To be upset re having to tell MIL I'm pregnant before we tell my parents?

[Orlea]

I'm about 8/9 weeks along, haven't had first midwife appt yet (tomorrow), let alone first scan (two weeks away). I've posted before about DH wanting to tell his mum I'm pregnant almost as soon as we found out and me not wanting to tell anyone at all, including my parents, til I was a good bit further along. We wanted to tell both sets of parents face to face rather than phone, and are going to tell them to keep it quiet until after the first scan.

I would rather have kept it quiet all round til the scan, i.e. another two weeks, but as my parents live a long way off and we're only going to see them this weekend and won't see them for another month or two after that, we're telling them then, i.e. Friday night. We agreed that we'd tell MIL at 'about' the same time, and more specifically agreed, without me twisting DH's arm or anything, that we'd tell my parents first for various reasons (not least because I'm the one who's all overly emotional and hormonal and needy pregnant, not him, and I want to tell my parents first as they are more important to me than MIL, who is lovely, but we aren't close). If it were at all possible to tell them at exactly the same time, we would have, but it's logistically impossible.

So I am upset as DH has just arranged (as in, in the last half hour) for MIL to visit tomorrow night, which means she will be told before we see my parents (DH's words: Mum's coming to stay tomorrow night so we can tell her then). This is #1, I'm nervous, scared, worried etc, and feel like DH has deliberately arranged MIL to visit before we see my parents, just to get in there first...

I'm struggling to articulate how I feel more clearly than just 'upset' - slightly cheated, slightly side-lined (both myself and for my parents), jealous as MIL always gets preferential treatment (not her fault for the most part), like DH is stealing the thunder of telling my parents by getting in first with MIL... It does feel like DH is trying to 'win' by getting in first. I know I'm probably overreacting but it is important to me and I am quite upset. AIBU or just hormonal and therefore U (and if so will it stop? Please?!)? Honestly, if I could stop feeling like this about something that probably isn't a huge deal and get over myself, I would, but I'm struggling! I've been quite up and down this week anyway but feeling really upset at this right now, and probably blowing it out of all proportion, but... Should perhaps point out that as MIL lives a lot nearer and is a lot younger, she will be much more involved and sees us a lot more often anyway, so if there was a time to put my parents first, this could have been it.

So AIBU to be upset about having to tell MIL first, and/or pissed off and upset that DH has engineered things to happen this way? And if IABU, please tell me how I can stop feeling like this!

YANBU at all.

As far as I am concerned, as the pregnant one, you get to choose the order of events. I'd cancel the MIL visit, or be out. I would absolutely NOT be pushed into announcing news like this when I didn't want to. I'm quite fuming on your behalf actually!

Assuming it's your first baby, the 'telling your parents' is a really special / scary / weirdly nerve inducing thing..

(and yes, I know it's just as important for the bloke as well, but I don't care!).

I think Matilda's suggestion of a bit of plain speaking, is a good idea

"could you say to your DH 'look I'm a bit pissed off about this. Seeing as your parents are clearly going to get to see the baby first can my parents just have this 'first' instead and be told I'm pregnant before your mum? He'd be a bit unreasonable to want his mum and dad to do EVERYTHING first"

Congratulations on your pregnancy Orlea!

Yanbu. Don't tell her. Threaten dh that you will correct him in front of MIL and say you have had a miscarriage that morning if he opens his mouth. Your body and your decision who and when you decide to share your pregnancy with. He needs to get some respect for his pregnant wife.

we're telling them then, i.e. Friday night. We agreed that we'd tell MIL at 'about' the same time, and more specifically agreed, without me twisting DH's arm or anything, that we'd tell my parents first for various reasons

What kind of various reasons? I see no good reason at all why your DH should hold off telling his mum until you've told yours, and I think it's a bit princessy of you to expect it. You might not be particularly close to her, but he obviously is. I would understand if you'd said you are not ready for anyone to know yet, but this is not about that, it's about placing your parents on a higher pedestal than his mother in terms of importance to you, DH and your future child.

I feel like DH has deliberately arranged MIL to visit before we see my parents, just to get in there first...

But it's ok for you to make him wait before telling his mother so you could get in first?

It does feel like DH is trying to 'win' by getting in first. I know I'm probably overreacting but it is important to me and I am quite upset

But that's exactly what you were trying to do! You are over-reacting, you know you are. It's a lovely happy time for both of you - you both deserve to be excited. His mum knowing a few hours before your parents isn't going to make a blind bit of difference to anyone - least of all to how you feel and how they react when you tell them. Stop turning something lovely into petty battle.

If you really must tell them first then just ring them.

YANBU

YABU and you know it, I think. Not MiL's fault you live so far from your parents and don't see them often.

I think you have every right to feel as you do. You want to tell your mum this life changing news first because she is by far more important to you than your MIL. Could you not tell DH that you feel really strongly about this and it is one he should let you have. Two weeks til the scan? Couldn't you see your MIL again within the next four weeks to tell her - or tell her by phone?

I Most Definitely would not tell my parents by phone if I were you. You want to see their reaction. If you have to tell MIL first, then just remember your mum and dad are hearing it for the first time from you - in person - and they will be over the moon.

Hmmm.... I get the feeling (ever so slightly) that your dp may be a bit of a 'mummy's boy and needs to learn to put his new family first?

What, by sidelining his own mother in favour of his wife's parents? Right, because that's what happens in most marriages, as dictated (ever so subtly but forcefully) by the wife, who for reasons she can never quite articulate just thinks that her parents are automatically entitled to more quality time and greater rights as the Alpha Grandparents, by dint of being related to her.

Your DH sounds like a bit of a dick tbh,why did he have to sneak around inviting mil over? I wouldn't be happy about that and I would tell him so.YOU have just as much a say in this as he does so tell him that you don't want him to tell his mum until you have seen your parents.Like you say,mil is going to be far more involved than your dp's are,what's his problem?
He needs to sort out his competitive thing out,or you will be a wreck by the end of your pregnancy.I wonder if he'll be such an arse when it comes to picking a name?

Is it not going to be life changing for her DH too then? does he not have a need to tell his mother for the same reasons? I thought this baby was going to have two parents.

Threads like this are depressing.

No woman ever got pregnant alone, it always takes the help of a man! yet so many women seem to think that men are irrelevant to the whole thing.

We expect men to take responsibility for the children they create, to love them, to put them first, to pay for them to care for them, and when they don't we rightly call them twats.

But women can't have it all ways and be the one to dictate everything just because they get to play the 'I have a uterus' card.

If we want our children's fathers to be invloved in their lives and responsible for them both emotionally and financially then we really shouldn't treat them as insignificant sperm donors until the time that nature allows them to physically care for these children themselves.

The hypocrisy when women say that they feel like incubators just because their partner wants to have some involvement in the gestation of their own child is astounding.

I'm glad some more sensible people have turned up for you OP.

Ignore the vipers. In the real world I am certain YANBU and positive everyone I know would agree with you.

You know what? If he did go ahead and tell her, I'd say to him, in front of her "We decided we weren't saying anything till after the scan. I'm really annoyed you've broken our agreement and gone against my wishes. I feel very disrespected."

Then I'd sit back and watch him squirm in front of mummy.

WooWoo, I think you've taken one aspect of the OP and ignored the rest. Do you really think it's ok that her husband is planning to tell his mother about the pregnancy against his wife's wishes? When they agreed they'd wait? When she wants to wait? You don't think he sounds pathetic at all, arranging a visit ahead of her parents just so he can get in first?

Orlea - a lot of what I think has already been said on here, so I will just tell you this:

Due to us living a long way from them, I told my parents about each pregnancy by phone - and I promise you that they were just as excited, and it was just as lovely a moment as it would have been, had we been able to tell them face to face.

So ring your mum and tell her - on the same day as your dh is telling his parents, for the sake of family harmony - and it will be a lovely moment, I promise.

YANBU, your DH sounds like a petulant arse.

Why would anyone tell their family or anyone else (H&S excepted) that they were pregnant before the scan? It's the fact that he has changed the agreed arrangement and told you as an afterthought that rings alarm bells. My DH is ace, my MiL is also ace, but if DH and I had agreed on a time scale to let various people know important news and DH then wandered off on his own agenda, I would be pissed off.

That said, if you want your DM and DDad to know first, then you'll have to call them, but I'd be having serious words with DH. If he can't keep a small agreement like this, then how can you expect him to stick to big ones?

Will there be a repeat performance of this when the baby is born?

Fact is, at this point, the DH only knows about the pregnancy because OP told him.

OP, I was married to a Mummy's boy who wanted all the time with his mother and prioritized his parents over mine constantly. It's annoying and it won't change. Either Skype your parents first or learn to live with it.

If you see MIL all the time, surely you could tell yours then tell his the week after.

Bread, they have both decided to go back on the agreement about waiting until after the scan because they are seeing OPs parents before the scan and she wants to tell them when she sees them.

So actually, it's her that's doing something against what they had agreed together, so why does she get the right to say that the bit of the agreement she wants to keep matters but the other bit doesn't?

It's impossible to say if the DH is being pathetic by arranging a get together with his parents first, especially if they have regular get togethers anyway. And even if he has done it deliberately, why shouldn't he?

OP arranged to see her parents before the scan had happened, and either way, she has no right to tell him when he can and can't see his own Mum.

Just announce it on FB.

Oh I feel for you OP. The issue here isn't really down to who knows first it's more to do with your DH organising for his mum to visit the night before you visit your parents so she can be told first. It doesn't really matter who is told first, but I'd be a bit annoyed with that too, especially as you already had agreed how to go about telling people.

I would call your parents and tell them on Thursday just before your MIL comes over. Then everyone gets to know at the same time. In my experience, it doesn't really change anything. I told my dad and sister over the phone and my husband skyped with his parents to tell them.

Once everything is out in the open and you've had your scan, you'll forget what all the fuss was about.

Good luck OP.

Will no-one think of the baby???

This unseemly tug of war bodes extremely ill for when s/he is actually born.

I didn't read to the end of the thread so sorry if this is a repeat.

If his parents dont have any contact with your parents then how does it matter who knows first? It won't make any difference at all.

As someone who has suffered recurrent miscarriage i would advise to to take. Step back and look at whats actually important in this situation.

1. The health of your baby
2. Your health

If you genuinely want to see your mums face when you tell her then is it really worth doing it over the phone just so she knows before MIL? i think thats what they call cutting off your nose to spite your face

Stop getting stressed out about something so irrelevant and maybe go an visit your parents on your own once in a while rather than waiting 6months for your DH to visit too? It sounds like some marriage guidance counselling would do you both the world of good before you bring a child into this world together.

Let them have a race, winner gets to know first.

OP, I was married to a Mummy's boy who wanted all the time with his mother and prioritized his parents over mine constantly.

There's a strange irony there....

So a man who prioritises his parents over his in-laws is a mummy's boy, but a women who prioritises her parents over her in-laws and expects her DH to do the same is...what, exactly?

lol will no-one think of the baby...
pah.. rubbish.

OP - YANBU xxx