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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think people are selfish to not go to a wedding if it's adults only?

783 replies

Birdo83 · 02/03/2014 08:02

Just read another thread where several members said they would refuse to go to a wedding if their children weren't invited. Not for child care reasons but just cause they thought it wasn't right.

Space at weddings are limited what with both peoples friends and family. Are people really expecting some of the bride or grooms friends or family not to attend THEIR wedding so people's kids can take up all the seats? Our wedding was adults only because of course I wanted to prioritise my loved ones over other peoples children who, on the whole, don't mean so much to me. I'd have to have turned several of my closest friends if I'd let everyone bring all their children which I'd hate to do.

It's also worrying how many people can't seem to enjoy themselves without their kids. Ditto people who refuse to go to parties that our adults only. Very odd. Confused

OP posts:
JanineStHubbins · 02/03/2014 13:49

but if you choose not to invite people's kids you shouldn't be surprised when they turn your invite down.

Nobody's disputing that. But it's a little odd (kindest word I can think of) to be so wrapped up in your children that you can't bear to attend an event without them.

Grennie · 02/03/2014 13:52

I honestly wouldn't bother being friends with someone who would never attend an event without their children. Life is too short.

hackmum · 02/03/2014 13:54

LtEveDallas: "I don't attend things except as 'family' but don't get huffy if that means I can't go.

Other peoples kids don't tend to bother me, but then I've never been anywhere that other people kids (or my own) ruined something."

Me neither. I know people like to go on about how badly behaved children are today, how spoilt, how their parents let them run around etc, and I do know some kids like that, but most children I know are well-behaved. I find it quite sad when people just assume that children will ruin a wedding.

Also people seem to forget a wedding is a big time commitment, and not everyone has cheap or free childcare to hand. I haven't been invited to a wedding for years, but it would have been very difficult to find someone who could have looked after DD for an entire Saturday, let alone a Friday night as well if we'd had to travel up the night before.

LtEveDallas · 02/03/2014 13:57

Does that go for everything, LtEve? Any parties/get-togethers/meals/other social occasions that friends have organised?

Janine, pretty much, yes.

I would go to something with my friends if it was during the day and DD was at school - we lunch together quite often.

I went to my colleagues wedding on a weekday lunchtime for that reason, and DH and DD were invited to her uncles house for a party afterwards.

I don't go to evening events unless I can count on a family memeber for childcare, and as we live 1 hr 30 mins from closest family, that doesn't happen often, maybe twice a year.

I wouldn't go to an all day and overnight wedding away from home unless DD was also invited.

That's my choice and I've never been huffy about a choice of my own making (see my post above about the housewarming BBQ) and none of my friends or family have given me any grief for making that choice.

Next weekend we are going to a wedding anniversary dinner involving 30 people. DD is also going, we will have a good time, DD will behave herself and all is good with the world Smile

DD wants to be with us, she'll be a teen soon enough and desperate to get away. I'm enjoying what little time I have with her Grin

XiCi · 02/03/2014 13:58

I can't understand why anyone would possibly imagine their children would be invited to a wedding unless the wedding was a close family member. I just don't get it. Do these people's kids come with them to meals out with friends? Nights out at the pub? 21sts, 30ths, 40th celebrations? Im sure some people just imagine everyone will want to be in the company of their wonderful wonderful enchanting children just blind to the fact that they are annoying everyone as many of the stories on here testify to.

Also, to say you don't go anywhere except as a family to me is incredibly sad, like you don't exist as a person in your own right. It would surely mean no hobbies, no friends, no weekends away etc. I find that very odd.

XiCi · 02/03/2014 14:02

And it makes little difference whether the children are well behaved or not. If I'm out for a social occasion with adults I want to have adult conversation, not have to censor discussions because there's a child sat with us. It changes the whole dynamic of the situation.

purplebaubles · 02/03/2014 14:03

One of the reasons that my MIL doesn't speak to me is because we had a 'no child' wedding. She actually said to my face that she thought I was 'beyond rude' and that weddings (in her opinion) were all about family and all about children. On the actual day, she scowled at our friends, who she saw as being there and taking the places of relatives children! (there's a whole other story about her atrocious behaviour on that day, but I think a lot of it stemmed from some of her 'child' relatives not being there!)

Personally, I think a wedding should be exactly what the bride and groom want.

If it doesn't fit in with your beliefs, just don't go. But don't bitch about it!

I love child free weddings. Great opportunity to chat to other adults and feel like a human being again! Grin

Caitlin17 · 02/03/2014 14:03

XiCi I agree the subsuming of your self in to a family" is odd. It frequently comes across here as some sort of badge of honour-"I'm such a committed, caring parent, I only do family events"

JadedAngel · 02/03/2014 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 02/03/2014 14:06

To me a wedding is a different sort of event though to other sorts of evening celebrations, such as a night out with friends (or colleagues) XiCi
I guess I just don't quite get the current fashion for formal, evening, child-free weddings.
I think I just have more of an image of a marquee in the garden in the afternoon, with a fair smattering of children playing in the vicinity.
But I guess it depends what style of do you're going for.
Maybe partly because I've always worked with children to me it wouldn't be quite the same without them.

HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog · 02/03/2014 14:12

So the B&G should elope or have a smaller wedding because one or two people might get 'hump' (as my DGM would say) if their children weren't invited?

That is why most people elope or want a smaller wedding.

It's because of some entitled guests.

splasheeny · 02/03/2014 14:14

Is this a thread about my thread?

Do you what you like with your own wedding, but you need to accept if you dont invite children some people would not be able to come. Same as if it was on a weekday, or in a difficult location.

The more wedding threads I read, the more I think a cheap job in a church hall or similar is the most enjoyable for guests. Our venue was cheap as chips, but in an easy location, and meant we could invite who we wanted (including children) and have loads of booze for them, but each to their own.

nennypops · 02/03/2014 14:16

No, the OP can't understand people declining the invite because their DC are not invited even when they are not family.

In fact the OP is saying that people who do that are selfish. Which is really going too far. People are perfectly entitled to decline for this reason, and it doesn't make them selfish.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 02/03/2014 14:17

It's the offence that people take when their kids aren't invited that I just don't get (and the point of this thread). Kids aren't always included in everything in life.

Family time is precious to me too but I can function for a day without my DS (even if I miss him terribly). Do adults cease to function without their children? I don't have childcare local to me either but surely a day spent just as a couple for a change is a good thing?

WorrySighWorrySigh · 02/03/2014 14:22

Do adults cease to function without their children?

No of course not. But many people had children because they wanted errr.. children.

In a contest between sitting at home watching Criminal Minds box sets with my DD and going to a wedding I will be found on the sofa at home.

I work full time, time with my DCs is precious.

YouAreTalkingRubbish · 02/03/2014 14:26

HotDoggittyDog
. Now if the B&G and excluded their own children from the wedding, seeing as it's about the union, then that is outrageous by most peoples standards.

Lol, we didn't invite our own son and had a fantastic kid free wedding Grin He was 18 months old and much happier at his childminders. We had a small family wedding followed by a very long drunken lunch at a posh restaurant. I hope I haven't scared him for life. I wouldn't change a thing about our wedding and not having our son there does not make my wedding any less of a 'union' Confused

JanineStHubbins · 02/03/2014 14:26

What about friendship, WorrySigh? Do you think you're modelling a good attitude towards adult friendship to your DD, if you'd rather loll at home watching boxsets than support a friend on his/her wedding day?

If one of my friends had that attitude and thought so little of me, I'd be ending the friendship pronto.

Gileswithachainsaw · 02/03/2014 14:27

So why is your need to watch box sets bigger than spending ONE day with your friend for her wedding?

It's one day and that's your friend.

bodybooboo · 02/03/2014 14:28

oh goody another wedding thread.

Jins · 02/03/2014 14:32

We had a child free wedding, don't regret it, wouldn't have done it any other way even with the benefit of having had children hindsight.

Having said that we got married abroad with just the two of us there and the party afterwards was just that - a party!

If we'd succumbed to the pressure to cancel our plans and have a full day white wedding job with sit down meal and speeches we wouldn't have enjoyed it.

We weren't bothered if people declined for child care reasons as long as they did it quickly enough to let us ask others without them realising they were on the second wave of invitations.

HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog · 02/03/2014 14:34

This thread is in response to posters on another thread calling the B&G selfish because they choose not to have an unlimited amount of children at their wedding.

And yes splasheeny I think it is your thread that inspired this one. Not because of your individual situation, but because the opinions of the posters on there.

HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog · 02/03/2014 14:36

YouAreTalkingRubbish I'm not judging Smile

But you do realize you are going to be called a terrible parent don't you?

Get your steel knickers on Grin

Caitlin17 · 02/03/2014 14:39

worrysigh that's the sort of "badge of honour" comment I was referring to.

You can't have friends or do things with your friends because you have children?

Only1scoop · 02/03/2014 14:42

I don't actually think some of these posters have friends.

Think they may be an unnecessary commodity now they have very dc Grin

LtEveDallas · 02/03/2014 14:46

Also, to say you don't go anywhere except as a family to me is incredibly sad, like you don't exist as a person in your own right. It would surely mean no hobbies, no friends, no weekends away etc. I find that very odd

I know I exist as a person in my own right. I work full time, I have to do duties and exercises and deployments to operational areas - my time with DD is very precious and condsidering that both of us almost lost our lives trying to have her, I make the very most of every minute.

I suppose my 'hobby' is animal welfare and I spend 2 nights a week volunteering at the kennels, sometimes DD comes with me, sometimes she stays with DH. I have lots of friends, some from work, some from pervious postings, some from my home town. I get to see them all and enjoy their company. We have a caravan on the coast where we spend our weekends away, we have friends down there and much fun is had sitting outside, having a brew chatting whilst the kids are playing in the park.

I don't need anything else. My life isn't lacking in that way.