To have asked this lady if she'd like to join us for a coffee?

[endlesstidying]

Genuinely not sure here. Maybe it was too much too soon, maybe she was just very shy?

DD's school is just next to a park which has a lovely cafe. As it was a nice day, a group of us took our children there after school (all year 3 so 7 and 8 year olds in school uniform if it matters). While we were there one of DD's friends saw a girl who'd just spent the day at the school with them on some kind of induction day as she's starting there at the start of next term. The girl was immediately dragged off to play with dd and friends - all in sight of the cafe leaving her mum alone.

After a brief discussion with other mums I went over and asked new girls mum if she'd like to come and join us for a coffee while the girls playe. She said "no thanks, I'm not a charity case" and stormed off to sit by herself on a bench.

What on earth was that about? We were only trying to be friendly. I've been lucky so far that DD has not needed to change school and that the parents in her year group are generally very friendly so maybe I missed something?

So AIBU to have asked?

[JessMcL]

Sounds to me like she has self confidence issues and is paranoid. Poor thing- that isn't condescending BTW. I know exactly how it feels.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Yanbu at all, what a lively he's true. That woman is just odd

[Aeroflotgirl]

And rude. Even if she felt self consience a polite no thank you would be ok.

[Aeroflotgirl]

What a lovely gesture I meant

[cerealqueen]

Lovely gesture, but who know what sort of day she has had, maybe she has been posting on the Relationships board about her DP/MIL/SIL, who knows. Giver her another chance?

[BrunoBrookesDinedAlone]

Very odd. But she might be shy, have been stressed or having a bad day so give her another chance, definitely. Nowt so complicated as folk.

[Caitlin17]

CorusKate thank you for the "correction". I have very poor eyesight which needs to be corrected by contact lenses. My eyes get very tired by this time of the day and I take my lenses out. Although I'm puzzled why you bothered posting "Renlo not Renlo."

[Thetallesttower]

When a group of mums from my daughter's class asked me if I wanted to sit with them at sports day, as I was sitting alone, I practically fell over in my haste to go and sit with them. Not because I'm desperate, I was quite happy sitting alone, but it was a lovely thing to have done. How often would we say to our children, go and ask such and such to join in or tell them not to exclude anyone?

I agree there may be more to this than meets the eye though, especially with an in-term move. It's a shame the lady didn't feel able to be even a tiny bit friendly, a 'thanks but I'm fine here' would have done, and a smile, but obviously it was not meant to be. I wouldn't ask her to join the group again, but perhaps see if once her child starts she is interested in chatting or looks vaguely friendly- if not, no need to pursue it.

[Caitlin17]

Oh thanks. Apologies.I was a bit puzzled. It didn't sound like your usual style!

[Botanicbaby]

What DarlingGrace said.

Why the need to discuss it amongst yourselves about whether to invite her to join you?

The particular choice of words in her response - 'not being a charity case' - makes me think she felt (rightly or wrongly) that the group's discussion and subsequent invitation was more of an afterthought/taking pity on her perhaps.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Even if she had a bad day a polite no thank you is enough. Try again another time, but if you get the same reaction I would just leave it!

[ReadyToPopAndFresh]

if it had been me who was asked I would not have accepted. The idea of joining a group of, I assume, all SAHM mothers who all knew each other wouldn't have been in the least bit appealing. I wouldn't have said what she said but I wouldn't have been comfortable with or wanted to join you.

Nice... So the 15 years I had a job I was an interesting person worthy of having a coffee with.. but the second my maternity leave ended 2 years ago I became.. what? Did I lose all value as a human?

Op you were not being unreasonable, and even if she heard you guys saying should we invite her over etc.. I still think she was rude. If a group of people feel slightly awkward asking someone to sit with them and are quickly checking with each other if it's the right thing to do.. What's wrong with that? Although it seems unlikely she heard you anyway.

[BrianTheMole]

She probably is shy and has some self esteem issues. It probably didn't help that you all had a discussion about first rather than just asking. Although you were doing a nice thing of course. I agree with CorusKate that shyness does sometimes look like that, and she'll be beating herself up about it for days . Try and give her another chance if you can.

[renlo]

CorusKate - I promise I don't actually bite much

[Mimishimi]

Someone asked me if I wanted to go for a coffee yesterday. The truth was that I didn't have any money in my wallet at the time (no ATM's nearby either) and was also going to meet my husband in the city for lunch. I didn't want to be one of those people who says "oh I don't have any money" and have her offer to pay - so I only told her the last reason when I politely declined and said I'd love to next week. In effect, I didn't want to be a charity case either but it would have been very rude of me to decline by saying that!

[CromeYellow]

Her response says more about her than you, I wouldn't take it personally or judge her for it. You don't know her or what issues she may be facing. She obviously feels bad enough about herself that she assumes that a stranger inviting her for a coffee must be looking down at her and asking out of pity, that's more sad than rude.

[tomverlaine]

I think she was v rude but how did you phrase asking her? If it was something along the lines of are you new/ your daughter is playing with ours etc that's one thing- if it was "you seem to be on your own" it's a bit different.

[MrsRuffdiamond]

I'm inclined to think meerschweinchen may have hit the nail on the head upthread.

Did she realise that you were the parents of the girls her dd was playing with? Could it be that she was embarrassed about being on her own, and thought complete strangers were inviting her to join them because they felt sorry for her? Seems such an OTT reaction otherwise.

[MrsRuffdiamond]

(I'm probably going to be told that I've completely missed the reply where op said that she introduced herself as a mum from the school!)

[Caitlin17]

MrsR You have! I think that's implied by referring to "while the girls were playing" in the first post.

I can understand why the woman didn't want to join in but the way of declining was odd.