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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder whether it is ever acceptable to shout and swear at your partner?

152 replies

snowycakes · 01/03/2014 14:10

Genuine question. I have only been in one (10 year) relationship so want some outside perspective and am not just looking for validation!

When DP gets annoyed about things he tends to shout and swear at me, although I have told him I don't find it acceptable, and he knows it really upsets me. However, he says that I provoke him to do it and that it's a natural reaction to being wound up. I really don't like it, but is it just a part of being a couple that I should accept if I do/say something that annoys him?

I obviously do things that he doesn't like as well, and am far from being perfect.

This sounds really petty (and long sorry!), but as an example: this morning DP was really hungry by about 11am (he hadn't had breakfast) and suggested going to get takeaway pizza for lunch before he had to go to work at 2. I agreed but said that it was a bit early for lunch - and the pizza place wasn't even open at that point. The house has been a tip all week (both of our stuff) so I wanted us to do a bit of tidying up before we went. He watched TV most of the morning and then at 12 said he was going for lunch with or without me - I said I wanted to finish the tidying up I was doing for 5 minutes and then I'd be ready. He got really stroppy and started ranting about how tidying up ruined his day, there's no point in doing it as things only get messy again, he was really hungry, and he would have to rush his lunch before work, etc. So I got in the car to go with him, and asked him why he was acting like a stroppy teenager (which obviously wound him up) about having to tidy up and the fact that he hadn't had lunch before midday! He started raising his voice and ranting for ages. In between the ranting I asked him to stop shouting and swearing at me and asked why he was acting like this. He then ranted about how he wasn't shouting etc. I said that he was (he was raising his voice aggressively), and asked him to stop. He then got really angry and started properly roaring at me, swearing, saying stuff like, "Do you want a f slap?" "THIS is shouting, I didn't make you cry before so I can't have been shouting!" After he had calmed down he stuck by what he did, and said that it was my fault and I deserved it as I had wound him up, and if I had provoked anyone else like that I would have got punched.

Obviously I'm not perfect (and wasn't blameless this morning) and do things that he doesn't like or that annoy him, but I still don't think it's acceptable to have to be shouted/sworn at - however annoying you are! Am I just being hyper-sensitive? My Dad did it a lot when I was younger, to me and (less often) my Mum.

So I think what I really want to know is, is shouting and swearing something that happens in all couples when the man (or the woman) gets annoyed - or is it something that shouldn't be put up with?

OP posts:
justmyview · 02/03/2014 19:10

I've been with DH 10 years. Neither of us are perfect all the time, but we've never shouted at each other, or sworn at each other, or threatened violence. If he doesn't like what I've done, he'll say so. If I think it's a fair criticism, I'll apologise. If I think it's unfair, I'll say why. This works for us.

I know other people are more volatile. Maybe it works for them. My Mum has a fierce temper and shouted at us and my Dad. As a child, I hated it. I'd never go back to living like that. It was definitely a factor when choosing a partner

justmyview · 02/03/2014 19:18

Suggest you read Lundy Bancroft's book "Why does he do that?"

YoyoItsYoyoTheYoyoYo · 02/03/2014 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Lweji · 02/03/2014 19:51

At the risk of being repetitive, this is a case of whether the OP does want a fucking slap or not.
If she stays, she will probably get one. Almost the same as saying yes to the question.
If she leaves, her answer is no.

Backinthering · 02/03/2014 19:56

Yoyo repeatedly calling the OP a twat is out of order.

YoYoItsYoyoTheYoyoYo · 02/03/2014 21:19

It is immensely out of order to say "do you want a slap", and that is the crowning achievement of the OP's DP that puts them beyond defense.

On the other hand, which for balance is also in vehement agreement with the OP:

I think it's incredibly reasonable to mess around rearranging scatter cushions when someone wants to get some food before work.

I also think it's only natural to scold a hungry person if they are cross about this.

I also think they should politely thank you and then go to work - preferably having missed the meal entirely.

perfectstorm · 02/03/2014 21:24

Welcome to Mumsnet, Yoyo. Your posts today have certainly been... thought-provoking.

Lweji · 02/03/2014 21:24

Yes, because he is a child who must be fed by someone else. He was denied breakfast and helped a lot tidying up so that they could hurry out.

Lweji · 02/03/2014 21:25

It's the slap and it's also this jewel
if I had provoked anyone else like that I would have got punched.

perfectstorm · 02/03/2014 21:26

And to ensure people understand how fair and accurate a representation of events you offer, here is what the OP actually said:

this morning DP was really hungry by about 11am (he hadn't had breakfast) and suggested going to get takeaway pizza for lunch before he had to go to work at 2. I agreed but said that it was a bit early for lunch - and the pizza place wasn't even open at that point. The house has been a tip all week (both of our stuff) so I wanted us to do a bit of tidying up before we went. He watched TV most of the morning and then at 12 said he was going for lunch with or without me - I said I wanted to finish the tidying up I was doing for 5 minutes and then I'd be ready.

YouAreTalkingRubbish · 02/03/2014 23:13

OP imagine you have kids with this man, now imagine what they will think if they see there Dad behaving like this to their Mum. Do you think you will be able to provide a happy safe home for them? You can choose to live with whoever you want and you can choose to 'lower your sights'. I don't think its fair to compromise on behalf of your children.

theimposter · 02/03/2014 23:42

My DP can be like this. A right arse when he is hungry. We have a word for it which is 'Hangry'. I can also understand his frustration with being stuck inside tidying when he wants to go out and it riles me that it takes over a lot of our weekends. Life is too short. The slap thing is unacceptable though.

Lweji · 02/03/2014 23:58

It was his choice not to eat anything.
As it was to watch tv instead of cleaning up as well and speeding up things.
It is also his choice to try and make the OP responsible for his abusive behaviour.

Seriously, because he was stuck inside?

Urbanvoltaire · 03/03/2014 01:01

OP does he get angry with other people (colleagues at his work, family, friends)? It sounds like you're the emotional punchbag for him through no choice.

Does he realise after (he's had his lunch) how upsetting it is for you? I'd have abstained from pizza and stayed in car to create some breathing space. Does he apologise after?

Perhaps some anger management for him and couple counselling might help you both. I say this especially if you're thinking in having a family with him.

I hope you get some positives from this thread & find a way through the all the emotions.

Wishing you well.

perfectstorm · 03/03/2014 01:22

When he first wanted to go, the place wasn't even open. So OP tidied up for a while while he sat on his entitled arse and did sod all to help clear up their mutually created mess, in favour of watching telly. Then he wanted to go and she asked him to wait another 5 mins so she could complete her work of clearing up the shithole he'd helped create which would have given him 2 hours to get a takeaway pizza from round the corner.

Apparently, this behaviour on her part earned shouting so nasty it reduced her to tears, threats of violence, and then when it had all calmed down the information that any other, less delightful man would have punched her.

Not sure how anyone is arguing that as reasonable, tbh. Everyone argues and everyone is sometimes an arse, but the levels of rage and aggression and threats over his own trivial idiocy is, IMO, on another level.

Lweji · 03/03/2014 01:23

Couple's counselling is not recommended for abusers.

Sillylass79 · 03/03/2014 01:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 03/03/2014 01:28

Urban, I don't know what experience you have of this, but that is the type of thinking that keeps women in abusive relationships and to end up enduring physical violence.

He is not for the OP to control or to change. Just avoid. And certainly not to think of having children with him.

bochead · 03/03/2014 03:13

I'm a grump when I'm hungry, esp if I start to feel light headed. But you know what it's so simple to make a peace of toast while I wait for faffing around from others to stop so I can go get a decent meal. I usually tend to have a snack of some sort in my bag too. Low blood sugar is NOT an excuse for a grown man too lazy to make himself brekkie or a mid-morning snack.

As an adult you have to take ownership of your own actions.

Threatening you with violence as a result of your no-compliance with his wishes is just wrong on so many levels. It's controlling.

Guess what? You too are responsible for your own actions, and those actions can include walking away. I would have asked him to stop the car, got out and gone home to make and eat lunch at home alone. No whining, no nagging - just a simple "threatening me with violence is crossing a line that I find totally unacceptable"

After that statement you do not have to discuss the matter any further. In a few days time you can tell him that if he EVER does that again then you will consider that he is choosing to permanently end the relationship, and mean it!

In future, you've already learnt the hard way nagging does not work. Either he wants to respond to your requests for help or he doesn't. Ask once, then leave it. Monitor how often he helps out, and whether it is with sufficient frequency for you to say "yeah OK I'm happy with this". If it isn't leave him.

I may sound like I'm being hard, but sadly abusive behavior often escalates rapidly and dramatically into domestic violence once a woman is pregnant, or has a baby. That's not my opinion, it's so statistically significant that all midwives and HV's are now trained to keep an eye out for it.

22Vanessa22 · 03/02/2018 20:03

I know I'm 4yrs to late on this thread; but I too have a bawling shouting swearing man, been like this off and on ever since I met him 28 yrs ago! He's not changed in all that time, then the silent treatment follows suit, could be days, weeks, months, right now it's been 2mnths, and no sign of any let up, it's very tiring to say the.least, what do you do.with a man like that, don't hold back ladies.

ChasedByBees · 03/02/2018 20:12

You can’t make him change, only he can choose to change and he’s clearly not planning to.

Asking if you want a slap is abusive, it’s more than shouting. And to say that someone can provoke someone else into slapping them - no. Everyone is responsible for their own reactions. He is responsible for how he behaves.

If you think his will improve if you have children when you’ve both had three hours sleep every night for the last four weeks, think again.

ChasedByBees · 03/02/2018 20:13

Oh FFS. Don’t knowingly post on threads four years old, the OP won’t read it.

Lethaldrizzle · 03/02/2018 20:16

I often threaten to hit my dh when I am hungry, Don't we All? Noooooo! He sounds like a gargantuan penis

harshbuttrue1980 · 03/02/2018 20:22

As most others have said, talking about slapping you is not OK.
However, you sound like a pain in the arse. If he's working on a day when you're not working, why can't the tidying up be done by you when he's at work? Surely the person who is working gets to relax before work.

Also, just as you don't have to jump out of your chair to get a takeaway the minute he wants one, neither does he have to jump out of his chair to start tidying up the minute you want to. You both sound controlling - but any talk of physical violence is never acceptable.

Idontdowindows · 03/02/2018 20:24

But maybe, just maybe, he was not coping with low sugar levels, was anxious about getting to work, was irritated that tidying up had the temerity to continue once he was ready to go.

Funny how quick people are to excuse those poor, sad, stressed men's violent streaks eh.

OP, your husband is an abusive piece of work who needs an anger management course pronto.