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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that if you host a party for yourself you should provide food and drink

277 replies

housebox · 27/02/2014 18:03

One of my friends is having a birthday party for herself at her house. She has invited people but asked everyone to bring a dish and given out a list of things they need for people to tick off. This encompasses everything you might have at a buffet plus alcoholic/non alcoholic drinks to I assume that this means she is not providing anything!

There is nothing saying that we are not to bring gifts either so she is clearly expecting pressies too.

Said friend and her husband are fairly well off so well able to afford to cater for the small group that have been invited.

I understand that if someone is having a general get-together like a BBQ and offering their house as the venue you might ask people to bring a dish but if you are actually having the party to celebrate your own birthday surely it is quite rude to basically ask people to pay for your party!

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 27/02/2014 18:56

Just decline. The list, though, we need to know what's on it.

Sparklingbrook · 27/02/2014 18:58

YY. Please tell us what's on the list. We really need to know.

Bunbaker · 27/02/2014 18:58

"Clearly they do things different there as we were e mailed a list of what to specifically bring food and drink wise but, get this, she also asked us to bring "lawn furniture"."

There are three of us so we have three garden chairs. I don't think it is unreasonable to ask people to bring chairs for an outdoor party if they want to sit on one.

Whatisaweekend · 27/02/2014 19:00

Perhaps worth checking with the hostess to see what SHE is providing first? I say this because some very good friends sent an invite saying " we are having a BBQ - bring booze....and something to put on the BBQ". We were a bit but when we arrived we found that they had done the most wonderful array of salads, breads, different dressings, crisps, dips...loads of stuff. So actually it was pretty brilliant.

But if she is providing nowt, I'd tell her where to get off as it is colossally rude to basically say - everyone celebrate MY birthday and YOU are paying for it all as I am so marvellous you clearly want to celebrate my being.

lazyhound444 · 27/02/2014 19:01

Bunbaker I understand that, but she was asking for tables and everything, and this was from people she had never actually MET, they were all relatives of her late father who emigrated to Canada in the 1950s. It was just bizarre. She provided next to nothing at her own party, almost everything was brought by guests.

CeliaFate · 27/02/2014 19:03

It depends on the type of gathering I think. If it's a case of, "Let's get together, I'll host. Come to mine and we'll all chip in."

I have no problem with that.
But if it's a case of, "It's my birthday, bring me a present and provide your own food and drink," then that's taking the piss.
My sil did this - she hired a hall, invited loads of people and said "bring your own drink", but expected everyone who was coming to bring her a present as well.
If you're having a more formal get together, eg an invitation party, then you pay.
If it's a group of mates going round someone's house on a weekend, then you take something.

firesidechat · 27/02/2014 19:03

Like Bunbaker I've taken so many random items to parties because the host didn't have them and didn't mind at all. I thought this was what everyone did. These sort of events are always good fun, feel more friendly and it's nice to share food and drink together.

Sparklingbrook · 27/02/2014 19:03

I think I am going to have me one of these new fangled 'get everyone else to do it all so you don't have to' parties. You are all invited. Just give me ten minutes to write my list of desires.....

Bunbaker · 27/02/2014 19:04

Hmm. I must admit that I never demand anything of my guests, but happily accept offers. The main problem is that people always bring more drinks than we get through - we also supply drinks BTW. OH is a wine enthusiast and we always end up with crap bottles of wine left over. And this year we had loads of Shloer left over, but DD loves it so that isn't a problem.

whats4teamum · 27/02/2014 19:04

I got an invite to something like this and was asked to provide meat for 40 people. Other people got to provide a green salad or French bread. Bit of a disparity no?

Aeroflotgirl · 27/02/2014 19:04

It is a bit cheeky really, if your hosting a party you provide some food and drink. There have been times when people have asked guests at a wedding to bring a dish instead of a present as they are skint or they feel it's nicer, but thus situation sounds very grabby. I would politely decline.

Bunbaker · 27/02/2014 19:05

Now that is ridiculous whats4teamum. Sounds like someone was taking advantage.

Sparklingbrook · 27/02/2014 19:05

What cheeky beggar brought crappy wine to your soiree Bunbaker?

firesidechat · 27/02/2014 19:05

But the party girl didn't say people had to bring a gift, she just didn't mention it. As an adult I wouldn't expect friends to buy me gifts and perhaps she assumed the same thing.

Grennie · 27/02/2014 19:07

I wouldn't expect a gift. And I have asked people to bring chairs to parties/sit down meals.

Savvyblonde · 27/02/2014 19:25

I went to a children's party like this in the summer, guests provided everything and a present. Host took all credit for it. We won't be going again this year.

Twilightsparklesmama · 27/02/2014 19:35

I think this is really cheeky, my friend did this for her DS's first birthday!!!

Savvyblonde · 27/02/2014 19:43

I felt especially as the host's child had been to many other parties that year, so to me it was their turn to host. However we all ended up paying for it. Again these people are not poor, probably richer than most of the rest of us, but as already said, that is how the rich stay rich perhaps.

FamiliesShareGerms · 27/02/2014 19:45

How do you know she hasn't bought cases and cases of vintage bubbly and piles of oysters and caviar for you all as well? Would that make it OK?

Grennie · 27/02/2014 19:50

We do this a lot amongst friends. But the hosts also provide lots of stuff. A list is more unusual. But I really don't see this as an issue.

Sometimesbrunette · 27/02/2014 19:56

I had a friend who wanted a baby shower and got her friend to organise it. A chinese was ordered and we had to chip in, pre order and transfer the money in advance too! Plus bring her a present.

She's not very good at hosting- she gave me Victoria sponge for breakfast once.

Horses for courses. Personally I wouldn't, I'd feel embarrassed and grabby. We enjoy hosting, big house, no kids etc , put toiletries on the bed etc but we get taken the piss out of a bit. People say 'can't invite you back as don't want to cook for you' (hubby amazing in the kitchen).

If you don't like it, I guess don't go.

Sometimesbrunette · 27/02/2014 19:58

But like to add, everyone scrambles to
Come to ours!!!

Original poster

housebox · 27/02/2014 20:07

I'm afraid the list is nothing too exciting - just your usual stuff like pizzas, salad, crisps and dips, french bread, cheeses etc.

I don't think the hostess is planning on providing much as we got a follow up email that said "items we still need...and listed things they don't have yet and they said that they were still quite low on drinks" so from this I'm assuming they have no plans to make up the shortfall

OP posts:

Sparklingbrook · 27/02/2014 20:09

OMG. A follow up email with more demands?

Original poster

housebox · 27/02/2014 20:11

Actually this thread has reminded me of when we used to do pot luck meet ups with NCT group. People took turns to host and everyone had an item to bring.

For the first couple of meets the person who had been tasked with salad took along a lovely made up, greek salad type thing with olives, feta etc. When I was hosting the salad person came in, plonked a lettuce, whole cucumber and bunch of spring onions on the kitchen top and I had to make the salad myself!

OP posts:

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