to think the OW is also to blame?

[HunterWellies]

Until fairly recently I have always thought that if a dp leaves his family for an OW that the responsibility for that lies just with him.

He is the one with a commitment that he has decided to break to be with the OW. She might be free of any prior commitment and in a position to start a relationship.

But if starting that new relationship means breaking apart a young family, and the OW knows that, should she also carry some of the responsibility? I am beginning to think that she should. Aibu?

[Cobain]

I had no anger towards OW in my case, in fact I had sympathy for her as I knew ex was a lying bastard who had probably spun her a load of rubbish. I would of felt very differently if we had a young child at home. For me it does depend on the circumstances.

[squoosh]

YANBU

I never believe people when they say they aren't angry with the other woman/other man, just their cheating spouse. Only a robot would think like that.

[Notify]

Yes ut is when you're judging people whose shoes youv e never walked in.

Its easy with hindsight to say they should have walked away early but when exactly was "that" point and how do you know you've reached it when you're living it?

Fwiw I've never had an affair with a mm or otherwise, in fact have never had sex outside my own 20+ year marriage and would be devastated if dh was unfaithful but I yhinkvemotions are complicated things.

[MothratheMighty]

'I never believe people when they say they aren't angry with the other woman/other man, just their cheating spouse. Only a robot would think like that.'

That is the difference between a question asked of a general audience who are not involved, and the same question asked of a groop of betrayed wives and partners.
I don't think I would blame the OW, but for me the question is an academic one.

[Orangeisthenewbanana]

I would split the blame 70/30 for cheating partner/OW. The onus of responsibility is on the cheating partner as they have made commitments to their family. However, morally it is wrong to enter a relationship with someone who you know is already in one, so an OW has to take a share of the blame if this is the case.

[badbaldingballerina123]

In laws , and toxic family members seek permission to abuse and we still hold them accountable.

The typical scenario is mummy boy gets married and sits idly by while his family bully and abuse wife . Often he enables and supports it due to his fear of mummy .

Nobody ever says the in laws didn't take vows therefore they owe you nothing .

I can not think of a single scenario where a person inflicts harm on someone , any type of harm , at any age and under any circumstances and is not held accountable . Of course if my h had an affair he would have harmed me . And so would the ow . More than one person can be accountable and in other scenarios they usually are.

If your husband had an affair , would you really honestly be able to say the ow is not to blame ? Why is she , or he , not to be he'd accountable for their part in it ?

[OddFodd]

Obviously not all affairs are the same but in my life, as far as I know, I've slept with 2 married men. In both instances, I didn't know they were married until after the following morning. When I did find out, I told them I didn't want to see them again but both of them wanted to continue seeing me (and one pursued me in a really annoying way). If it hadn't been me, it would have been another woman (I'm fairly sure there would have been (at least one) other woman after me in both cases).

It shouldn't be up to women to keep men on the moral straight and narrow. There was a thread recently about women in relationships with shit men and these blokes were both shit men. They were fun but they were most definitely not relationship material. And yet they were both in relationships.

[OddFodd]

That 'after' in the first sentence shouldn't be there.

[Daisyjane12]

All involved are equally as bad

[fifi669]

Oh I def wouldn't like OW. Esp if I knew her or of her in any way e.g. Colleague of DP. But I don't think if blame her? I can see why she'd want DP, I think he's pretty amazing after all.

DP has committed to me and if he broke up our family for another woman, esp with our previous relationship histories, I'd never forgive him. He saw the effect it had when it happened to me last time.

[TwittyMcTwitterson]

The responsibility lies with them both. If both knew DP was in a relationship then it's equal. If DP led her to believe he was single it's less her.

I used to think women who went with taken men were disgusting but now I think, I don't want the only thing stopping my DP from cheating to be that the OW wouldn't do it. Intent is the same and there'll always be another woman who would if he wanted. That's on his shoulders

[OddFodd]

ballerina - are you really equating men who have affairs with victims of familial abuse? Really?

[edamsavestheday]

The cheating spouse is horribly guilty and a shitty person but the OW or OM is guilty too. I'd say the spouse or partner is worse, but the OW or OM is pretty bad too (assuming they know they are seeing an adulterer).

[badbaldingballerina123]

Oddfodd , I think you know that I'm not.

[Bogeyface]

I will never understand the view that "She isnt your spouse, she owes you nothing".

Yes my spouse chose to cheat but that doesnt make her blameless! The enable the cheating and that makes them just as bad in my eyes.

[NoArmaniNoPunani]

My dad had loads of affairs when I was a kid. The women involved were all pretty gullible and believe all the crap he told them. I don't hold them responsible, my dad is completely responsible for his actions. I do question their self esteem and their intelligence though, he'd have fucked a hole in the ground.

[MothratheMighty]

I do think that most of the OW I have known over the years are deeply stupid and self-deceiving.

'He's going to leave her. Soon. Really'
'They haven't been happy for years, they don't have sex'
'She's so stifling, he's not allowed any freedom, and she's so boring'
'She does nothing but sit on her arse when she's not spending his money'
'He fell out of love with her years ago, but he doesn't want to leave the children'

Onandonandonandon.

[HunterWellies]

I hope I don't sound smug. I know I wouldn't be the OW now, but I am married with small children and I know what that is like. I'm older and wiser if you like.

I could not put my hand on my heart and say that as a young girl I couldn't have been swept up in an affair with a married man. I don't think I would have, especially one with children, but when I think how naive I was then and very much into the idea of 'movie love' I guess I could see how it could happen, if he were a persuasive enough liar. Thank fuck it didn't anyway.

As an aside, do you think it makes any difference whether they are married or not, if they have children? I don't think it does personally.

[treadheavily]

What on earth is the point of worrying about who is to blame? If it happens to you you can be as judgemental/bitter as you like. If it is happening to someone else, it is none of your business and your blame game is wasted energy.

[Notify]

Hunter, my work (the reason I do know a bit about thus stuff) suggests that an ow is far more likely to be a married woman with children recently started school than she is a young girl

[winterland]

I knew the OW. she was a friend albeit not a good one. She also obviously knew my two children. I think shes a dick, and told her so, but it was my husband that was married and betrayed our vows not her. He was weak to get drunk and do what he did. Several times.

[HunterWellies]

I'm not worrying as such tread but I hear you, it doesn't change anything. I'm pretty gutted for one of my friends who is going through this and very very angry at her OH. It just led me to wonder what the fuck the OW is thinking as well. If she could see what it has led to, I wonder if she would still be with him now... I can't help but feel some blame toward her and I wondered if that is fair or not. It is an unutterably shit situation.

[HunterWellies]

Notify that's interesting, thanks. I wonder what's behind that statistic?