Baby at 46

[TwittyMcTwitterson]

My lovely mum is going for fertility checks tomorrow to see how difficult it will be to conceive. At 46, she's not receiving that much positive feedback. She always wanted a big family and only had me. One of her biggest regrets.

I'm fairly certain it's not empty nest syndrome as I've lived away for 9 years now. I'm 26 and have a DD myself of 2.5 or a midlife crisis as, like I say, she has always wanted this and hasn't just gone and bought a Porsche

She's not the healthiest 46 yr old. Diets not great, smokes like the proverbial chimney, don't think she'd quit but would cut down but that's another thread has around a glass or more of wine a night. Her life is set up very much as a 46 year old. I don't imagine a baby would fit in easily. She's also self employed and recently set up her own business. She's also not in the stablest of relationships.

Most people have said about tiredness and not realising how knackering it is. However, I said that when I was 24. Her friends who had children at 38 and 40.ish have not been as supportive as you'd think.

Anyway, I'm basically asking if anyone has any constructive advice for her. She's fed up of people putting her down and dismissing it as a fanciful idea. Is it as bad as they say or should she happily go ahead?

Thanks in advance

I don't mean I wouldn't want to care for a child (or adult) with abnormalities if they were MY child, but that I would not want to take care of a sibling alongside a child of my own, and possibly future children who need my care and attention.

Is she in a stable relationship?
It's not just about her needs, it's about the baby's first and foremost.
Would I have liked my mum to be a nearly 60 year old when I was 10? Defenitely not.
The stories about grandmothers having babies in their late 40s are not relevant, times have changed, we live different kinds of lives. Please tell her not to be selfish.

I have a neighbour in her late 40s who has a 3 yrold and when i saw her at xmas she announced she is pregnant again at 49 and its twins. No ivf. I am 48 and worried

Is your mother's partner a similar age? If the relationship doesn't last, would he help out with childcare and financial support? How reliable is he?

Has your mother thought about the reality of being in her sixties and coping with a teenager? Or worse still, becoming seriously ill and not being able to look after her child?

Tina Malone has a much younger partner and also made huge efforts to become healthy before going ahead with IVF.

I think you need to ask her a lot of difficult questions.

OP, this sounds really difficult for you both.

Would it be possible to be generally understanding and emotionally supportive in a way that's not either encouraging or discouraging? Like previous posters have said, if you have obvious strong opinions, or make obvious judgments about what's best, this could be damaging to your relationship with your DM later on. And giving opinions might not affect what your mum does anyway.

The stats are against her, so the most likely outcome seems to be that you will be helping her to come to terms with not having another baby.
This might be easier if you have been understanding of her wishes, and generally as kind as you can be, throughout. Which I'm sure you are doing anyway! All the best to you both.

timetoask don't get the selfish bit at all. are you perfect? I dam sure am not.

I had my first 2 in my twenties and my last 2 late 30s.

I was a significantly less selfish, more mature, had more energy, sense, patience and cash with the last 2.

very judgy thread here.

Partners a knob. Full stop. Think she probably plans for most of this to be done alone.

He is one year older and also the guy who knocked her up years ago when he was seeing another woman who he still lives with though is apparently looking into purchasing his own house (was only staying with OW because she had cancer an it was unfair to leave her at such a time but obv ok to cheat) she left him for years and now he's back saying OW is over and he loves her so much etc etc. he was unsympathetic with miscarriages and when the first one started and they were in public he told her to stop acting like a smack head and get over her period pain I'm not a fan!

She had a check at 42 and was told she had lovely eggs.

She also had a new hip about a yr ago (maybe two but I don't think so) apparently the nurse asked her about her fertility and said something about hip and consequences on pregnancy and used the phrase 'of course you're still of childbearing age'

she sounds like she picks them doesn't she.

all you can do is be supportive and caring. it's really her decision anyway and probably the fertility team will be able to give her a clear unbiased view of her chances.

it's a reminder to all of us though really isn't it. don't leave having that wanted baby too late.

Evees, I really think you need to address the abnormalities with her, whilst being supportive of her decision to want more children (having 2 miscarriages implies there were abnormalities which the body rejected). If she is ignoring the statistics then I would withdraw support.

Tricky. My SIL had a baby at 49 through IVF and egg donor abroad. They had 4 failed cycles which was exhausting for them both - both physically and emotionally. Travelling to Barcelona to get the treatment then my DBro had to work during each trip while she lay in bed willing for it to work. I think it cost them in the region of 100k for the treatment.

Luckily they did have a lovely wee boy. Sadly when he was 6 months old SIL developed cancer again (she'd had it 10 years before). trying to look after a wee baby while doing chemo and radiotherapy was a killer. She's kicked the cancer again but has been told there is a 1 in 5 chance she won't live more than 10 years. So my brother is doing everything he can to prepare in case one day he will be on his own (he is much younger). This includes saving lots and keeping himself as healthy as he can.

Its given thrm such a fright to be reminded of her mortality.

I agree with mrsdevere let her get on with it and be supportive of the eventual outcome which could be one of many scenarios all of which will need support

merry even if that 1 in 5 statistic is correct it means that the chances are that the baby will be healthy. As another older mother who conceived naturally I would recommend just supporting your mum, it won't impact on your day to day life so provide the emotional support your mum needs while not agreeing to any more than that.

But MrsDevere. There will be repercussions for the OP. Unless the OP is able to say, "You made your bed, now you can lie it."

She doesn't need her daughter or anyone else lecturing her ffs.

It really sounds like she does, actually. Lifestyle, relationships. This is not someone who engages well with reality.

I am not sure that stat is correct- the chances of having a baby with Downs syndrome are given at about 1 in 40 aged 50 on wiki- even if you add other risks in there (including paternal age) I don't think it would come out that high.

Those suggesting donor eggs/IVF- those things also come with an increased risk of abnormalities. You wouldn't want to use those to avoid abnormalities per se (as may draw short straw there as well) but to increase likelihood of pregnancy.

Thing is, parents have their own lives, all you can do is stand back and watch just as they have to when you do things they think a little unwise!

My grandmother had her last child at 45 (and stopped because she was widowed - she may have had more otherwise). However, she was ridiculously fertile (11 children in all) and very healthy.

I think it is the op's business to know what would happen to her much younger sibling if her mother was unable to cope due to age or illness. There are no other siblings to help out.

I'm only advising as we had a similar situation in dh's family where his parents wanted to do something which had high risk outcomes. Most of the family were against it, but I advised dh to be fully supportive without pointing out all the cons of it once again as they had already heard it. They were his parents, they were going to do it anyway, he needed to stand by them. He was supportive (the only one). Now things have gone belly up, it befalls dh to still be supportive. I think he would have been supportive anyway, because he is a good, kind man, but I also wish he had been a bit more practical and realistic with them at the time, rather than just going along with it in order to support them.

(And sadly, in dh's family's case, one of the people suffering the outcome is a child).

In a perfect world this is of course the mothers decision and not the OP. however as others have pointed out experience shows that sometimes life does not go as planned. the new baby might have problems, the mum might have health issues. the OP isn't just going to say "you made your bed lie in it " is she. she is going to have to help out. being an older single mum is going to be bloody tough for lots of different reasons and just pointing these out at the earliest stage is a good idea. the OP has to be very clear with her mum how much support she is willing to give.