2014 10:08

Hate this bloody phone - typos all over the place Blush

Timetofly · 02/03/2014 10:10

Sapphiremoon - how would you know what children have been invited in order to decide whether to accept or decline accordingly. Don't you just look in the diary, and then send a response accordingly? Of course it's likely that some children will be invited and not others - it's a wedding not a children's party. Why do guests need to understand who has been invited and why? The invited children might be family, or closer family, or better known to the bride and groom... nothing to get upset or offended about.

cory · 02/03/2014 10:12

When we invited our friends to our wedding, some of them accepted the invitation, some declined. Because it wasn't convenient, or they had something else on or (in many cases) because they couldn't afford the travel.

I didn't realise that meant they could not be happy in our happiness. I just assumed that as we had the choice of the kind of party on offer, they had the choice of whether to attend or not. We had a very happy day, not stressing about the significance of every single little decision attending it.

Also don't quite understand the need for friends to "support" you on your wedding day. Why "support"? Is it a sad and worrying occasion? (and if so, why are you getting married).

When I got married, I was happy, I was in a good mood, I felt it was a pleasant start to a promising life. I have seldom felt less in need of support. Being surrounded by people having a good time was just enough for me. Support is something I have needed for the difficult and stressful times in life: illness, bereavement, job loss. If I had felt getting hitched to dh was one of them- there would have been an obvious alternative.

SapphireMoon · 02/03/2014 10:13

Cos families talk! [Well mine does..].
Feelings do come into weddings and guests can decide accordingly if they want to attend or not when realise where stand in pecking order..
If hurt by realisation of inferior status compared to others best politely decline... or.. swallow pride and attend...

TheRaniOfYawn · 02/03/2014 10:14

I think that you are underestimating the difficulty that some people have in finding childcare. If you have family nearby who want to spend time with your children then not only do you get free childcare but you also have the opportunity for those children to get used to spending time with other caregivers.

If, on the other hand, leaving the house without your children costs you a minimum of £30 each time you do it, you tend not to bother so your children are generally a lot older before you can leave them.

It's not about being previous but about not wanting to spend hundreds of pounds on the of chamber that you might get invited to a child free wedding.

TheRaniOfYawn · 02/03/2014 10:14

precious not previous.

StanleyLambchop · 02/03/2014 10:15

Would it get your approval to have my wedding in that community hall just so you could bring your children, just because you thought they were entitled to be there and you were not close family?

No, but by the same token I would not expect you to rant on about how bad a friend I were if I declined, and start judging our friendship on the basis of the acceptability of my reason. Especially, as you say, I was not close family. Attendance of a wedding is still optional I take it?

Only1scoop · 02/03/2014 10:15

'Pecking orders' blimey....should invitations now be sent out with a number of where your children come to save having to discuss it....

HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog · 02/03/2014 10:18

This thread isn't about the bride getting shitty though is it?

It's about the parents getting shitty just because the DC are not invited. It's not about childcare issues, distance or money.

If this were about the OP getting shitty because the guests declined on the basis of all those things, then she would BU.

But it's not about that.

I repeat, it's not about that Grin

JanineStHubbins · 02/03/2014 10:19

It's also NOT about people who decline because they can't get childcare/too expensive