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AIBU?

to think the OW is also to blame?

220 replies

HunterWellies · 22/02/2014 15:21

Until fairly recently I have always thought that if a dp leaves his family for an OW that the responsibility for that lies just with him.

He is the one with a commitment that he has decided to break to be with the OW. She might be free of any prior commitment and in a position to start a relationship.

But if starting that new relationship means breaking apart a young family, and the OW knows that, should she also carry some of the responsibility? I am beginning to think that she should. Aibu?

OP posts:

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SadFreak · 22/02/2014 16:16

Depends. One of my H's other women told me to my face that married men are "Good Game" and thats the the "fun and kicks" of shagging someone else husband. She admitted plain as day in a real matter of fact voice that for her the turn on was purely shagging "forbidden goods". She told me my H could be anyone (married) it was the fact he had a wife with no idea that turned her on the most. She also said she loved the thought of the husband getting caught out and the drama of the fall out. She told me I was not the first wife to question her but that I was a dissapointment (and dull) because I seemed too cool and not irate enough and raging because apparently a raging hysterical wife on the phone is always great entertainment and a good giggle.

She was just one of god knows how many women my H had connections with. So no her revelation does not take one ounce of blame from my H. But yeah - women like her her out for it with a married/committed man are very bad people and the very fact she gets off on the fall out does make me think she deserves some blame but what good does that do when she seems to get off on someone elses hurt and tears.

Notify · 22/02/2014 16:21

No but you (no-one) has any idea what goes on in other people's lives. It's entirely possible the wife bears some responsibility too. Will be an unpopular view but you have no idea what happened before his decision was reached.

Reality is that love is a powerful thing. People will scoff but it does make people take leave of their senses. Very often an affair is the better option or seems so because that way only the "guilty" couple are hurting. DW and children aren't hurt until it comes out which they'll be hoping never happens

bodybooboo · 22/02/2014 16:23

sadfreak she needs to watch her back as she might just piss of the woman who doesn't just rant at her in the phone.

what a dangerous game she plays and one day she could be really sorry she did.

Notify · 22/02/2014 16:24

Sorry Sad, that was a response to Hunter. The woman you describe is one of the arseholes in it for the sport that i mentioned in my first post. I do think they are minority though.

HunterWellies · 22/02/2014 16:24

Bloody hell Sad she sounds a charmer...

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/02/2014 16:26

SadFreak... that woman sounds horrible, OW or not. I can't imagine that many women feel that way. She sounds very 'damaged' to me because everything she said to you seems about vengeance.

I think that affairs are very often about intimacy, not just sex, and there are feelings involved. My friend had a quite lengthy affair and it has messed up her life since it ended. She was really flying-high when it started, when she had control. Certainly she has paid a price.

Pickles79 · 22/02/2014 16:30

Assuming ow knew he had a partner, I'd hold her responsible too.

morethanpotatoprints · 22/02/2014 16:38

My dhs grandma rest her soul, used to say there's no bad men without bad women and I think she was right.

frogslegs35 · 22/02/2014 16:39

I also think that she's responsible too (providing she knows he's married)

He more so as he is the one who made the commitment to his wife, but the ow actively plays a part in destroying a relationship/family so in my eyes, is far from innocent.

Jollyphonics · 22/02/2014 16:40

A possible cynical view is that men are weak slaves to their hormones, and it is encumbant upon all woman to not take advantage of this fact. Female solidarity and all that!

LouiseAderyn · 22/02/2014 16:41

If a person knowingly has sex with someone else's husband/wife, then they are a piece of shit. But still not actually to blame - that rests solely with the cheater.

I would still judge them for being a skanky person, though. I might make an exception for people who are very young and don't fully understand what it means to commit your whole self to a marriage and therefore how devastating it would be to be in the wife's position. I think being young and stupid is a bit more forgivable than being a fully mature adult who just doesn't care about being a decent human being.

I remember years ago seeing Vanessa Feltz on a chat show, taljing about advice her grandmother had given her. She said that you don't fall in love immediately, that it happens over coffee, for example. Therefore, be careful who you have coffee with!

You know when you are starting to do/feel something you shouldn't, even when it hasn't gotten to the stage of doing something a partner could actually pin down as crossing a boundary and so it is very much a choice to continue.

Both the spouse and ow/om choose to continue down that road. But it is only the spouse who causes the ruination of their own marriage.

MadIsTheNewNormal · 22/02/2014 16:42

No. I am firmly in the 'all the blame lies with him' camp.

MadIsTheNewNormal · 22/02/2014 16:44

Having said that, I have no sympathy for OW's either.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/02/2014 16:45

Is 'skanky' what you'd apply to the man involved then, Louise or just the woman?

potatoprints... I sort of agree with her if she meant that both men and women can be bad. But if she meant that without bad women to corrupt men there would be no bad men... then she was wrong.

maddening · 22/02/2014 16:46

If I knew a man was in a committed relationship I would be an absolute fuckwit to have any romantic dealings with him and not innocent of any wrong doing imo

Notify · 22/02/2014 16:46

Hmm, that's an interesting point about the coffee with a lot of truth in it.

Trouble is that now women are active in the workplace it would downright id not to have coffee with a man, married or not fttt.

Notify · 22/02/2014 16:47

id? odd

MammaTJ · 22/02/2014 16:55

Of course my exH was the one who broke his vows to me, but the OW knew he was married with a DD too! If she hadn't been willing, it wouldn't have happened!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/02/2014 16:56

I've been left for an OW before and tbh, even though I was furious at the time, I don't think there was any onus on her (or women in general) to police my DH's behaviour on my behalf. She hardly tracked him down and dragged him off by the hair. He seemed to go very willingly.

MothratheMighty · 22/02/2014 17:00

'Lord, the woman tempted me and I fell'

Of course, we are all tainted by the sin of Eve.

MollyHooper · 22/02/2014 17:04

I would imagine anyone who gets involved with a married person is lacking in self respect, woman or man.

Whether people like it or not there are 'rules' in life and not shagging married people is one of them. Everyone knows that, some people just choose to ignore it.

No, your not responsible for anyone's behavior but you are responsible for your own. It's not hard to say 'No, you're married.'

MothratheMighty · 22/02/2014 17:11

'No, your not responsible for anyone's behavior but you are responsible for your own. '

I agree. I think that it is important to take responsibility for your own actions and your own decisions.
So some choose to knowingly shag a married man and don't care.
Some choose to shag a man they don't know very well, or at all. Stupid choice IMO, and then 'Ohh Err, I didn't know he was married'

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balia · 22/02/2014 17:12

I think there are people who seem to like the competitive element - like they've 'won' somehow if they can get the married one to leave the spouse/DC's, but I'd like to think they are few and far between. When I finally understood and accepted that exH was cheating I didn't feel any anger or blame for the women (very plural) because it was so obviously all about him. Maybe I would have, though, if there was just one.

LouiseA eloquently said a lot of the things I was trying to put into words.

HunterWellies · 22/02/2014 17:20

I think the stage in your relationship when you have very small dcs can be a vulnerable one. Tiredness, new responsibilities, financial changes, sexual relationship changes etc.

An affair with a single, child-free adult could become a bigger temptation at such a time. If the OW (or man) put the brakes on, you might have time for your relationship to recover and come to your senses before you make a massive mistake that can't be undone.

Of course not every situation is like this. And the subtleties of it would be hard for a young, child free OW to understand. But still.

OP posts:

WeGotAnnie · 22/02/2014 17:22

The OW hasnt acted admirably in this sort of situation, but the responsibility for 'breaking apart a family' always lies with the person who was in that family in the first place and chose to have an affair and/or leave. Thats my opinion.

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