Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 ··· 12 13

Original poster

To be upset re having to tell MIL I'm pregnant before we tell my parents?

322 replies

Orlea · 26/02/2014 11:29

I'm about 8/9 weeks along, haven't had first midwife appt yet (tomorrow), let alone first scan (two weeks away). I've posted before about DH wanting to tell his mum I'm pregnant almost as soon as we found out and me not wanting to tell anyone at all, including my parents, til I was a good bit further along. We wanted to tell both sets of parents face to face rather than phone, and are going to tell them to keep it quiet until after the first scan.

I would rather have kept it quiet all round til the scan, i.e. another two weeks, but as my parents live a long way off and we're only going to see them this weekend and won't see them for another month or two after that, we're telling them then, i.e. Friday night. We agreed that we'd tell MIL at 'about' the same time, and more specifically agreed, without me twisting DH's arm or anything, that we'd tell my parents first for various reasons (not least because I'm the one who's all overly emotional and hormonal and needy pregnant, not him, and I want to tell my parents first as they are more important to me than MIL, who is lovely, but we aren't close). If it were at all possible to tell them at exactly the same time, we would have, but it's logistically impossible.

So I am upset as DH has just arranged (as in, in the last half hour) for MIL to visit tomorrow night, which means she will be told before we see my parents (DH's words: Mum's coming to stay tomorrow night so we can tell her then). This is #1, I'm nervous, scared, worried etc, and feel like DH has deliberately arranged MIL to visit before we see my parents, just to get in there first...

I'm struggling to articulate how I feel more clearly than just 'upset' - slightly cheated, slightly side-lined (both myself and for my parents), jealous as MIL always gets preferential treatment (not her fault for the most part), like DH is stealing the thunder of telling my parents by getting in first with MIL... It does feel like DH is trying to 'win' by getting in first. I know I'm probably overreacting but it is important to me and I am quite upset. AIBU or just hormonal and therefore U (and if so will it stop? Please?!)? Honestly, if I could stop feeling like this about something that probably isn't a huge deal and get over myself, I would, but I'm struggling! I've been quite up and down this week anyway but feeling really upset at this right now, and probably blowing it out of all proportion, but... Should perhaps point out that as MIL lives a lot nearer and is a lot younger, she will be much more involved and sees us a lot more often anyway, so if there was a time to put my parents first, this could have been it.

So AIBU to be upset about having to tell MIL first, and/or pissed off and upset that DH has engineered things to happen this way? And if IABU, please tell me how I can stop feeling like this!

OP posts:

LiegeAndLief · 26/02/2014 13:08

Oh, and I can't remember who we told first, but it was on the same day (probably) and they wouldn't have known anyway.

TheGreatHunt · 26/02/2014 13:09

Does your DH understand why you might want to wait until 12 weeks?

But he will tell his mum I bet. So ring yours. It won't be any less special not doing it in person.

LiegeAndLief · 26/02/2014 13:09

Sorry, xpost, didn't mean you were being more precious than dh. He is also being a problem. But if you both feel so strongly about it that's why I suggested ringing on the same day, you could even do it simultaneously!

ReadyToPopAndFresh · 26/02/2014 13:10

I wonder if it had been an expartner doing this the OP would have had the same response? Or is it only current partners who get to decide when conditions that only affect one person are allowed to shout it from the roof tops?

ReadyToPopAndFresh · 26/02/2014 13:12

Seriously has anyone rtft? Op wanted them to know around the same time! After the scan.. How is that making mil less important?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 26/02/2014 13:12

OP - I think this is your pregnancy and your DH should respect your wishes, particularly over something like delaying telling anyone until after the scan. It is you who is at a risk of miscarriage not your DH and if you feel better waiting until after that risk is substantially lower then you should and your DH should respect that.

I do also think many women want to tell their own mothers about their pregnancy before telling their MIL. I know it's the man's baby too but it's the woman's pregnancy and she should be able to share it with the women closest to her first.

I have a DD and a DS I would certainly not expect to be informed of my son's partner's pregnancy before she'd told her own parents.

ReadyToPopAndFresh · 26/02/2014 13:13

Op some posters on MN would expect you to let your MIL down the business end in the labor ward. It was unreasonable of you to expect a sensible answer tbh

LucilleBluth · 26/02/2014 13:14

You are being massively unreasonable. I hope you enjoy your pregnancy and I really really hope it's a boy :)

AmberLeaf · 26/02/2014 13:15

Yes, I do, a lot. I have a DS and I do worry about this but I know that I will not be as important to my DIL as her own mother is to her (potentially, if she gets along with/has a family). I do not for a second think that a woman's ILs are as important to her as her own family that raised her. Its great if there are people out there who are really close to their ILs and do things together and generally have a great relationship (and this is how I hope to be to my own children's DPs one day) but not everyone has and those that don't should not be expected to think of their ILs as they do their own family that raised them

You're missing the point IMO.

This really isn't all about the OP/DILs...women/Mums etc.

ReadyToPopAndFresh · 26/02/2014 13:15

I have a DD and a DS I would certainly not expect to be informed of my son's partner's pregnancy before she'd told her own parents.

Same here ghoul and I'd be a bit disappointed with my son if he did something he knew upset his pregnant partner just so I could get in first. Surely he is the one with PIL issues? Not the OP?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 26/02/2014 13:20

Ready - I agree absolutely. I doubt OP's MIL will be at all bothered about hearing about the pregnancy a day or two after OP's parents.

ReadyToPopAndFresh · 26/02/2014 13:23

Can someone please tell me why her partner isn't unreasonable for wanting to tell his mother first? Why is only ever pregnant women who are being unreasonable?

So many threads I read this and there are so many women who had to untell people after family spread news before the scan..and it broke their hearts. He is going over his wife's head to get in first. Remember MIL will see baby first and spend more time with it anyway? Why not give this one thing to her parents?

Tweasels · 26/02/2014 13:26

The issue here is definitely how DH prioritises yours and his time and tends to be quite selfish about it.

I'm guessing opportunities to see your family are few and far between which I think means that when they do arrive they should take priority.

Obviously you will see way more of his family if they live closer but I wonder if you could just opt out of some of it and DH could go alone. You could maybe use that time to ring your mum and have a nice, long uninterrupted chat.

My parents aren't around so all family time is spent with DH's family. Obviously DH likes and wants to spend lots of time with them (as do I but not quite so much) so I often use it as a opportunity to enjoy some time alone and I make him take the kids so I get some peace.

PiperRose · 26/02/2014 13:27

Orlea I said you were being a princess, I also said your DH was being a dick. You said your MiL would never be as important as your mother, but it 's not about you, or your husband (who judging by some people on has less rights because he had a different chromosome) it's about the child and it's 4 equal grandparents.

shewhowines · 26/02/2014 13:27

But it doesn't matter about who's first. Its a non issue.
Both sets will be independently pleased. They are not interlinked.

Everybody is getting their knickers twisted over nothing.

Original poster

Orlea · 26/02/2014 13:29

Readytopop, I'm honestly not sure how discreet MIL is. I hadn't considered that she might not be, especially if asked to keep it to herself... so that's something else to worry about! I'm almost positive she'd keep it quiet. Almost... if she doesn't, I'll just have to kill DH. As everything is his fault

Oh, and I actually don't mind the idea of MIL being at the hospital as she's an ER nurse so will probably keep it together better than DH and I! And certainly better than my DM would

Part of the original discussion with DH was that if it was our turn, I would be upset if a DD told her MIL before me, and wouldn't expect a DS to tell me before PILs, which I think a PP had said too. So that was one of my original reasons for wanting to tell my parents slightly before MIL. Simultaneously wasn't an option because DH refused to tell his mum on the phone if we were telling my parents face to face as that wouldn't be fair on his mum...

OP posts:

WooWooOwl · 26/02/2014 13:32

I think you need to remember that you are the one that's actually pregnant, and because of that, you get so much more out of this than your DH. You get to be the one to carry that baby around with you constantly for the next few months, feel every kick, then you get to have the first and strongest bond and all the wonderful stuff that goes along with that.

Is it really that much for you to let him have this one little thing?

It's not his fault that your parents are older, live far away, and can't/won't make the trip. He has just as much right to share the news with his family when he wants to as you do.

YABVU, and you need to see the positives about being in the position you're in.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 26/02/2014 13:32

OP, you are not being unreasonable at all. I'd be very annoyed if DH did that to me. Especially as you had already agreed. In fact, I'd be a bitch and maybe go out and let him tell her on his own...

I was living abroad when I had my Dds. I told my mom over the phone. It was a lovely phone call both times, she was so delighted for me.

Cakebaker35 · 26/02/2014 13:38

Op I really think once the dust has settled and you've had your lovely dc this will just be a non-issue. If my mil was a nurse I think I'd be even more inclined to tell her tbh as if you do happen to have any problems (and I very much hope not) she could be a very supportive person for you?

Personally I wanted my mil to know at the same time as my parents for both pregnancies - first time around we waited until after the scan but this time we told them both much earlier, and it was over the phone due to distance. I get on well with my mil, she's nothing like my dm but that is a good mix as they both have different things to offer in terms of advice and support.

I think perhaps this has turned into a 'who gets their own way' argument and its just a case of sitting down with your dh and agreeing a middle ground, you both need to compromise and consider the other's feelings and this is just a drop in the ocean compared to some of the other decisions you will need to make as parents....

Work together, by all means tell him you're cross, but resolve it quickly before it gets really stressful for you both, you have bigger fish to fry. And try to ignore the mil bashers/defenders thing, it really isn't about that and everyone relationships are different.

ZanyMobster · 26/02/2014 13:42

He is being as unreasonable about it IMO as you are. Has he actually invited them before you see your parents on purpose - have you asked him why?

ReadyToPopAndFresh · 26/02/2014 13:43

(who judging by some people on has less rights because he had a different chromosome)

NO because he hasnt got a womb .You see he is not pregnant. Op is. SO he has got fewer rights (well legally no rights)

ikeaismylocal · 26/02/2014 13:46

Yabu. How would your parents/pil even know who knew when? It's lovely news, congratulations, order of who is informed first neither adds or takes away from the surprise.

I'm 5 weeks pregnant, my friends from my mums group ( babies all born in thesame month) were the first to know after dp, it was the day we got our bfp and we were going out for drinksthat evening and so I told them as it was very unlike me to have an orange juice rather than a glass of wine

Tweasels · 26/02/2014 13:50

Really ReadyToPop?

The DH is being unreasonable but he absolutely has rights and feelings just like the OP. You think he has no input because "he hasn't got a womb"?

That's quite sad actually.

ballinacup · 26/02/2014 13:53

It's difficult to make a comparison. But if the DH had, say, testicular cancer, would it be okay for the OP to discuss it with her family, before he'd broken the news to his mum?

I know that's not a great analogy as birth is amazing and cancer is devastating, but it would be his body and his decision. How is pregnancy any different?

I havea DS, and, many years from now, if he has the wonderful news of grandchildren, I won't expect to be as closely involved as my DIL's parents. They'll have raised her, changed her nappies, held her at night when she was poorly, comforted her through her childhood downs, celebrated the highs and cherished her unconditionally for her whole life. I'll just be the mother of the man she loves. Of COURSE she'll feel more comfortable and attached to her own parents!

diddl · 26/02/2014 13:56

If you want to wait until after the scan then I think that you need to get that back on the table tbh.

Then it might have to be a question of phoning your parents rather than waiting to see them face to face?

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 ··· 12 13