Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that if you host a party for yourself you should provide food and drink

277 replies

housebox · 27/02/2014 18:03

One of my friends is having a birthday party for herself at her house. She has invited people but asked everyone to bring a dish and given out a list of things they need for people to tick off. This encompasses everything you might have at a buffet plus alcoholic/non alcoholic drinks to I assume that this means she is not providing anything!

There is nothing saying that we are not to bring gifts either so she is clearly expecting pressies too.

Said friend and her husband are fairly well off so well able to afford to cater for the small group that have been invited.

I understand that if someone is having a general get-together like a BBQ and offering their house as the venue you might ask people to bring a dish but if you are actually having the party to celebrate your own birthday surely it is quite rude to basically ask people to pay for your party!

OP posts:
MetellaEstMater · 28/02/2014 08:11

Completely agree owl. OP obviously doesn't like the host.

I'm also amazed that everyone presumes to know about other people's finances. They may be in good jobs but you never know what expenditure people have. For example, years ago my dad had a great job but was supporting not only us but my mum's brothers family after they lost their business. Nobody knew that.

There's also the time factor. DH and I both have birthdays this week so have right friends over for dinner tonight. On this occasion we are doing all of the food and it will take an age to prepare (admittedly due to our menu choice). If I wasn't on maternity leave everyone would be chipping in and bringing something.

The host may not expect presents - that seems to be an assumption.

YouAreTalkingRubbish · 28/02/2014 08:30

I think it is ok actually and I think a list is quite sensible. She has 'asked' if you want to come and told you the deal upfront. May I tentatively come out with the old mumsnet favourite 'it's an invitation not a summons'. The only way I could feel outraged by this is if she had specified what presents she wants.
Her food list seems very straightforward and modest.

I guess you could downgrade the present if you wanted and I think it's ok not to take a present at all.
I think the best thing would be for you not to go. If I were the host I wouldn't want you to come feeling the way you do.

flowery · 28/02/2014 08:40

I wouldn't decline because of it but I think it is grabby. If you want to host a party for you birthday, er, host it. Don't just provide a house and demand everyone else provides everything else.

And the finances thing - you cut your cloth. If you can't afford a big party, you have a smaller one and just have a couple of friends over.

Bunbaker · 28/02/2014 08:52

"If you can't afford a big party, you have a smaller one and just have a couple of friends over."

I don't agree at all. On other mn threads the advice is if you can't afford a big party ask the guests to contribute some food.

That's what we did when my cousin got married. The reception was in my auntie's garden. He paid for all the booze (and there was an awful lot of it) and the guests brought the food. It was the best wedding I have ever been to.

I agree with Owl that the OP clearly doesn't like the host very much and obvious doesn't understand that organising a party is a PITA.

firesidechat · 28/02/2014 09:02

I wasn't going to say this, but in for a penny and all that. We did a similar thing for our wedding in the 80's and I don't think anyone minded. We provided the drinks and some food, didn't ask family to bring anything and the church friends we had at the time made a plate of food for everyone to share.

I've also made food for other weddings like this and didn't mind at all. The weddings were all very, very low key and it felt like a lovely community effort. Perhaps I'm a bit strange though.

flowery · 28/02/2014 09:04

I think a wedding is different.

OwlCapone · 28/02/2014 09:07

How is a wedding different? It's exactly the same thing - a celebration that you are hosting and expecting others to cater. I don't have a problem with it at all.

Bunbaker · 28/02/2014 09:08

Oh, and whenever we are invited to friends' houses I always offer to bring something. Does that make me weird?

PorkPieandPickle · 28/02/2014 09:09

I think the whole thing is fine including the list and follow up email. We often do this sort of thing and when we started it ended up all bringing sausage rolls to a party!! Since then we do lists- the hosts job being to organise rather than to provide everything.

That being said, I don't think the OP should go as she clearly doesn't like the idea- these things work on mutual liking for each other and the concept. Bringing a plate of resentment doesn't work well.

flowery · 28/02/2014 09:10

It's different because there's absolutely no need or tradition or expectation for an adult to have a celebration with lots of people for their birthday, whereas that's far more the case with a wedding, which is more of a community/family celebration.

Why would you be weird for offering to bring something Bunbaker? Confused

itsbetterthanabox · 28/02/2014 09:12

I would provide food and a couple of bottles. And then ask people to byob. But we are young and skint. If we were well off I'd buy drinks.

Bunbaker · 28/02/2014 09:15

"Why would you be weird for offering to bring something Bunbaker"

Clearly, by those who don't like to be asked to contribute food.

poopadoop · 28/02/2014 09:16

I think offering to bring something is great, but agree it is slightly odd to be very specific about what you expect everyone to bring. We often host dinners and IF someone offers to bring something we might ask for salad or dessert. We always give that person back the leftovers of what they brought if they want it and we always do the main meal and other dishes.

A few years ago we were invited to a friends' housewarming and were instructed via email to bring a selection of cheeses, others were told to bring very specific things as well. All the guests thought it was pretty cheeky. Why host a party if you are so reliant on friends providing all the food and drink?

Oblomov · 28/02/2014 09:18

Not a problem to me, because I normally offer a food item and bring a bottle anyway.

chandlerbing · 28/02/2014 09:19

I am of the opinion that if you are hosting a party then you should fully expect to provide food/drink to everyone that you invite. I'd never turn up to a party empty handed and always take drinks and nibbles but if I choose to host a party then I would provide everything and anything that anyone else decided to bring would be a bonus. I think it's the height of rudeness inviting people to a party and then expecting guests to provide everything. If you can't afford a party then don't have one.

I was invited to a BBQ last summer and the (very stingy) host said on the invite that we all had to bring everything that we would want to eat. She even said 'don't forget ketchup and mustard!'. We were literally expected to bring every item of food and drink we wanted to eat. I'm surprised she didn't try to put on a surcharge for using her BBQ too. Hardly anyone went, and the host was then bitching on facebook that no one had turned up.

Bunbaker · 28/02/2014 09:20

"Why host a party if you are so reliant on friends providing all the food and drink?"

We are going round in circles with this.

  1. Cost
  2. Doing food for lots of people is a PITA
  3. They may not have enough serving dishes
  4. They want to celebrate with all their friends and this might be the only feasible way of doing it

What don't you understand about that?

poopadoop · 28/02/2014 09:21

Ha! bring ketchup!
OP - 'still quite low on drinks' - that is ridiculous. Sorry but if you literally cannot afford to feed people and want to celebrate your birthday, then don't have a party.
Why do people not realise how totally rude it is to demand guests bring their own food and drink?

Bunbaker · 28/02/2014 09:25

"Why do people not realise how totally rude it is to demand guests bring their own food and drink?"

But it isn't

Yes I am shouting. Does this mean that people who are skint aren't allowed to invite loads of friends round?

How about if the host had said to her friends. "I would love to have a party, but can't afford to do loads of food, can we agree that people make a food contribution?"

Is that rude?

Vickiyumyum · 28/02/2014 09:29

I do understand the bring some food and drink, especially for bbq's. My objection though is that for a BBQ if you bring sausages you eat them don't then steal someone's steak or salmon or veggie skewers! This has happened on more than one occasion. I'm a veggie so usually take my own but make extra. Made veggie and halloumi skewers too salmon for dd and two bits of steak for my p (at the time) and my eldest. Went to get our food and no skewers salmon or steak all that was there was sausages and burgers. Next time I took twice as many skewers and still didn't get one!

scarletforya · 28/02/2014 09:43

BooBooStoo Same thing in Ireland. This would not fly at all Host provides everything. Putting on a 'good spread' is a matter of pride. To ask guests to provide all the food and drink just would not happen.

It's so rude and socially unacceptable I'm cringing!

Original poster
housebox · 28/02/2014 09:43

I don't know the in's and out's of their finances but they appear fairly well off.

Personally though I think if you can't afford to host a party or your don't want to be bothered with all the effort then just don't do it! Surely you can't say oh I want a party for my birthday but can't afford it or be bothered with all the preparation so hey everyone can just do it for me and shell out their money!

I actually think asking for people to bring food and drink to your wedding is rude too!

OP posts:
scarletforya · 28/02/2014 09:46

If you can't afford a party you don't have one. To expect others to fund it is the height of ignorance. And grabby.

dexter73 · 28/02/2014 09:47

If the options are a) go to a party and have to take some food and a bottle of wine or b) stay at home then I would go for (a) every time as I love a party.

Bunbaker · 28/02/2014 09:57

"I actually think asking for people to bring food and drink to your wedding is rude too!"

I am shocked at the sense of entitlement about invitations that some people have on this thread.

No-one at the wedding thought it was rude to be asked to bring food BTW. Maybe it is just our family and friends who don't get uptight about helping each other out. It is perfectly normal to offer to help with food on any social occasion. Maybe I just have nicer friends and a nicer family who aren't too proud to ask for help.

Honestly it was a perfect wedding. It was in my auntie's beautiful garden on a perfect summer's day. The booze bill must have been thousands (my cousin paid for all the booze). They hired crockery/cutlery/glasses and a couple of people to serve/wash up, and the food was fantastic. It was part of the wedding present to bring food. And the invitation wasn't worded that people had to bring food, but to invite people to bring it if they could.

We couldn't because we travelled down the day before on a boiling hot day to stay in a hotel and a bag of crisps wouldn't have done. But it didn't matter. Oh, and it wasn't a child free wedding either Grin

The atmosphere was lovely and relaxed and it was honestly the best wedding I have ever been to. All of the guests thought so too.

Oh, and when my sister got married we had the reception at our mum's house. I did most of the food, but other members of the family chipped in and brought dishes of food (they offered BTW)

Original poster
housebox · 28/02/2014 09:59

I am shocked at the sense of entitlement of people who want to have a party for themselves and expect others to pay for and provide for it!

I wouldn't have dreamed of asking people to bring anything to my wedding. We paid for all of it and if we couldn't we would have scaled it down to fit our budget.

OP posts: