to think the OW is also to blame?

[HunterWellies]

Until fairly recently I have always thought that if a dp leaves his family for an OW that the responsibility for that lies just with him.

He is the one with a commitment that he has decided to break to be with the OW. She might be free of any prior commitment and in a position to start a relationship.

But if starting that new relationship means breaking apart a young family, and the OW knows that, should she also carry some of the responsibility? I am beginning to think that she should. Aibu?

[Notify]

Are you deliberately not understanding my point mumandboys or am I explaining myself very badly?

By the time it comes to leaving home either they have been found out or they got in way deeper than they intended. Their original intention, when they embarked on the affair (and the point at which it "started" is open for debate) was that no-one should find out and therefore no-one would be hurt. In fact the only people hurting at that point at MM and OW as they long for each other but know they will never be together properly.

Usually - there are of course others who do it just for fun/to deliberately hurt/for the power kick but I do think they are far rarer.

[Notify]

"But what about the ones who leave? They absolutely know there will be fallout, but put their own Feelings ahead of every other consideration."

Sorry Rollo, did I misunderstand you?

[Davidhasselhoffstoecheese]

He's the one that took the marriage vows, not her

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Rollo... Did you hit your ex or did I misread that? The point I'm making is that it was never going to work out because that would be a LTB point for many people.

If your ex didn't get together with his partner until he left you then he didn't cheat and she isn't the OW. Apologies if I've misunderstood you; I recall your thread but not the timeline of events.

[Notify]

Rollo, so he did leave before he had an affair? It must have been very painful for you but would you really want him to stay with you if he didn't want to be there?

[MollyHooper]

Oh I believe that men are just as emotional as women 100%, I feel exactly the same way about married women who have affairs.

The fact is it's easier to lie rather than face up to your responsibilities. Divorce is messy, moving homes, solicitors, custody agreements, maintenance payments etc...

Some people probably try to convince themselves that they don't want to hurt anyone but everyone knows how much pain affairs cause.

When you choose to cheat you do so willingly. You really can't blame losing control, we all have the option of saying no.

[MorrisZapp]

Yes, that sounds painful Rollo but I'm not sure she was OW? If your DH chose to leave rather than cheat then that was exactly what MN advises people who feel attracted to others. Unless I've misread, sorry.

[Notify]

Yes Molly, everyone knows when you're outside looking in and as I said before cheaters will often be very judgemental of other cheaters. When you're actually involved it really isn't so clear cut - the way they feel is different. Again from outside looking in that's ridiculous but not when you're in the middle of it.

[MollyHooper]

How do you know I haven't been in the middle of a situation like that?

There is always a time where you can stop things from getting to the point of no return.

I'm not a cheater because I chose not to be.

[Joiningthegang]

Responsibility to stay faithful is on the person who made the commitment to you.

Unless they (ow) are your friend or family as then you have been betrayed by both parties

[NoodleOodle]

Sometimes the OW shares responsibility, sometimes they're an innocent party - depends on the situation.

[revealall]

mumandboys123 what a twat.
Very similar to my situation. Only other woman also thought calling me a liar, psychotic etc was part being in the relationship with my ex.I still have no idea why she would that.
Most people on finding out their partner had got an ex (just under 10 years) pregnant would be upset. I would also want to know why he found it necessary to sleep with her and secondly what he was going to do about his child. I can't imagine sending her stupid texts and being a complete bitch.
The OW in my case would of known that there was no way I knew he was going off with her.She was just being dramatic and spiteful.
Sorry wanted to get that off my chest.

[Notify]

Well done Molly (me neither) but every situation is different and I really do think that this can creep up on people until they do feel powerless to stop it. Even more so for "good" people because it doesn't occur to them that an affair is even a possibility for them until it's happening.

[CookieB]

I would blame & inflict pain on both. In Sads case, that bitch would end her "turn on" with the complete & utter destruction of her whole being . I have bad temper though with no thought to retaining any dignity.

[MollyHooper]

I think I may have come across as slightly defensive in my last post Notify. :o

I read that you are happily and faithfully married and I do get what you are saying but I cannot agree.

I just think 'but I lost control/was powerless to stop myself' is a slippery slope when it comes to immoral behavior. Sometimes there are no excuses and believe cheating is one of them because the choice is so blindingly obvious.

People are just fooling themselves if they think otherwise. (In my opinion)

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

CookieB... Understandable but, if you're dealing with somebody that devoid of feelings and compassion, wouldn't you be concerned at their next steps? To behave like that in the first place they must be supremely damaged and you could lose far more than your dignity.

[scottishmummy]

They're both adults both complicit in commencing a relationship whilst man married
I don't think men are stolen away by ow they leave of choice,own volition
Ow and man Both parties are responsible for own actions,and impact of actions

[MamaPain]

Thread is moving quickly so a bit hard to keep up with it and say what I want to.

For me, it is dependent on the circumstances. First of all, is it an affair or is it cheating?

In what I would describe as an affair, whilst I don't think the OW/OM is to blame as you cannot steal people, it is fair to say that they haven't acted in a moral way. A bit like if you find a £20 note in the gutter, not your fault for it being there, but keeping it, when it isn't yours is a bit

If its cheating then I don't apportion any of the blame to the OW/OM and don't feel that their behaviour should be judged.

I suppose like lots of things it's largely about intention. An affair with a married man with children (by the way young children would be of less concern to me than older children) clearly shows intentions which disregards the feelings of his family but cheating is totally on him.

[CookieB]

LyingWitch the lies and betrayal would hurt me more but a woman who likes the chase of a man who has a family is rather disgusting. I am not in any way saying it is ok for men to pretend they were tricked into being 'seduced'. That would finish my relationship completely. What a horrible life to lead with no trust .

[scottishmummy]

Men leave cause they want to,they're not tempted away by beguiling other woman

[Notify]

TBH Molly I think many of us would like to believe that's true, it's a defence mechanism that enables us to judge others who have caused great hurt because we are certain we would never do it.

Very many of the people I have worked with who have had (one off) affairs look back and can't believe what they did, they can't believe they were so stupid or selfish, that they were "that sort". One of my colleagues equates early love to a mental illness - the kind that would get you off a serious crime on the grounds of diminished responsibility. Indeed I believe a crime of passion is a valid defence in some countries.

"the choice is so blindingly obvious" but when must you make that choice? Is it when a perfectly harmless married colleague suggests a coffee to discuss a joint project, is it when you find you enjoyed that (isn't that what makes work bearable?) is it when the coffee becomes a weekly thing, or daily? Is it when you danced a bit too close at the Christmas party - but everyone does it when they've had a drink... ? A what point do you stop? Early you can genuinely say it's just work/friendship. Late it's too late.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

CookieB, you're right, it would be. I also think it's something that a woman might do rather than a man. I would just be concerned that somebody so spiteful and vengeful might not have the necessary 'brakes' that somebody else would and if you upped the ante, what's to stop her?

Agree with you that neither men nor women are 'seduced', they leave their relationships because they want to - or are made to when discovered.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

yy Notify, that is it exactly. Are you a counsellor? I wish I'd seen your posts when my friend was in thrall.

[MamaPain]

Also I agree with what Notify is saying. Although I think whats more common is cheating rather than an affair.