Baby at 46

[TwittyMcTwitterson]

My lovely mum is going for fertility checks tomorrow to see how difficult it will be to conceive. At 46, she's not receiving that much positive feedback. She always wanted a big family and only had me. One of her biggest regrets.

I'm fairly certain it's not empty nest syndrome as I've lived away for 9 years now. I'm 26 and have a DD myself of 2.5 or a midlife crisis as, like I say, she has always wanted this and hasn't just gone and bought a Porsche

She's not the healthiest 46 yr old. Diets not great, smokes like the proverbial chimney, don't think she'd quit but would cut down but that's another thread has around a glass or more of wine a night. Her life is set up very much as a 46 year old. I don't imagine a baby would fit in easily. She's also self employed and recently set up her own business. She's also not in the stablest of relationships.

Most people have said about tiredness and not realising how knackering it is. However, I said that when I was 24. Her friends who had children at 38 and 40.ish have not been as supportive as you'd think.

Anyway, I'm basically asking if anyone has any constructive advice for her. She's fed up of people putting her down and dismissing it as a fanciful idea. Is it as bad as they say or should she happily go ahead?

Thanks in advance

[Grennie]

Obviously it is up to her. But I do think having a mother in her early 60's, when a child is a young teenager, really isn't fair.

[MerryMarigold]

Who said anything about dictating? It's about sitting down and talking through realities.

[Latara]

Didn't Cherie Blair have her last baby naturally at 46?

I think that she should definitely give up smoking, alcohol and improve her diet; but other than that she should just go for it.

How many younger woman wait for 'the right time' and the 'right relationship' really? How many women have children in a good relationship only for that relationship to break down later on anyway.

If we all waited (like I stupidly have waited and now I'm 37 and childless) for the 'right time' then we would never have children.

My mother had 'unsuitable boyfriends' and I let her get on with it. She even had a pregnancy scare at 52 (still pre-menopause lucky her) and I didn't judge.

[Thetallesttower]

MrsdeVere- it was the result of a brief google of 'risk of congenital abnormality and age' on wiki, not an authoritative source (although they do include the reference at the bottom). It's not an area I know much about but the other figure looked higher than I've seen.

[Grennie]

Cherie Blair's last child was an accident. Abortions rise in this age group because it is easy to think your menopause is over, then realise it is not.

[mouldyironingboard]

Cherie Blair has a supportive husband and lots of paid help. This situation is very different.

[MerryInthechelseahotel]

Maybe op's mum is thinking and planning about what she would do if she got ill etc from what I read she is 46 and op hasn't mentioned she has Alzheimer's says a 54yr old mother of a 5yr old

[Thetallesttower]

And just to be clear - I wouldn't ever say to an older mother anything about abnormalities being a reason not to have a child. I am replying to those who were arguing for using donor eggs as her own are too old/risk of abnormality. If this is a big concern for someone, and it certainly was for a friend of mine who had her baby at 45 and paid extra for 3D scans and other forms of testing privately, then taking the donor egg/IVF route is still going to be a cause for concern on that basis.

[MerryInthechelseahotel]

There would be a higher chance of her getting pregnant with IVF though

[MerryMarigold]

If I was going to do anything which had quite a high possibility of impacting in a big way on my family, then yes, I would speak to them.

And yes, it is silly to assume it's the same as a 30 year old in a stable partnership, having a child. It isn't.

[Thetallesttower]

Yes Merry that's what I was trying to say!

I am not sure what the OP wants here, my parents have taken lots of life decisions I don't think are particularly sensible and some of which they regret, and others which have been brilliant, but it's like having children, once they get over a certain age, you have to just stand back and watch to some extent (or at least not constantly comment on them). There could be lots of outcomes here, in the main I can't see anything to put her off, biology, luck and/or persistence if going the IVF route (and money) will determine the rest.

[cryinginthecar]

"I am not sure that stat is correct- the chances of having a baby with Downs syndrome are given at about 1 in 40 aged 50 on wiki-"

No you are right - 1 in 5 is overly pessimistic.

For ALL trisomies (including Downs) at 47 it's 1 in 14.

However, there are other risks which go up with maternal age, such as the incidence of autistic spectrum disorder which are difficult to factor into the mix.

[Thetallesttower]

Sorry- Merry I was trying to say that the IVF would increase the likelihood.

I disagree that you should ask your adult children how to live your life, although talking different scenarios through is always a good idea so at least people are expecting it.

[cryinginthecar]

Would add, if I was the OP I would follow the advice here to leave it to her mum, and to the health professionals who are caring for her if she's having fertility treatment.

I wouldn't want to give an opinion of it was a relative of mine, unless it'd been specifically asked for.

That said - I think having a baby at 46/47 is only advisable if your relationship is rock solid, and you are in optimal health. But hey ho, who asked me?

[LittleMissDisorganized]

Well, the risk of Down syndrome is 1 in 10-15 at 45 with natural eggs. It rises each year. And all the various other congenital abnormalities all increase with age. So whilst 1 in 5 maybe a little high, it's certainly higher than 1 in 10. Of course, to some people this is not a problem.
The miscarriage risk rises from the standard 1 in 3-4 for most pregnancies to at least 1 in 2.
And IF she had IVF with her own eggs, IF they were in good enough shape to do so (no UK clinic would do this I don't think) then the chances of success would be significantly less than 1%.

Of course some people do have babies in their mid forties, they are the other side of these statistics in which the vast majority of people are unable to, or have major problems.

Her best chance would be overseas IVF (Spain/Italy, etc) ASAP, must stop smoking and drinking, would definitely need donor eggs of a 20-25 year old and donor sperm and even then her rate of success for 3 cycles would be less than 1 in 5 for a "take home baby". We'd be talking 5 figures probably financially in total

So, the professionals would tell her this eventually.

All you can do is listen as much as you are able. It's ok to find this very hard to hear from your mum and not be able to listen all the time. And try not to let her live through her GC. These are her issues not yours, and whilst supportive, you don't have to take them on.

[whatever5]

I think that the only constructive advice would be that she needs to stop smoking and drinking alcohol if she wants to get pregnant. She doesn't sound healthy for her age and I doubt that she will get pregnant and carry a baby to term but there is no pointing telling her (leave that to the health professionals).

[bragmatic]

Well, while we're all talking about people who've had babies in their late 40's, I know of two cases.

One mother died in childbirth giving birth to premature twins, leaving her 60yo husband a widower and new father. The other gave birth to a premature twins, one of whom will have lifelong health problems. She's also a single mother.

So yeah, tell her to knock herself out.

Honestly, not considering the downsides (which you are statistically more likely to encounter) is living in la la land.

[TwittyMcTwitterson]

Sorry, I've had to hide in a cupboard at work to reply to you guys haha!

I think some people misunderstand. I'm not trying to dictate anything to her. She WILL go ahead with this regardless of my support. She's my mum who had been with me through everything and I'll be there for her whatever.

I know my feelings on this and we have discussed it but my idea for this thread was to see how other people, in particular people who have lived through this experience.

[ClockWatchingLady]

MrsDeVere you are talking so much sense.

Can we really judge this?

We are all going to die, and don't know when.
None of us knows what problems our children will have or otherwise.
What is acceptable risk to one person is not acceptable risk to another.
We all fuck things up in our own ways, and just have to deal with it.

OP, I wish your mother, and you, every happiness whatever choices she makes and whatever happens.

[TwittyMcTwitterson]

Ps I think even the fertility check for them both is private as she talked about paying extra for him to be checked.

[clockwatching77]

Well I had my dd3 at 44. Her screening tests were better than my scores at 36 so it's not all doom and gloom. Dd was unplanned and dh has minor fertility issues so anything is possible.
My pregnancy was akso easy despite being so much older.
Good luck to her.

[HadABadDay2014]

The age isn't a problem IMO, but her lifestyle is.

Drinking every night, smoking heavy and a poor diet with little excerise is not the best way to start a pregnancy.

Did she manage to change her lifestyle when she was pregnant which sadly ended up in miscarriage.

[mouldyironingboard]

Eveesmummy, i wish your Mum lots of luck with this and hope she will be ok.