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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset re having to tell MIL I'm pregnant before we tell my parents?

322 replies

Orlea · 26/02/2014 11:29

I'm about 8/9 weeks along, haven't had first midwife appt yet (tomorrow), let alone first scan (two weeks away). I've posted before about DH wanting to tell his mum I'm pregnant almost as soon as we found out and me not wanting to tell anyone at all, including my parents, til I was a good bit further along. We wanted to tell both sets of parents face to face rather than phone, and are going to tell them to keep it quiet until after the first scan.

I would rather have kept it quiet all round til the scan, i.e. another two weeks, but as my parents live a long way off and we're only going to see them this weekend and won't see them for another month or two after that, we're telling them then, i.e. Friday night. We agreed that we'd tell MIL at 'about' the same time, and more specifically agreed, without me twisting DH's arm or anything, that we'd tell my parents first for various reasons (not least because I'm the one who's all overly emotional and hormonal and needy pregnant, not him, and I want to tell my parents first as they are more important to me than MIL, who is lovely, but we aren't close). If it were at all possible to tell them at exactly the same time, we would have, but it's logistically impossible.

So I am upset as DH has just arranged (as in, in the last half hour) for MIL to visit tomorrow night, which means she will be told before we see my parents (DH's words: Mum's coming to stay tomorrow night so we can tell her then). This is #1, I'm nervous, scared, worried etc, and feel like DH has deliberately arranged MIL to visit before we see my parents, just to get in there first...

I'm struggling to articulate how I feel more clearly than just 'upset' - slightly cheated, slightly side-lined (both myself and for my parents), jealous as MIL always gets preferential treatment (not her fault for the most part), like DH is stealing the thunder of telling my parents by getting in first with MIL... It does feel like DH is trying to 'win' by getting in first. I know I'm probably overreacting but it is important to me and I am quite upset. AIBU or just hormonal and therefore U (and if so will it stop? Please?!)? Honestly, if I could stop feeling like this about something that probably isn't a huge deal and get over myself, I would, but I'm struggling! I've been quite up and down this week anyway but feeling really upset at this right now, and probably blowing it out of all proportion, but... Should perhaps point out that as MIL lives a lot nearer and is a lot younger, she will be much more involved and sees us a lot more often anyway, so if there was a time to put my parents first, this could have been it.

So AIBU to be upset about having to tell MIL first, and/or pissed off and upset that DH has engineered things to happen this way? And if IABU, please tell me how I can stop feeling like this!

OP posts:
Lamu · 26/02/2014 20:38

Does it really matter? In twenty years time I doubt you would remember who was t

Caitlin17 · 26/02/2014 20:38

ladymariner He was not close to either of his parents who were separated. His mother and brother didn't like me. There was no reason to tell them any of them at an early stage. It wasn't as if mil was pleased to hear it.

Caitlin17 · 26/02/2014 20:41

ladymariner husband was in full agreement it was none of their business to be told in advance of the rest of the world.

Lamu · 26/02/2014 20:43

....told first. I think you're being a bit unreasonable. Why should your feelings trump your OH? FWIW I announced to my Dbro and Dsil when I was 3 weeks no one else knew till I was at least 4.5 months gone. Have some Cake and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

AmberLeaf · 26/02/2014 20:44

Can't be arsed to scroll back and re-read, but is there a reason why your DHs parents can't come over when your parents visit and tell them all at the same time?

If this is merely a logistical issue, then wouldn't that solve it?

Mintyy · 26/02/2014 21:03

I've only skimmed it but I think this might be the ultimate Mumsnet MIL bashing thread Grin.

Op, I look back on this from the advanced aged of 51 (quite probably older than your parents and inlaws) and say please please don't make a big fuss about small stuff like this!

As the parent of a girl and a boy ... I don't know what to think! What if neither of my dc have children? What if one or both of them are gay so conventional family relationships go out the window? What if I die before any grandchildren are born? What if they grow up to hate me and cut me off forever?

Don't make assumptions about anything in your life. Try to relax and open your mind to all possibilities. Try to go with the flow. Try to accommodate people and their foibles as much as you can because one day someone might be spiting you for something you weren't aware was a problem. Try to be mature and grown up and magnanimous. Try to be pleased if there are a lot of family members who want to be "involved" in your pregnancy.

maddening · 26/02/2014 21:07

electryon - presume it's a bigger deal to have a pg daughter than a son with a pg partner as your daughter is going through a pregnancy which is not without it's dangers and birth - again not guaranteed to be smooth and a potential danger to your daughter's health - I have no issues with my mil2b but I did notice that both during pg and birth (when she phoned for updates) that she asked how the baby was first - my mum's primary concern was for me as to her I am not just the incubated of her bc.

WorraLiberty · 26/02/2014 21:09

What Mintyy said with bells on.

You've got many years ahead of you and this (one day) will be a distant memory...if you remember it at all.

Really don't sweat the small stuff or you'll end up alienating the people you might one day need.

ladymariner · 26/02/2014 21:11

Well said minty

Blistory · 26/02/2014 21:15

Congratulations on your pregnancy, OP.

It's not sexist to recognise that pregnancy has an impact on women that it doesn't on men. It's entirely normal, rational and sensible to worry more as a parent about a pregnant daughter than a son whose partner is pregnant. The daughter is the one facing the physical risks that come with pregnancy, the son doesn't have any of that.

Are we not allowed to recognise that this is the OP's first child and it is her that has to get through the pregnancy, good and bad ? I agree that pregnancy isn't an excuse to be a spoilt princess but there's no indication that is what the OP is being. Pregnancy is a big deal - it brings life into the world, it wreaks havoc with a woman's body, it's one of the most risky things a woman will do in her life. That's a pretty big deal.

Heaven forbid that women are allowed to celebrate the one experience that is unique to them as women because it might just upset the feelings of the man involved.

JodieGarberJacob · 26/02/2014 21:18

Another op that makes me despair about the futile, pathetic things that fill other people's lives.

Capitola · 26/02/2014 21:19

Blimey OP, what a silly drama over something so trivial.

Mumsnet has made me dread becoming a MIL, really it has.

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 26/02/2014 21:19

I've only skimmed it but I think this might be the ultimate Mumsnet MIL bashing thread

Really?

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 26/02/2014 21:25

I couldn't tell my parents first as they had both passed away. So my sister was the first to know, followed swiftly by my lovely MIL. TBH I don't think I gave much thought to who we told first.

GinSoakedMisery · 26/02/2014 21:26

I have three sons, there is no hope for me!

Sharaluck · 26/02/2014 21:30

Yanbu

I don't know what the dynamics of your marriage are but there is no way this would happen with me.

You are pregnant. If you don't feel confident to tell then that is your perogative. Your dh is sounding at best insensitive and at worst a bully.

If he doesn't changed his mind I think in your position I would refuse to go.

Flowers
SeaSickSal · 26/02/2014 21:31

I only have a son but I would feel mortified if his wife wanted to tell her parents first but was made to tell me.

I don't see why she should have to phone them, she wants to tell them face to face. She will only tell them once, it's a really special thing. He shouldn't tell his Mum, he should let her tell her parents first face to face.

myroomisatip · 26/02/2014 21:35

I agree with this post:

DailyBread Wed 26-Feb-14 16:05:43

This isn't an equal thing at all. A pregnancy is an incredible experience, hugely different and immensely unique. Surely it is not asking too much of any man to defer to his pregnant wife/partner over something she feels strongly about?

It isn't as if the OP is demanding his parents are not told! And yes, he has gone back on their agreement.

In my hormone fuelled pregnancy I might have killed my (ex) DH for that. As it was I almost came to blows with some poor lady trying to sell us a new kitchen. Blush

OP... YADNBU

bodybooboo · 26/02/2014 21:36

oh goodness me. really. you are being very ridiculous and daft op.

no one will remember who was told what and when and by who in a years time.

it's not a big deal. ring them both.

and I don't mean to be mean but please do try to he a but more mature. I wish my lovely mil had lived to see my youngest dd.

this is your family. your mil and fil are part of your family.

Sharaluck · 26/02/2014 21:36

And if you want to delay telling anyone until after your scan you should! Does your dh know that this is what is usually done? What is the rush in telling?

Caitlin17 · 26/02/2014 21:41

SeaSickSalI have a son and I couldnt imagine
his gf/wife,if he had one, not telingl her mother first before I was told.

His current gf is very close to her mother I'm sure if she told me the first thing I'd say after congratulations would be to ask "what did your mother say."

myroomisatip · 26/02/2014 21:43

Mintyy Wed 26-Feb-14 21:03:47

Fair enough, I get what you are saying, but to me, that is really a dreadful thought.... a lot of 'family members involved in my pregnancy'!!!! WTF?

I am a very very private person! I would run for the hills to think of people thinking that could be involved in my pregnancy! yuk!

It was six months before I told most people and that was pregnant because by then I was beginning to show.

I would wish to choose who was involved, it is a very personal and private thing and if my DH had disregarded my wishes over this, well, it would have made me very unhappy. He is my Ex now but, blimey, reading some of these threads makes me think he was not so bad after all!

myroomisatip · 26/02/2014 21:44

I also wonder how many women posting here have actually been pregnant.

Purplepoodle · 26/02/2014 21:47

We have the same parent situation. Mine live a short flight away and inlaws live within a 10min drive. We ended up ringing my parents in the car on the way to tell the pils, as we thought it was a nice compromise.

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 26/02/2014 21:47

No its not the ultimate MIL bashing thread, quite a long way off.

because one day someone might be spiting you for something you weren't aware was a problem
As far as I can tell its the DH who is being petty and spiteful, and renegade on their arrangement.

It may seem like a small deal to some, but from what op has said about the total prioritisation of his family over hears, now in the past and proably in the future....its one small thing to give them a little favour for a change.

WOOWOO ops parents live a plane ride away, his don;t, her parents are a decade older, they see his parents all the time. Even if her parents travelled to the birth, his parents will utlimalty always have more to do with this child.

Op it sounds like you are being bullied, I wouldn't put up with it.

You have been pushed on issues in the past, this is your pregnancy, you stand firm.