Baby at 46

[TwittyMcTwitterson]

My lovely mum is going for fertility checks tomorrow to see how difficult it will be to conceive. At 46, she's not receiving that much positive feedback. She always wanted a big family and only had me. One of her biggest regrets.

I'm fairly certain it's not empty nest syndrome as I've lived away for 9 years now. I'm 26 and have a DD myself of 2.5 or a midlife crisis as, like I say, she has always wanted this and hasn't just gone and bought a Porsche

She's not the healthiest 46 yr old. Diets not great, smokes like the proverbial chimney, don't think she'd quit but would cut down but that's another thread has around a glass or more of wine a night. Her life is set up very much as a 46 year old. I don't imagine a baby would fit in easily. She's also self employed and recently set up her own business. She's also not in the stablest of relationships.

Most people have said about tiredness and not realising how knackering it is. However, I said that when I was 24. Her friends who had children at 38 and 40.ish have not been as supportive as you'd think.

Anyway, I'm basically asking if anyone has any constructive advice for her. She's fed up of people putting her down and dismissing it as a fanciful idea. Is it as bad as they say or should she happily go ahead?

Thanks in advance

[hopefulgum]

I haven't read the whole thread, I got to page 6 and skipped to here.
Clearly this is a very personal decision, and being an older mother myself, I know that being judgemental is pointless.

Everyone seems to have an opinion on whether it is okay to have children later. I say live and let live. As MrsDevere said earlier: people do die at a young age, with young children, but it doesn't stop young people from trying to have a baby. Babies with problems are also born to young couples. MAny older people live long,healthy,active lives.

My DS was born when my DH was 48. He is a fine father and we both feel that our little boy gives us many good reasons to take care of ourselves so we can be here for the long haul.

I am now 47 and do not consider myself too old for another child.

However, I will say that ttc at this age is not for the faint of heart. I have had three losses since my DS (who was born just before my 42nd birthday). Miscarriages are more common in our forties, and yes egg quality and hormones might let us down, but it doesn't mean it is impossible.

I am lucky. I was able to conceive my beautiful, healthy bright spark of a little boy in my early forties easily. I still hope for one more healthy egg, but I am realistic about my chances (it has now been nearly two years since my last miscarriage).

I think, if your mum is serious about having a baby she must clean up her lifestyle and really consider carefully how much she wants a baby.If it is very,very important to her, she should do IVF with donor egg. I haven't, and I won't because I am ok if I don't have another baby. I am lucky to have what I have.

[Goblinchild]

'Doesn't matter how old you are when you have kids. You'll still age in dog years from that point forwards.'

How very true, Squiffy!

[BrennanHasAMangina]

I'm really curious about the thought process that goes into deciding to try for a baby in your late forties. Did your healthcare providers really not have anything to say on that subject? Don't you think it strange when you see children with adults and have to dance around the fact that you're not sure if they are parents or grandparents? It's like seeing forty-plus women who dress in clothes better suited to teenagers....fanciful is just the right word, I think.

[drivenfromdistraction]

Well, Brennan, I suppose your experience might be that grandparents are in their 40s, but it's certainly not mine! That would seem a terribly young grandparent to me (age 43 with DC aged 6, 4 and 2). Nearly all my friends, most of my NCT group and many of my fellow-mums at school had their babies in their late 30s and early 40s. Just how life worked out with marriages, careers etc. I imagine the thought process isn't much different from someone in their 20s - though perhaps fewer 'happy accidents' and more intentional planning overall.

Don't think any of us dress like teenagers, by the way. Whatever that looks like.

[Thumbwitch]

Jeez there are some weird attitudes on this thread!

Britishgal - your friend with the 2yo at 50, god alone knows what she's thinking, but I can assure you that all of the parents I know of all ages are fully aware of which decade, nay century! they are bringing up their children in.

TBH, I was embarrassed to be dressed in clothes of the 1970s as a child - and I was a child in the 1970s! fucking awful stuff going on back then. I was more than horrified to see it making a comeback and I certainly wouldn't have inflicted it on my children.

And as for the next fucking stupid statement from Brennan, regarding fortyplus women dressing like teenagers - ha! One of the biggest problems I, and many others of my age seem to have, is that most of the clothes in the shops are designed for either teenagers or the middleaged woman (or business clothes). There is a distinct lack of decent clothes for women in our position - so what, should we all dress in bin bags? With an extra one over our heads, to avoid embarrassing young people who get the shudders at the idea that people "of our age" still have sex? Just so they don't find themselves in the terrible position of having to work out whether we're the parent or the grandparent of the child we're with

Oh forgive me for being such a social problem.

[OddFodd]

What a sheltered life you must lead Brennan :(

[BrennanHasAMangina]

I hear Per Una has some nice things, Thumbwitch . Someone posted a very fetching ruffly fleece cardigan the other day. Cozy and practical with just a hint of whimsy and youthful femininity. Check it out!

[Thumbwitch]

Sounds like it would do for you, dear, not my style at all.

[hopefulgum]

brennan my health carers have been very supportive. They have told me I have good hormone levels and proven fertility but the miscarriages are not surprising. My doctor has always been honest about the chance of miscarriage at my age but she has never tried to talk me out of ttc and seems to enjoy telling me about patients who are having babies in their mid to late forties. I think she knows that I am realistic about my chances but I know if I for get pregnant again she will be cheering me on.

[clockwatching77]

Omg. Cannot believe how this thread has turned. I better go out and buy my dc some flares as I was born in the 60s (shock horror) and I have a 17 month not 17 year old.

[clockwatching77]

A singleton unplanned pregnancy with no health complications for mum or baby.

[Littleen]

In general I have nothing against people having kids in their 40s, but it doesn't sound like a sensible choice for your mother! It totally depends on the situation and indiviual, mentally and physically health wise, and she doesn't sound like she's in the right position for it unfortunately. Perhaps she can find more joy in grandkids? :)

[minionmadness]

FYI Brennan my consultant sent me a bouquet of flowers... he was over the moon that he had helped us achieve our dream. He and the rest of the clinic had been through the many down times with us over 7 cycles of IVF. I didn't (as you say) leave it too late, I didn't meet my husband until I was 33 then as fate would have it my tubes were shot probably due to an infection caused when I had my appendix out in my 20's.

I saw tons of HCP's over those 7 cycles and not one ever raised an eyebrow. Of course you will believe that's because they didn't dare, but that would be wrong, I like to think they all had something that sounds very lacking in your personality... Empathy.

[BrennanHasAMangina]

Were those 7 cycles of IVF done free-of-charge, Minion? Presumably those consultants received hundreds of thousands of dollars of your money for the privilege of helping you on your journey to parenthood?

[TwittyMcTwitterson]

Low blow Brennan.

[OddFodd]

Wow Brennan - your children are so lucky to have such a judgemental bigot for a mother. Not

How sad that you're bringing them up so badly

[minionmadness]

Oh dear... what caused such bitterness in you Brennan

No they were not on the NHS, even though I have paid higher rate tax for most of my adult life I would rather the NHS fertility treatment budgets was spent on those unable to fund privately.

Yes I paid for a service... just like we pay for most things in life, not much is free, although don't quite understand how you calculate 7 cycles of IVF at hundreds of thousands! Showing your ignorance on the subject. What you re really saying in your twisted world is that he only sent the flowers because I had spent so much money at his clinic.

You couldn't be further from the truth and honestly I feel sorry for you... to have such bitterness towards me when all I did was have a baby (well two actually) but who's counting.

[BrennanHasAMangina]

You're right; I have no experience with IVF and I don't live in the UK so no idea what it costs, or whether the NHS covers any of it but I'm willing to bet it's very, very expensive. I was close, right?

This thread is like the land that common sense left behind . I shall leave you to enable each other in peace .

OP, good luck with your Mum.

[Goblinchild]

Brennan
Are you
An











American?
Traumatised by the idea of ObamaCare?

[Lagoonablue]

You're hilarious Brennan don't go. Really. Sitting in judgement over who can and can't have a baby. Do you have a cut off point in mind when all procreation must stop? Just so we know......

Bye...and shut the door on your way out love, thanks.

[perfectstorm]

Were those 7 cycles of IVF done free-of-charge, Minion? Presumably those consultants received hundreds of thousands of dollars of your money for the privilege of helping you on your journey to parenthood?

Not in this country. You see, we have a sane healthcare system, not one run for maximum profit. A friend had 3 cycles (the average) of IVF and it cost 18 grand. Thats a hell of a lot of money, and the clinic as one of the most expensive we have (very, very good as well) but a fraction of the hundreds of thousands you quoted. One of the handy things about the NHS is that it greatly depresses the cost of private healthcare, for those few people who feel the need to selectively access parts of it. I paid less for my Harmony test than US citizens accessing it - despite the lab being based in the States. Go figure.

By the way, is that Mangina your partner in which case LTB - or are you a man holding forth on how inappropriate it is for women to reproduce at an age men merrily drop sprogs with nary a comment from anyone?