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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have asked this lady if she'd like to join us for a coffee?

145 replies

endlesstidying · 25/02/2014 21:04

Genuinely not sure here. Maybe it was too much too soon, maybe she was just very shy?

DD's school is just next to a park which has a lovely cafe. As it was a nice day, a group of us took our children there after school (all year 3 so 7 and 8 year olds in school uniform if it matters). While we were there one of DD's friends saw a girl who'd just spent the day at the school with them on some kind of induction day as she's starting there at the start of next term. The girl was immediately dragged off to play with dd and friends - all in sight of the cafe leaving her mum alone.

After a brief discussion with other mums I went over and asked new girls mum if she'd like to come and join us for a coffee while the girls playe. She said "no thanks, I'm not a charity case" and stormed off to sit by herself on a bench.

What on earth was that about? We were only trying to be friendly. I've been lucky so far that DD has not needed to change school and that the parents in her year group are generally very friendly so maybe I missed something?

So AIBU to have asked?

OP posts:

minouminou · 25/02/2014 21:15

I am very sociable, but (as lovely as your gesture was) I'd have declined if I'd heard the discussion beforehand.
Not because it was patronising of owt, but because I'd have felt under too much obligation to perform (IYSWIM).

However, my response would have been more like:

"D'ya know what, I'm just having a think about this school right now, so maybe grab me another time, thanks!"

You did nothing wrong at all. It's poss she's either socially awkward or is recovering from a mega-mafia at the previous school.

Cringechilli · 25/02/2014 21:16

Steer clear of her in future. She must be a bit strange to be so rude to someone extending the hand of friendship as the dc are going to be at school together.

Even if she heard the discussion, I cannot see what the problem could be. It was perfectly reasonable of you (or whoever) to ask the group if they agreed it was the right thing to do.

Wonder why they're leaving their current school...I've known 2 people who took their dc out of a school and into another nearby one, in both cases they badmouthed the school, the other dc etc when in fact they were the problem. And in the new school, the problems are absolutely identical because they are caused by that child/family.

roundtable · 25/02/2014 21:18

Shy would not be my choice of adjective either from the opening post.

meerschweinchen · 25/02/2014 21:19

Did she realise that you were the parents of the girls her dd was playing with? Could it be that she was embarrassed about being on her own, and thought complete strangers were inviting her to join them because they felt sorry for her? Seems such an OTT reaction otherwise.

FreudiansSlipper · 25/02/2014 21:19

what was the brief discussion with other mums

if it was shall we invite her over to sit with us well I can understand her being pissed off. why would one of you just ask rather than do you think she will fit in discussion, a yes from all so lets ask seems rather patronising

if not well maybe it seemed that way

Oubliette0292 · 25/02/2014 21:19

I might have reacted like that (and then spent ages regretting it) - although I wouldn't have stormed off, just stayed on my own. I'm just not good in improptu social occassions - especially if they involve a group who already know each other.

YANBU to have asked her - but please don't hold her reaction against her.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 25/02/2014 21:20

Sounds like you had a lucky escape OP. Odd woman

ineedanexcuse · 25/02/2014 21:20

I read "no thanks, I'm not a charity case" as the Mum thought you were offering to buy her coffee and she reacted badly because she couldnt afford to buy herself a drink and you all knew somehow.

Poor lady ,driving away potential helpers when she probably most needs friends.

WorraLiberty · 25/02/2014 21:21

but please don't hold her reaction against her

Why not?

"no thanks, I'm not a charity case"...before storming off is very fucking rude.

She wouldn't get another chance from me, unless she apologised.

formerbabe · 25/02/2014 21:22

Really nice gesture of you...stay open minded about her, maybe she was having a crap day or is a nervous person.

minouminou · 25/02/2014 21:23

I'm for giving her another go.
But only one.

Shakey1500 · 25/02/2014 21:24

It is a weird reaction. But I wouldn't write her off (as such) completely and would hope that it was a reactionary response based on who knows what. Perhaps she's unwell, maybe they're really new to the area, possible wary of new people etc etc etc. She could be kicking herself tonight and embarrassed by her OTT and unwarranted response. So I'd still be casually friendly next time I saw her.

Or she could be a twat.

VoyageDeVerity · 25/02/2014 21:26

Steer clear
Yanbu

SaucyJack · 25/02/2014 21:30

YANBU to ask but we're not all joiners-in.

She was probably quite happy to be left on her own. It doesn't mean she's "struggling".

Ilovexmastime · 25/02/2014 21:31

She sounds very rude to me. I'd give her another chance, just to be sure, but I wouldn't hold your breath. You sound lovely btw.

Shlurpbop · 25/02/2014 21:31

YANBU
If I had been her I would have been so relieved to have some other mums invite me into their friendship group.
She seems like she has a real chip on her shoulder about something.
Might be worth giving her one last chance though, if only for her daughter a sake?

Ilovexmastime · 25/02/2014 21:32

But Saucy Jack, if she was happy to be on her own, why did she have to be so rude? A simple, no thank you, I'm fine would have sufficed surely?

Bunbaker · 25/02/2014 21:33

"She was probably quite happy to be left on her own."

So why was she so rude then? If I had wanted to be on my own I would have at least thanked the OP for the kind offer.

IorekByrnisonsArmour · 25/02/2014 21:33

Today I spoke to a teacher at the school gate about some trivial issues, compared to the mother who was talking to another teacher regarding her DCs DF breaching a restraining order

Her DS is in my DDs class, they are moving soon.

You just done know what's going on in other people's lives. If I had read the OP yesterday, I would have thought loon but after today I wouldn't.

You did a lovely thing today. Don't hold today against her. Who knows what/who she's moving from.

Fakebook · 25/02/2014 21:35

Having a bad day doesn't give you a free ticket to go around being an arsehole to someone making a kind gesture.

SaucyJack · 25/02/2014 21:35

Because it was perfectly clear that you'd all taken pity on the poor billy-no-mates......

I should imagine she was embarrassed.

WorraLiberty · 25/02/2014 21:37

Christ I have a feeling some of you would find 'reasons' to excuse anything if you tried hard enough

If the woman wants another chance then she needs to apologise

She was nasty and there's no need for it, no matter what she has going on.

shewhowines · 25/02/2014 21:39

How rude. She could have declined politely.

Oh well. She's made her bed now...

WorraLiberty · 25/02/2014 21:39

"A completely strange woman ran at me in the park and kicked me straight up the arse for no reason"

"Well maybe she was having a bad day or her goldfish needs an expensive operation?"

Coldlightofday · 25/02/2014 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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