to make a fuss about how much dp sees/does things for his ex-w or am I being too controlling?

[BlueLagoon1]

please be honest with me, have name changed

dp and I have lived together for a few years. He is the loveliest bloke I have ever met but with him being lovely comes the fact that he hates upsetting anyone.

His split from his ex-w was quite traumatic. She appears to have quite significant mental health issues (depression, she has attempted suicide in the past). They have a dc together and even to this day, she will call him up and say she isn't coping and dp is expected to drop everything to help out, which of course he does.

I have never given him a hard time about this as it involves children and they must always be a priority. However, i am pretty convinced that there are times when his ex does this knowing that it is ruining time for me and him (we all live in the same town so she appears to always know when we are going away). Dp and I had been planning a trip away to Europe for the Valentines day weekend but at the last minute, she threw a wobbly and dp had to take his son out for the day and we had to cancel our trip and we lost everything we had paid for the weekend.

This week, she is burying her father. She has been calling him around 30 times a day. She calls and calls until he answers. If he doesn't answer, she sends messages threatening to turn up at the house (she has done this before). When dp stands up to her a bit, she does back down but she threatens him with all sorts, it is all very unpleasant.

So on Saturday night, we had a night out planned together. He has been running around doing stuff for his ex all week and i was really looking forward to some time on our own. When it got to going home time, he bumped into a friend and wanted to stay out later (I had to get back, I have dcs and couldn't leave them any later) so I ended up going back on my own. Normally this might not bother me but I hadn't seen him all week and that morning, rather than coming out with me, he had gone with ex dw to put their old dog down together (an appointment she scheduled for the weekend rather than any day during the week when dp/she doesn't work). So for a change i threw a wobbly.

He says he doesn't get it, he says he loves me, he has to handle her this way or it will be worse for us. He says he was very sorry about Saturday but he doesn't see it the way I see it and he just wanted a few more drinks and what's the problem. For context, I work 5 days a week, he doesn't work currently, so that was the only night I could go out with him. He went out, on his own, with his mates, 3 other nights that week so it's not like he hadn't been out.

I think he has to grow a backbone and stand up for himself (and me for that matter) more otherwise me and him can't ever move forward without her shadow being there.

AIBU with that thought?

seasick if the OP was objecting for no reason to her dp being a bit supportive of the mother of his child at a difficult time, then she would have taken a proper flaming on here.

But the fact is, the ex is always this demanding and the OP is having to suck up all the consequences of it, emotionally and financially. She has had a hate campaign waged against her.

The ex's mh issues are not the OPs responsibility. Neither are they the dps for that matter. Am I the only one who thinks that getting divorced means you are no more responsible for your ex than you would be for the person living down the road?

The OP relates several specific incidents which all relate to the last week or so. When her father has just died and her dog has just been put down.

I don't know about any hate campaign, is this from another thread?

They might not have any responsibility for her but he does have a responsibility to his child, which means that if she is struggling with mental health issues and a crisis like these two happens together he should offer support to help her maintain stability for the sake of his child.

I'm not denying that there is a problem with the ex, there may well be. But I think the week after her Dad's died and her dog has been put down is really not the appropriate time to tackle this.

Sorry, I think people are making the assumption that I should know some big back story to this. I don't. I am basing my posts on what's written here. If other people know further information which changes this then obviously they will know different. But I don't know how I was expected to know this...

I think the right time to tackle this is when the OP's decided she's had enough. That seems to be about now.

Good luck OP! You sound like you've just run out of vast stores of patience.

If this were me, I'd call it quits. The son is 15 so at best you have another three years of her calling on him for everything. If the DS is being used as a pawn. She has the business but uses him as and when it suits her. If he is putting up with it, more fool him. He may be lovely but he is a doormat. I'm sorry she has had some losses recently but this leaning on him isn't new is it?

Do you think it might actually be worth a trial separation?

I can sympathise with the DP. He is caught between a rock and a hard place and desperately trying to do the right thing by his DS. Unfortunately, because that means being controlled by his XW, it means he cannot ever treat you the way you should be treated by a life partner.

That doesn't make him bad. It just means his life is incompatible with a meaningful romantic relationship at present.

While you may love him enough to suck it up for a while, it sets a dangerous precedent that you may never overcome once the XW's control fades as your DSS leaves. It can also do unseen but irreparable damage to your self esteem, your boundaries in other relationships, and ultimately your outlook on life.

It's a high price to pay. Might you be better off saying to your DP that it's just too much right now and suggesting some time apart to see how you feel?

Well just when I thought it could get no worse...

Dp has been helping his ds with the funeral as his ds wants to read a small eulogy as he loved his grandad. Dp went to the printers to print the eulogy today, at the request of ds and ex w. When he came out the printers, ex w was there and asked him for a lift home and then she could take the eulogy with her (he was dropping it at home anyway).

She is now in the car and refusing to get out. She has threatened to key the car and has taken its tax disk. Dp was meant to pick up ds from football practice - I am now having to leave work early to get him. Dp has driven ex w to a pub car park where he knows there is CCTV in case she does anything and he is in the pub and she is in the car. I have told him to call the police. He won't because their ds gets home from school soon, the funeral is tomorrow and he is really concerned about how it will turn out. She has sat in the car for 2 hours and refuses to move until dp agrees to go back to their house and stay with her till the funeral is over (which is a smoke screen of course, he won't be able to leave at all).

As it is my car, if I haven't heard from him in 30 mins, I will have to call the police.

What a huge fucking mess.

Sorry to answer the other questions, yes this has been going on since we got together. It's got worse because of the recent issues she's having.

No I wasn't the reason he left but looking back on it, I am the reason he has not gone back if that makes sense. He split up with her about 10 years ago but went back after 2 years. He had left and was in the process of the divorce when we met but I think, honestly, she thought he would go back.

Yes I agree massively with the false hope point. It is my main point. I know he thinks he is pacifying her and helping her and stopping her threatening suicide but actually I think in the long run it is making it worse. It is a v hard thing to do. When he is tough on her, she threatens suicide.

I agree, the end of our relationship is nigh tbh but I still want to get to Friday for the sake of my dcs.

I see so many stories on this board about men who dont maintain appropriate boundaries between current, and ex-partners. Barely are there stories about women doing this. Do you know why? Men wouldnt stand for it, their (do as I say not as I do) pride and ego would be roaring.

OP you've got bags of patience...

The ExW seems to believe because she was married to your DP previously and they have a child, she has an ongoing entitlement to be in his life. As if he 'owes' her. You are irrelevant in her mind. I feel sorry for their child he must have some awareness of this unbalanced situation and it really isnt a good thing.

She may very well have health issues - however unless your DP is a trained professional AND chooses to assist in this respect then its no use him running around her; nor does he have to. He can offer support by helping to put her in touch with relevant services and advice. What else is he supposed to do, put his life/your relationship on hold? & it doesnt sound as if he's qualified to help with health issues anyway. Lots of people choose to believe that by being there, they will miraculously solve whatever's going on. But thats a fallacy.

He sounds like a people pleaser and enabler, and the relationship between him & his ExW is one that he wants, and is facilitating. He isnt a baby, knows what he is doing, knows it upsets you, and continues. You see, enablers need to have someone behind them taking care of all the day-to-day basics, so they can do what they really want to do - in his case, jump to his ExWs tune; if he had to contribute financially and more around the home, and your future together, he wouldnt be able to run around her so much.

Honestly...Id have bailed out on him long ago and left him to move back in with ExW and their child. Easier for him and you all round. If it came to the bottom line and he had to choose between you and ex-wife you'd probably get a longwinded attempted sorrow-inducing story about how much she needs him, they share a child, he can't just leave her etc..and he'd find a way to choose her. When all said and done if she wants to hang onto him in this way and he wants to let her, there isnt much you can do about that. Having it out with him and then he goes right back and does the same thing is futile...and the fact you even have to spell it out to him several times means he doesnt care enough to change the dynamics so your relationship can have a chance. It almost sounds as if YOU are the interloper between THEM.

Sorry. I hope today's situation sorts out ok

I would ask him whether he would contemplate working for nothing in his chosen field that he wants to get work in - would he actually do that? If he will - get him sorted out volunteering to do a job in the field he wants to be in (and agreeing that it cannot be avoided just because ExW wants him for something). If he won't - why on earth is he doing it for her? He needs to be employed by her if he's not getting anything out of the business - or they need to employ someone else to do the job he used to do as he's not getting any money.

Hope phone call with Police goes well.

Thanks both. If he had to choose, he would choose me, I'm sure of that but he wouldn't choose me with her threatening suicide. This week she threatened to kill me but we have no proof of that because it was verbal.

He phoned me now in floods of tears saying he knows he has made this worse but please don't let it break us up because that is what she wants to do and he desperately wants us to work.

I am still being patient (!) and will hold off the conversation till Friday but I have to admit, there is a part of me that thinks everyone other than dp would be better off with him back there.

BlueLagoon1 that still sounds like he wouldnt choose you - there's a condition attached ie the suicide threat. Or it could be looked at as a get-out clause, a way to back up his continuation as her facilitator and enabler. Should you protest again well then...there's the suicide threat isnt there...?

He does sound like a good man. But good for his ExW perhaps, not for you. You sound pretty strongminded and Im thinking you'll simply get fed up of all this one day, and that will kill your relationship anyway. Crying and also running around after his ExW?!

If he says he desperately wants your relationship to work I suppose you could see what and how he's prepared to work with you on this aspect, to give the 2 of you a chance. Dont be the one putting in all the work and actions on this though, whilst intermittently he runs off again to do his ExWs bidding...

If he is really suffering in this situation then I would say a condition of your relationship continuing is him having counselling to talk about how to change the relationship he has with her.

He is co dependent with her - nothing you are saying or doing is changing that and you can't rescue him only yourself. It sounds like a really sad situation.

Also when he left before (not for me, 10 years ago) she refused him access to ds. Point blank refused no matter what agencies became involved. She would only allow him to see his son if he came back and after 2 years of fighting it with every resource and sitting outside the house in tears watching his son through the window he went back but told her their relationship was over and he has had affairs since then. She only wanted him back in the house so she 'tolerated' the affairs. Then he left a number of years ago again...

Anyway, we live, we learn..

I'll chalk this one up to experience!

Don't want my kids suffering and I know it's a minor point but I am well fucked off ds got left at school. My kids come first (with me) and that is it as far as I'm concerned.

She hasn't told her family about the divorce and he's going along with all of this and playing happy families at the funeral (please forgive the phrase)? That would be the bit that would hurt me most.
I'm really sad to hear you say you think this is the end for you and him, it sounds like when you're left to it, you're largely happy. Don't rush into it, this might just be the final straw for him and it would be a real shame to let this woman blight your happiness.
And right now I'd call the police to get her out of your car, escort him home to you and look after her separately - for all of your safety. My heart goes out to you, it's a terrible situation.

Even your partner knows (and agrees, deep down) that you should walk away from this ridiculous situation

What an awful update.

When you break up on Friday (whether temporarily or permanently) I expect her threats will decrease but her wheedling and attention-seeking will continue.

Imagine pretending not to have been divorced for eight years. She's gone too far to go back, hasn't she? She does sound very unwell and to be honest it sounds like you'll be well off out of it.

Except that she will sabotage any attempt he makes to have any kind of contact with you, even to say "did I leave my blue pants at yours?"

He needs to get himself counselling urgently for someone impartial to help him get some perspective, and talk about how he separates his life from hers and how much by his (habit) behaviour he is unintentionally enabling her. Had some of this myself with a ltr and you can get so lost in the weight of feeling responsibility to try and keep the other person together and to manage this moment's crisis and everything being life or death, and the fear of what they'll do if you don't meet their needs right this minute that you lose all your boundaries.

As someone said so well further upthread, the only way out is for him to hand back the responsibility for what she does and how well she is to her, that is her responsibility and the responsibility of her health professionals, and she may not be seeking or taking their help while he is responding every time his button is pressed and she sees him as her first line of care. It still took me years to see past the guilt of putting down a boundary and stepping away, he has in some ways been abused even if she isn't fully responsible for her actions.

Whether or not you feel you want to or that it's right for you to wait through this process is another matter, and I'm sorry you're in such a difficult and stressful situation.

OP do be sure to put yourself and DCs 1st, wont you?

It may be that you decide to split with this man on a temporary, see how it goes basis. If that is the case then don't budge until he SHOWS you that he is committed to the 2 of you being together...words are wind, its his actions and willingness to sustain those actions for the good of you both, that count. Stand back see what he does.

Although I still feel its a toxic, energy draining situation that will be headache-inducing for you. Its just too angst-ridden and complicated |Id be more inclined to leave the 2 of them to it. Good luck whatever you decide to do

I really hoped you've called the police by now op. This needs exploding. Tell them your partner's ex is in your car, refusing to get out and threatening vandalism. It's your car - no matter what the situation between them, she doesn't get to sit in it unless you let her.

call the police.

Then when he gets home you give him an ultimatum - either he cuts contact with her now or your relationship is over.

Other than his son he has no need to speak to her, and tbh as the ds is fifteen he has no need to speak to her.

If she kills herself then she kills herself, sounds harsh I know but what I mean is that if she does decide to kill herself that will be her decision not anything to do with him.

Sorry Op , I couldn't cope with this.
Their relationship isn't over . I appreciate it's toxic and dysfunctional , but it's a relationship all the same. There really is no need to have any contact with her considering the sons age.

This could have been sorted easily years ago had he took the right steps , and I'm not convinced the on going contact is for the sons benefit , he's getting something out of it .

As an example , why on earth did he drive to a pub car park with her , he should have just called the police.
They sound as dysfunctional as each other. And the affair thing sounds appalling ,
And not true