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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked this lady if she'd like to join us for a coffee?

145 replies

endlesstidying · 25/02/2014 21:04

Genuinely not sure here. Maybe it was too much too soon, maybe she was just very shy?

DD's school is just next to a park which has a lovely cafe. As it was a nice day, a group of us took our children there after school (all year 3 so 7 and 8 year olds in school uniform if it matters). While we were there one of DD's friends saw a girl who'd just spent the day at the school with them on some kind of induction day as she's starting there at the start of next term. The girl was immediately dragged off to play with dd and friends - all in sight of the cafe leaving her mum alone.

After a brief discussion with other mums I went over and asked new girls mum if she'd like to come and join us for a coffee while the girls playe. She said "no thanks, I'm not a charity case" and stormed off to sit by herself on a bench.

What on earth was that about? We were only trying to be friendly. I've been lucky so far that DD has not needed to change school and that the parents in her year group are generally very friendly so maybe I missed something?

So AIBU to have asked?

OP posts:
MrsRuffdiamond · 26/02/2014 00:09

Ah, yes, I suppose that's right, Caitlin. Just seems such an extraordinary response!

member · 26/02/2014 00:31

You were not being unreasonable open. it was a nice thing to do.

She was rude in the way that she declined but I can almost imagine doing this if I thought there were going to be probing questions during the "getting to know you process" & I didn't want to feel cornered. Nobody knows what precipitated the school move; perhaps they're fleeing abuse/there's been a traumatic relationship breakdown or something that she's not ready to share with a group of strangers however well-intentioned they may be.

I would continue to give her a friendly nod or "hello"
In passing when her daughter moves permanently .

MistressDeeCee · 26/02/2014 02:56

OP you sound like a nice lady. Friendly. The other woman was rude, maybe she was having a bad day but thats no excuse..whoever may have annoyed her, it very probably wasn't you. Even if you had a brief discussion, so what..? I doubt you said anything bad. You'll do. Give her a wide berth. Im sure she'll be instrumental in ensuring her daughter fits right in with everybody...

MrRected · 26/02/2014 04:17

You all sound lovely OP.

I find social situations with new people quite uncomfortable - so I would probably have said, something along the lines of "thank you so much - you are so lovely to ask, but we have to go in a minute" I would then have made up an excuse and left asap. This is not because I am ungrateful, but because I genuinely do find interacting with strangers (especially a group who know one another terribly intimidating).

There is no excuse for being so rude. My guess is that there is some history behind the new mum's response. More fool her because she just burned her opportunity for a fresh start.

Who knows eh?

NatashaBee · 26/02/2014 04:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Charlie97 · 26/02/2014 06:24

I think she was plain rude, it is normal to just say "shall one of us go ask her to join us" , it's idle chit chat not a discussion about her!

The one thing I would say, which it am sure you would not do, because you sound lovely. Is that if she continues to be rude, let it affect the relationship the children have.

Lovely gesture by you and I would have welcomed the Brew.

TamerB · 26/02/2014 06:38

I wouldn't worry about it. You did the normal, friendly thing and for some reason she had a problem. It is a peculiar way to make a new start by being so rude- it was easy to make a polite excuse if she didn't want to.

KristinaM · 26/02/2014 06:43

OP, you sound lovely

She was extremely rude

As are the people who have posted that they wouldn't want to get to know a groups of SAHMs. Why is it acceptable to say this? Would you say you didn't want to get to know a group of black mums? Or Jewish mums? Or secretaries ? Why is it fine to write off a whole group of women according to what you assume their jobs to be?

I struggle to understand this type of prejudice .

And no, I don't " feel the need" to be best mates with all the mums in my children's schools. But in a small school it's good to be on at least speaking terms with their classmates families, don't you think?

It doesn't cost a lot of your valuable time to be able to chat for a moment and ask about someone's dog/ granny /career as CEO of a multi national company. And you never know, you might even make a new ....y'know....friend among those boring SAHMs Hmm

And before you ask, no , I'm not a SAHM .

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 26/02/2014 08:02

I echo what Kristina posted. Having coffee in the park while your kids play is hardly 'feeling the need to be best friends with your DC's classmates' parents'

That imo shows how socially inept and quiet frankly odd you areConfused

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 26/02/2014 08:11

One of those women could be a surgeon, solicitor, teacher the list is endless. Would you go and talk to them then? Perhaps you're not socially inept just a massive snob? what an of way to view the world, only talking to people you think have a good enough jobConfused

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 26/02/2014 08:11

Odd not of

Topaz25 · 26/02/2014 09:17

It was nice of you to try and include her and she was very rude. I would ignore her in future.

Caitlin17 · 26/02/2014 09:25

The mothers at my son's primary class at a fee paying school were fairly equally divided into women who didn't work at all as they didn't need the money and women who worked full time.

The Christmas meals out and end of term dinners used to be organised. The stay at homes usually wanted to talk about their latest home improvement project.

I didn't collect son from school so other than sports days and collecting him from friends houses or friends being deposited at his house had little contact with other parents. He had plenty of friends.

I can understand why this mother wouldn't want to join a group of people who all know each other.

Longtalljosie · 26/02/2014 09:30

Well - you did the right thing and more fool her. Don't let that put you off doing the same for the next new mum though. If it had been me I'd have been incredibly grateful...

siblingrevelry · 26/02/2014 09:43

The curious side of me would want to be sure that somehow she's not got the wrong idea-how many times have we spoken to someone after a difficult situation/falling out and wished we'd seen it from the other point of view (as you've presented it she is totally in the wrong to be so rude).

It would niggle at me so I'd probably wait a week or two then approach her and (extremely friendly & politely), just say something along the lines of:

"I'm sorry if I offended you the other day, I just thought you might like to join us and meet some of the moms".

If she's equally rude again you can write her off without a conscience, but she may just give you a valid reason (misheard/misunderstood maybe). Part of this would be my own need for her to be accountable for being so rude though!

cardibach · 26/02/2014 09:50

When DD was about 7 I took her abroad on my own. We went at Easter to an all inclusive resort, which isn't a familiar environment for me - I prefer smaller hotels and more travel based rather than beach and pool holidays. Anyway, DD got playing with another child in the pool and in the bar that evening they were dancing together to the children's entertainment. I was on my own, but really enjoying watching her and not feeling the need for chat/companionship/friendship/whatever. The other girl's family invited me to join them, yes, after some obvious discussion. They may have been feeling sorry for me/patronising me but I chose to take it at face value and went and had a drink with them, although I was more than happy alone. It's what people do in social situations.
You were being nice OP, and she was being odd. I would be polite to her still, of course, and maybe give her another chance, but I'd be aware that she might not be hugely sociable.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 26/02/2014 09:55

Whether or not she is hugely sociable, she was downright rude and I feel sorry for her daughter because its' going to be tough organising playdates if your mum is that much of a bitch.

Beavie · 26/02/2014 09:57

I wish you were at my dd's school OP! Dd started there in nov and so far no one has uttered a word to me.

Anniegoestotown · 26/02/2014 10:05

I can understand why this mother wouldn't want to join a group of people who all know each other.

But at some point in the past the group didn't know each other.

So by all accounts If you start a new job you do not talk to anyone because your work colleagues know each other and you do not speak to groups of people who know each other.

Also Caitlin you say your child has lots of friends, given you say you do not know any of the mums do you allow your son to go in effect and play at a strangers house? Just because you pay for education just means you get a richer kind of weirdo. You do not know what set up there is in peoples homes. At my friends v.expensive school one of people had their convicted peodo brother living in a lodge in the grounds and at dd's v.middle class church school a SAHF was convicted of child porn on his computer.
Also I take it then if he does go around to other people's houses you do not invite the friend back. So are you are one of those mums who expects the SAHM's to entertain your child because you think they haven't anything better to do.

Potus · 26/02/2014 10:17

Well I suppose I must let my d's go and play at strangers houses because although my d's has loads of friends at school, I don't really know any of the parents. This is due to me working but also the fact that we don't live in the village that the school I in and to say that the other parents are cliquey is an understatement. What can I do, not let d's go on play dates? Not really fair on him.

Ev1lEdna · 26/02/2014 10:20

Woah! A little bit of an overreaction but I'm wondering what was going on for her to act like that - she probably regrets it.

Can I just add I'm moving soon and leaving all my wonderful friends here so I hope I meet someone like you who asks me for coffee. I'd be thrilled as I'm dreading not knowing anyone. Don't let it put you off doing it again, it was a lovely thing to do.

Ev1lEdna · 26/02/2014 10:24

Oh and just to add I work but again I would be happy to meet SAHM or working mums. I think differentiating like that is irrational and limiting and I'd rather not prejudge on the criteria of what people do - it isn't the be all and end all.

UriGeller · 26/02/2014 10:57

People are all different.

endlees You didn't get the response you were expecting that's all. After you'd been nominated to break the ice, you got rebuffed.

and maybe her saying that is what passes for a humorous remark. God knows i have to zip my lip enough times when I'm talking to people who don't share my (sometimes) irreverent speaking style. Sometimes I don't and I get funny looks.

GilmoursPillow · 26/02/2014 11:26

I'd let it go but try and catch her another time and offer to go for coffee with her another time when it's convenient for her. I'd leave it open-ended so she's not forced to give an answer and leave the ball in her court.

Tailtwister · 26/02/2014 12:18

It all sounds very strange to me! Such an over the top reaction isn't normal and makes me wonder what else is at play with her situation.

I think you were really nice to invite her over OP and if you had made that offer to me I would have been really grateful and accepted. You had really good intentions and I can see why you were taken aback with the reaction you got. Personally I would give her the benefit of the doubt and maybe try and chat 1:2:1 another time. You don't know what's going on in her life and there may be a very good reason for her response.