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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think people are selfish to not go to a wedding if it's adults only?

783 replies

Birdo83 · 02/03/2014 08:02

Just read another thread where several members said they would refuse to go to a wedding if their children weren't invited. Not for child care reasons but just cause they thought it wasn't right.

Space at weddings are limited what with both peoples friends and family. Are people really expecting some of the bride or grooms friends or family not to attend THEIR wedding so people's kids can take up all the seats? Our wedding was adults only because of course I wanted to prioritise my loved ones over other peoples children who, on the whole, don't mean so much to me. I'd have to have turned several of my closest friends if I'd let everyone bring all their children which I'd hate to do.

It's also worrying how many people can't seem to enjoy themselves without their kids. Ditto people who refuse to go to parties that our adults only. Very odd. Confused

OP posts:
HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog · 02/03/2014 18:40

Ah I see Blush

Brew for you merry.

JadedAngel · 02/03/2014 18:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

truelymadlysleepy · 02/03/2014 18:44

ah, I see Jaded. It's not rude unless it's last minute. A bit sad maybe if they would've liked to go but have no childcare. I suppose if you invite a couple with DC to an adult only event you know it's a gamble, but no different to any other party.

Grennie · 02/03/2014 18:45

Of course you will have met close friend's children. Doesn't mean you spend any real time with them.

HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog · 02/03/2014 18:48

Jaded - many reasons really.

I've already used the work friends example but I also have friends who live in another city who I don't actually see that much but speak all the time on the phone or email etc.

Also I go out for drinks on a weekend with them at least once or twice a month because of work, I don't get to see them.

If we do have a day off, we will meet up but the kids are in school.

We occasionally meet up with all the dc in tow during the summer for picnics, but I also have a big family with plenty of nieces and nephews.

It can be quite exhausting fitting it all in. So we meet up when it's convenient for us as adults, usually without the children.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 02/03/2014 18:49

JadedAngel or perhaps some people just dont like parties and dont enjoy them. Not everybody does. Yes, perhaps they should just suck it up and attend but as a host would you really want your party to be a kind of martyrdom to your friend?

Not all friendships are the same.

expatinscotland · 02/03/2014 18:51

What people need to understand is that, other than possibly your immediate family, NO ONE FUCKING CARES that you are getting married.

Only1scoop · 02/03/2014 19:02

Worry....in your previous post you certainly sound like you reached the very heights of 'martyrdom' whilst you 'did your bit' and without rolling your eyes....

HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog · 02/03/2014 19:02

I think you've seen too many of these threads expat? Grin

expatinscotland · 02/03/2014 19:07

People take it all too seriously. Oh, we did this, we did that.

So you don't invite kids and some people don't want to go without theirs. Meh.

Horses for courses. Get married and live on.

JadedAngel · 02/03/2014 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 02/03/2014 19:09

Only1scoop I deserved a bloody medal considering this wasnt a friend just someone I sat next to at work!

SauvignonBlanche · 02/03/2014 19:11

How is it rude to politely decline?

Only1scoop · 02/03/2014 19:11

Why did you go? Grin

perfectstorm · 02/03/2014 19:14

I don't mean this horribly but... it's only a wedding. I don't get why people on both sides get so agitated. It's lovely to have friends and family celebrate with you, but only the closest really matter. It's lovely to see people you care for make a commitment, but it's rare your presence is that big a deal to them and realistically you have to consider your own primary responsibilities, too.

I just feel that people can make too much of it all, really. It's just one day, albeit an expensive and emotional one.

Topseyt · 02/03/2014 19:14

Their wedding, their rules. In a few years time when maybe they have children of their own (or not, as the case may be) they may well feel differently about the decision they made and understand better why some people were forced to decline on that basis.

Until then though, you either accept or decline the invite because you just cannot dictate to another couple how they should go about organising their OWN wedding day.

I once came close to declining one such invitation due to childcare issues because it was adults only and I have no easy access to babysitters. I was fortunate, and a very good and trusted friend of my MIL, who I always got on with very well, suddenly offered to step up to the plate. If that hadn't happened, I would not have been able to go.

JadedAngel · 02/03/2014 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog · 02/03/2014 19:24

Jaded - I think the OP meant the bitching about the child free invite and not going out of spite was rude.

Not the actual declining of the invite for reasons you or other people stated.

That's the way I've read it anyway. I still agree with that.

If someone doesn't want to go without the DC and the B&G withdrew their friendship out of spite, that is rude too.

It's all about how gracious and dignified people are.

There are bridezillas & mumzillas

It's a scary world out there Hmm

HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog · 02/03/2014 19:25

Emoticon fail

JadedAngel · 02/03/2014 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dannydyerismydad · 02/03/2014 19:32

We had a child free wedding on a Friday. None of our guests are Mumsnetters, surely, as no one complained and everybody came.

Our venue had massive doors that opened straight onto the river - not at all practical for tiny ones and the reception was mostly sitting round eating which would have bored little people silly. If anyone had been unable to make it, I would have been fine with it. I invite, they accept or decline. Easy.

Since having DS, we have been to a wedding where children were invited. It was bloody hard work keeping an 18 month old quiet during the ceremony and speeches and trying to keep him settled during the meal. DH and I barely saw each other as we were taking it in turns to keep the boy entertained and out of mischief. Given the choice, I'd happily choose to be child free for future weddings.

It's probably easier if you're a family guest rather than a friend guest as there will be lots of aunties and grandparents to make a fuss of little ones, but attending as a friend with kids in tow is hard work!

CalamitouslyWrong · 02/03/2014 19:36

Unfortunately, the OP doesn't sound like she's acquainted with the concept of gracious. She's all 'it's my big day and how dare you not to want to come for any reason'. As a said before, she comes across as extremely hard work. It appears that that she thinks the people who made the cut should be so honoured that she wants them there that they would do anything she asked.

The fact is, it isn't rude to not want to attend all day adult-only events if you'd rather spend the time with your family. It is only a wedding (you know, a party to celebrate two people getting married). The getting married is the important bit, but crucially it's really only all that important to the couple getting married (and possibly their parents).

And however much thought people have put in to their weddings, they're pretty generic events where the bride and groom are mostly busy doing stuff all day so you hang around making small talk with acquaintances or complete strangers. You might get a few minutes of polite chit chat with the bride or groom but very often you are just a face in the crowd. It might be the most important thing happening to the bride and groom that summer, but it's just another wedding to most other people.

Most people would just decline with a 'Sorry we can't make it. Hope you have a lovely day'. It would be unusual to explain your 'principled' refusal to attend in a response card.

Topseyt · 02/03/2014 19:38

Jaded, I fully agree with what you say there too. Smile

When I had very young children I did sometimes like to go out without them, if I could get childcare, which was only once in a blue moon anyway. On many occasions I couldn't go to things because I had no babysitter. I'm a home buddy, so it rarely bothered me that much. It was only for this one wedding, because I really wanted to go but initially had no way around the problem. If necessary hubby could have gone on his own (it was a cousin of his), but the problem resolved itself.

Some wedding venues are not too child friendly. This was at a gentlemen's club in Mayfair, and children were not permitted by the management there.

As for people being asked to give good reasons for declining, that is just ridiculous. Some things are just none of anyone else's business, wedding invite or not.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 02/03/2014 20:06

Only1scoop - I didnt, unfortunately I was on holiday so I couldnt go. I did my bit before and after the event!

legoplayingmumsunite · 02/03/2014 20:20

Childcare can be hard to arrange for a weekend. I have no family close by so if I was invited to a wedding without the kids we wouldn't be able to go. Who would look after 3 small children that weren't their own? Is it fair on small children to be dumped on someone they don't know well? DH and I have only had 1 night away together from the DDs, and that was the night DS was born. Not through any great principle, we just don't have anyone who can babysit for us. We've both had nights away ourselves.

Priorities change as well as you get older. So I will admit I wanted a child free wedding when I was a 20something who had no intention of having children at all. Thankfully my Mum was more sensible and insisted we invite the children of important guests who wouldn't have been able to come if we'd been a childfree wedding. If I was organising a large event now it would be during the day and child friendly. I'm sure in my 60s I'll be less interested in making events child friendly (although hopefully I'll be wise enough to insist on excluding them).