To have asked this lady if she'd like to join us for a coffee?

[endlesstidying]

Genuinely not sure here. Maybe it was too much too soon, maybe she was just very shy?

DD's school is just next to a park which has a lovely cafe. As it was a nice day, a group of us took our children there after school (all year 3 so 7 and 8 year olds in school uniform if it matters). While we were there one of DD's friends saw a girl who'd just spent the day at the school with them on some kind of induction day as she's starting there at the start of next term. The girl was immediately dragged off to play with dd and friends - all in sight of the cafe leaving her mum alone.

After a brief discussion with other mums I went over and asked new girls mum if she'd like to come and join us for a coffee while the girls playe. She said "no thanks, I'm not a charity case" and stormed off to sit by herself on a bench.

What on earth was that about? We were only trying to be friendly. I've been lucky so far that DD has not needed to change school and that the parents in her year group are generally very friendly so maybe I missed something?

So AIBU to have asked?

[Caitlin17]

I used the past tense in my posts. Annie assumed I was talking about the present.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

She's not shy, she's rude. Or rude and shy.

She could have said, thanks but not today, or I've got a headache, sorry, or virtually anything but what she did.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

There's no way I'd ask her again.

What an odd defensive response. She can't be a mumsnetters otherwise she would know that 'no' is a complete sentance.

[KristinaM]

Well Caitlin, you're not getting much value for money at your " fee paying school " if your son is still in primary at the age of 23

[Roussette]

Saucyjack I think the bit you've highlighted is actually someone being really nice and not at all arrogant. How on earth do we ever make friends if we don't try and be friendly. Personally, I wouldn't bother again because the mum in question was bloody rude but I take my hat off to the person that does try again because perhaps the mum was having a bad day and didn't mean to be so rude and regrets it.

[Caitlin17]

Annie if you read my posts I referred to having children round or my son being at friends' houses. If it was the weekend I would see the parents at drop off and collection if it was weekday it would have been his nanny.

I didn't lie awake fretting whether the parents were paedophiles. If they were they were hardly going to tell me over a cup of coffee. The school issued class lists with the names, addresses and contact details. My son is 23 . We talked about "bad people" etc. I'd have expected him to tell me if something had happened on a visit to a friend. Do you ask for CRB checks over coffee?

[TamerB]

I would leave well alone. You were friendly, she was rude.

[SaucyJack]

I'd let it go but try and catch her another time and offer to go for coffee with her another time when it's convenient for her.

I'm gonna be frank and ask- do you actually realize how arrogant this sounds?

She has made it abundantly clear she does not want to make asinine small talk with people she doesn't know from Adam go for a coffee with the mums from school. Why would you not just leave it for everyone's sake?

Some of you are making out that you'd be doing her the favour, by giving her a "second chance"- when clearly you're the ones who enjoy the cafe culture, not her.

If she's a true introvert you may as well be offering her a second chance to be smacked in the face with a dog-shit covered stiletto.

[Roussette]

p.s. And ten years later, the ringleader of the Mean Girls moved next door to me and I deliberately went out of my way to make her feel welcome and invited her to all that we do socially in our road. That approach made me feel a lot better actually - higher upper ground and all that, and two wrongs don't make a right etc

[Roussette]

Shy??? Bloody rude more like! There's no reason to be like that when someone is trying to include you.

When my DC's moved schools I would have given anything for such a friendly approach, it was quite hard to start with, a couple of the Mean Girls deliberately ignored me and worked hard at excluding me and it was so upsetting. I got there in the end but I never forgot how unwelcome they made me feel in the playground at a new school and I really tried to be friendly.

[lainiekazan]

Gosh, like others on here I would have fallen to the ground and kissed your feet.

The usual scenario is that new woman (possibly me) would have been standing awkwardly a short distance away from you and your crowd and you would all have either looked straight through me or looked askance or even waved a few placards bearing the slogan "Get Lost New Person".

You were very nice and this woman is clearly weird. That being said, since you are obviously a generous person, I'd give her one more chance if the moment presents itself.

[HelloBoys]

quiet - I'm not excusing the woman's rudeness but some people DO have bad days, aren't great on first impressions/meetings etc or are very shy and find being approached very formidable.

There's no harm in giving a 2nd chance. If she's rude the 2nd time then don't bother again.

[badgerknowsbest]

Yanbu unreasonable to ask and her reaction was strange however I was mugged a couple of months ago and for a while later if any stranger approached me I always assumed the worst not excusing her behaviour though I would personally be friendly to her but I doubt I would offer a coffee or anything again.

[HelloBoys]

Bad day maybe? Yes, she was rude but if you're switching schools mid way through term time then likely her DC has had a bad experience (maybe to do with other pupils, bullying etc), maybe she's scared of the school gate crowd of mums (mufia?)?

I'd do as some others said and ask her another time when quieter. and you do sound really nice OP, that was very kind.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

Yeah, I guess so. It just seems so odd, I can't help looking for backstory.

[ReadyToPopAndFresh]

Doubt it LRD, if they had that kind of reaction..surely the other party would have begged the OP not to go over? OUt of total embarrassment?

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

It's not possible one of your group has had a spat with her in the past and didn't admit to it?

It just seems such an OTT reaction to a stranger, maybe she's got history with someone you know and they didn't like to say so?

[Tailtwister]

There's always a natural divide between SAHM's and WOHM's simply because of the difference in availability. There's a real mix at DH's school, but the SAHM's do tend to group together and be closer friends simply because they are able to meet more often. It doesn't mean they have nothing better to do, but their day is just structured differently. We have class reps who organise evenings out for parents and tbh most people make the effort to go to a few things. It's a nice opportunity to meet people you might otherwise not see on a regular basis and talk about your children. DS is quite a social chap and knows all the names of the mothers, so I often have to ask him who is who!

[Tailtwister]

It all sounds very strange to me! Such an over the top reaction isn't normal and makes me wonder what else is at play with her situation.

I think you were really nice to invite her over OP and if you had made that offer to me I would have been really grateful and accepted. You had really good intentions and I can see why you were taken aback with the reaction you got. Personally I would give her the benefit of the doubt and maybe try and chat 1:2:1 another time. You don't know what's going on in her life and there may be a very good reason for her response.

[GilmoursPillow]

I'd let it go but try and catch her another time and offer to go for coffee with her another time when it's convenient for her. I'd leave it open-ended so she's not forced to give an answer and leave the ball in her court.

[UriGeller]

People are all different.

endlees You didn't get the response you were expecting that's all. After you'd been nominated to break the ice, you got rebuffed.

and maybe her saying that is what passes for a humorous remark. God knows i have to zip my lip enough times when I'm talking to people who don't share my (sometimes) irreverent speaking style. Sometimes I don't and I get funny looks.

[Ev1lEdna]

Oh and just to add I work but again I would be happy to meet SAHM or working mums. I think differentiating like that is irrational and limiting and I'd rather not prejudge on the criteria of what people do - it isn't the be all and end all.

[Ev1lEdna]

Woah! A little bit of an overreaction but I'm wondering what was going on for her to act like that - she probably regrets it.

Can I just add I'm moving soon and leaving all my wonderful friends here so I hope I meet someone like you who asks me for coffee. I'd be thrilled as I'm dreading not knowing anyone. Don't let it put you off doing it again, it was a lovely thing to do.