To be upset re having to tell MIL I'm pregnant before we tell my parents?

[Orlea]

I'm about 8/9 weeks along, haven't had first midwife appt yet (tomorrow), let alone first scan (two weeks away). I've posted before about DH wanting to tell his mum I'm pregnant almost as soon as we found out and me not wanting to tell anyone at all, including my parents, til I was a good bit further along. We wanted to tell both sets of parents face to face rather than phone, and are going to tell them to keep it quiet until after the first scan.

I would rather have kept it quiet all round til the scan, i.e. another two weeks, but as my parents live a long way off and we're only going to see them this weekend and won't see them for another month or two after that, we're telling them then, i.e. Friday night. We agreed that we'd tell MIL at 'about' the same time, and more specifically agreed, without me twisting DH's arm or anything, that we'd tell my parents first for various reasons (not least because I'm the one who's all overly emotional and hormonal and needy pregnant, not him, and I want to tell my parents first as they are more important to me than MIL, who is lovely, but we aren't close). If it were at all possible to tell them at exactly the same time, we would have, but it's logistically impossible.

So I am upset as DH has just arranged (as in, in the last half hour) for MIL to visit tomorrow night, which means she will be told before we see my parents (DH's words: Mum's coming to stay tomorrow night so we can tell her then). This is #1, I'm nervous, scared, worried etc, and feel like DH has deliberately arranged MIL to visit before we see my parents, just to get in there first...

I'm struggling to articulate how I feel more clearly than just 'upset' - slightly cheated, slightly side-lined (both myself and for my parents), jealous as MIL always gets preferential treatment (not her fault for the most part), like DH is stealing the thunder of telling my parents by getting in first with MIL... It does feel like DH is trying to 'win' by getting in first. I know I'm probably overreacting but it is important to me and I am quite upset. AIBU or just hormonal and therefore U (and if so will it stop? Please?!)? Honestly, if I could stop feeling like this about something that probably isn't a huge deal and get over myself, I would, but I'm struggling! I've been quite up and down this week anyway but feeling really upset at this right now, and probably blowing it out of all proportion, but... Should perhaps point out that as MIL lives a lot nearer and is a lot younger, she will be much more involved and sees us a lot more often anyway, so if there was a time to put my parents first, this could have been it.

So AIBU to be upset about having to tell MIL first, and/or pissed off and upset that DH has engineered things to happen this way? And if IABU, please tell me how I can stop feeling like this!

I have no idea whether my mum or his, was told first regarding our three children.
You do sound like you reckon you get to call the shots because you're the one who is pregnant, and while some people might agree with that, I'd have to say I don't.
It take two to tango after all. You wouldn't have any shots to call if it weren't for your dh.

You say he's competitive. Well...so are you.

None of this stuff actually matters, and if you want to make your dh feel like a sperm donor, you're going the right way about it, dismissing his mum as less important.

"We agreed that we'd tell MIL at 'about' the same time, and more specifically agreed, without me twisting DH's arm or anything, that we'd tell my parents first for various reasons (not least because I'm the one who's all overly emotional and hormonal and needy pregnant, not him, and I want to tell my parents first as they are more important to me than MIL, who is lovely, but we aren't close)."

Says it all. Watch yourself.

I told my mum on the phone, I couldn't wait until I saw her next. just give her a call, it's not a big thing who gets told first, you aren't going behind his back, you are just talking to your mum. Tell him you just couldn't wait.

Well you sound very petty and not apprec

I do hear what you're saying about the "my body" thing, but, but, but, presumably the decision to have a baby was a joint one? Presumably the baby is your dh's, created with his sperm?

On that basis, your dh has as much right to tell his mum about the pregnancy as you have, to tell your parents. I have to say, I agree with you on the wanting to wait until after the scan thing though.

However, it is his child too - just because you are the one who is pregnant, doesn't mean that your parents are more important than his and therefore, deserve to be told before his.

I agree with dreaming, that you need to let this go, and start thinking instead about more important issues to do with the raising of your child, or the way you want the birth, or the first few weeks.

As a general note though, it sounds as though he will want his mum to be involved to a similar level as your parents, so think carefully about how you phrase any discussions!

I dont think YABU. I told my parents first with number 1 as i was the one carrying our child. It was important to me that my mum knew first so DH respected that.

It wasnt as important a decision the second time so we told his parents first. Wished i hadnt as she wasnt that bothered. Her own daughter had given birth to the favourite child by then and couldnt have anymore so think she was resentful that i was having another. With the 3rd i told my mum and would always tell her first now as she is more excited.

YANBU.

I think when a woman is pregnant, she should get the right to decide things like this. No matter what people say, ILs are not equal to a womans parents.

I was pissed off as when we had DS, I made DH get loads of credit on his phone as I knew his mum would monopolise the conversation and not let it be a quick "hi CrapBag has had baby, all is well" type thing and would use up all of his credit. I said he needed to phone my family first as they would have been happy with a quick message to say all is well. I said it more than once that this needed to happen and why (and he knew full well I was right).

When I had DS, I had a bad tear and had to wait over 2 hours to go to theatre, then recovery and on to the ward. As it was DH didn't get chance to leave the hospital until over 5 hours after DS was born. He went outside and immediately phoned his mum, who did exactly what I said and kept on talking and he used all his credit up and had nothing left to phone my family. He drove there instead to tell them but I was so pissed off that he didn't respect my wishes. They were worried about me (especially as my nan had one of her feelings that I was going to have a bad time of it, she is always right), MIL wasn't worried about me. I found out later from my granddad that they weren't happy that DH didn't tell them sooner.

Second time around I made it quite clear that the same thing wasn't to happen again and my family would be told first. DH knew I meant it and let me make my phone calls first (much better birth and I could use my phone on the ward).

Proved how much MIL wasn't bothered about me as when she visited second time around, after I had a section, she said "alright then" and gave me a slight push/nudge, enough to jolt my body. I just looked at her and said "I have had major surgery" and her response was "yes?" in a way as if to say "so what".

Your needs trumps your partner when you have a baby. I agree with others, phone your mum first. It does seem like your DH has engineered this to tell his mum first.

Jeez, you are being completely unreasonable and acting like a total princess. And your husband is being a dick. Nobody's parents are more "important" they are all grandparents. The pair of you need to stop being so bloody competitive and take a step back to realise just how lucky you are to have what you have. God only knows how this child will turn out if it's forever used as a took in your competition.

Without being harsh you being pregnant is nothing like as much a big deal for anyone else. Yes people will be happy and excited but it's not worth tying yourself up in knots over who knows when.

and I want to tell my parents first as they are more important to me than MIL, who is lovely, but we aren't close

I hope for your sake that this is the hormones talking because otherwise you sound like you are gearing up to be the DiL from hell.

Others have said this, and I say it as a maternal grandmother....the baby is every bit as much your ILs' grandchild as your parents'...how close you feel to one set or the other is neither here nor there.

Reading your posts quite frankly it seems there is not much to choose between you and your DH in the competitive stakes.

Mobile phone/landline. You make call to your parents; DH simultaneously phones his. You announce.

I told my sister first. Then rest of family.

Not petty at all.

Posters on here are being very unkind to you.

Please ignore them. Some women just love to put other women down. They have their own issues.

This does matter. YANBU to feel this way. Please know this.
You are entitled to take ownership of your body at this vulnerable time. Your wishes come first. A decent man would see this.

Why are you worried about "going behind his back" when he has clearly broken your agreement, gone behind your back and invited MIL to stay without your knowledge?

He does sound determined to get his way even if it means ignoring your wishes and undermining you.

That's the main issue here.

Well you are lucky to have two sets of parents to tell.

YABU

I agree with the 'it's your body' thing in some aspects of pregnancy/childbirth, BUT, this is both you and your DHs news.

It's just news, that you are both entitled to share with your respective parents.

BumpNGrind... you appear to have stolen my username...er, thanks for that.

Sorry - you posted while I was typing.

If you feel that your MIL has been consistently made a priority over your parents, then this is the issue you need to discuss. Can you give a few examples?

Is she on her own?

If your MIL lives geographically closer, then I'm afraid that it is going to be more likely that she sees your family more often. What's the option? Refuse to see her unless you've seen your parents? Keep a tally chart?

I'm sure you can see that both of those suggestions were made, tongue-in-cheek.

My MIL lives very close by. When dd was little, we saw her regularly, for short periods of time (a couple of hours at a time). My parents lived several hours away, so we used to see them less frequently, but for several days at a time. The relationships with dd have developed differently, but neither is less loving or important.

My worry would be, if you're getting uptight about this you are going to end up a wreck by the end of the pregnancy. You need to remember that MIL and your mum are both grandmother to this baby. One isn't more important than the other.

Also, pick your battles. If you feel like this now, what's going to happen when the baby arrives, who will you ring first? Who will see the baby first? Who will get first babysitting job? Do you see what I'm getting at...Where will it end.

You and DH need to have a chat about this sort of stuff because if you're not on the same page in terms of priorities now, things will get worse.

Hormones are a bugger though and little things do get blown out of proportion. I promise you, you will never look back and feel devastated your mum didn't find out first or face to face etc. It won't even register as important. You'll have found much bigger things to be pissed of at DH and MIL for by then

Congratulations on your pregnancy

Your needs trump your partner when you have a baby
. How seriously sad is that? Besides, there are no needs in this scenario; just someone very preciously wanting things their own way.
Little tip, op, no matter what happens, the world will continue to turn as before.

I think a lot of people are responding only to what you've said about the immediate issue, and are not making the connection with the rest of what you say.

You need to sit him down and tell him that his mother should not be prioritised over your family, and that you expect to arrange things fairly about the pregnancy, the baby, and your lives in general, so that your side of the family are not sidelined.

You also need to tell him that being 'highly competitive' about the pregnancy is not going to be a helpful attitude - you need his interest and support, not to be pushed into things because he has decided them.

And, honestly, don't let him run things in a way which prioritises his side of the family. You are allowed to be an equal partner, and to have an equal say in how things happen. That may feel difficult, but the sooner you start acting like you deserve it, the sooner he will get the message.

Well said tweasels

Right: some help in trying to get over this.

Look in the mirror, take a deep breath, smile. Imagine the wonderful year you have in store. How lucky you are. How amazing it is that you are surrounded by people who are jostling to love your unborn baby. SMILE again. Now, move on. None of this shit matters.

Crapbag - I think when a woman is pregnant, she should get the right to decide things like this. No matter what people say, ILs are not equal to a woman's parents. Really? It's things like this on here that make me really glad I only have a DD. Don't some of you with sons worry about the future when women have attitudes like this?
OP YABU. It is his baby/their grandchild too - why should it automatically be your parents first? I phoned my parents (can't remember whether it was before or after DHs parents) and they didn't say congratulations - they had to phone back later to do that. AN in-person telling could be a big let down anyway!

But by arranging this visit thinks the OP's back, the Dzh clearly thinks his needs trump hers.

Why is the selfish DH getting such an easy ride on this thread?

I'm wondering if there are lots of mothers-of-sons posting. Future MILs?

My PIL found out I was pregnant before my parents both times. It simply worked out that way since they live in the same city and we see them more often.

I would just call your parents to tell them first.

Your Mum saying she is sad or jealous is imo unreasonable. This may well have been messing with your head.

I have a MIL like this and it's driven a wedge, (well I've disengaged now after a few years treading on eggshells.) I don't think adults should "pout" this way. In fact it's my parents who have been further away ands had less contact but they never put their worries (if they have had them) onto us.