To be upset re having to tell MIL I'm pregnant before we tell my parents?

[Orlea]

I'm about 8/9 weeks along, haven't had first midwife appt yet (tomorrow), let alone first scan (two weeks away). I've posted before about DH wanting to tell his mum I'm pregnant almost as soon as we found out and me not wanting to tell anyone at all, including my parents, til I was a good bit further along. We wanted to tell both sets of parents face to face rather than phone, and are going to tell them to keep it quiet until after the first scan.

I would rather have kept it quiet all round til the scan, i.e. another two weeks, but as my parents live a long way off and we're only going to see them this weekend and won't see them for another month or two after that, we're telling them then, i.e. Friday night. We agreed that we'd tell MIL at 'about' the same time, and more specifically agreed, without me twisting DH's arm or anything, that we'd tell my parents first for various reasons (not least because I'm the one who's all overly emotional and hormonal and needy pregnant, not him, and I want to tell my parents first as they are more important to me than MIL, who is lovely, but we aren't close). If it were at all possible to tell them at exactly the same time, we would have, but it's logistically impossible.

So I am upset as DH has just arranged (as in, in the last half hour) for MIL to visit tomorrow night, which means she will be told before we see my parents (DH's words: Mum's coming to stay tomorrow night so we can tell her then). This is #1, I'm nervous, scared, worried etc, and feel like DH has deliberately arranged MIL to visit before we see my parents, just to get in there first...

I'm struggling to articulate how I feel more clearly than just 'upset' - slightly cheated, slightly side-lined (both myself and for my parents), jealous as MIL always gets preferential treatment (not her fault for the most part), like DH is stealing the thunder of telling my parents by getting in first with MIL... It does feel like DH is trying to 'win' by getting in first. I know I'm probably overreacting but it is important to me and I am quite upset. AIBU or just hormonal and therefore U (and if so will it stop? Please?!)? Honestly, if I could stop feeling like this about something that probably isn't a huge deal and get over myself, I would, but I'm struggling! I've been quite up and down this week anyway but feeling really upset at this right now, and probably blowing it out of all proportion, but... Should perhaps point out that as MIL lives a lot nearer and is a lot younger, she will be much more involved and sees us a lot more often anyway, so if there was a time to put my parents first, this could have been it.

So AIBU to be upset about having to tell MIL first, and/or pissed off and upset that DH has engineered things to happen this way? And if IABU, please tell me how I can stop feeling like this!

People who say"It's his baby as much as yours", turn that around: "It's YOUR baby as much as his."

Why do people think the DH is entitled to override the mother's wishes?

This isn't a MIL/DIL issue - you are all way off the mark. It's a husband / wife issue and a total lack of respect.

If I were to adopt I wouldn't feel I had any additional say on whose news it is to tell. But if the baby was growing in me yes I would like a little extra consideration. I don't see how that is being precious or saying the child is any more mine than DH's.

I think it should be up to you, yes the baby is his as well, but his not going to be the one giving birth or at worst having everyone thinking things about him is she loses the baby.

I always tell my parents first (they seemed to know already anyway) and inlaws second but then my first pregnancy my inlaws made it clear in their words that they where not happy and what did I want her to do about it.

She has been pushed into telling either set of parents. Quite sensibly she wanted to wait until her 12 week scan.

As soon as the word MIL is mentioned, they fly in with their pants outside their trousers and all reason goes out the window.

WannaBe I completely agree. 1st time the pregnancy was a shock, I had not long been separated from XH and was in a very new relationship (with now DH) so parents were not overjoyed as were concerned although they were ok-ish about it. 2nd pregnancy was planned so we were so excited about the annoucement this time but my mum said 'I thought you were going to tell us you were engaged'

Orlea - seeing your parents only every 6 months is obviously not enough for you. Could you have a chat with dh and put some dates in the diary for the next year so that you know there are dates already booked when you are going to see them.

The other thing is that I go and see my parents without dh. They are my parents, and I love spending time with them. My dh will never be as comfortable with them as I am (obviously). Does Dh always need to go with you? Do your parents come and stay with you?

I really think you need to have a proper discussion with your dh about both of your expectations about time with parents both now, and once your baby is born. He might need to accept that in order to have more family time with you and your child, he will need to see less of his parents, and you might need to accept that in order to see your parents, you will have to go on your own with your dc, leaving dh at home.

Dailybread- you're missing the point. He's telling his mother that he's going to be a father. That's his news to tell according to his own timescale- just like OP can choose her own timescale to tell people that she is to be a mother.

Don't tell anyone yet. Talk to your DH, cards on the table-style, about your fears re competitiveness, family priorities and all that if you can, before your MIL arrives. Just put telling anyone on the back burner until you and your DH are on the same page.

And as for not seeing your parents for 6 months, don't blame your DH for all of that. It was open to you to go and see them sooner and you didn't. I don't mean that harshly, but it is a real mistake in any relationship to keep going along with things you don't really want, building up resentment all the while, without even telling the other person how you feel. Your DH may have been thoughtless and made a lot of assumptions, but don't expect him to be psychic, tell him when you aren't happy.

And congratulations, by the way!

If the first thing your mum says when you have broken the news is 'was I the first to know?' then you have bigger problems than this current dilemma.

It really doesn't matter who was the first to know, especially when you are talking about a difference of 24 hours or so. It would be difficult if eg dh wanted to tell his mum now, but you wanted to wait for another 3 months before telling your mum - that's asking secrets to be kept. But a day. Good lord.

I have no clue who we told first for each of our 3 (it wasn't my parents,as they arew both dead, but could well have been a relative of mine, or a friend, on either side.)

Actually, I do know who it was with ds - I tiold a friend of mine (in a 'can't believe this has happened, and I haven't even taken a test, but the smell of your lunch is making me really nauseous, in a pregnant kind of way' - I hadn't even thought about it myself, but as the word scame out of my mouth I knew it was true.) So she knew even before dh, by a matter of hours.

This really, really doesn't matter in the great scheme of things.

Really don't understand some of these posts - OP accepted about 2 pages ago that she was being unreasonable and asked for help to stop feeling this way. So why are some posters STILL posting unkind responses, calling her a princess etc? It is possible, as some posters have demonstrated, to tell somebody you think they're being unreasonable in a kind way.

The OP was posted by a woman in the early stages of pregnancy - which I remember myself as a difficult time, feeling ill/exhausted, not knowing if everything was OK, etc - who is clearly feeling emotional and a bit vulnerable. Why in earth is it so hard to show her a bit of empathy and kindness?

In early pregnancy it should be the mother that gets to decide when people are told. It may be his baby too, but it is her body and if a woman suffers a miscarriage or even requires a termination due to complications, she should have control over who knows her private medical business. Perfectly sensible waiting for the scan IMO.

BTW I would totally agree with OP about not telling people until later if that is what they had decided, I think if one person wants to keep it quiet then I think the other partner should respect that but the fact is the OP IS telling her parents at the weekend so then I do think her DH should be able to tell his parents.

It is the way the OP says 'I want to tell my parents first as they are more important to me than MIL, who is lovely, but we aren't close' that makes this as much about the OPs behaviour as her DHs.

I'd be annoyed about not waiting for the scan TBH - less about how got told first. I insisted that we wait till the scans so past 13 weeks first trimester - as well.

Sister DP didn't wait to tell people had loads of his family at the scan day - people who weren't allowed in to scan room and got annoyed about it- then scan brought up problems - the extra people there were very little support to them and she says it made it all harder.

If it's annoying you ring your parents them so it stops then tell your DH you don't appreciate the change in plans and him not respecting or at least talking to you about who got told first - because while he may feel it doesn't matter it did to you and it's upset you.

Though in warning I've had less than positive reactions to pg news from both set of GP - everything from I'm to young to be a GM and I thought you'd wait ( been together 10 years and married 2 ) followed by good change you'll MC ( I'm past 13 weeks so no) , why didn't you wait till other DC is older like us (my Dad), to your DSis pg your taking her limelight ( my mum and later my Sis), to friends of family just lost baby at 20 weeks how could you be so insensitive as to get pg now ( IL and had no idea friends were trying and I was 19 weeks as we waited till second scan). That over 3 pg.

I hope your family are more sensitive - but be aware they reactions may not be what you hope for.

Well the people being accused if being MIL defenders are mainly pointing out that the father's family are important. Not just the mother's family. That seems relevant to the OP as I read it.

My kids are now 19, 15 and 12 and I honestly can't remember telling any of the GPs about being pg.

PILs knew first when DCs 2 and 3 were born, because they lived near us and were minding the older ones while I was in labour.

No one was precious about it thank god.

That said, I DO understand OPs feelings. I have a difficult relationship with my MIL (FIL now deceased), she's a fusser and I am definitely not. Fusses over everything, me being too busy, too tired, dh working too hard, "people" not doing things properly. I'm 43 and she came to stay recently and kept telling me off for being too busy and I should have a rest
I had two MCs between dd1 and 2, which she knew about and never shut up about them and how awful it must be for me (she sound supportive, but it really really wound me up)
The thing that wound me up all through pregnancy 2 and 3 was I didn't want her to see me in labour.
As it happened dd2 was very nearly born in the hospital lift! when dh was telling PIL the delightful story about the lift, the porter and the poor student midwife who came running to meet us, MIL got all cross and wanted to complain to the hospital! She would have fussed terribly, "oh fatowl, how awful for you, have the doctors not done anything, how terrible" going on and on and on. She gets cross with people on our behalf- so if a midwife hadn't been doing something MIL thought she should be doing, she would have gone and complained- hideously embarrassing, esp as I am really not fussy at all.

My mum lived on the other side of the country and didn't meet any of my kids til they were a few weeks old, but if she had been there I know she would have been an actual help.
But that is down to personality rather than being my mum over MIL (I think)

Unfortunately you may not stop feeling this way, I actually hated XMIL and would have not wanted to tell her as I couldn't stand her so she would have been way down my list but I would have had to go along with XH had we been in that situation.

At least you say you do like her which is a bonus, I think the main problem is you not seeing your parents enough and that needs to be the thing you work on I guess.

cardibatch

"Really? It's things like this on here that make me really glad I only have a DD. Don't some of you with sons worry about the future when women have attitudes like this?"

Yes, I do, a lot. I have a DS and I do worry about this but I know that I will not be as important to my DIL as her own mother is to her (potentially, if she gets along with/has a family). I do not for a second think that a woman's ILs are as important to her as her own family that raised her. Its great if there are people out there who are really close to their ILs and do things together and generally have a great relationship (and this is how I hope to be to my own children's DPs one day) but not everyone has and those that don't should not be expected to think of their ILs as they do their own family that raised them.

I certainly do not think of ILs as my family, they are DH's family and even he isn't that bothered about them. He thinks a lot of some of my family though (emphasis on the word some ).

Totally agree with DailyBread.

What about women with high risk pregnancies or a history of miscarriage ? ...... all of you spouting on about it being "his news as much as yours" etc., do you still think a man has the right to tell who he pleases when his pregnant partner wants to wait until either the risk has abated and/or until she feels emotionally strong enough to deal with other people's reactions and emotions as well as her own should things not go to plan ? Some women in those sorts of situations understandably want to retain their privacy for as long as possible and they should have every right to.

Granted, I know that that particular consideration doesn't apply to the OP. But the principle is still very similar. Fact is, they'd agreed on a plan of action and he seems to feel entitled to overrule that, despite there being "various reasons" why the original agreement had been made. I call that bloody arrogant, and very hurtful.

I just rang my parents and told my dad to pass the message on to my mother,.... IMO it really doesn't matter but it obviously matters to you.

You need to give them a ring if it's so important to you.. other peoples opinions don't matter OP.

Dh will have a child in 9 months. In the mean time all he has is an angry pregnant wife.

Your pregnancy is a biological condition that only you are experiencing. I genuinely think until you decide to tell people it's no ones business. If the worst were to happen at the 12 week scan would you go to your mil for support? If you wouldn't she shouldn't know before hand.

Is she super discreet? What are the chances this will get out before you are ready? Your dh is being a cunt tbh. I'd tell him that I won't be there which will be akward for him. I'd probably just get a on a train and go see your parents

My MIL (sadly she passed away 2 years ago) was so reasonable about stuff like this, she spoke to me when I was pregnant and said she totally understands that I will consider my mum first but that she is always here if I need her. She was lovely most of the time and never jealous which made it very easy for me to include her as it never felt like a competition, she also had an advantage as she was retired inlike my mum so we would get together in the day time so she had her own time with the DCs.

My DM on the other hand can be a PITA about DB and SIL. She is insanely jealous of SILs DM and I have to keep her in check. Luckily SIL is appreciative of what my DM does (she helps with childcare when SIL is working) so I think she puts up with it and I don't think my DM has the nerve to say too much to them (just to me!)

If I was harsh to the OP I did not really mean to be, it is difficult and feelings can be irrational!

There is a lot of MIL bashing on MN but some is justified, if I had been on MN when I was married to XH I would have been posting threads about her every week!

Frantically trying to keep up... sorry if I'm missing important points. Didn't realise this would touch such a nerve! But thanks for all the viewpoints, a lot of them are helping and I'm trying to not get all hormonal about the others

catsmother, that is almost verbatim the conversation we had! I said exactly that his mum was obv most important to him, while mine was to me! There's no contest there. Just that we had that conversation, then agreed that we'd tell mine first, and now he's making the exact opposite happen without any discussion at all...

And havantguard, absolutely. Ideally we'd have told them all at the same time, after the scan, but there's a family birthday party this weekend which is why we're going to see my parents and then we are not going to see them again til May, by which point I assume I'd be somewhat more obviously pregnant and MIL would probably have noticed by then.

coffee, we had discussed the first visits etc (in principle, as it's a while off) and agreed that MIL would probably be the first to visit (and around more in general), no problems there at all. It's partly because of stuff like that, which is slightly out of our control due to logistics (my parents are getting a bit too creaky to make the long trip so prob won't see the new arrival until we go to them, which could be x months later depending on a lot of factors), that I'd have liked to have told my parents first.

I do get all that about it not just being my baby, but it feels like DH is taking even any element of control of even small things like this out of my hands, which doesn't feel great re future parenting but that is probably me blowing things out of proportion again. He's really quite a nice guy

I'd like to ask, without wanting to upset/offend/antagonise anyone who has said this, why I'm being more of a princess/precious etc than DH? Because I do feel that he is also being precious... which was partly the problem in the first place!

I think you are being a little bit precious, but I fully understand why - being pregnant with a first baby can be a bit all consuming. Really really don't think you need to tell them face to face, especially when your parents live far away and you don't really want to tell anyone until you've had your scan. Why not just wait and ring them both when you get home from the scan?

My parents live in another country and I have told them everything important over the phone, degree results, dh proposing, both pgs... It was not really that different from being with them in person. Maybe it's just because I'm used to the distance but I think you might be a little bit over committed to the idea of being face to face.

You do sound like hard work tbh.....does it really matter ??

Also please bear in mind, one day you will probably be somebodies MIL.......would you really like being seen as being less important when that day comes ??