to make a fuss about how much dp sees/does things for his ex-w or am I being too controlling?

[BlueLagoon1]

please be honest with me, have name changed

dp and I have lived together for a few years. He is the loveliest bloke I have ever met but with him being lovely comes the fact that he hates upsetting anyone.

His split from his ex-w was quite traumatic. She appears to have quite significant mental health issues (depression, she has attempted suicide in the past). They have a dc together and even to this day, she will call him up and say she isn't coping and dp is expected to drop everything to help out, which of course he does.

I have never given him a hard time about this as it involves children and they must always be a priority. However, i am pretty convinced that there are times when his ex does this knowing that it is ruining time for me and him (we all live in the same town so she appears to always know when we are going away). Dp and I had been planning a trip away to Europe for the Valentines day weekend but at the last minute, she threw a wobbly and dp had to take his son out for the day and we had to cancel our trip and we lost everything we had paid for the weekend.

This week, she is burying her father. She has been calling him around 30 times a day. She calls and calls until he answers. If he doesn't answer, she sends messages threatening to turn up at the house (she has done this before). When dp stands up to her a bit, she does back down but she threatens him with all sorts, it is all very unpleasant.

So on Saturday night, we had a night out planned together. He has been running around doing stuff for his ex all week and i was really looking forward to some time on our own. When it got to going home time, he bumped into a friend and wanted to stay out later (I had to get back, I have dcs and couldn't leave them any later) so I ended up going back on my own. Normally this might not bother me but I hadn't seen him all week and that morning, rather than coming out with me, he had gone with ex dw to put their old dog down together (an appointment she scheduled for the weekend rather than any day during the week when dp/she doesn't work). So for a change i threw a wobbly.

He says he doesn't get it, he says he loves me, he has to handle her this way or it will be worse for us. He says he was very sorry about Saturday but he doesn't see it the way I see it and he just wanted a few more drinks and what's the problem. For context, I work 5 days a week, he doesn't work currently, so that was the only night I could go out with him. He went out, on his own, with his mates, 3 other nights that week so it's not like he hadn't been out.

I think he has to grow a backbone and stand up for himself (and me for that matter) more otherwise me and him can't ever move forward without her shadow being there.

AIBU with that thought?

Sounds like you've hit the nail on the head, his guilt will drive him to do whatever she says. I doubt this terrible manipulation only started when he left though, I wonder what her excuse was when they were together?
This is a terrible situation for you all, much bigger than just you, it must be very painful for you to witness what is effectively the emotional abuse of your stepson and be able to say or do so little to help.
From the outside, it's really your DH that needs to make the first move though, whatever is seen to come from you won't be welcomed. He either steps in and stops his son being raised thinking it's OK to run people over because they're in a new relationship (and facing Social Services and all that entails) or he steps back and focuses on you. Dithering about at the edges of this one isn't going to cut the mustard.

thank you Wilson, it is so nice to talk to people who understand. I must admit, I am meeting his best friend this week (a woman) as I am not sure I can do this any longer but I want to sound her out because if I kick dp out he has nowhere to go. With no income of his own and with the settlement still pending, he will be homeless. The problem is I do love him and I will actually take henry's advice, and hang on till Friday. We are going out for dinner on Friday night and I think I have to lay down the law then but I also have to be realistic. He is in his late 40s. He was with her for 2 decades. I think the chances of a man in his late 40s changing his behaviour is very slim and suddenly morphing into someone he isn't. And I have to face the reality that if he can't change, then really I can't put up with this long term.

Having said all that, it hasn't always been this bad. The death of her father plus all the other issues have made it worse and maybe it will improve after the funeral. But tbh, we will always be at her whim I think.

One of his ex's met me the other day while his ex w was calling incessantly. He went out to take the call. She turned to me and said 'you know this will never stop don't you, not until her deathbed will she give up on pestering him'. She even had a boyfriend (the exw) at some stage but she never gave up pestering him.

I will have a chat with him on Friday and see what he says. Ultimately, i need more than words this time but a bit more demonstrable action.

No, but once DSD turns 18 the dynamics could change completely. My DSD went off to university and everything changed from that day forward, because DH didn't need to answer her calls - it was truly like a light switch flicking off. And DSD was completely fine with things because she was off making her new life for herself.

I'm not saying hang on forever or that you shouldn't set some boundaries, but once the full responsibility for DSD is off his shoulders, things will probably improve.

If he receives no money from the business (as per the divorce and the pending settlement) why, if they need him, is he not paid as an employee? He seems to still be doing the work but now for free and more at her whim ..... I can understand a lot more why he picks up the slack relating to his DS, but this confuses me.

Jesus you and your DP have been through the mill haven't you? what an unhinged woman,
You can't live like this though, its ultimatum time. I would consider involving the police.

I feel exhausted reading your posts

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

Hi wilson, yes that's my hope!

Re what do I get out of it, I have asked that question myself but when we are together we have a lovely time. He is v good with the kids. As I am working full time and youngest ds still needs a bit of looking after, he keeps an eye on him, drives him to his clubs, sorts out their uniform etc, does all the washing. When we are together it is fabulous. The difficulty is the interruptions. I have seriously thought about ending it solely because of this.

The police have already been involved but nothing seems to have come out of it. Dp was the one that called them last time she ran off with the pills. At first the police treated him with suspicion (they later told us this is normal - apparently one of their checklists is men killing their wives then them claiming the wife has disappeared (!) ) but once she turned up they did some basic child protection checks and then just told him to keep an eye on her. Nothing else came out of it.

I am exhausted by the way. Totally exhausted. Tonight he is having an interview to be offered a job that will last a few months in the summer. I really hope he gets it. At some stage I have to weigh up whether I can cope with full time work (which I need to do as I get no money from my ex-h, I earn more than him but then have to maintain my job to pay the expenses), the children plus his issues which do impact me! Argh!

Just as a quick update- he has booked for us to have dinner on Friday. Today he was supposed to go to a family meeting (I don't see why he needed to go) about the funeral and the will of the father in law. Apparently his ex w has not told all their family friends (these are older people, friends of her father's who was in his 80s) so she wanted him to go. He told me this morning it would be 30mins. It's been 3 and a half hours and he picked the wife up and went with her. I am at the end of my tether. He has a parents evening tonight (fair enough). Thursday is the funeral and the ex w has booked a breakfast for all the family and friends so he will be there from like 8am till late (as there is the funeral then a wake afterwards and she doesn't want him to leave till everyone else does to maintain the illusion of them being together).

If I last till the dinner on Friday, it will be a miracle :(. He is calling me a lot and trying to reassure me but it isn't helping much :(.

This absolutely isn't on. She is his ex wife - the reading of the will has nothing to do with him and he should not have attended. In constantly acquiescing to her demands he is stopping her from doing what she needs to - turning to other people for help.

I think it's time to start getting tough and saying that unless he backs away from his very controlling woman, who knows EXACTLY what she is doing, then you may as well not be together.

You will have to end this BlueLagoon,I am so angry on your behalf!!!
You deserve so much more than this,please stop putting up with it.He will always put her needs first,never yours.Tell him you have had enough,it might shock him once he knows you are serious but you will have to follow through.

Oh dear blue, I'm annoyed for you, stay till late to give the illusion they are together? and he's agreeing to this? not on at all.

You really cannot go on like this. You deserve to be put first and treated decently by the man in your life.

He has probably lived like this for so long he cannot see the wood for the trees, so you need to piont out that this is far fron normal or reasonable. I wouldn't wait until Friday and would be telling him to come home now and not to attend anything else which is to do with her family. What she tells them is her problem.

I suspect that you are not going to win this - they have had years of this. You should be prepared to end the relationship if he is unwilling or unable to make drastic change straight away. Because in the end he can either pander to her or have a real relationship with you, but he cannot have both.

I hope he wakes up, but if he doesn't then you really would be better off out of it.

A part of me would be tempted to pack my bags and let him come home to an empty house, but thats perhaps mean, but may be the only way to 'wake him up'.

Thanks everyone. I do feel so much better with the support.

I am going to wait till Friday for the main reason that my dcs are going to their father's then. If there is going to be any sort of raised voices or confrontation, I would far rather they weren't there tbh. So I have to keep schtum till then.

You know what, I don't think he sees anything wrong with it either - I agree he is so used to it, he thinks this is perfectly normal. I had a long chat with his best friend today - she told me he has been avoiding her and she thinks it's because he knows she will bollock him. All his friends think he is absolutely mental for spending this much time with the woman who has ultimately wrecked his life and is quite willing to use their child as a pawn.

It is ultimatum time on Friday. I will find it unbelievably difficult to make it through to then but for the sake of my kids, I need to so that so I am going to really focus on spending time with them after work and not dp till then! Argh! I really don't get it though. Someone told me they think dp effectively acts and behaves like someone who has been serially abused - she has physically abused him and emotionally manipulates everyone yet he still goes back for more as if he can't avoid her, it is bizarre. I am actually going to suggest to him (whether me or him survive this or not) that he should go for counselling for the sake of that poor child as much as anything else who after all is the biggest victim in all of this (he is in so much trouble at school etc etc)

Has this bloke actually split with his wife ?

What did you say to him when he came home? I would barely be able to contain my anger, I think this is an issue that is too ingrained.

Don't date someone with history if yoi can't cope with it...

Actually YABU.

You kind of minimize it in your posts but clearly her father has just died, her dog has been put down and she suffers from mental health issues. Of course she's going to be struggling a bit at the moment.

And it doesn't sound like it's doing it on purpose to annoy you, she didn't get her father to die on cue just to ruin your weekend in Europe.

If it was just in normal circumstance then I could understand, but she's clearly going through a really traumatic time at the moment and I think it's very decent of your partner to support her through that for the sake of their child.

If it continues perhaps wait a while and kick off when things are back to normal. But kicking off when she's just lost her father is unpleasant.

Dukketeater there's normal "history" and then there's being expected to accommodate a completely abnormal relationship with an excessively manipulative ex!

OP, I have nothing constructive to add. I personally wouldn't be able o wait until Friday but I can understand why you feel you must. I just wanted to wish you luck as I sadly suspect you're right about the prospects of your DP changing now. If he hasn't even got the cojones to ask for payment for the work he's doing in the business or else refuse to do it pending the settlement, I seriously doubt he's able to make NAND more fundamental changes.

Sorry, that should be to wait and any more.

I was sad to read that you had to cancel your weekend away because he had to take his son out. Then I read his son is 15 years old! Surely a 15 year old understands that occasionally, his dad needs a bit of rest!

I agree that he is an important part of your lives, but to cancel a rare holiday on a whim. I would be livid.

I do agree that a holiday should be cancelled for an emergency, accident etc, but not because his ex throws a tantrum.

At 15 I am surprised his son hasnt started to say he wants to live with you both. There are lots of threads where teenagers just leave home where they want to live with the other parent.

What happened at the will reading. Does she get a lump sum, if so does that mean she will now pay out what she owes him?
How come she can't afford to pay out your DP but can afford private education?

Is the best approach for Friday to say "Remind me again why you left her. How did you feel - was it good? Explain why you are sliding back to what you escaped from"

Also, I would encourage him to get a job. Anything from flipping burgers to volunteering - just so he can say, next time she asks for help, that he is not available.

Were you the reason he left his wife?

he should go for counselling for the sake of that poor child as much as anything else who after all is the biggest victim in all of this (he is in so much trouble at school etc etc)

Don't make any plans based on the assumption that at 18 their son will be off to university, will make a life for himself, and your DP will be able to gain significant freedom from his ex.

I think you need to walk away.

It's a massively complicated situation. Sounds like the DS is so caught up in wanting to do anything to stop his mum killing herself (been there with my dad) that it's all he can see. Your DP needs to be focused on helping his son but instead he's focusing on trying to 'fix' her. Ultimately, she's ill and needs professional help & the only way for them to break free is to let go of responsibility for her safety. I had to reach the place where I accepted that I couldn't stand between my dad and suicide. That's not an overnight realisation and for your DP it's complicated by the fact that his priority must be his son. Whether or not your DP wakes up and realises that he needs to make changes, he is still chained to a car-crash situation.

You mention at least one ex-girlfriend who has told you this will never change. I think you need to listen to her.