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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that if you host a party for yourself you should provide food and drink

277 replies

housebox · 27/02/2014 18:03

One of my friends is having a birthday party for herself at her house. She has invited people but asked everyone to bring a dish and given out a list of things they need for people to tick off. This encompasses everything you might have at a buffet plus alcoholic/non alcoholic drinks to I assume that this means she is not providing anything!

There is nothing saying that we are not to bring gifts either so she is clearly expecting pressies too.

Said friend and her husband are fairly well off so well able to afford to cater for the small group that have been invited.

I understand that if someone is having a general get-together like a BBQ and offering their house as the venue you might ask people to bring a dish but if you are actually having the party to celebrate your own birthday surely it is quite rude to basically ask people to pay for your party!

OP posts:
Grennie · 28/02/2014 10:01

The nicest wedding I ever went to, was where the reception was actually in the church and much of the church members had made the food. It felt like a real community affair, and much more loving than hired caterers.

Bunbaker · 28/02/2014 10:03

The main message I seem to be getting from this thread is that a lot of people seem to have "friends" that they either don't like very much or don't know very well.

I wouldn't think an invitation to go to a social function and take some food was grabby because I would have had a conversation with that person first along the lines of "we are thinking of having a party, but can't afford/haven't got time to do lots of food. Would you still come if I asked you to make a contribution?"

When my aunt and uncle had their golden wedding party they put on their invitation that they didn't want any presents but a contribution to the feast would be very welcome. They had already laid on marquees etc and were doing some food themselves, but couldn't afford to fund all the food as well. No-one batted an eyelid at this.

brighteyedbusytailed · 28/02/2014 10:05

I have done bring your own booze parties , where I buy a few things then people bring more specific tastes, otherwise its just one person spending an obscene amount of money on alcohol which isn't fair, but I wouldn't expect people to bring food although if i'm invited to a party I would bring something or make something.

Bunbaker · 28/02/2014 10:08

housebox we are never going to agree are we. So what you are saying is that poor people can't have large social gatherings.

My family aren't well off, nor are most of my friends so helping out at social functions is a given because we like to get together and this is how it works for us.

Sparklingbrook · 28/02/2014 10:18

So would it be ok to ask people to bring food to a Wedding then? Along with the 'gift list' a 'food list' too?

Floggingmolly · 28/02/2014 10:18

Preparing food for a party is a right old hassle... So don't bother your arse, then. Parties aren't obligatory; if you want one, sort it.
Thinking that you can have a party dedicated to celebrating your birthday and sub contract the work involved out to the guests, who are then expected to show up with a gift as well is unbelievably self absorbed.

lazyhound444 · 28/02/2014 10:22

Bunbaker I think there's a time and a place for "everybody bring a dish" parties and completely understand that some people would never be able to have a house party unless their guests did this. I don't have a problem with that. But this specific thread is about someone purportedly "hosting" a birthday party and expecting guests to bring damn near everything and being very specific about it too. That to me is rude and entitled.

aufaniae · 28/02/2014 10:23

Bunbaker your cousin's wedding sounds lovely. I'd much rather bring a dish and go to a warm, welcoming wedding with children invited, plenty of booze and a great atmosphere, than a wedding where the couple had decided they couldn't afford kids to attend as it was more important to them to have catering and matching table decorations or whatever.

torcat · 28/02/2014 10:24

OP YANBU. I think it's a real cheek to expect people to bring both food and drink and to draw up a list of what to bring! I always take something when I go to a party, dinner at someone's house, normally wine, even though I don't drink and perhaps flowers. When someone is basically lending their house to host a joint gathering, then I would ask if people could bring food eg a course, but wouldn't specify what. I often host our NCT gatherings because we have a lot of room and people always ask what they can bring, it's no big deal, we all provide something. Similarly for Christmas Day, I think it is normal to ask what to bring, you know it's a big effort for the hosts. But for my birthday party, or a random party, absolutely no way! Holding your own birthday party is a choice, unlike something like Christmas Day when you have to take it in turns each year; if you can't cope with it, don't do it! Seriously don't go, unless it is someone you really like and then you might just choose to put up with it.

OwlCapone · 28/02/2014 10:24

I am shocked at the sense of entitlement of people who want to have a party for themselves and expect others to pay for and provide for it!

Well, there is an argument that expecting to be catered for in every way is grabby and entitled. It's all a matter of perspective.

If you don't like it, stop bitching about your friend on a public forum and just don't go to the party. Simple. When she asks why, tell her it's because you thing she's grabby and entitled for asking you to bring some food. You probably won't have to worry about future invitations then.

Sparklingbrook · 28/02/2014 10:27

stop bitching about your friend on a public forum

If people did this half of MN would disappear. Grin

Floggingmolly · 28/02/2014 10:31

She's hardly likely to recognise herself; apparently there's a lot of them about..

FamiliesShareGerms · 28/02/2014 10:32

For me this is one of the no right / wrong way things.

Throw a party and provide all the food and drink? Lovely.

Throw a party and ask guests to bring a plate / bottle / chair? No problem. (I would probably draw the line at individuals bringing their own ketchup, though, that's just odd and impractical!)

We often get together for a party at friends' houses, but as only a couple are big enough for everyone and their kids hosting duties (and tidying up before and after etc ) tend to fall on them. How would it be fair to expect them to feed the rest of us every time?

flowery · 28/02/2014 10:38

"How about if the host had said to her friends. "I would love to have a party, but can't afford to do loads of food, can we agree that people make a food contribution?""

That's very different to demanding it though.

And no, still can't see why a generous offer to bring something would be seen as weird by people who wouldn't expect to be required to do so themselves.

scarletforya · 28/02/2014 10:58

Letting your supposed 'friends' pay for your party is free loading. No matter how you dress it up.

Nerris · 28/02/2014 11:02

YANBU. We had to do this a few years ago, at someone's birthday party. I thought it was a cheek, not everyone has a party to celebrate and expects others to foot the bill, why should they? If you are too poor to feed people you shouldn't have a full-on birthday party (other celebrations like summer BBQ's etc are exceptions I think).

Sparklingbrook · 28/02/2014 11:06

I agree with you Nerris. If you can't afford to throw yourself a birthday party then don't have one. Easy.

CeliaFate · 28/02/2014 11:07

We have a group of friends and family over for birthday parties, there's about 30 of us in total.

We buy all the food and drink and out of everyone who comes, only one person brings us a bottle of wine to say thank you.

I don't mind, I don't expect it, because I have invited people to come to celebrate with me, then I expect to cater.

encyclogirl · 28/02/2014 11:18

I live in Ireland and I agree with Scarlet that a party in Ireland = Everything is provided by the hosts. Most people take flowers or chocs so as not to come empty handed, and usually take a bottle or two, to much protestations from the hosts.

However, my boss (who is an old friend of mine outside of work and is fecking loaded) had a similar party to the one OP describes for his 50th. We all had to submit our food items ahead of time.

He came back to a few and made them change from desserts to salads as he had far too many desserts. His wife then forwarded details of a trip he wanted to go on to everyone on the guest list, so that we could all buy him voucher for xxxx travel agent as a gift.

One of our friends refused to go and called him a cheeky fecker for being so grabby. Boss was stunned. “Some people are so tight” was his response Hmm

He also tried to give various guests ‘jobs’ on the day. “X, you’re in charge of re-cycling, ensure everything goes in the correct bin please. Y, I thought I asked you to check the ice? Z, Any chance you could hand out my birthday cake”

That part of his plan failed massively I have to add.

shinny · 28/02/2014 11:33

YANBU. If its your birthday and you want to do a party you provide everything and if people insist on bringing something then that's great. For other low key get togethers, you can ask people to bring various items but not for a birthday.

I was invited to a similar party once - I was told to bring whatever I wanted to drink, to eat beforehand and if I brought kids to ensure they were kept under control! Very strangely worded....

You can always go and bring a packet of pringles....

Contemplates · 28/02/2014 11:40

I'd prefer to be asked to bring something off a list to be honest, there are only so many packets of nachos a person can eat!

And no, I wouldn't think its strange at all. I always take a bottle or two anyway, so quite happy to switch a bottle for a pizza. Or cake. Or fruit.

Thumbwitch · 28/02/2014 11:46

I have been to parties where everyone has been asked to bring a plate; but it's never been someone's birthday party! It's always been a get together after an event, sort of thing (like our post-concert parties) where one person gets lumped with hosting but we all bring something along. Even then the host/ess always provides basics!

I think your friend is trying it on massively and I would either take a plate OR a present but not both. And if there was a problem with that, then I wouldn't go at all.

Bunbaker · 28/02/2014 11:56

"We buy all the food and drink and out of everyone who comes, only one person brings us a bottle of wine to say thank you."

You provide all the drink Shock. That doesn't happen with us. I think it is very presumptuous to assume the host will provide all the booze for a party or social gathering. Even if we go to dinner at a friend's house we will always take a bottle of wine and our friends always bring wine to ours.

What did surprise me was when I have had a couple of Virgin Vie/Pampered Chef parties and everyone brought booze to those. That I wasn't expecting at all. It just seems to be the culture within my circle.

flowery · 28/02/2014 12:03

I agree that not taking a bottle is rude.

Twilight23 · 28/02/2014 12:11

I am noticing that more and more of my friends people hold get togethers and request for food and drink. We have even been asked to provide dessert when invited for dinner!

I personally wouldn't. Whenever we have hosted we provided the food and drink. If someone offers to bring something fine but I am not asking.

I was invited to a get together and the hosts
requested crisps and drinks. We did not attend.

It is just the same with the baby shower list. Mum to be may not be the organiser but she put together a list of items that others can buy to save her from doing so.