To be upset re having to tell MIL I'm pregnant before we tell my parents?

[Orlea]

I'm about 8/9 weeks along, haven't had first midwife appt yet (tomorrow), let alone first scan (two weeks away). I've posted before about DH wanting to tell his mum I'm pregnant almost as soon as we found out and me not wanting to tell anyone at all, including my parents, til I was a good bit further along. We wanted to tell both sets of parents face to face rather than phone, and are going to tell them to keep it quiet until after the first scan.

I would rather have kept it quiet all round til the scan, i.e. another two weeks, but as my parents live a long way off and we're only going to see them this weekend and won't see them for another month or two after that, we're telling them then, i.e. Friday night. We agreed that we'd tell MIL at 'about' the same time, and more specifically agreed, without me twisting DH's arm or anything, that we'd tell my parents first for various reasons (not least because I'm the one who's all overly emotional and hormonal and needy pregnant, not him, and I want to tell my parents first as they are more important to me than MIL, who is lovely, but we aren't close). If it were at all possible to tell them at exactly the same time, we would have, but it's logistically impossible.

So I am upset as DH has just arranged (as in, in the last half hour) for MIL to visit tomorrow night, which means she will be told before we see my parents (DH's words: Mum's coming to stay tomorrow night so we can tell her then). This is #1, I'm nervous, scared, worried etc, and feel like DH has deliberately arranged MIL to visit before we see my parents, just to get in there first...

I'm struggling to articulate how I feel more clearly than just 'upset' - slightly cheated, slightly side-lined (both myself and for my parents), jealous as MIL always gets preferential treatment (not her fault for the most part), like DH is stealing the thunder of telling my parents by getting in first with MIL... It does feel like DH is trying to 'win' by getting in first. I know I'm probably overreacting but it is important to me and I am quite upset. AIBU or just hormonal and therefore U (and if so will it stop? Please?!)? Honestly, if I could stop feeling like this about something that probably isn't a huge deal and get over myself, I would, but I'm struggling! I've been quite up and down this week anyway but feeling really upset at this right now, and probably blowing it out of all proportion, but... Should perhaps point out that as MIL lives a lot nearer and is a lot younger, she will be much more involved and sees us a lot more often anyway, so if there was a time to put my parents first, this could have been it.

So AIBU to be upset about having to tell MIL first, and/or pissed off and upset that DH has engineered things to happen this way? And if IABU, please tell me how I can stop feeling like this!

I can see why you are upset but YABAbitU and I do think that you are way over thinking this.

You do have some choices. You can decide not to tell anyone until after the scan. So no telling this week/weekend.

You could tell MIL tomorrow and then your parents at the weekend. If you do that then agree now that when baby arrives, your parents get told first before MiL. Get it agreed now rather than argue over it later.

It really doesn't matter who gets told about the pregnancy first in the grand scheme of things. But I do understand that it's important to you right now. But why is it so important is the key question here?

Exactly FloggingMolly, makes me kinda I'm not man.

Crapbag no matter what is said ILs aren't as important as woman's parents ....that actually makes me do angry, they are both equal relatives to Grandchildren, yes women have to carry the baby but after its born Mum and Dad are equal (or should be) so why not GPs!!!

Honestly, I would hold off entirely from any revelations this weekend - we live in a different country to both sets of parents, and I was an older first-time mother, so was more worried than perhaps the average pregnant woman about the scan, and we ended up not telling either set of parents until I was 17 weeks along, when we flew over and told them both within an hour.

(And lest anyone accuse me of grandstanding, let me point out that DH and I had been together nearly 20 years with no plans to have children, had told no one we were ttc, and the announcement of the pregnancy caused shockwaves that would have dwarfed the Second Coming.)

I would like to have been able to tell them sooner, but I was so relieved when the scan showed no problems that it made telling our families a much, much happier experience.

Can you hold off until the next time you see your parents after the scan, and tell everyone then? Is there any possibility of you and your husband making a special trip to see them?

YANBU you are the one that is pregnant and so surely your DH could agree with you in things like this that are important to you. I would phone my mum now. It wouldn't take away from when she see you she will be just as excited and may have time to get you a little gift!
If you don't call your mum on the way to hers get something that says Grandma on and don't get one for your MIL. Not because you don't like her just because your husband is being a bit of a nob!

well your parents may be more important to you than his but hey guess what, his parents are more important to him than yours, this is how it works.

All this "my body my baby" crap is just a convenient excuse rolled out by women to justify their behaving like over-entitled spoilt brats during pregnancy and it's just a crock of shite really. It's not just op's baby it's the dh's baby too, just as much so. In fact given he doesn't get to carry it, doesn't get to feel it moving first, doesn't get to bond with it in quite the same way as the mother during pregnancy I would say that something like telling his parents first is the one thing he should have a bit of control over if that's what he wants.

And just a cautionary note op - try not to over anticipate the big announcement, I imagine you have in your mind atm how it will go, the excitement, the reaction etc, and in truth there's every chance it will be nothing like that.

My first thought was that I agree with Tweasels but actually this is about more than just telling GPs about tour pregnancy isn't it?

So - immediate problem would be solved by you both calling your parents at the sane time. Could be now, could be after the scan...

Bigger problem (if you think there is one i.e. DH not listening to you / taking your feelings in board) - you need to talk to each other about this. Sounds like compromise might be needs on both sides but that's only going on what you've said and what do I know?

This might also be a good time to point out that even if you're not close to MIL you say she's lovely. Lucky you - that is worth a lot. Don't blow it!

God, there are some nasty posters on here.

I think when a woman is pregnant, she should get the right to decide things like this. No matter what people say, ILs are not equal to a womans parents.

Dear god, Crapbag just because nature has decided that the woman carries the baby and not the man does not mean his parents mean nothing.

Hmmm .... I sympathise.

Whilst objectively, it "doesn't matter", subjectively it does matter if there's a history of MIL being favoured. And of course, many women prefer not to tell anyone until after the scan, as you yourself have mentioned.

I do appreciate why you'd prefer to tell your Mum face to face - to actually see her excitement - and if logistics meant that the announcement therefore had to be this weekend as opposed to a little later, I do feel personally then that your DH is being a bit of an arse by rushing to tell his mum before - because if your parents lived closer, chances are that neither of them would have been told just yet. In other words, your hand was somewhat forced by circumstance as far as your parents were concerned .... it wasn't as if you deliberately tried to engage in a game of one-upmanship .... whereas I can quite see how you feel that he has !!

And sorry, but for those of you saying "it's his baby too, he can tell who he likes" I think that's a sweeping generalisation and very unfair on the woman who's actually pregnant and who may not want to announce the news just yet for all sorts of valid reasons. Why should her privacy be compromised by an overexcited (or game playing ) OH ?

Obviously, once your parents had been told, then I think you wouldn't have been entitled to veto his mum knowing - but presumably you'd planned to do that very soon after you got back anyway ?

As for how to deal with this ? .... I don't know. I'd feel very resentful I'm afraid and perhaps it's best to tell him exactly how you feel rather than dwell on it and seethe. You could lay it on thick about how special first pregnancies are for a woman blah di blah and how nice it is for her mother to be the first to know as you obviously have a particularly special bond with her !!

I think you'd be entitled to insist he doesn't tell her just yet TBH .... yes the baby's his, but you're pregnant and I do think that kind of trumps things. You're better placed than any of us to properly understand how your OH thinks and the dynamics in your family and if you believe he's done this so he can win some sort of competition or, infer (again?) that his mum's "better" or more "important" then so be it. I'm quite sure his mum is more important - to him - but he should understand that your mum is most important to you. And whatever the issue .... it's not fair that he plans to do something contrary to what you'd agreed - together !! I'd remind him very forcefully of that. Otherwise, he's effectively saying that his opinions supersede what you decide as a couple.

No matter what people say, ILs are not equal to a womans parents

You know that a womans parents are also in laws?

What you seem to be saying, is that the woman/mother is more important than the man/father.

It's things like this on here that make me really glad I only have a DD. Don't some of you with sons worry about the future when women have attitudes like this

I have 3 sons and yes, it is a worry.

I disagree with "your body- you decide"

Yes the baby is in your body but it's his news just as equally as yours.

If the MIL Defender Brigade had read the thread they'd realise that the OP didn't want to tell either set of parents before the first scan and wanted to tell them at as close to the same time as possible. This isn't about MILs being hard done by. It isn't actually about MILs at all. It's about a DH insisting that he wants people to know before his wife is comfortable with that.

MIL is definitely going to be more involved than my parents, partly due to distance but also to age - mine are 10+ years older and just not able to be as active as MIL. I don't want to exclude her at all, and we have a fine relationship, but I'm not, and never will be, as close to her as I am to my own mother. That's never going to change no matter how close we become.

Littlefish, I was close to a tally chart at one point last year as we were seeing the ILs loads so we barely had any free time, and consequently we hadn't seen my parents for over 6 months - which was extreme, but was down to constantly having other stuff on, i.e. seeing his family. In the end I picked a weekend to visit my parents (which clashed with another visit to see his family - not an occasion, just a visit) and asked him to decide if he was coming or not when I was about to book flights (he did), but it took that sort of situation to make him accept that we need to spend time with both - not exactly the same time with each, we're not daft, but seeing his family every week and not seeing mine for 6 months is a bit out of kilter.

Thank you dailybread and others - nice to know that YABU is not unanimous

I agree amberleaf

Honestly, it doesn't really matter who gets told first. I think with both my DC we told PIL first but my parents around about the same time, and it didn't even occur to me that by telling them first we were giving them preferential treatment.

But it clearly is a big deal to you so I think you need to tell your DH how you feel. As you said in your OP, you have already decided between you that you would tell your parents first so just tell him "No, I don't want to tell MIL tomorrow because I want to tell my parents first" or ask him to change having his mum to stay till next week once your parents have been.

He might feel a bit put out by this but it's what you agreed you would do. And you are pregnant and hormonal and probably feeling exhausted and bit crap so he should be trying to make your life easier right now not causing you unneccessary upset even if it very slightly irrational. And if he's not doing that then bloody well tell him that he should be because being pregnant is not easy...especially in the early months.

But on another note, if this kind of stuff is going to be an issue for you then you do need to get over it. What happens when baby is born...your parents live further away so perhaps it's likely that your MIL can come and see the baby first...have first cuddle. Is that going to be a problem for you? Are you going to feel upset that MIL might see your baby more often than your parents because she is closer?

phone your parents!!

I had to phone mine there was no choice, it was no big deal, its quite sometimes as Ragwort said to be seperate to recieve such big news, people can take it in and process it in their own time.

phoning them solves all your problems.

Is it not dp's baby? As your OP was all me me me. You're going to have a baby, life will never be about you again, get used to it.

I feel really sorry for MIL's after going on Mumsnet. Although I absolutely loathe my own!!!

I think YABU but you could meet halfway?

I like the idea of telling them together - if you can't get them to come when MIL is there, tell them on the phone.

When you tell your mum is up to you!

Op and her DH need to sort themselves out, sharpish. If you can't agree on when to tell your parents, I hate to think of what happens about every single other decision in parenting, ALL of which will be more important than this.

Sit down and make a sensible decision together, FFS. No game-playing and point-scoring.

It's about a DH insisting that he wants people to know before his wife is comfortable with that

Depends how you look at it.

Or it's about a DH feeling put out that him/his parents are not as important/ 'less than' his wifes, due to her insistance that her family be told first.

I do agree though, that this just isn't that important and if this attitude carries on, there will be further problems ahead.

It's only news. Telling either/or first will not impact on anything. There are no consequences to which order you do it.

YABU - but blame the hormones

I totally disagree with the posters who say that what you want trumps your partners. It should be equal and your MIL is no less important in this than your own DM.

I think we told MIL first both times (as soon as we found out as we would never want to keep something like that from immediate family!) as the first time we had already planned to see her in the afternoon and were going to a party at my parents that evening. It didn't cross my mind that it would matter either way. 2nd time my parents were away for the weekend so we saw MIL first. They were both in the waiting room when I gave birth to DS2 by c-sec (DM came in for DS1's birth but MIL didn't want to as too squeemish!)

If your DH truly organised it so he could tell MIL first then this would bother me as it is quite manipulative but it sounds like you would do the same so you are as bad as each other really.

Sheesh - I can't believe some of the precious advice you are getting on here! OP, in the nicest possible way, you need to get over this and focus on all the joyous aspects of pregnancy and beyond. Having had 3 kids, believe me, petty point scoring like this is not a recipe for a happy marriage! LIsten to wannaBe what she has posted hits the nail on the head!