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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say 'No' to visiting child who wants TV on?

133 replies

ChocolateWombat · 23/02/2014 14:50

I have had this a few times. My child has a friend to play after school or in hols. There are lots of toys and other activities to do. Within 10 mins, visiting g child asks for TV on.
We don't have TV on in background. My child has 20 mins of TV after dinner. They tend to sit on the sofa and just watch TV for that slot of time, not play at the same time.
I have told visiting child that is how we do it in our house and they can have some after dinner.

Sometimes children have continued to ask over and over again, despite there being lots of other things to do.

Have also had it if child has come over with parents. Child has asked their parent if they can have TV. Parent has relayed request to me. I have explained how we do it in our house and they can have TV after dinner. Sometimes parent has just accepted it, other times, they have asked on behalf of their child again, or emphasised that in Their house, they always have the TV on.
I don't want to be rude to guests or totally inflexible, so do you think IABU?

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 23/02/2014 16:33

Cuddly toy

Original poster
ChocolateWombat · 23/02/2014 16:37

Thanks everyone.
I can see that our timing of having TV on after dinner might be a bit I flexibile when people are over for tea.

I'm still not going to let them have it on permanently, but think if someone asks for it on, I might say 'we normally have TV after dinner, but if you'd like it now, I can put a ScoobyDoo (or whatever) on and you can have it now instead of after dinner if you prefer'
Unless people were round specifically for a film night, I think I'd then put on 1 programme and turn it off afterwards. I suspect some children might ask for it again later, but I would feel confident just saying 'no, you've had some TV and there are lots of other nice thi gs to do'

Thanks everyone who replied. Your replies have helped me see which things are important to me in this and which aren't. The 20 minute time isn't the issue and neither is it really that it has to be after dinner. (I'd stick to this with own children when there are no guests, just for simplicity.) what is important to me is that it isn't just background noise. If visitors lose interest in it, that's fine, but it will just be on for a limited time.

OP posts:
PeaceEagle · 23/02/2014 16:38

"They are there to play together, not to watch TV. "

See, that's interesting to me because I think watching tv together can be quite sociable. Like when you are an adult and meet up to go to the cinema with friends. I do offer opportunities to do other things, like baking together or whatever, and usually they are happy to join in but as long as they are happy I cannot see the harm in a bit of TV downtime after a school day.

Original poster
ChocolateWombat · 23/02/2014 16:47

I agree that TV can be a sociable activity. That's why we have film nights sometimes....people invited specifically to watch a film.. The film is the activity. However, I have found that sometimes children who come for that (10 year olds) lose interest in the film and want to play with toys after a few minutes. It's the same thing as those who come after school to play, losing interest in the toys and then wanting TV. I guess it is the flitting between activities which I think background TV helps encourage that I don't like. Abs fine with playing with a friend. ABS fine with watching a film with a friend. Either can be lovely shared activities......if they are shared.......when several things are all going on at once, I find the shared experience is lost, which is why we are either 'doing TV' or not.

Glad to say, that my children have never found themeselves ostracised socially so far because we don't put the TV on immediately when visiting children have requested it. I have more confidence in both my own children and their friends to think that their friendships cannot be so easily ruined.

OP posts:
Tawnydee · 23/02/2014 16:49

I think you can have principles without rigid rules.
I will occasionally put tv on for a visiting child even if they've not asked. For example if they're both getting frazzled and hts only 10 mins till pick up a bit of telly neutralises thé atmosphere and resets them. Parent arrives and all is good.

overthemill · 23/02/2014 16:53

I have never had the tv on in same room as the children when play dates are happening. Occasionally a DVD but very rarely. Play dates are for playing. Never had a child ask and never had to say no. We didn't have tv on much when kids little except for specific programmes (or if poorly, holidays etc) though they certainly did watch it. We tended to watch family films on a Friday night. Play time is for playing! Far too much to do to need to sit indoors watching tv!

ElkTheory · 23/02/2014 17:14

YANBU. I see no problem at all with keeping the TV off if that is what you prefer. It seems a bit odd for me that a child would ask to watch TV at someone else's house and even odder for a parent to make that request. Aren't the children there to play together? I can imagine a film at a sleepover or something like that, but asking for TV within ten minutes of arriving at a friend's house? I'd have no issue with saying no to that.

OTOH, I don't agree with you about separating activities. I would much rather see a young child watch TV for a few minutes and then wander off to play rather than focus on the TV to the extent that they won't engage with their playmates.

LadyBeagleEyes · 23/02/2014 17:21

When My ds was little and had his pals over they never wanted the telly on, they wanted to play. Apart from the one AP child who asked every time, even when I was watching something. He was also the one who didn't have telly at home.
I sometimes let him until he told me to shoosh when he was watching bloody Scooby Doo.
The other kids just looked at him in Shock at his rudeness.
TV was banned whenever he was here after that.

Thetallesttower · 23/02/2014 17:25

Depends a bit on the ages, we often have children over pretty late and so after 2/3 hours of active playing they all get tired and sometimes a bit silly and at that point, I actively encourage them to sit down and watch TV together! I don't like it as a starting point though for coming over to each others houses.

ReadyToPopAndFresh · 23/02/2014 18:00

We went to a friend's hose last week for the first.. dd started begging for the TV after an hour. I was soooo embarrassed. YANBU though. Your house your rules. Good for children to learn that early on. It's why you get so many bad house guest threads on MN!

Pipbin · 23/02/2014 18:17

YANBU. Your house, your rules.

A friend is a nursery teacher and she said that out of all the home visits she did this year only one house turned the tv off when she was there.

Theodorous · 23/02/2014 18:23

no tv Mon to Thurs

What do you do after the kids are in bed? Play educational Lego or engage in craft or finger painting?

Sounds bloody awful to me but each to their own although I bet most of the smuggo screen police gorge themselves on reality and other shit when their so very imaginative and engaged children are sleeping

ReadyToPopAndFresh · 23/02/2014 18:33

Why would you bet that?

mrsjay · 23/02/2014 18:45

LBE I would have banned the wee boy not the telly Wink

ginbin54 · 23/02/2014 19:03

God save me from the telly police! I was very easy going about how much tv my 2 boys watched when they were younger. The oldest one graduated with a first class degree last year so the telly obviously didn't fry his brain too much.

Mimishimi · 23/02/2014 19:08

YANBU, we don't even have one (although we'll connect our computer sometimes if we really want to watch something). Did you ask for the child to come over or did the parents request it?

Original poster
ChocolateWombat · 23/02/2014 19:10

Hi again. As the OP, just wanted to say, each to his own. I have friends who have the TV on all the time and that is totally up to them....and all of you on here too of course. I don't mean to imply that you should all do what I do.
I was thinking specifically about my situation. Personally, I don't like TV as background noise for me or my children....and have found it interferes with children interacting on play dates at my house. Nothing against having a TV 'slot' on a play date or a whole film evening at all. Just wanted to gauge if you thought me saying 'No not now' was unreasonable. Realise many of you would say 'Yes that's fine' or the Q wouldn't arise as your TVs would already be on anyway. I'm not saying my way is best....not being TV police I hope.

OP posts:
Ememem84 · 23/02/2014 19:31

Yanbu.

Have had adults ask the same fil always insists on the tv being on when he comes for dinner. It annoys me. I appreciate that that's how he does if at home. But it's my house.

Saying that I I'm in the house on my own the tv is almost always on. For background noise. (Mostly just sky news though)

SoldAtAuction · 23/02/2014 20:25

Op, it sounds like you are saying that you dc has trouble focusing on multiple things, so you would like the kids to do one thing or the other, not multiple things at once.
I wonder if everyone else would be so quick to be rude if you had said
'"AIBU to want the dc to paint, or bake, but not do both things at once?"

CromeYellow · 23/02/2014 20:34

I hate the tv as background noise and while I allow it whenever dd asks (although would reconsider that if she wanted it more than half an hour a day), it goes off as soon as she's distracted by her toys or other people.

Everybody has their own way of doing things and you're not obliged to change your rules to adapt to telly addicted kids. It's very sad when kids need constant background noise, they grow into adults who are terrified of silence in case they have a thought, I've met too many people like thatHmm

It's incredibly rude of a parent to request that you change to their way of doing things. yanbu at all, they can do what they want in their homes and you in yours.

limitedperiodonly · 23/02/2014 20:38

That's really not a good message to give our children. That they have to accommodate friends, regardless of their own wants, or they'll lose their friendship.

Really? Lweji I think that's a good message. Why wouldn't you want to accommodate friends?

I say accommodate, not capitulate.

JackNoneReacher · 23/02/2014 20:42

I say "We don't have the tv on when we have visitors because we want to enjoy playing with them"

(unless it gets late and everyone is tired)

Lweji · 23/02/2014 20:50

Limited, because you said that the child will lose the friends. Not even may lose the friends.
Even accommodating, if too much is not a good thing. Why can't the friends accommodate for the fact that it's a different house and different rules?

parakeet · 23/02/2014 20:54

Hmm, well I'm happy to be labelled the "TV police" - my rule is no more than an hour of TV a day in the week, between 6 and 7. (We have more at weekends, mainly to achieve a lie-in in the morning.) I have on more than one occasion told visiting children who have asked to watch it: "Sorry no, we only turn the TV on at 6.00." They always want to come back and my children do not appear to be socially ostracised.

Some of the posters on here seem never to have heard of the school of thought that says it is a good idea to limit screen time. Fine if you don't want to, but at other people's houses, their rules, surely?

GoldenGreen · 23/02/2014 22:11

I do want to limit tv time, parakeet, and I do limit it day to day. I happen to agree though with those that say there is no harm in lots of TV on a play date, just as I offer healthy food most days but occasionally give party food.