Baby at 46

[TwittyMcTwitterson]

My lovely mum is going for fertility checks tomorrow to see how difficult it will be to conceive. At 46, she's not receiving that much positive feedback. She always wanted a big family and only had me. One of her biggest regrets.

I'm fairly certain it's not empty nest syndrome as I've lived away for 9 years now. I'm 26 and have a DD myself of 2.5 or a midlife crisis as, like I say, she has always wanted this and hasn't just gone and bought a Porsche

She's not the healthiest 46 yr old. Diets not great, smokes like the proverbial chimney, don't think she'd quit but would cut down but that's another thread has around a glass or more of wine a night. Her life is set up very much as a 46 year old. I don't imagine a baby would fit in easily. She's also self employed and recently set up her own business. She's also not in the stablest of relationships.

Most people have said about tiredness and not realising how knackering it is. However, I said that when I was 24. Her friends who had children at 38 and 40.ish have not been as supportive as you'd think.

Anyway, I'm basically asking if anyone has any constructive advice for her. She's fed up of people putting her down and dismissing it as a fanciful idea. Is it as bad as they say or should she happily go ahead?

Thanks in advance

[eurochick]

I wouldn't judge her for wanting to try at that age, but I would be a bit judgey about the lifestyle stuff you mention. Her age is already against her, so why impose other obstacles that could be removed, like the smoking?

Regardless of what the fertility check says, she may struggle. One third of infertility cases are unexplained, i.e. everything looks fine on paper, but it just doesn't happen. We are in this category, so on paper I should I have been pregnant within the "normal" time of one year. Actually it took me 3 years and 4 rounds of IVF to get pg.

I also must correct this: "
Those suggesting donor eggs/IVF- those things also come with an increased risk of abnormalities. You wouldn't want to use those to avoid abnormalities per se (as may draw short straw there as well) but to increase likelihood of pregnancy."
IVF carries a small risk of additional abnormalities where ICSI is used as part of the IVF process (typically when there are sperm issues) as there is no natural selection of the sperm, just the scientists using their skills, which are good but not quite as good as what millions of years of evolution have given us as a selection system. Donor eggs usually reduces the risk of abnormalities, particularly for older women, as the donors are usually quite young and egg problems increase with age.

[TwittyMcTwitterson]

Hadabadday, both MCs were unplanned PGS and I know the first one she only learned she was PG when she MC. I'm 99 per cent sure it was the same with MC2. One was approx ten weeks. Two was earlier.

[TwittyMcTwitterson]

So no, she didn't change her lifestyle. Sorry, I missed most important part ha!

[TwittyMcTwitterson]

I just spoke to her. She's actually going today because she rang them to confirm her appt and they had assumed she wasn't using her own eggs due to age. It's standard procedure to use donors after 45.

I asked her if she understood the added risks and the reasons why they had these procedures. She said yes but she wants a chance to have her own child. I get that.

I asked her about donors. At which point She started to ask me to donate. I cut across and I repeated that it wasn't fair on my DD to have a sister that's an auntie and I would have to tell her. I don't like family secrets.

I feel terrible and that I should do this. I don't know how much hassle it would be for me and I feel it would mean the world to her. But I still won't do it.

She sounded truly and deeply sad at the idea the child would not be a blood relative. I think she will stop at nothing...

She hasn't had a period since November she just told me. She puts it down to stress. She is very stressed

[Clutterbugsmum]

I agree with you about your eggs. I think you mum has a cheek even suggesting that she/they use you egg. If she goes down that route then the doner needs to be someone outside your family.

[Clutterbugsmum]

use your eggs even.

[TwittyMcTwitterson]

We could pay for some of the ivf from appearing in take a break magazine and the like!

She's been told by her friend that even after menopause you can get pg upto three years after? I can't imagine that??? My bullshit-o-meter is through the roof!

[MothratheMighty]

Does she understand that her lifestyle choices may get in the way of her conceiving and carrying to term, and that they may already have done so?
That if she is desperate to give birth to a living, healthy child, there are steps she can take to increase her chances?
If it were me, I'd make encouraging, non-specific noises and keep my eggs to myself. And be prepared not to offer a lot of money as a 'loan'

[TwittyMcTwitterson]

Chunderella, I'm guessing she has no idea what's involved. I mean, I don't. I assume it's a round of hormones and they take it out. Much the same as if I was going through ivf myself. I think she thinks I'll pull it out and hand it over

[TwittyMcTwitterson]

Mothra, she's in Mensa but what she actually understands and what goes in... I don't know

[MothratheMighty]

Yes, I have several intellectually awesome people in my house, but common sense and RL practicalities? Not so much.

[eurochick]

This is sounding like a bit of an emotional car crash, I have to say.

[TwittyMcTwitterson]

Exactly! I, myself, have neither

I'm very nervous about what they're saying to her in the meeting. She doesn't take news she doesn't want to hear well. I hope they have good bedside manner. I imagine I'll get a phone call later and be her shoulder.

I should add I'm generally the parent in our relationship. A little like Ab Fab

[JennySense]

Be there for her but I would disengage a bit if you can. Being asked to donate several times sounds like it would be best if you didn't get too involved.
At 46, even with donor eggs, it's a long shot particularly if you're not in perfect health.
I had fertility treatment and understand how painful a journey it can be. Send her in the direction of the website www.fertilityfriends.co.uk - lots of sensible advice there and a very active forum she can get help from.
You come across as a very caring daughter, but don't let this issue affect your relationship with her.

[eurochick]

There is counselling both for donors and recipients.

The donor would have to take all the IVF hormonal drugs, which are not without side-effects and complications. And then go through egg collection (sedation or GA and then a needle inserted through the vagina to collect the eggs), which again is not without complications. I've been through it 4 times for myself and am full of admiration for anyone who could do it for non-selfish reasons. I had relatively straightforward cycles but even then I reacted badly to the sedation drugs and on my third cycle, they nicked a blood vessel during the collection and I had a big bleed. I could feel the blood spilling out of me. It is not something to be undertaken lightly.

[Caitlin17]

I'd question the commitment of any one trying to conceive who wasn't prepared to cut out smoking and cut back severely on drinking.

[juneau]

If she's going to a reputable fertility clinic I'm guessing they'll be fairly straight with her about her chances, which at 46 and as a heavy smoker have got to be vanishingly small.

You've clearly got a sound head on your shoulders OP. I would just be there for her, gently urge her to take good advice seriously, don't encourage her to waste her money if she's given very poor odds, etc. I'm a bit baffled that she's left it so late to try for a second DC if she's always wanted a big family, but it is what it is and she can't turn the clock back. I would've thought her best chance is 1) kick all her bad habits immediately and 2) egg donation, but she doesn't seem willing to try either of those options, so I suspect you will remain an only DC.

[awaywiththepixies]

I had two children in my early forties. They were born within 20 months of each other. They were both fine. I am fine. It is tiring but It also has benefits too.

My understanding of the risk of abnormalities is certainly not 1 in 7. I would like to see the authority for those figures.

Support your Mum and suggest some lifestyle changes.

[TwittyMcTwitterson]

June, she was with my dad who didn't want any more until I was 11-12 and he always said after this etc. then when they split up she concentrated on raising me and didn't have another bf til I was 18 at UNi. She's had three since, all as stupid as the rest

She has many excuses for why she didn't meet someone during those yrs and start again. Something was holding her back but I'm not sure what. She recently took voluntary redundancy to start her own business. I think this is where the money is coming from.

[MothratheMighty]

Perhaps she sees you as the one thing in her life she's done well and wants it again. You do seem a lovely daughter.

[TwittyMcTwitterson]

Aaawww, thanks Mothra! I don't think so though. She had a veeerrrryyyy hard time when pregnant and when I was first born from a very judgemental and overbearing mother. The way she got pregnant and the fact she is Unmarried put the family under so much stress according to said judgemental and overbearing grandma she wants to do it all right this time. Clearly it'll be just as 'wrong' as the last time but she feels she missed out on an ideal family setting etc etc. she really was broken by the way I came about and peoples response to it. I think having me fixed it a little but she has been through so much. I'd love her to have this little bit of happiness

[22honey]

My mother is 45 and went through a stage similar even though she had her tubes tied in her early 30s. She is due to be a grandmother for the first time soon and these days says shes happy she didn't have any other children. She was never 100% on the idea anyway and it was unlikely to happy given both her age and the tubes being tied. I have to admit how odd I would find having a new baby sister or brother at my age when I've started having them myself. DM also enjoys having her own life and working.

I wouldnt say your DM is being unreasonable per say as many women can get the urge for babies at the end of their reproductive days. Just maybe not thinking clearly about the realities of it, nor the reality that fertility has usually gone by that age for most women. I imagine she could conceive using donor eggs though. Her lifestyle isn't the healthiest which for someone of that age wanting to become a mother should be the top priority, my DM has never smoked or drank but still thought at 44 she was too old to be having anymore babies.

I never judge women for their reason for having babies but the reason I have started in my early 20s and hope to be finished by early 30s at the most is because the risks at this age are minimal, my child rearing will be done by the time I'm 40 leaving me to pursue a career and all else. My DM did it this way and it worked out great for her. She gave up on the idea of more babies and is now happily looking forward to being a grandma for the first time and enjoying her job and other life. Personally thats what I want for me at her age.

[CeliaLytton]

In your situation, I think I would assume that she is aware of the risks of pregnancy, especially after 2 mcs, but after that there is nothing you can do but be supportive. After all, she is an adult and free to make her own decisions.

I would, however, raise the issue of guardianship. We did think about who would raise our children if anything were to happen to us and luckily we have lots of willing relatives as we are a large family. Many of my friends have their parents down as guardians for their children and I hope I will be able to offer that option to my own children. I would be aware in your circs that you could potentially raise your DC to teenagers/adulthood, then be raising a sibling and then be named as a guardian for your own dc's children. That is the only thing that directly affects you and is something you should have a say in.

We cannot have children based on the fact that we are going to live until a ripe old age, but I think it is not unreasonable of the OP to be wary of the fact that she is more likely, though still highly unlikely, to be expected to care for this child should the worst happen.

OP, chances are, given her history, that this won't be successful, at which point your mum will need support. But if it does result in a DC, you will have to know what your expected role is in the raising of the child, if any. You may find that your mum has thought through the possibility of having a child with a disability, it is something many of us consider regardless of age, and she may have discussed guardianship with other family members or friends.

The most positive outcome would be that your mum has a healthy DC and lives until a ripe old age. I hope that things work out for you.