To think that if you host a party for yourself you should provide food and drink

[housebox]

One of my friends is having a birthday party for herself at her house. She has invited people but asked everyone to bring a dish and given out a list of things they need for people to tick off. This encompasses everything you might have at a buffet plus alcoholic/non alcoholic drinks to I assume that this means she is not providing anything!

There is nothing saying that we are not to bring gifts either so she is clearly expecting pressies too.

Said friend and her husband are fairly well off so well able to afford to cater for the small group that have been invited.

I understand that if someone is having a general get-together like a BBQ and offering their house as the venue you might ask people to bring a dish but if you are actually having the party to celebrate your own birthday surely it is quite rude to basically ask people to pay for your party!

Yes, but what if one of your friends did suddenly throw a party like the one the OP mentions. Surely, because they are your friend, you would go. Surely your friends aren't only your friends when they throw parties in the way you like them to be organised?

If it was one of my friends I would say 'X what are you thinking-a list of food for people to bring to your birthday party? Stop being such a tight-arse and get down to Tesco. I will help you by pushing the trolley'.

Wine/drinks = yes, always, unless you move in extremely rarified circles where it is a given that the hosts are providing everything.

Snacks/nibbles/token box of chocolates = yes, if you must and it makes you feel happy.

Dish of proper food, including dessert, salad, olives etc = only if ok'd with host beforehand.

Host asking anyone to bring any food at all = only ok if this is a general get together, which people have mutually decided they want to do somewhere, and host has said its ok we can use my gaff.

If YOU have decided to throw YOUR OWN birthday party, then you cater for your guests and expect the vast majority of them to bring drinks (which they will).

My guess is that it's a sign of the times. It's expensive to host parties but people still want to do it. And pot luck suppers are usual in church settings and neighbourhood parties and also family, but not so usual among friends. The list is not cool though. If you want to be casual, you can't send out a list. Followed by a follow up list.

I just think we could be more forgiving to our friends. I expect we have all done annoying things and when we realised, were glad we had friends who would cut us some slack.

The kind of party the OP mentions is not that uncommon. Perhaps it depends on what you expect. Some people expect a party to be something they contribute towards big time and others expect to turn up and be wined and dined. Even if we are used to one or the other and have a preference for one or the other type, it is still okay to go to the other type. It's even nice to try to look forward to it and enjoy it, because its your FRIEND having it.

Sounds to me like the OP doesn't really like this person much. Mother wise can't believe it would have caused such offence.

She hasn't said she won't go, just that she thinks it's odd not to provide anything.

Where do you get op doesn't like this person much? She probably imagined her friend had a bit of class, and is aghast at just how graceless she's turned out to be...

I think it's interesting that you see the party host as lacking grace and class. I guess you are right, that is how the OP sees it.
I don't think I would or have. I have been to those kind of parties.....we all had a great time. Actually, when you have to contribute and go to a bit of effort, to make a dish or bring decorations, or are asked to come early to move some furniture, or to man the bar for the night, or help cook the barbeque....you become more than just a guest, but a real part of what is going on. It's nice and it draws people together. But only if they join in graciously.

As I said, if your idea of a party is to turn up and be wined and dined and then walk away leaving a big mess behind, then I can see this is a different op roach to having a party and might take some getting used to. It would be a real shame if people went and then sat there Poe-faced all night to show their disapproval. If the party idea is so beyond what people can stretch their imagination to, it probably is better not to go. Pity.

Why do people not realise how totally rude it is to demand guests bring their own food and drink?

They aren't bringing their own food, they are bringing food to share. It's a nice thing to do or so I thought until this thread came along.

Before we moved to a new area we had this sort of social event amongst our friends all the time. If the hosts had to provide all the food it would probably have happened far, far less frequently and that would have been a shame. It's seems like an obvious solution for people with not much money, but who do have the space to entertain their friends.

I appreciate that this may not be the case with the OPs friends, but the reaction of some on here has really surprised me. Community spirit seems to be dead and buried.

It's because in this case it's a BIRTHDAY PARTY.

I never leave a mess behind. I am usually the one doing the sweep with the bin liner at other people's parties.

It's not a community event, fireside, it's a birthday party, with a format which appears not to be the norm within their group or op wouldn't be so taken aback?

I don't think it matters what kind of party it is. I have been to birthday parties, weddings, anniversary parties, engagement parties.....where people have just been glad to gather with their friends. Some had made a big effort and cooked something lovely. Others had nipped into Sainsburys and bought a cheesecake or a salad or a rotisserie chicken to bring.

As fireside said, more parties are a good thing...and more happen when people are asked to contribute and expect to. All good.

Sparkling

Totally with you. It's just wrong, wrong, wrong.

It does matter, Birthdays are personal. For a big one someone might throw you a surprise party you know nothing about-fair enough they pay.

But to decide on your birthday that you want everyone else to pay for your celebratory food and to issue a tick list to ensure they do is horrible.
Then a follow up email declaring more stuff is required is rude.

Sparkling, I think you are being most unreasonable. I am very glad you are not one of my friends or that you've been invited to any of my parties ( be them bbqs or Xmas ones).

I am lovely Jane.

BBQs and Christmas I will be there anyway-with a dish of your choice, if that's what you want me to do Jane. Just don't do a tick list.

From the OP it may be this person has form for being tight.

In which case, don't be friends with them, decline, don't go.

This thread is tempting me to invite all my pals to my house for a party and ask them to bring food. It will sort my friends into the 'reasonable ones' and the 'unreasonable and easily offend-able ones' and will save me the trouble of speculating who is who.

Plus I would get a party and I wouldn't even have to cater

I think a Dominoes delivery would sort it all out nicely.

Sparkling - you are lovely.

No idea what Janethegirl is doing, being really mean about you. Horrible.

They'll probably bring Iceland prawn rings, YouareTalking ... unless you do a Very Specific list

Thanks Bowlers.

Don't anyone ever take an Iceland Bailey's Dessert to a party. do you remember the AIBU thread about it?

I would assume it goes like this. Could be completely wrong mind you:
Party (birthday, housewarming etc): bring a bottle, expect food.
Night at a mates for films: bring a bottle, expect nibbles.
Barbecue: bring a bottle and something to be grilled (meat, fish, quorn etc). Expect accompaniments like bread and salad.
Wedding: bring nothing, expect food and a pay bar.
Restaurant: bring nothing, pay for your own.
Night in arranged down pub: bring several bottles and food. Expect a hangover and a bloody good night.