To be upset re having to tell MIL I'm pregnant before we tell my parents?

[Orlea]

I'm about 8/9 weeks along, haven't had first midwife appt yet (tomorrow), let alone first scan (two weeks away). I've posted before about DH wanting to tell his mum I'm pregnant almost as soon as we found out and me not wanting to tell anyone at all, including my parents, til I was a good bit further along. We wanted to tell both sets of parents face to face rather than phone, and are going to tell them to keep it quiet until after the first scan.

I would rather have kept it quiet all round til the scan, i.e. another two weeks, but as my parents live a long way off and we're only going to see them this weekend and won't see them for another month or two after that, we're telling them then, i.e. Friday night. We agreed that we'd tell MIL at 'about' the same time, and more specifically agreed, without me twisting DH's arm or anything, that we'd tell my parents first for various reasons (not least because I'm the one who's all overly emotional and hormonal and needy pregnant, not him, and I want to tell my parents first as they are more important to me than MIL, who is lovely, but we aren't close). If it were at all possible to tell them at exactly the same time, we would have, but it's logistically impossible.

So I am upset as DH has just arranged (as in, in the last half hour) for MIL to visit tomorrow night, which means she will be told before we see my parents (DH's words: Mum's coming to stay tomorrow night so we can tell her then). This is #1, I'm nervous, scared, worried etc, and feel like DH has deliberately arranged MIL to visit before we see my parents, just to get in there first...

I'm struggling to articulate how I feel more clearly than just 'upset' - slightly cheated, slightly side-lined (both myself and for my parents), jealous as MIL always gets preferential treatment (not her fault for the most part), like DH is stealing the thunder of telling my parents by getting in first with MIL... It does feel like DH is trying to 'win' by getting in first. I know I'm probably overreacting but it is important to me and I am quite upset. AIBU or just hormonal and therefore U (and if so will it stop? Please?!)? Honestly, if I could stop feeling like this about something that probably isn't a huge deal and get over myself, I would, but I'm struggling! I've been quite up and down this week anyway but feeling really upset at this right now, and probably blowing it out of all proportion, but... Should perhaps point out that as MIL lives a lot nearer and is a lot younger, she will be much more involved and sees us a lot more often anyway, so if there was a time to put my parents first, this could have been it.

So AIBU to be upset about having to tell MIL first, and/or pissed off and upset that DH has engineered things to happen this way? And if IABU, please tell me how I can stop feeling like this!

HappyMum I have a son and I'd be happy for him and any future partner to tell the mother's family first! It' is a bigger deal to have a pregnant daughter than to have a son who is going to be a Dad - different once the baby is born.

If my son is one of a pair of gay dads I reserve the right to be competitive!

It' is a bigger deal to have a pregnant daughter than to have a son who is going to be a Dad

No, no it isn't.

If I found out my son had pushed his wife to announce her pregnancy before she was happy to I'd give him a serious kick up the arse.

I think you should think about something completly different. I've never heard such tripe OP. Either that or you're having us all on!

Seriously, get some counselling if this is a problem.

I'm not suggesting your feelings are reasonable or unreasonable, but I do think that you have serious communication difficulties and crazy priorities. You need some marriage counselling asap with your DH if you are to survive the grenade that is parenting.

Best of luck with the pregnancy and birth, and being a parent, and a happily married person. I think you'll need all you get tbh.

Op

Please.

Just phone your bloody mother already and tell her!

She can sound surprised for dh if u need her too. She's a mum for gawds sake. She can tell a lie if necessary.

Get on with it.

Really DailyBread? So any prospective father to bes have to get permission to spread their joy? Does this permission need to be in writing, maybe some form of document drawn up by a solicitor?

When I was pregnant, DH and I told our parents (can't remember what order), then couldn't care less who else knew. I didn't monitor who DH told. He had every right to do so, given that it was his baby as well.

I really don't get all the drama over this?

There are some people with ugly ugly attitudes on here. I feel ashamed for them.

"Permission" is very different to "agreement". BOTH parents to be need to agree on who they tell and when.

OP you stand by your original feelings. I ant believe some people on here would be so nasty.

Everyone's family relationships are difficult and if you have a tricky relationship with anyone, mum or MIL it can make things not as straightforward as for those lucky ones who ride it out smoothly,

Announcing a baby can create stronger bonds I think though am sure can also set animosities in place. Let's hope it's the former here.

I do agree that it should ultimately be the mum of the mum to be who, if there is to be a first to hear news, is given this honour. Nice if you can do simultaneously but not always possible.

As it goes i do think the woman should have prerogative on this and also even ultimate choice of name. We do carry the baby and give birth. Can you imagine if men did

Anyway OP YANBU. But compromise where you can for everyone's sake including yours, the stress ain't worth it. But don't have the pregnancy timetable dictated to you altogether either :-)

First line should have read 'different' not 'difficult'.

It might be the OPs body, but the thing they want to tell the parents is that they're having a baby. That news belongs to both of them equally.

Pregnancy isn't just about being pregnant for the sake of it, it's about having a baby. The fact that it grows in one partners body doesn't mean they have exclusive rights over the fact that a baby is due.

It took both of them to create the pregnancy, and the DH is a father to be, not just a sperm donor.

Can I just say there will be loads more stuff like this let's not even go into who will see baby first when your in hospital! Try and let it go it's not worth getting stressed about early pregnancy is draining and stressful enough!

(applauds MrsTerryPractchett)

OP .... hope you're okay, and that you haven't spent the afternoon having a great big row ....

You sound like a pair of 12 year old arguing over who will tell their mummy and daddy first. You're having a little tiny human being, it's going to be amazing. Just let it be!

I would just call your mum. She will be just as delighted if you tell her by phone as she will in person.

The entire PIL thing is a hypothetical one for me. My dp's parents are both dead. I often find myself feeling sad for him when we have news because the people he would want tell, he can't.

I did say ywbu, I still think so. But I don't think you're being a princess etc.

It is a bit weird that your husband is actually being competitive about it though. So in that respect I can see why you've got your back up over it. That kind of thing would make me want to dig my heels in too.

imo your Dh is bu to not accept your decision to tell people till after the scan then when he got his way but saw your mum would be told first (as a concession to having to tell anyone) manipulating it so his mum was told first - he is being childish and sneaky and putting his mum above your wishes.

I think you should Skype your mum and tell her.

I didn't tell anyone apart from my boss and HR lady until I'd had the first scan as I needed time off for that and I thought they needed to know in case there were any issues at work.

I'd have been very cross if mil or any of the in laws had been told before my family.

Quite agree WooWooOwl

The 8/9 week old is not being the childish one here.

OP, I know you've said you don't want to ring your mum, but that is the perfect outcome.

Your DM gets to hear the news first. DH's DM gets to hear it in person first. Win win.

I don't think you are BU, well a little maybe, but I understand why it's important to you. How will you cope with news about all the million and one other 'firsts' that await when your baby arrives?

Congratulations though!. If I've learned nothing else it's keep your powder dry re in laws In other words choose you battles.

Op Please. Just phone your bloody mother already and tell her!

So it would be OK for her DH to just phone his mother and tell her? She could also lie for her sin and act surprised.

OP, you complain of feeling out of control. Well, you have one hell of a lot more control and involvement in this pregnancy than your DH.

Seriously, it doesn't matter who hears first. I bet neither cares whether they hear first, they will simply be excited to hear the news. I have absolutely no idea who heard about my pregnancies first. Not a clue.

IMO, it's far better to let this go and then use it as ammo in the argument as to who gets to hear about the birth first

I've just re read the OP. The issue isn't when you tell who. It's the fact that you had an AGREEMENT. Your DH has just decided to ignore this.

I would have a massive problem with this so yanbu.

Can you explain to your DH why you want to stick to what you agreed? Presumably the reasons you discussed still stand.

Could it be your DH just hasn't seen it's a big deal to you? Just tell him you see no reason not to stand by your original plans.

Ok, so a question for all those who don't agree that a pregnant woman should have any say over the dissemination of information about her pregnancy.

Imagine a situation where a man had believed that he was unable to produce viable sperm, and his wife and both families were aware of this. However, some time later (eg after a vasectomy reversal) the man has initial tests which suggest that he may now be able to produce viable sperm. Husband and wife are both delighted; however they know that a scan is needed to confirm the news.

Husband wants to tell his parents that he has viable sperm face to face first, wife agrees then arranges for her mother to come round and be told first. Is he being princessy if he disagrees?

(I realise we are talking of potential rather than actual pregnancy on this case ; however it's a reasonably close analogy. And sadly I know from experience that a positive pg test is a potential pregnancy until confirmed by a scan.)

Ok, so a question for all those who don't agree that a pregnant woman should have any say over the dissemination of information about her pregnancy.

Imagine a situation where a man had believed that he was unable to produce viable sperm, and his wife and both families were aware of this. However, some time later (eg after a vasectomy reversal) the man has initial tests which suggest that he may now be able to produce viable sperm. Husband and wife are both delighted; however they know that a scan is needed to confirm the news.

Husband wants to tell his parents that he has viable sperm face to face first, wife agrees then arranges for her mother to come round and be told first. Is he being princessy if he disagrees?

(I realise we are talking of potential rather than actual pregnancy on this case ; however it's a reasonably close analogy. And sadly I know from experience that a positive pg test is a potential pregnancy until confirmed by a scan.)

or agree to not tell anyone till after the scan but fly your parents in for a weekend and have oil over to dinner and tell them together