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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that if you host a party for yourself you should provide food and drink

277 replies

housebox · 27/02/2014 18:03

One of my friends is having a birthday party for herself at her house. She has invited people but asked everyone to bring a dish and given out a list of things they need for people to tick off. This encompasses everything you might have at a buffet plus alcoholic/non alcoholic drinks to I assume that this means she is not providing anything!

There is nothing saying that we are not to bring gifts either so she is clearly expecting pressies too.

Said friend and her husband are fairly well off so well able to afford to cater for the small group that have been invited.

I understand that if someone is having a general get-together like a BBQ and offering their house as the venue you might ask people to bring a dish but if you are actually having the party to celebrate your own birthday surely it is quite rude to basically ask people to pay for your party!

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 28/02/2014 12:13

Bunbaker - I've just done one of those stupid quiz things, this one from the Daily Mirror, to say how posh you are. Apparently taking wine to a dinner party isn't the done thing, because it suggests you think their wine is inferior . I did know that, but I still take wine to dinner parties, because it usually is needed!

It's different for parties, of course.

Pigsmummy · 28/02/2014 12:14

I wouldn't mind and it stops you having 15 salads and cheesecakes but no mains, a few quid on top of the booze that you would take anyway?

Grennie · 28/02/2014 12:19

That is true thumbwitch. But then you are supposed to take a present for the Host instead.

Mintyy · 28/02/2014 12:20

Yanbu. I think its awful. I feel embarrassed for your friend, actually.

A single mum friend of mine with no money had a birthday party not long ago, organised for her by a mutual friend, and we were all asked to bring a dish, but not told what to bring. Had absolutely no problem with that of course.

But this well off couple in the op? Oooh, it's just making me cringe!

Thumbwitch · 28/02/2014 12:31

Absolutely, Grennie. A bottle of port is usually welcomed! Or chocolates...

Thumbwitch · 28/02/2014 12:32

(I do know that port is still a type of wine though - just my friend and I really got into our port drinking so again, an extra bottle was usually welcome :) )

YouAreTalkingRubbish · 28/02/2014 12:46

Please don't go, she wouldn't want you there if she knew how judgemental you were being.

Sparklingbrook · 28/02/2014 12:50

Judgemental with very good reason Rubbish no need to be sad. I would be [happy] to not go.

Sparklingbrook · 28/02/2014 12:50

Or even.

Thumbwitch · 28/02/2014 13:02

OMG, does someone actually feel sorry for Mr and Mrs Grabby?

Or in fact, is Youaretalkingrubbish the host/ess?

HelloBoys · 28/02/2014 13:02

There is a very big difference here from parties where:-

a) you do a list as OP's "friend" has done and expect all food/drink to be provided for.

b) You agree between you that Sally will bring quiche, Lisa Potato salad etc and it's a casual relaxed thing as well as bring booze if you want to.

c) Personally most parties I've hosted or been to we/they supply booze and everyone brings some too and we/they supply food and everyone brings some too.

Isn't the above what everyone does?! eg b) or c). Gosh that looks like a list now.

It's not really cultural either - got friends from Spain/France etc and they do above - casual and no hassle.

In fact everyone I know brings/takes a bottle to a party generally. and as flowery says people who don't do that are generally thought of as rude.

HelloBoys · 28/02/2014 13:05

FGS Twilight - often a lot of people BRING and quite happily too, dessert/pudding or cheeses etc. asked or not asked to do so.

I've never had people throw their arms up in disbelief at being asked to do this, in fact a lot offer!

Friends of mine just do above and friends of parents - it's totally normal but you usually ask if you should bring or are asked to bring. no offense taken at all.

Bunbaker · 28/02/2014 13:12

"I was invited to a get together and the hosts
requested crisps and drinks. We did not attend."

Blimey, just for that reason! You are easily offended! You disappoint your friends over a packet of crisps and a bottle of plonk. That takes the biscuit for self entitlement.

I like my friends a lot, being asked to bring some crisps and a bottle wouldn't put me off seeing my friends.

Thumbwitch Our friends are interested in wine as well, so we usually tend to mask the bottles and try to guess what the wine is. We drink both bottles BTW.

It is common practice to take a bottle along for social get togethers, especially informal ones. The ones that don't must have very well off friends.

Grennie · 28/02/2014 13:17

I have only been to two parties where guests were asked not to bring drinks. One of them was mine. I had lots of white wine - some looked decent and expensivish - left over from parties that people had brought. I also bought some red wine and we had a joky wine tasting party. But teh only reason I asked people not to bring wine, is I didn't want to be left with even more drinks at the end.

Taking alcohol is usual because providing alcohol for a large party of people would be very expensive. As friends we have lots of social gatherings. I don't want everyone to have to save up loads of money before they can invite friends round.

Thumbwitch · 28/02/2014 13:42

One party I went to here in Australia, it was older cousins of DH's hosting it. As per normal in the UK, we took along a bottle of wine. Well, we didn't know it but they don't drink red wine; so not only did we get given back our bottle but they gave us another 2 bottles of red wine from their cupboard that other guests had left before! Only party I've ever been to where we came away with more alcohol than we took...

expatinscotland · 28/02/2014 14:49

There was a thread on here not too long ago where an OP had been invited to a party in a curry house where the guests were expected to pay for their meals and drink AND the invitation contained a demand for cash gifts. Now that is crass.

YouAreTalkingRubbish · 28/02/2014 15:04

Lol, nope I am not the host, but I really don't think she has done anything wrong. The only thing I think the hostess should have done differently is that she should have said that she didn't want gifts.

The reason I feel sad for the hostess is this thread shows that this is a very divided issue and clearly a lot of posters had no idea that other people might be offended if they are asked to bring food.

It's all too complicated for me . I think I better go back to my hermits cave.

Thumbwitch · 28/02/2014 15:21

I know it's a bit of an MN byword, but I think that there IS something very grabby about wanting people to provide their own food AND a present.

Mind you, I got invited to the birthday party of an old school friend a few years ago - whom I hadn't seen nor heard from since her wedding (evening reception) some years previously - and she had the brass face to tell me and my other friend (we went together) that the reason she'd invited us both was because the previous year she felt she hadn't received enough presents, so she invited more people this year! Honest, yes - but so grabby! Oddly enough, we didn't stay in touch after that either.

Topaz25 · 28/02/2014 17:01

I don't think there is anything necessarily wrong with a pot luck but then I love making food for friends, I would enjoy being able to share my cooking and knowing that there would be something at the party that I could eat because I'm vegan. I would still give a present because I give a birthday present to show I thought of someone, not to reimburse them for feeding me, it's a celebration not a financial transaction. I've still bought a friend a birthday present when we were going to the pub to celebrate and paying for our own food and drinks so I don't see the difference.

ChocolateWombat · 28/02/2014 17:13

How about the idea that your friends are your friends and you like to spend time with them. It isn't about who provides what, keeping a tally of who 'owes' a meal, because one was provided to them. This is what they want to do and if you are their friend and you can make it, you'll just go and have a good time. Why not just be generous spirited about it.
When its your turn to host, you can do it how you like.
It might be that they are hard up or it might be that they are being a bit tight. I don't think it really matters. Make your most prized dish and take it over and have fun.

People who really would consider not going.....is that to make somekind of point (expect the host is telepathic and will realise) or what? Will you be continuing with this friendship or is this the end of it.

I'm sure I make social faux pax and my friends do too sometimes. Hey ho, life continues.

Bunbaker · 28/02/2014 17:16

"How about the idea that your friends are your friends and you like to spend time with them. It isn't about who provides what, keeping a tally of who 'owes' a meal, because one was provided to them. This is what they want to do and if you are their friend and you can make it, you'll just go and have a good time. Why not just be generous spirited about it."

Yes, yes, yes ChocolateWombat

You have put it extremely well. Seeing my friends is far more important to me than getting huffy over a bag of crisps.

Sparklingbrook · 28/02/2014 19:49

Luckily I don't have any friends who would expect me to supply food for their Birthday party and produce a tick list. My friends aren't grabby like that.

ChocolateWombat · 28/02/2014 19:55

Sparkling, I expect you would be offering to bring a dish though anyway. It's what friends do for each other isn't it. Parties are a bit stressful to organise and lot of work, so it's always lovely when a good friend says they will bring a dish to help out. Shows you what a good friend they are.

Floggingmolly · 28/02/2014 20:06

This isn't a case of a good friend saying they'll bring a dish to help out, chocolate. Op's friend has decided to delegate the entire thing to the guests; while she sits back and rakes in the presents.
Nice work if you can get it.

Sparklingbrook · 28/02/2014 20:08

I would probably take a bottle of wine, but my friends are all of the 'just bring yourself' persuasion.

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