to make a fuss about how much dp sees/does things for his ex-w or am I being too controlling?

[BlueLagoon1]

please be honest with me, have name changed

dp and I have lived together for a few years. He is the loveliest bloke I have ever met but with him being lovely comes the fact that he hates upsetting anyone.

His split from his ex-w was quite traumatic. She appears to have quite significant mental health issues (depression, she has attempted suicide in the past). They have a dc together and even to this day, she will call him up and say she isn't coping and dp is expected to drop everything to help out, which of course he does.

I have never given him a hard time about this as it involves children and they must always be a priority. However, i am pretty convinced that there are times when his ex does this knowing that it is ruining time for me and him (we all live in the same town so she appears to always know when we are going away). Dp and I had been planning a trip away to Europe for the Valentines day weekend but at the last minute, she threw a wobbly and dp had to take his son out for the day and we had to cancel our trip and we lost everything we had paid for the weekend.

This week, she is burying her father. She has been calling him around 30 times a day. She calls and calls until he answers. If he doesn't answer, she sends messages threatening to turn up at the house (she has done this before). When dp stands up to her a bit, she does back down but she threatens him with all sorts, it is all very unpleasant.

So on Saturday night, we had a night out planned together. He has been running around doing stuff for his ex all week and i was really looking forward to some time on our own. When it got to going home time, he bumped into a friend and wanted to stay out later (I had to get back, I have dcs and couldn't leave them any later) so I ended up going back on my own. Normally this might not bother me but I hadn't seen him all week and that morning, rather than coming out with me, he had gone with ex dw to put their old dog down together (an appointment she scheduled for the weekend rather than any day during the week when dp/she doesn't work). So for a change i threw a wobbly.

He says he doesn't get it, he says he loves me, he has to handle her this way or it will be worse for us. He says he was very sorry about Saturday but he doesn't see it the way I see it and he just wanted a few more drinks and what's the problem. For context, I work 5 days a week, he doesn't work currently, so that was the only night I could go out with him. He went out, on his own, with his mates, 3 other nights that week so it's not like he hadn't been out.

I think he has to grow a backbone and stand up for himself (and me for that matter) more otherwise me and him can't ever move forward without her shadow being there.

AIBU with that thought?

Frankly it sounds as though you might be able to take out an injunction to stop her harassing you and prosecute if necessary. A 15yo boy doesn't need the contact numerous times of day.

I hope you have a good weekend.

Thanks mistle. Dp saw his ds on Saturday and all was ok. He has taken a hard line with ex w and today we have gone to see some friends and family a couple of hours drive away.

Ex w has been calling incessantly. Dp has kept the line so after a while ex w got hold of ds's phone and started texted/calling on that. She appears to have stopped now but her last text said 'you have a choice between your whore and your son, make your choice'.

A few hours later ds (and this time it was ds) was calling and he said you have made mum so miserable. Why can't you come back and look after her. Mum says you have chosen your girlfriend and her kids over me. I am never talking to you again, don't contact me, don't ever come near me again.

Dp has stuck to his guns but is obviously devastated about his son. He said if he had stayed with ex w all those years ago he would have ended up dead because he couldn't cope with what she was doing to him so he had to leave and he has been gone for yonks.

Sad thing is, when he was last at the house, there were loads of photos of weekends away she has been having with friends /family and friends she has been seeing and she had a boyfriend at one stage. But what she can't do is have him have a life without her so the minute he seems happy she steps in to sabotage it. She really is a piece of work, especially using their ds as a pawn.

I don't understand why a 15 year old is allowed to choose who he wants to live with if the adult he has chosen is unstable?

Fair enough if she was he should be able to choose. But why hasn't ss said he can't stay there?

I'm glad your dp is finally making his stand and whilst I feel with him about his ds I can't help but feel so sorry for this poor child who has been conditioned into this. I hope your dp will tell him that their relationship has nothing to do with the relationship between the parents and he is there is ds needs him.

Thanks

He is old enough to choose I believe and none of the relevant authorities are involved enough to think she might not be suitable. The more this goes on, the less he seems to want to see dp which is v sad.

Dp and I went to a hospital appointment today (for his chest). We only knew he had to go this morning and we told no one else and have been together the whole time (ie no one else could have known). Ex w called and said I know you are at the hospital. Dp asked how she knew and she said one of our friends told her except we know that isn't possible. It now appears that before dp left (which was years ago) she installed tracking software on his phone. In a way I am relieved we figured this out because she has turned up at events on a few occasions and we've wondered how she's known where we are. Once dp confronted her with this, she went v quiet and didn't deny it so it seems it is true. She has been far less confrontational today and barely called and I do think the mere fact that dp has told her he isn't tolerating it seems to have worked.

She has tracking software on his phone?!!?!?!?!!?!!?! I'd have the police called and an harassment order on her faster than you could blink if I found that out.

and I'd buy a new phone.

If she has covertly installed tracking software on his phone and has been using it to stalk him, now would be the time to go and get legal advice.

But this would only work if your DP was determined to make stand. Legal advice would be a waste of money with him operating as her enabler and her being his priority, above his child and certainly above you.

I don't know, but could you not register a complaint about the social workers or whoever was responsible for not sectioning her? She is a danger to herself and others, I thought that was the necessary condition.

Have you posted about this before, this sounds very familiar? If it was, the advice is still the same, his focus should be about supporting his son. His son is the one who lives with this woman, so you can imagine the hell he goes through. I'm sorry but you missing a Valentines weekend pales into insignificance when compared to this poor lads predicament. His child's wellbeing should be his priority, he should be contacting agencies and accessing support for his child.

The real tragedy here is a young man has had his childhood and probably his future blighted by all this and the focus of all the adults has been themselves.

OP, have you thought of posting in Legal about the occupying your car (for want of a better word) incessant phone calls, software on dp's phone etc.

Also, if she's occupying your work mobile, how about asking work if you can change your mobile number due to harrassment?

The other thing, why doesn't your dp write to all the family telling them that they are divorced? Otherwise he's just perpetuating her make-believe of happy families, and he's enabling her.