Baby at 46

[TwittyMcTwitterson]

My lovely mum is going for fertility checks tomorrow to see how difficult it will be to conceive. At 46, she's not receiving that much positive feedback. She always wanted a big family and only had me. One of her biggest regrets.

I'm fairly certain it's not empty nest syndrome as I've lived away for 9 years now. I'm 26 and have a DD myself of 2.5 or a midlife crisis as, like I say, she has always wanted this and hasn't just gone and bought a Porsche

She's not the healthiest 46 yr old. Diets not great, smokes like the proverbial chimney, don't think she'd quit but would cut down but that's another thread has around a glass or more of wine a night. Her life is set up very much as a 46 year old. I don't imagine a baby would fit in easily. She's also self employed and recently set up her own business. She's also not in the stablest of relationships.

Most people have said about tiredness and not realising how knackering it is. However, I said that when I was 24. Her friends who had children at 38 and 40.ish have not been as supportive as you'd think.

Anyway, I'm basically asking if anyone has any constructive advice for her. She's fed up of people putting her down and dismissing it as a fanciful idea. Is it as bad as they say or should she happily go ahead?

Thanks in advance

[OneStepForwardTwoBack]

Sometimes you just have to accept you're done. I have two, youngest has ASD and this fact alone stopped me in my tracks from having more kids. I am 43 and oh would have been happy to go ahead for one more but my mind is made up. Plus I've gotten selfish now and although my little man has SN he does sleep through the night!!

[Nancy66]

she isn't going to conceive at 46 with her own eggs and most reputable clinics wouldn't even allow her to try.

If she wants a baby she'll have to have donor eggs

[noddyholder]

Can anyone with knowledge of fertiltiy answer a q for me please? If you are born with all the eggs you will have but for some reason stop being fertile in the middle of your life and then resume fertility does that mean you are potentially fertile for longer.I was ill and had no periods for 8 years and someone told me that when they resumed (I was 37 ) my fertility age would be my age less 8 yrs. I am worried now as I am 48 don't want more children but periods regular as clock work

[22honey]

noddyholder apparently (and I dont know this for fact but did read an article the other day), that a woman loses eggs even if she isn't ovulating. Someone can correct me if I am wrong! I looked this up myself as had a period of over a year non ovulation and very light, irregular periods after coming off dianette.

My great aunt is in her early 50s and still has regular periods, I am pretty certain she can't have anymore babies though but they do recommend contraception until the menopause if you are really worried about becoming pregnant again.

[Nancy66]

Egg quality is key too. Even if a woman conceived at 46 she is more likely to miscarry than not as the egg quality will be very poor.

[22honey]

Definately Nancy! I miscarried and I'd only just turned 22 and it was devastating...I can't imagine how it is for someone much older who hasn't got a lot of time left to have babies!

[whatever5]

noddyholder - your fertility age won't be younger because you didn't have periods for a few years. Your eggs are still 48 years old. Your periods may be regular but you probably aren't fertile (although it's not impossible at 48 so you should still use contraception).

[noddyholder]

Thanks so much. Was getting worried!

[Lagoonablue]

I posted this this morning. I had children at 43 and 47. Easily. No IVF.

It can and does happen. Tbh some of the comments on here are getting my back up. Talk about judgemental and prejudiced against older mums!

If she can do it, great. It might not happen but no one knows this yet, especially some of the 'fertility experts' on here who say she has no chance.

As someone else said she is in her 40s not her 80s.

[Viviennemary]

I read that after 45 it's quite unusual to be able to conceive naturally. If you think the whole thing will be a disaster I don't blame you for being worried. Some 46 year olds would cope wonderfully and others not so well. But if she is determined it might be unlikely that friends or family can put her off.

[Nancy66]

Lagoon, you really are an exception to the rule. It's great for you but the chances of most women conceiving with their own eggs after 45 are very slim naturally and zero with IVF

[Lagoonablue]

The stats are 5% chance. Low but that is 5 women out of a hundred. Not that low.

Btw I would avoid Netmums at all costs! Not for old gimmers like me!

[Grennie]

I am 46. The thought of having a 14 year old at 61 years of age, scares me,

[Nancy66]

It's more like 1 per cent I think

[Lagoonablue]

Depends where you look.

I think babies in your 40s is not ideal. I think babies for teens is not ideal. Sometimes that is the way it happens.

Women have had babies in their 40s since time began. This woman's need for a baby, her unhealthy lifestyle etc are being picked over very unsympathetically. Just feel a bit of ageism slipping in from some posters.

[TwittyMcTwitterson]

Thanks mrsdevere. My mum has her moments but she's not a raving loon.

I've finished work now and am awaiting the news of what's happened.

She's with her friend who I imagine is gonna be consoling her. She'll tell me after... I'll put my counselling hat on

[MerryMarigold]

I don't think it's ageism. I think if a mum wrote on here about her in her 30's who was desperate for a baby but
Was in an unhealthy relationship
Had an unhealthy lifestyle which she was doing nothing about
Was emotionally a bit immature (op has said she's more of the parent)
Was in a high risk category for pregnancy

The response would be the same.

[whatever5]

I'm nearly 46 and although I wouldn't have a baby due to ill health, I can't see why it would be a problem for most women of 46 if they could get pregnant. Considering that on average women now live until they're 81, 46 is not that old!!

The main problem with the OP's mum is that she smokes and drinks and the OP doesn't think she would stop if pregnant.

[OddFodd]

noddy - I'm 49 now and my periods have only started being a bit more erratic in the last 6 months. Before that they were every single month - since I was 13!

I also conceived very easily at 40 and 42 but I know that it's fairly exceptional. I really wouldn't advise anyone deliberately waiting until they're in their 40s to start a family (or build on one)

[Grennie]

If you have babies in your 40's, you are also more likely to face having to look after elderly parents and children at the same time.

47 isn't that old, but 61 with a 14 year old teenager and elderly parents is more of a challenge.

[maddening]

I know her life is set up as it is but anyone's life pre-dc is not setup for dc - most people who have dc experience an impact to their lives - your mum changed her life when she had you so she has done it before so she understands the tiredness and other impacts of having a dc.

I think she should start with the health aspect first anyway - but if she gets pg and can carry the baby then why not. But the health aspect will aid her egg quality which is key as her eggs are older so any help possible is needed - she and her dp should get a good pre-conception vitamin complex, maybe a vitamin b100 complex, maybe take royal jelly, both her and dp cut down the booze. And she should stop smoking and look at diet and exercise - all will improve chances of conception if she is ovulating - and then reduce chances of mc as the quality if eggs is reduced already by age so a healthy body can optimise the chance of a healthy egg and incubation of the baby. She could also have a cycle monitored to check stuff such as her luteal phase (as a short phase can mean eggs releases are underdeveloped or a long phase could mean eggs are released over ripe as it were)

[falulahthecat]

Why doesn't she try fostering?
There are plenty of children who need people to look after them?
Although of course she'll need to stop smoking etc.
Why she seems to think she'll find getting pregnant at 46 whilst overweight and a heavy smoker is beyond me - and may be a big part of why she's not getting the most positive feedback!
Her decision is coming across as a little selfish.... Sorry but that's just my opinion!

[TwittyMcTwitterson]

Just had a long conversation. She's disheartened but ok.

She's not sure what she'd do re abnormalities. We have a close family friend (she's best friends with mum and I was best friends with daughter ever since primary school) who's son is severely disabled so she knows what she could be in for. She has stated that's not what she wants and would get all tests she could and abort if needed.

She wants to have her own child or at least one that's related and not an anonymous donor. Though she accepts that she'd love the baby the same she is nervous of judgement of others.

She has said she's getting it from both ends. When I was conceived she was told anortion was best due to her young age and once born that adoption was. Now she's being told similar because of her 'old' age.

I seriously don't think it's a good idea to conceive with her partner tho. She seems to have a deep rooted hatred for the years she could have got pregnant but spent with him. She feels these were probably her last chance and blames him.