To be upset re having to tell MIL I'm pregnant before we tell my parents?

[Orlea]

I'm about 8/9 weeks along, haven't had first midwife appt yet (tomorrow), let alone first scan (two weeks away). I've posted before about DH wanting to tell his mum I'm pregnant almost as soon as we found out and me not wanting to tell anyone at all, including my parents, til I was a good bit further along. We wanted to tell both sets of parents face to face rather than phone, and are going to tell them to keep it quiet until after the first scan.

I would rather have kept it quiet all round til the scan, i.e. another two weeks, but as my parents live a long way off and we're only going to see them this weekend and won't see them for another month or two after that, we're telling them then, i.e. Friday night. We agreed that we'd tell MIL at 'about' the same time, and more specifically agreed, without me twisting DH's arm or anything, that we'd tell my parents first for various reasons (not least because I'm the one who's all overly emotional and hormonal and needy pregnant, not him, and I want to tell my parents first as they are more important to me than MIL, who is lovely, but we aren't close). If it were at all possible to tell them at exactly the same time, we would have, but it's logistically impossible.

So I am upset as DH has just arranged (as in, in the last half hour) for MIL to visit tomorrow night, which means she will be told before we see my parents (DH's words: Mum's coming to stay tomorrow night so we can tell her then). This is #1, I'm nervous, scared, worried etc, and feel like DH has deliberately arranged MIL to visit before we see my parents, just to get in there first...

I'm struggling to articulate how I feel more clearly than just 'upset' - slightly cheated, slightly side-lined (both myself and for my parents), jealous as MIL always gets preferential treatment (not her fault for the most part), like DH is stealing the thunder of telling my parents by getting in first with MIL... It does feel like DH is trying to 'win' by getting in first. I know I'm probably overreacting but it is important to me and I am quite upset. AIBU or just hormonal and therefore U (and if so will it stop? Please?!)? Honestly, if I could stop feeling like this about something that probably isn't a huge deal and get over myself, I would, but I'm struggling! I've been quite up and down this week anyway but feeling really upset at this right now, and probably blowing it out of all proportion, but... Should perhaps point out that as MIL lives a lot nearer and is a lot younger, she will be much more involved and sees us a lot more often anyway, so if there was a time to put my parents first, this could have been it.

So AIBU to be upset about having to tell MIL first, and/or pissed off and upset that DH has engineered things to happen this way? And if IABU, please tell me how I can stop feeling like this!

Was going to say that Op was BU. I think we told my husbands parents just before mine on Christmas Day as we popped in to see them first.

But someone said if they had a daughter then they would love to be one of the first to know and possibly before the MIL (especially if both were being told very close together) or they might feel a little hurt. Sounds silly but thinking bout it i can understand that at an emotional level whether it's kind of silly or not.

As for parents and inlaws and being close - all depends. I was more excited at telling my inlaws at it was their first and possibly only GC. Spent more time with them as well and they had more time for my children than my own parents.

This seems really clear cut to me- the pregnant woman decides whom to tell and when.

I told my boss and head of HR first for various specific reasons, friends after first scan, then my mother and grandfather. I never told any of his family. I assume OH must have done at some point.

I can never see why these things matter or why people have 'grand announcements'. I can't think who we told first on any of our 3 births. I would just phone them both up one after the other before you see any of them- job done.
As a prospective grandparent I can't see why it was important which set of parents knew first and would be very surprised to find the prospective parents arguing about it!

Cant the Op just arrange for all of the parents/pil to visit at the same time?

Do your parents use skype? That would be one way round it. I told my mum by phone both times as we live far away. First time at 12 weeks and second as soon as I'd told my husband. I think it must be a hormonal thing though as looking back I think "did it really matter" Your mum will be happy either way. I would phone your mum though so she can get the news before your MIL.

Ok, so a question for all those who don't agree that a pregnant woman should have any say over the dissemination of information about her pregnancy.

No one is saying she shouldn't have any say. Just that they should both have equal say.

And as it turns out that both sets of parents are going to be told within a couple of days of each other, it's really not that big a deal.

For all we know, the Ops mil wouldn't have been able to know about the pregnancy at roughly the same time as OPs Mum if it couldn't be done on this day. Maybe she is busy and won't be able to see her ds and DIL for another week after tomorrow, and if that is the case then the DH is just sticking to the agreement to tell them at about the same time.

But to answer your question about the insemination thing, if I were in that position and I wanted to tel my mum then I would. Because when I got married I merged my life with that of my DH, so his news is my news and vice versa. I would think he was being a twat if he tried to stop me from telling because his own mum didn't know, especially when he has access to the wonders of a telephone and could tell himself anytime he wanted to.

Inertia that is not quite the same. But I think the OP is being a bit unreasonable, so I'll try and engage with you on this! And yes, if the hypothetical man you are talking about is announcing a pregnancy, and insists his parents are told first, he would be unreasonable. They are a couple. Unless they arrange for their parents to come to the house at the same time, one side will be told first. Sometimes it's circumstances as to which set of parents it would.

And I don't agree with posters saying the woman has more rights because she's the pregnant one. How unfair. Without her DH, there wouldn't be a pregnancy to be announcing to anyone full stop.

YANBU!! I personally feel that if you are going through the pregnancy which is very hard work physically (and hormonally!) that your husband should respect your wishes for this request. Yes it is his baby too but he is not having to deal with the mood swings, sickness and generally feeling awful. Why not just let you tell your parents first if it will make you happy?

Wait till 12 weeks. Synchronise mobile calls, stick em on speaker and shout!

Job done!

Ok. Neither of you want to tell your parents over the phone if the other lot are being told face to face. Neither of you want your parents to be the last to know. There are only three possible outcomes to this:

1. You see them both together and tell them both face to face at the same time (seems unlikely to happen).

1. You phone them and tell them at the same time, compromising on the face to face thing.

1. One of you is hurt / upset / angry.

Now you could argue that 3. shouldn't be happening because your dh had already agreed to tell your parents first. But now he is obviously having second thoughts. Have you asked him why he invited his mum over? I suggest you have an adult conversation where you remind him what he agreed on and ask why he specifically wants his mum to come over and to tell her before your parents. If he says that he thought it would be ok when he agreed but is now really regretting it and feels awful about your parents knowing first, then you have to come to some kind of compromise. I suggest 2. If he's just being a dick about it then tell him so and make him stick to your original plan.

Oh, and this really really honestly isn't worth the angst.

If my son's lovely girlfriend were pregnant I would expect her to tell her mother first. It seems so natural.

I really disagree the OP is being unreasonable. She is pregnant, feeling a bit vulnerable and has a million hormones flying around. She's entitled to feel a bit sensitive on these issues for exactly that reason.

But he has no reason other than being a bit pathetic.

People keep saying they should have equal say, but if she gives into him it's 100% his way, not 50/50. And she has the more valid reason for doing it her way.

I'm with usual, announce it on Facebook

With ds2 , our 3rd, everyone found out much sooner than expected because our dc knew ( I had such bad sickness it was impossible for them not to notice) but we told them it was a secret. Ds1 was great but our dd blabbed!! We were at my mil house for dinner and she said in a really loud stage whisper, Nana, don't tell anyone but my mummy has a baby in her tummy!!! Ssshhhh!! Of course there were assorted relatives all round the table who then knew as well.
Cue gales of laughter and me phoning my parents to let them know. Mind you, I was probably about 10 weeks by then.
Anyway, I just think it probably isn't worth too much worrying over and your parents will still be delighted, no matter when they are told.

caitlin why did you feel it was ok to tell who you wanted, but not your husband. If you didn't tell them, how do you know he didn't tell them first? Just wondering.....

We don't know that he has no reason other than being a bit pathetic, we only have one side of the story.

It could be that he wants to tell his mum sooner because he won't get the chance to see her again for another week or more.

If she gives in to him it's not 100% his way at all. They had initially wanted to wait for a bit longer but OP has decided to reduce the time they wait because she has arranged to see her parents before the scan so she wants to tell them then.

If he gives in to her, then it really is 100% her way and still won't be 50/50, and seeing as how she gets 99.9% of the control over this pregnancy it really wouldn't be that much to ask for her to just let him have this one tiny thing which he's only asking for because of when OP has arranged to see her parents anyway.

Why is pregnancy always cited as an excuse on here? It doesn't wash in this situation. It's their news to share, it may be in her body but it's their baby. It's not a pregnancy or birth related decision which would be totally understandable.

Totally agree candy

Absolutely DEFINITELY phone your parents and tell them.

Just do it.

YANBU and I agree with DailyBread.

It' is a bigger deal to have a pregnant daughter than to have a son who is going to be a Dad - different once the baby is born.

Why on earth do you think this? What difference does the gender of your child having a child possibly make?

Do your parents have skype? if they do that would be another option other than the phone, congratulations though!!!

Yanbu.

I agree with MrsTerryPratchet and other.

Your Dh has gone back on your agreement.

His DM will see the baby before your parents. I completely understand why you want to tell your own DM in person and that it is a day or two before your in laws.

I remember back to being excitedly newly pregnant and have lovely memories of breaking the news. I wanted to tell my best friend first and I did with no regrets.

My ds can break this type of news however and to whomever they like. I hope he follows his partner's wishes.

You know what? I can't actually remember now whether I told my mum and dad face to face or down the phone anymore. I know I left it to DP to tell his mum.

I do understand about it being a bit of a weird time though.

The single most important thing is and and (rather a lot into the future...) on your pregnancy. Best wishes.

So you're telling your PIL tomorrow night, and your parents on Friday night. One day.

YABU to think it remotely matters who was told first, especially if there's only one day in it.

And if you would be "upset" if a future DD's ILs were told before you, then you would BU then as well, that would be very precious.

However YANBU at all to be cross at your DH going back on your agreement, that's not on, and sounds indicative of a bigger problem.