To be upset re having to tell MIL I'm pregnant before we tell my parents?

[Orlea]

I'm about 8/9 weeks along, haven't had first midwife appt yet (tomorrow), let alone first scan (two weeks away). I've posted before about DH wanting to tell his mum I'm pregnant almost as soon as we found out and me not wanting to tell anyone at all, including my parents, til I was a good bit further along. We wanted to tell both sets of parents face to face rather than phone, and are going to tell them to keep it quiet until after the first scan.

I would rather have kept it quiet all round til the scan, i.e. another two weeks, but as my parents live a long way off and we're only going to see them this weekend and won't see them for another month or two after that, we're telling them then, i.e. Friday night. We agreed that we'd tell MIL at 'about' the same time, and more specifically agreed, without me twisting DH's arm or anything, that we'd tell my parents first for various reasons (not least because I'm the one who's all overly emotional and hormonal and needy pregnant, not him, and I want to tell my parents first as they are more important to me than MIL, who is lovely, but we aren't close). If it were at all possible to tell them at exactly the same time, we would have, but it's logistically impossible.

So I am upset as DH has just arranged (as in, in the last half hour) for MIL to visit tomorrow night, which means she will be told before we see my parents (DH's words: Mum's coming to stay tomorrow night so we can tell her then). This is #1, I'm nervous, scared, worried etc, and feel like DH has deliberately arranged MIL to visit before we see my parents, just to get in there first...

I'm struggling to articulate how I feel more clearly than just 'upset' - slightly cheated, slightly side-lined (both myself and for my parents), jealous as MIL always gets preferential treatment (not her fault for the most part), like DH is stealing the thunder of telling my parents by getting in first with MIL... It does feel like DH is trying to 'win' by getting in first. I know I'm probably overreacting but it is important to me and I am quite upset. AIBU or just hormonal and therefore U (and if so will it stop? Please?!)? Honestly, if I could stop feeling like this about something that probably isn't a huge deal and get over myself, I would, but I'm struggling! I've been quite up and down this week anyway but feeling really upset at this right now, and probably blowing it out of all proportion, but... Should perhaps point out that as MIL lives a lot nearer and is a lot younger, she will be much more involved and sees us a lot more often anyway, so if there was a time to put my parents first, this could have been it.

So AIBU to be upset about having to tell MIL first, and/or pissed off and upset that DH has engineered things to happen this way? And if IABU, please tell me how I can stop feeling like this!

What a deeply depressing thread :(
Does it really matter?
When the child is 18/19/20 will you even care/remember who told who first?

IME telling people about my pregnancy was a huge anticlimax, in general. Try not to invest so much in stage managing it. The point is the having of a baby, not the announcing of a pregnancy and my experience was that it meant a lot more to me than to everyone else!
Congratulations by the way!

Mad they see his parents all the time, hers once in a blue moon. His will get to see the baby first, hers second. His are younger, will be more involved and likely to spend lots more time with the baby. Telling hers first just seems like it would be the nice thing to do. Which he agreed to.

Exactly Badvoc.

Just because he is the father of the baby doesn't give him the right to share details of your pregnancy to anyone he fancies telling.

At 8/9 wks this is a private medical condition within the OP's body. She is not an incubator for the fruit of his loins. She and only she has the right to have it made public.

Congratulations Orlea

I think your husband is being a bit of a prat because you're obviously really feeling this at the moment.

I was thinking to myself 'does it really matter' but then I thought to myself, if it shouldn't really matter to you it shouldn't to him either. And you are right, you are pregnant so you will be feeling a bit vulnerable and sensitive so really, he should be being a bit more supportive, and if it makes you feel a bit happier and more secure then he should back you up.

In 10 years time it won't matter to him whether you told his Mum first or not, but right now you really need him to back you up so YANBU.

Ha ha good point TerryPratchet about DH only even knowing about the pregnancy because the op told him

YANBU

For whatever reason, your wishes should be taken into consideration, not least because of the upset it is causing you.

Even if it can be classed as 'just hormones' your DH should respect you over this.

FWIW, I cant remember who we told first :)

Congratulations btw and I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly.

I wonder how the conversation will go if OPs parents decide they would like to travel and stay near them around the time of the birth. Or if her mother offers to be present for the birth or wait in the hospital?

Will OP decide that the agreement of the in laws meeting the baby first still stand, or is she likely to decide that as her parents are more important to her they can visit first?

I'd be willing to bet that agreements wouldn't matter quite so much to her if that happened.

Start the arguing now re who you tell first when baby arrives, who sees baby first, where you spend baby first Christmas, arrangements for christening, first birthday etc.

Why do your parents get to hear first? It's your dh's baby too and he's excited and wants to tell his mum which is completely natural. Stop being so weird about it and enjoy the excitement.

Can't help feeling that op's mother isn't helping the situation.....why would she tell op that she's feeling 'sad' or 'jealous' unless she was, possibly subconsciously, trying to cause a divide between op and her mil?

As you were.....

Can't you just say, "no, we'll be telling my parents first as agreed"?

The baby might be both of theirs but the pregnancy is hers. The morning sickness, swollen things, heartburn, labour, all hers. I got a lot of support from my Mum about the pregnancy and childbirth. Relevant support as her experience was very similar to mine.

Why does only the DH get to make the decisions in this marriage ? He has decided to go back on the original plan, he has unilaterally decided that mIL is coming to stay without checking whether that works for OP.

OP, between you and DH you need to figure put how you are going to work together on this. The baby is also your DH's , but that doesn't mean that your body becomes public (or his) property.

When I was pg with ds1 we told pils first as they were the closest on the way back from the hospital after having the scan.
It simply NEVER crossed my mind that my parents "should" be first and it didn't bother my parents at all either.

Will someone please get the OP a crown and a throne.....she is PREGNANT!!!!

DailyBread do you always spout such bollocks?

OP YAbu. Whilst in an ideal world it would be nice to tell your mum first maybe, it's not the ideal scenario where that can happen, unless you phone her.

It seems important to you now, but really, in the greater scheme of things it's not a huge issue.

I have to disagree I am also about 8 weeks as totally get where you are coming from, even down to the MIL living nearer. This is an important moment - you want to do it face to face as you want to tell your parents first. I cat understand why anyone would think this is unreasonable!

OP just tell your partner that it's nice your MIL is coming round but you WON'T be informing of her of the news on the day. End of. I can't see how he can force you to do it and if he does he is a right nob.

Let us know what you decide
X

What is it with you lot? Sucking the joy and fun out of everything. Christmas, just for children. Pregnancy, no big deal. Birthdays, fuck you. Valentine's, commercial shit. Labour, suck it up princess. Anniversaries, stupid nonsense. Holidays, your DH should go alone, what are you, a needy weirdo? Nights out, no fun for you, you're a parent.

The OP was looking forward to telling her parents. Her DH knew and made sure his were first. She's actually going through the pregnancy.

"well your parents may be more important to you than his but hey guess what, his parents are more important to him than yours, this is how it works.

All this "my body my baby" crap is just a convenient excuse rolled out by women to justify their behaving like over-entitled spoilt brats during pregnancy and it's just a crock of shite really. It's not just op's baby it's the dh's baby too, just as much so. In fact given he doesn't get to carry it, doesn't get to feel it moving first, doesn't get to bond with it in quite the same way as the mother during pregnancy I would say that something like telling his parents first is the one thing he should have a bit of control over if that's what he wants.

And just a cautionary note op - try not to over anticipate the big announcement, I imagine you have in your mind atm how it will go, the excitement, the reaction etc, and in truth there's every chance it will be nothing like that."

Well said Wannabe. Hate this precious pregnant lady stuff. Milliions of women get pregnant every day, some just go on like usual whilst others turn into spoilt brats who expect everything their own way and god forbid they have to do anything!

Its quite depressing knowing your future DIL will always see you as second best grandparent and that your son will be in the wrong should he still be close to his parents.

ladymariner, my thoughts too.

Good grief.

Agree with MrsTerryPratchett! It's so coooool lately to be miserable as fuck!