To have sex once a week.

[Nottonightdarlin]

Nc as will be showing dp this thread.

We have a great relationship - he is currently massaging my feet.

I'm a SAHM with our 9 month dd, and I really love it. It's something we both agreed on.

I'm just so god dam tired by night time. I got to bed to sleep . I do all the house work and dp goes to work and is out of the house 12 hours a day.

Honestly the only day im up for it is Saturday , when I've been to work for a few hours and dp has had dd during the day when he is off.

When we do have sex, it's very passionate - that's not the problem, it's just most of the time I'm too tired to give a shit.

Obviously dp would like it at least twice I think my rejections are offending him. I don't want him to feel like shit. He never pressurises me.

Is once a week normal ?

LineRunner, what even when you first met him? Or was the housework a later but welcome development?

I mean, if it's a first date and the bloke brings marigolds I'm thinking fetish not fairy liquid.

Average around 3-4 times a week. 2 school age DC ( one who is autistic) DH works full time I work part time and the housework is done 9/10 every day.

I love having sex, it makes me happy so I will make time for it.

HoneyDragon, when I first met him he'd come round to fix my burst pipes. He had to take part of the floor up, and he couldn't get his hands on my dustpan and brush fast enough.

Then he smashed the back of my staircase in.

I was smitten.

Sorry I appear to have been reading Viz Comic again.

Sex is an expression of love, and even ignoring base glandular inclinations, a direct and uncomplicated expression of heartfelt love can be extremely important to a person whose emotional communication is fenced in by profound, multiple limitations. Like men

Excuse moi?

DH's direct and uncomplicated expression of heartfelt love comes in many forms.

One of them is the Starbar cookies I bake him.

I may have mistranslated though, but I don't speak misogyny fluently.

I think could be helpful to you Flipping.

You shag your bloke regularly, like you feed your cat or put petrol in your car

Oh no she di'n't!

You have just downgraded all men to the equivalent of a pet or a machine in your eyes.

That's bad form.

Thanks Britishgal

Morning all!

Thanks for your replies.
In regards to dp comment about paying the bills it was regarding myself doing all the house work not that he should have more sex!

I don't mind doing the lions share, it takes about half an hour whip round every mornng and a load put on. I basically have all day to drink hazelnut lattes and roll around soft play

And tbh I didn't want to go back to work. I only go in work four hours on a sat so I can see my friends so life's pretty good. BUT we havnt got any sitters or people we can leave her with so dd is pretty much with in two meters of me 24/7

We stayed at a hotel, just me and dp this Friday because a wonderful relative stayed over and it was awsome. Just like when we first met. I do miss that.

Dp took the comments on board, he will always go with what I say anyway BUT I'm going to try get myself n to a sexy mood more often and turn MN off

The comments about men looking else where if there not getting enough sex is the type of thing my 80 year old granny would say. But if dp loves his dick more than he loves his family here, he can go for it!

Great attitude Nottonightdarlin

I understand where you're coming from as we have no one to take the toddler off our hands for a few hours either. She's only ever been left with her dad for a few hours while I go to the hairdressers or out for an early evening meal with friends.

Totally get the 24/7 thing, and it is hard to switch from mum mode to sexy vamp mode with the click of your fingers.

Does you DH know that you view having sex with him as a chore, akin to feeding the cat or putting petrol in the car? Because that's an emotional kick in the balls if ever there was one.

Perhaps you just have shitty taste in men, not all of them are as deep as a teaspoon and unable to express their emotions in a way other than sex.

Completely normal.

FlippingWhatsername Whilst I would agree that sex (or intimacy) is an important part of a relationship, it does not require a set quantity of at least once a week. Many couples are quite happy with much less than that. It isn't a chore as you describe it, that a woman should do like they feed the cat or put petrol in the car, it is something that a couple need to work out for themselves. But you describe sex like it is a requirement to men and women should just do it. What if either she really can't have sex very often? Is that cruel to him? Should she then be grateful if he doesn't have an affair? What about the woman's needs? What if it is the other way round? Do women explode if they don't get sex often enough?

People are all different. This concept that men need sex once a week, is just weird. People have different needs and abilities. Where there is an imbalance, couples need to work together to find a balance that works for them. No-one should feel pressured to have sex because they see it as a duty, because the relationship will suffer.

This thread is fucking with my head. And in my idiocy, I have just read the linked thread from Dadsnet.

You have a 9mo. You are having sex once a week. Sounds good to me.

Going on dating sites and whacking off to porn doesn't sound so good. He sounds like an immature wanker.

Imvho you need to reconnect with each other: a lot has changed in the last 9 months. How do you now view each other? Does your dp see you just as a mum? Is he tired? Has he lost interest in you? Does he think your body now belongs to your baby (are you bfing?)?

We have a 2.2yo and we are arse achingly tired with odd timetables and little time to do anything (our long list fof things to do unclude paint a mouldy wall with special paint, get the car fixed, fix a ruddy great hole in the fence, fix four wonky/broken light fittings plus visit fpur schools to decide which to put dd in this September...). Plus normal housework. We are so tired. We might not have sex for a month, then twice in one day, once in 7 days, three times on Sunday, drought for a month. We do it when the mood takes us BOTH.

This thread has bought up issues for me ; Especialy what flipping said. I have a low drive and just don't fancy sex much but then I do not associate love with sex in that I can feel loved by being given a cuppa in bed but for dh one of the expressions of love if thro sex and he feels more loved when he has sex than when he doesn't. So if we don't have sex there's one of us whose needs are met ie mine and one whose needs are not met ie his. Lots of posts suggest that a woman does not need to have sex if she doesn't want to but in my case then my dh would never get needs met. So I guess what I'm saying is we both have to work it out and compromise. Ie he has less intimacy than he wants and yes I have sex when I don't want to. We really love each other but are mismatched in that way ! A lot of women I know make this compromise .

I can hear OH pottering around downstairs doing some chores and have just read him Gamerchicks post

^Yesterday I was like checking off my housework list.. the husband, who's on holiday was saying 'already did it' to each thing on that list.

He was offered mega sucky long time because I was in the mood.^

He says he aint fucking doing the windows to get sucked..he would rather bend and do it himself than do windows

Methinks he is protesting too much

HighlanderMam yeah, I admit to a certain amount of "inadvertent mischief" there, looking back at it. ;)

Molly how did what I said about how some people can view sex, quoted in your post, translate as misogyny in your mind? Read it back... just where is the misogyny? Wtaf?

MostWicked I think it's clear it can be either way around, but in my opinion, for those people who see intimacy as an important emotional connection, expression of love, whatever and lack something without it, I think it's no different to how another person might set great store by romance, or conversation, the occasional cuddle or whatever. I think a person can live without these things that are important to their emotional connection, and arguably should as much as is demanded - but after a very extended period of time it will start to gnaw away at their happiness and self esteem past the level that a normal (eg not particularly selfish) person can comfortably stand.

sugar4eva I know just what you mean - yours is probably the closest comment to me, that I've read in this thread. I think it's like... DP has every right to just never give a cuddle or say "I love you" again because they really don't want to, but to me that is eventually going to feel shit and low and unloved like they don't care, because even though I can probably go 10 years without those apparently insignificant things I have no right to demand, it is eventually going to be like the death of a thousand cuts feeling like I live with, and invest my emotional energy in, someone who doesn't give a rat's ass. So we identify the personality and needs of our OH over time, and what makes them feel loved/unloved and try to make sure they feel loved once in a while even if it's something you wouldn't otherwise be arsed with. I am a little perplexed that some people think this is the most wrong thing in the world, like doing things out of love for your partner is a terrible thing, perhaps we all aren't getting where each other is coming from.

I think men forget it takes more for a woman to feel 'in the mood'...

We can't just turn it on, it's sometimes hard to feel sexy when you've been running about after a baby all day, there's housework to do etc...

It would be nice to have a bath in peace, a nice relaxing evening without the pressure of being prodded in the back & made to feel guilty for rejecting your oh.

I'd suggest your dp sends you for a bath, cooks dinner, opens a bottle of wine... sees where the evening leads, once in a while.

Romance is not sex, and vice versa.

So I guess what I'm saying is we both have to work it out and compromise. Ie he has less intimacy than he wants and yes I have sex when I don't want to. We really love each other but are mismatched in that way

I understand what you are doing and why you are doing it, but I can't help thinking that it's a sticking plaster, not a solution.

I'd suggest your dp sends you for a bath, cooks dinner, opens a bottle of wine... sees where the evening leads, once in a while

^^That is a solution.
You both need to put some effort into you WANTING to have more intimacy, not just doing it to meet the other person's needs.

If you keep having sex out of duty, even if that duty is driven by love, you will never increase your libido. And if he continues to have sex with you, knowing that you don't really want to, it may scratch the itch short term, but it won't meet his needs long term. The quality of your sex can never be as good, so there will always be something missing.

Thankyou flipping : I agree with you and feel a sense of relief at being understood. I think what you put about it. Feeling like another chore was only a quick way / lighter hearted way of saying what you said in your last post in reply to me. Basically my dh gets his intimate and feeling loved needs thro sex. I get them thro cups of tea , etc etc . If we have had a nice day together he wants to have sex as its an expression of closeness to him, whereas for me the day is enough in its own right. But I have come to understand if do not have sex ever he is never getting his feeling that he is loved met which for him is thoroug h sex , and which make dc sad , feels unloved. So whilst I'd be v happy he would not be. In fact he tried to do the no sex thing so as not to pressure me but like you said it just hurt for him as he was not getting his emotional needs met. I read bits of the 5 languages of love and his is about touch : mine isn't but as we do things in different ways I have sex. Basically like you said no sex to him is like me not being spoken to or not being cuddled :so I feel I have to acknowledge this. Sex means different things to different folk . It's fab if it means the same thing to a couple but within a relationship it can mean different things and only by working on knowing this have we been able to sort things out. That's why I can't completely go with if a woman does not want sex she shouldn't have to as I would never have sex and that would mean completely ignoring my dh needs whilst getting my own met. So I admit I do when I don't want to and that isn't because I think I'm on the 1950 s it's because of the above! In the past I've felt huge guilt for not wanting to and seeing it as a chore as well as taking on the view that I shouldn't have to if I don't want to of much of today's thinking /,women's rights but I think it can be more subtle than theses clear stances; over time we have worked this out! Thankyou so much for your post!

Most . Thankyou. Have tried those things over the years I really have. Sometimes it's gone wrong as I have felt pressure . For me to try to meet that need is an expression of love in itself . Similar to I go to work for money as I love my dh and kids. He gets that I do it as a recognition of how he feels loved. He gets it that not a great one for sexual intamacy and the reasons why. It's the best we can do .

Most . Why won't it meet his needs in the long term? Help!

Doesn't it bother him that he is having sex with you while you dont want it?

My Dh would find that a complete turn off tbh, he just isn't interested if I'm not.

It's really not the same as making someone a cup of tea.