Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 7 8 9 10 11 12

Original poster

To think that if you host a party for yourself you should provide food and drink

277 replies

housebox · 27/02/2014 18:03

One of my friends is having a birthday party for herself at her house. She has invited people but asked everyone to bring a dish and given out a list of things they need for people to tick off. This encompasses everything you might have at a buffet plus alcoholic/non alcoholic drinks to I assume that this means she is not providing anything!

There is nothing saying that we are not to bring gifts either so she is clearly expecting pressies too.

Said friend and her husband are fairly well off so well able to afford to cater for the small group that have been invited.

I understand that if someone is having a general get-together like a BBQ and offering their house as the venue you might ask people to bring a dish but if you are actually having the party to celebrate your own birthday surely it is quite rude to basically ask people to pay for your party!

OP posts:

pixiegumboot · 28/02/2014 22:44

I know sorry

firesidechat · 28/02/2014 22:58

It's not a community event, fireside, it's a birthday party, with a format which appears not to be the norm within their group or op wouldn't be so taken aback?

It might not be a "community" event as in street party or similar, but I do think it is about community in the widest sense. A community of friends who have a generous spirit towards each other and I think the sharing aspect is very important.

Fair enough if you can afford to host a party and provide all the food and drink, but not everyone has the cash to do this. It would be a real shame if people were excluded from social occasions because of their bank balance. I'm sure there would be equal offence taken about friends who are always the guests and never host a party. That may be the alternative to a bring and share do for people with less disposable income.

nkf · 28/02/2014 23:08

It's the difference between "I am inviting you to my party" and "Let's get together." The first you cater and people bring goodies of their choosing if they choose. The second everyone chips in. The OP's friend is muddling things up AND being a bit bossy.

Bunbaker · 28/02/2014 23:11

Although I am in the camp of refusing to be offended about an invitation like this I would be interested to know if the OP's hosts intends to do anything at all for the party other than throw open her house.

Sparklingbrook · 28/02/2014 23:11

Is everyone who thinks this is fine really truly ok with the tick list and follow up e-mail?

nkf · 28/02/2014 23:11

If you can't afford a big party then you say it as such. Let's get together and have a barbecue. Come over and we'll order a takeaway and have a kitchen disco. Or wine and Pringles and a film. There are all sorts of ways to entertain on the cheap. Tons of ways to stay in touch with people without going broke. But, if you want a party party in which you are the birthday girl, then I think you have cater it.

Bunbaker · 28/02/2014 23:14

It wouldn't bother me, but I can't think of anyone I know that would do that. I have been to plenty of social functions where bringing a plate of food was expected, but not organised as formally as the birthday party the OP has been invited to.

ChocolateWombat · 28/02/2014 23:15

'Party party' means different things to different people. It's why there is disagreement. Some people see what the OP is being invited to, as a perfectly good approach to a party. They just want to be with their friend on her birthday. Company more important than venue, who cooked food, or if the visitors feel like traditional guests who are 'looked after' by the host.
Others want to feel 'looked after' which means having food provided and a more traditional relationship between host and guest.

Life's too short. We should go to all the parties we can.

NotCitrus · 28/02/2014 23:34

Sounds fine to me, and since we started having kids more of my friends are doing parties like that - host tidies and cleans before and after and is spared babysitting costs, guests bring food/drink instead of presents because by the time you're in your mid-thirties you either own the stuff you want or have particular tastes and don't want generic presents, so getting food and drink is what you want.

I often end up hosting parties that are nominally for other people, because I have space and it saves me £70 for a babysitter (and is an incentive to tidy up... if I'm really lucky someone will make breakfast, entertain the kids a bit, and tidy up after, too!)

YouAreTalkingRubbish · 28/02/2014 23:38

Sparkling. I would be ok with a list and a follow up. I would be totally fine with both. I wouldn't be fine with a pouncy list though. A list with things like pizza or salad would be perfectly acceptable but a list specifying blue cheese and walnut salad with a balsamic vinaigrette would be very unacceptable.

You have to have a list or you would end up with dozens of Iceland prawn rings.

I know that we will never find out because the OP couldn't possibly go to the party feeling the way she does but we have no way of knowing what the hostess is actually planning to do. She may be planning to provide food and drinks herself.

SaltySeaBird · 28/02/2014 23:54

Hmm I went to a birthday party last year. The hosts gave people a list of what food and drink to bring (mainly salad / rolls / crisps / BBQ meat) everyone contributed something.

They had done amazing decoration, provided a hog roast and some great entertainment. It was a fab party with about 80 people and would have been hugely expensive if they had brought all the extra food too. We didn't mind being asked to contribute at all.

ChocolateWombat · 01/03/2014 07:46

Well, in all this, I think I know which group I would like to be my friends. I would like to have friends who if I decided to have a party and ask them to bring a dish (specified, no less....to avoid 10 lasagna s) would say. "That sounds great. Can't wait to see you and all our other friends. Can we bring 2 dishes to help out and is there anything else we can do"
I'd rather have them as friends, than the ones who either can't come and are suddenly busy, but won't say why, or who come and sit with a face like they are sucking a sour lemon, thinking "How very dare she, to call this a birthday party. How dare she tell me, the guest what to bring and have the nerve to have some kind of list to help her organisation. Not the sort I consider a friend. She is enjoying her birthday at my expense. Shocking....that pie cost me £4 to make."

nkf · 01/03/2014 07:56

I don't buy this idea that if you are uncomfortable about the money side, you are somehow not a good friend. You see it all the time on the wedding threads. Pious little statements about, "We just wanted everyone to have a lovely time and celebrate our love with us." And if someone grumbles about the cost of attending a friend's wedding, they're called mean spirited. This is how people end up in debt. Trying to be flash, trying not to offend, being unable to talk about money without being embarrassed.

CeliaFate · 01/03/2014 07:57

OP where are you?
We need to know if the birthday grabber girl is providing anything at all!

ChocolateWombat · 01/03/2014 08:25

The other thing I don't like the idea of, is that 'friends' store up some kind of log of what the other offered when hosting in terms of food, drink etc. and don't like to feel 'owed'
Sometimes the times when you have the best, best time are when food, drink etc is very simple. You may be sitting on the floor eating pizza because you have helped a friend move into a new house.

Friendship surely is a bout much more than who bought the last main course??

nkf · 01/03/2014 08:28

I don't think it is friendly to create a log of who owes what. Neither do I think it is particularly friendly to keep a list of what is needed for your birthday party and send out emails until it's all ticked of.

nkf · 01/03/2014 08:28

off.

ChocolateWombat · 01/03/2014 08:35

I guess I hope for a lot from my friends and hope they will feel they can rely on me for a lot too.
I expect to be able to ask my friends for physical help (moving house, car breaking down etc) and for emotional help (turning up on their doorstep in tears) and that if I am hosting a big event, that I can ask them for very specific help......I asked one friend once to come and help do the garden, before a barbeque.
In return, I expect them to be able to ask me for all of the above and whatever else they feel they need.

It depends on the friendship doesn't it. If you are merely on the level of polite small talk and making sure everyone has paid for their cup of tea in the cafe, and aren't used to people leaning on you for bigger things, then I guess it does seem odd.

mewkins · 01/03/2014 08:46

At least you know that there will be food! ! Wasn'tthere a thread a while back about a party with no buffet and a cash bar?
With my friends, the hosts would always provide food and then everyone else will ask what can they bring and the host will say 'a dessert, chips and dips or whatever.' There is no list and we are not fussy. If someone brought nothing because tjey ran out of time etc no one would care. I think if you have a party you provide the basic...anything else is a bonus.

nkf · 01/03/2014 08:49

ChocolateWombat, I get the underlying message. Your idea of friendship is superior, deep and emotional. Anyone who disagrees has superficial small talk relationships and aren't real friends anyway. I hear what you are saying. I dont' agree, that's all.

TheRaniOfYawn · 01/03/2014 08:57

I think there is also a difference of opinion as to why people have birthday parties. If I invite people round for my birthday it isn't because I want lots of people to make a fuss of me and fawn over me and give me presents on my special day. The birthday treat is having my friends around me and having fun at a party.

firesidechat · 01/03/2014 09:10

ChocolateWombat I'm getting the idea that your experience of friendship is very similar to mine. Although we don't go to church any more I am wondering if I'm influenced by the fact that lots of my friends are Christians, who would consider a bring and share get together perfectly normal. On the whole birthday parties were also an excuse to have a social event and no one bought presents, just food and drink.

ChocolateWombat · 01/03/2014 09:11

TheRani, yes you are right. This explains the difference. For many people the birthday is simply the occasion for the gathering, but a not a big focus within it. That's why it isn't so important who provides what.

ChocolateWombat · 01/03/2014 09:19

Fireside, we probably do see it in a similar way.
Sounds like in the OPs circle, this is a new thing. People often don't like new and have quite rigid ideas about the role of hosts etc. Who knows why the hostess has broken out of the usual pattern.....friends could try to be flexible, if its a first time.

If no one else uses this approach in the circle and the host continues to do it, then I guess she is a bit out of step with the group. It doesn't make what she is doing wrong, but does mean it doesn't sit easily in a round of social interactions, when people all invite each other to events.

I would say to those invited, go and see. You might really enjoy yourselves. Try to get beyond the 'bring a dish' or the host is a cheapskate mentality. If no one else ever dos somethig similar and the host continues to and it really upsets you, then voice your concerns in a kind way. Don't just brood on.

Sparklingbrook · 01/03/2014 09:39

I don't know what else to say. This has never happened to me, and probably never will. I have a lovely circle of friends, and I think I am a good friend to them. I don't feel that agreeing with the OP makes me an awful person.

So I will leave you to your parties I think, whoever is paying for the food.

Flip

1 2 ··· 7 8 9 10 11 12

Swipe left for the next trending thread