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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to make a fuss about how much dp sees/does things for his ex-w or am I being too controlling?

138 replies

BlueLagoon1 · 24/02/2014 14:14

please be honest with me, have name changed

dp and I have lived together for a few years. He is the loveliest bloke I have ever met but with him being lovely comes the fact that he hates upsetting anyone.

His split from his ex-w was quite traumatic. She appears to have quite significant mental health issues (depression, she has attempted suicide in the past). They have a dc together and even to this day, she will call him up and say she isn't coping and dp is expected to drop everything to help out, which of course he does.

I have never given him a hard time about this as it involves children and they must always be a priority. However, i am pretty convinced that there are times when his ex does this knowing that it is ruining time for me and him (we all live in the same town so she appears to always know when we are going away). Dp and I had been planning a trip away to Europe for the Valentines day weekend but at the last minute, she threw a wobbly and dp had to take his son out for the day and we had to cancel our trip and we lost everything we had paid for the weekend.

This week, she is burying her father. She has been calling him around 30 times a day. She calls and calls until he answers. If he doesn't answer, she sends messages threatening to turn up at the house (she has done this before). When dp stands up to her a bit, she does back down but she threatens him with all sorts, it is all very unpleasant.

So on Saturday night, we had a night out planned together. He has been running around doing stuff for his ex all week and i was really looking forward to some time on our own. When it got to going home time, he bumped into a friend and wanted to stay out later (I had to get back, I have dcs and couldn't leave them any later) so I ended up going back on my own. Normally this might not bother me but I hadn't seen him all week and that morning, rather than coming out with me, he had gone with ex dw to put their old dog down together (an appointment she scheduled for the weekend rather than any day during the week when dp/she doesn't work). So for a change i threw a wobbly.

He says he doesn't get it, he says he loves me, he has to handle her this way or it will be worse for us. He says he was very sorry about Saturday but he doesn't see it the way I see it and he just wanted a few more drinks and what's the problem. For context, I work 5 days a week, he doesn't work currently, so that was the only night I could go out with him. He went out, on his own, with his mates, 3 other nights that week so it's not like he hadn't been out.

I think he has to grow a backbone and stand up for himself (and me for that matter) more otherwise me and him can't ever move forward without her shadow being there.

AIBU with that thought?

OP posts:
steff13 · 26/02/2014 19:13

Have you called the police?

MistressDeeCee · 26/02/2014 19:18

I agree with balding that he's getting something out of it and Im minded to think he is still in a relationship with her, including sleeping with her/inducing her to believe they are still in a relationship. I cant believe he's been carting her around in OPs car. He's playing a very dishonest game here.

Hoping OP has called the police, and is ok...

AnyFuckerHQ · 26/02/2014 19:22

I agree there is more to this than meets the eye. The Op's partner is still in a relationship with this woman, or has lied about "overlap" and is terrified the "crazy" lady will spill the beans. Hence, pacifying her beyond the point which all reasonable good guy behaviour would have been well and truly used up.

badbaldingballerina123 · 26/02/2014 19:42

I'm aware how hard these things are to deal with , and I'm all for being supportive when someone is struggling , but how many years has this been going on for ?

What actual real life practical things has he done to deal with this ? He makes himself out to be the victim here , but actually he's not , I bet he fucking loves it. And the crying , constant bleating to you about it , acting the victim , I'd send him back to her.

I don't accept the police throw their hands in the air at all . How many times has he rang them in total ? Did he ring them when she came to your house and was screaming abuse ?

MistressDeeCee · 26/02/2014 19:45

When men want to dangle the ex & current partner - the ex inexplicably always has mental health issues and is an unreasonable, swivel-eyed screaming harpie...

KeinBock · 26/02/2014 19:55

I have known a woman to behave more or less exactly as the ex has been described. There were key differences, however. Firstly, this person was a raging alcoholic. Secondly, the ex husband stopped pandering to her, even when she attempted suicide.

I disagree with those that suggest that your dp is still in a relationship with this woman, but he clearly needs to put his foot down. He also needs to get a full time job ASAP. As things stand, your relationship clearly isn't viable.

Original poster
BlueLagoon1 · 26/02/2014 20:30

Hi just as an update, she has been sectioned tonight

I know there are people reading and commenting on this thread thinking that I am talking bollocks about her having mental health issues but I have met her and friends of theirs who really don't even know me have commented that she has always had mental health problems where she has refused help offered etc (tbh one of the things about running your own business from home is that no-one self regulates your behaviour - I know that sounds weird but when you are not compelled to get up and go to work each day, you can, to a certain extent, keep your mental health issues hidden from the outside world).

I am looking after their ds who, at the moment, doesn't know what has happened to his mum and dp is with the police sorting out the details.

Big sigh all round.

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 26/02/2014 20:33

Sounds as if that's the best place for her.

Hope that your DSS copes OK.

I hope that this is a turning point in your relationship with your P. However, you do need to get the lines down on what is acceptable - and him working for the business but not being given any wage for it is not acceptable.

BitOutOfPractice · 26/02/2014 20:33

Oh lord!

I was coming to say YANBU but she may need a little bit of understanding having busied her dad and lost her dog this week. Clearly it all got too much

Good luck and best wishes to you all

BitOutOfPractice · 26/02/2014 20:34

*buried

nauticant · 26/02/2014 20:43

Please OP try and get your DP to give full disclosure to the police and other services about what's been going on. The protecting of her is making it worse for all of you.

I quite like the idea of busying a dad.

Original poster
BlueLagoon1 · 26/02/2014 20:44

If she's been sectioned, does that mean she will stay in hospital tonight? They did mention that they were taking her to hospital with the intention of getting her sectioned but I'm guessing it depends on availability of beds and whether they think, at the hospital, she should be sectioned? Is that right? I'm just wondering whether I need to watch out for her turning up here as she will hate the fact that ds is here (if she knows he is).

OP posts:
senua · 26/02/2014 20:44

DP can hand over to someone else, now that the police have her. He needs to be with his DS (and you, if you still want him). She is not his problem any more.

gilliangoof · 26/02/2014 20:47

I don't know about this. From the part of the thread I have read everyone seems to be saying your dp is being unreasonable. But if my husband left I would fully expect him to continue helping me raise our children. That would not just be help with childcare. I would expect help with DIY and repairs in the home, car etc and if we had a business then help with that too. Because he married me and built a home with me and started a family with me. So even if he walked away or I asked him to leave I would expect both of us to continue to support that family. So if he kept the children it would be my responsibility to help him out as much as I could. We are a family whether we split up and see other people or not at least until the children are adults.

YANB wanting him to spend more time with you. If he is helping his wife and DC out so much he should be spending most of the rest of your mutual free time with you and not going out with his mates so much.

gilliangoof · 26/02/2014 20:48

Gees. I have just glanced up the thread and have seen circumstances have changed a lot since the beginning of the thread. My comment is not at all relevant now.

NatashaBee · 26/02/2014 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

henrysmate · 26/02/2014 20:57

So sad, but to be honest, the best thing for all of you. When the dust has settled a little bit, you can raise your concerns about over-involvement with your OH now, with no guilt. Sectioning isn't done lightly but I expect it will absolve some of your OHs guilt too, he can't make this better on his own, however hard he tries. Now he can concentrate on his son and leave her in the hands of professionals.
Again, my heart goes out to you all, it's a terrible situation.

Stripyhoglets · 26/02/2014 20:58

Depends on whether the doctors think she needs to be kept in compulsorily or not, they may do if she is threatening to kill herself, you should also tell the police about her threats to kill you, witnesses or not it will be on record then.

WilsonFrickett · 26/02/2014 21:07

I'm not sure what will happen at the hospital OP but things have now reached a crisis point - this is a good thing. Things could not have kept on the way they were.

So for tonight I think you do nothing - obviously you have DSD to look after too. But it has to be cards on the table time very soon with your P.

He is enabling all this - but you know that. Now she is in professional hands it is the right time for a clean break, but only you and he know if he is prepared to do that.

gilliangoof · 26/02/2014 21:17

Natashabee - like I said I would help him in a similar manner if he kept the children. I just think when you have children you should help maintain their home whether you still live there or not.

dollymixedup · 26/02/2014 21:24

If she is sectioned she will stay in hospital - in all honesty I think it is unlikely that she will be (in context my best friend was recently deemed not section able whilst hearing voices telling her to hurt herself and people). More likely that they will convince her to stay voluntary, maybe with a threat of a section. It totally depends on what happened with the police and how they/she presents at A&E.

I'd be very wary of your OH getting roped into looking after her - he should focus on his son and get another friend to be with her at hosp.

Best wishes with it all.

AnyFuckerHQ · 26/02/2014 21:43

OP, watch out that when she is released that they insist on doing it into the care of a reliable adult

your partner

henrysmate · 26/02/2014 22:02

AnyFuckerHQ, they're divorced so no one would presume that he would care for her. Unless he offers of course, in which case, OP can just quietly bow out at that point. But this is a perfect opportunity for him to draw a line in the sand and make new rules, it's in his hands now.

AnyFuckerHQ · 26/02/2014 22:04

Yes, I agree, henrysmate

But if exW insists how will he refuse when he has refused her nothing before......

badbaldingballerina123 · 26/02/2014 22:23

Gillegoof , it's a nice sentiment but it rarely works out like that . If both partners were that committed to the family and children and being supportive it wouldn't get to the point of a divorce in the first place.

I agree with anyfucker , he hasn't been able to assert himself previously over minor things. I would call the police if she turns up.

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