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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that if you host a party for yourself you should provide food and drink

277 replies

housebox · 27/02/2014 18:03

One of my friends is having a birthday party for herself at her house. She has invited people but asked everyone to bring a dish and given out a list of things they need for people to tick off. This encompasses everything you might have at a buffet plus alcoholic/non alcoholic drinks to I assume that this means she is not providing anything!

There is nothing saying that we are not to bring gifts either so she is clearly expecting pressies too.

Said friend and her husband are fairly well off so well able to afford to cater for the small group that have been invited.

I understand that if someone is having a general get-together like a BBQ and offering their house as the venue you might ask people to bring a dish but if you are actually having the party to celebrate your own birthday surely it is quite rude to basically ask people to pay for your party!

OP posts:

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 27/02/2014 18:20

well, this is how wealthy people STAY wealthy.

The poorer people are, the more generous as hosts, IMO

Janethegirl · 27/02/2014 18:22

Sorry Housebox I just don't understand why you don't feel able to spend £5 or less to take some food to share at a party. If you don't like the terms of the invitation, just say you can't go, or tell her you don't like the conditions attached to the invitation.

Joysmum · 27/02/2014 18:23

We do this.

It means we can get together more often.

On a family buffet, each person brings a little something.

We also have dinner parties with 2 other couples and the hosts do the main course and the others do either pud or starter.

Sparklingbrook · 27/02/2014 18:23

Tell us what's on the list.

Viviennemary · 27/02/2014 18:24

Of course most people do take a bottle along to a party. But I don't think it's quite the done thing to ask for bottles or food to be brought. Except if they are penniless students or similar.

Bowlersarm · 27/02/2014 18:26

Very odd invitation to celebrate a birthday party.

I can understand someone wanting to have a party or gathering and say 'we'd love everyone to come to ours for a party. Can't quite afford to fund it all. Would you mind chipping in? We'll supply xxxx but could you bring xxx'

But for a birthday party, especially if a present is expected, it does seem greedy.

ThePortlyPinUp · 27/02/2014 18:27

I had a birthday 'get together' last weekend, it was all very informal didn't expect presents etc and we did provide all food and non alcoholic drinks but did ask people to bring what they wanted to drink. We are skint and this is what as a group of friends we have done every time we socialise.

KirjavaTheCat · 27/02/2014 18:28

Hmm I think we need to see the list tbh ;)

I don't know OP, you don't actually know she's not providing anything.

nkf · 27/02/2014 18:28

I want to know what's on the list.

ThePortlyPinUp · 27/02/2014 18:28

And it was only 5 couples including us and 8 kids (who we provided drinks for)

WhizzFucker · 27/02/2014 18:32

Lovely thing to do and not odd at all.

Sounds like you're not really friends - just decline the invite.

firesidechat · 27/02/2014 18:34

I can't understand my you're put out by this.

Most of the get togethers we have are ones where we bring a plate of food and I would consider it fairly normal. It would never occur to me to be offended and I positively enjoy them. At least your guaranteed that one dish will be something you like.

If I worried about everything that MN finds rude I would never leave the house again.

Grennie · 27/02/2014 18:34

I have been to lots of birthday parties where it is a bring and share food and drink. And the hosts provide stuff too.

firesidechat · 27/02/2014 18:35

why not my.

My typing has been appalling today.

firesidechat · 27/02/2014 18:36

Don't think there was ever a list though. It was literally pot luck.

starlight1234 · 27/02/2014 18:39

Would everything on the list be all that is there? Would she not just provide what someone doesn't tick off

Bunbaker · 27/02/2014 18:41

"I would probably have brought a bottle but I object to be told that I "have" to bring drink and food! I will also have to buy a birthday gift too.

I think I am going to decline!"

My, you are easily offended. So, you are going to cut your nose off to spite your face just because you were asked to bring some food. Most gatherings I go to are bring and share. You don't sound much of a friend.

Preparing food for a party is a right old hassle. It isn't so much the expense, but the time, and having enough dishes and fridge storage. We had a party at new year. I didn't ask anyone to bring food but said yes to those that offered.

I think sending a list was a bit OTT, so you could just bring something off list if you prefer, or stay at home instead of enjoying yourself at the party

Sparklingbrook · 27/02/2014 18:42

I would imagine the hostess is supplying a multipack of value crisps.

manicinsomniac · 27/02/2014 18:43

oh gosh, I'm having a birthday party, have asked people to bring a drink if they can and haven't specified that they shouldn't bring presents. Is that rude?

I haven't mentioned food (but am planning on doing it myself) and it hadn't occurred to me that people would bring presents. I haven't had a party since my 21st. I'm an adult. People don't take presents to adults birthday parties do they? My close friends buy me presents because they want to anyway, I really don't think party invite = buy present however well you know somebody once you are grown up.

Eek, worried now.

I (hope) YABU

alwaysneedaholiday · 27/02/2014 18:43

I would always offer to take something to eat to a party, but would probably feel a bit miffed about being issued with a list!

Wine and present would be normal too - wouldn't be an either/or for me.

The hostess will have a whole house to clean, and food and drinks of her own to organise.

whois · 27/02/2014 18:44

Always take a bottle.

For a general party where one person is offering their house you can do an organised 'bring x' list.

For your birthday it would be good form to provide the food at your own party!

Bowlersarm · 27/02/2014 18:48

manic that's fine. I think the OP is surprised at having to bring both food and drink. The birthday girl herself doesn't seem to be supplying anything.

Sparklingbrook · 27/02/2014 18:50

Is 'massive birthday cake with candles and my name on' on the list?

HesterShaw · 27/02/2014 18:50

Don't go then.

lazyhound444 · 27/02/2014 18:55

For an ordinary get together it would be no big deal but for a birthday party, she really should provide the buffet herself. I would always bring my own alcohol to a party and expect the host to provide fizz for the toast and a reasonable amount of soft drinks for mixers.

A few years ago we were invited to a BBQ which was a "homecoming" party for a distant relative who had decided to settle here after living her entire life in Canada. Clearly they do things different there as we were e mailed a list of what to specifically bring food and drink wise but, get this, she also asked us to bring "lawn furniture". Many of the guests lived in flats or rented accommodation and had no outdoor furniture to speak of. They were told they'd have to stand!

I don't understand why some people "host" parties when they clearly have no idea of how to do it and just end up offending people and pissing them off.

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